Signs of a closed mind

"This is who I am." "This is how it has always been done." "Because that's our culture." These are just a few statements we hear people around us saying or saying ourselves, either casually or purposely. We use these statements to demonstrate that our prior experiences dictate our current and future decisions. However, in reality, we are expressly admitting that who we have been in the past will control our future, and we are not open to any challenges to our beliefs and values. In short, we accept that we are prisoners of our past. This is not a sign of self-growth, but one of the signs of a closed mind. The general perception is that people who do not have access to information or knowledge suffer from closed minds. However, this perception has been proven wrong as even with access to unlimited information people are becoming more guarded about their beliefs. That is, they chose to close their minds rather than being open to contrary information. 

Why do people do this? Well, there can be multiple reasons, but one of the major reasons is, fear of change and comfort of the status quo. Change is uncomfortable, especially, when we have to change or update our beliefs, or modify our behavior. We do not like to accept that we are wrong, especially, when it comes to our personal, religious, or political beliefs. We feel these beliefs are part of our identity and are reluctant to change them. We try our best to resist change, no matter how factual or accurate the evidence is to prove us wrong. This is when we show the symptoms of a closed mind. We take shelter from whatever lame reasons we can find to justify our stance. However, no matter how much we try, it is not possible to run away from facts. Truth doesn't disappear just because we close our eyes. A closed mind might offer temporary comfort, but sooner or later we are bound to face reality and if we remain truthful to ourselves realize our mistake. 

What's the solution? Check regularly if you have any symptoms of a closed mind. If yes, consciously try to update your knowledge and make sure that your sources of information are diverse and verified. We have access to resources that were not available to humans at any point in history so far, it will be shameful if we don't make proper use of these resources. Be informed and be open-minded. All the very best. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com 

No one is watching

We all are told that someone is watching us all the time. I was told as a child that god is watching all the time, once that didn't work I was told that some ghost was watching, if that failed it changed to the police are watching, once the effect of this also waned, then some other scary thing was watching. I feel the intent behind making people believe that someone is always watching is to stop them from doing wrong things. Especially, if that someone has the power to control and punish you we are supposed to behave to get the approval of that entity by behaving as per that entity's will. This myth was busted at some point when I witnessed so many wrong things happening in front of my own eyes and that powerful entity who was supposed to watch and take note of things didn't do anything to stop these atrocities. I realized that no one was watching. No one can watch everyone at the same time and monitor what they are doing. We are on our own and there is no virtue in doing something good just because someone is watching us. One should be good irrespective of whether anyone is watching or not, otherwise, it is a forced act not spontaneous or based on our own conscience. 

Religion particularly uses the concept of an omnipresent god who is supposed to be present everywhere and watch everyone all the time. All who believe in religion accept this notion of this omnipresent entity, addressed by different names in different religions. However, after witnessing various atrocities committed in the name of religion one can see that this threat is clearly not working. Communal violence is a glaring problem even today and all religions are guilty of this. People who believe in a real sense of community welfare and peace will behave with compassion and love with or without religion. Any civilized person does not need any threat or lure to behave compassionately towards others. Hatemongers will perpetuate hate and violence by using whatever tool they get, religion, politics, or anything else. Hence, ask yourself how will you behave with others if no one is watching. This will give you an understanding of your moral compass. If you behave nice because of fear or some lure like heaven, try to be nice without fear or lure. If you hate someone because of their religion/race/gender/sexual orientation/nationality/caste, try to ask how will you feel if someone hates you just because of your identity associated with those tags. If you feel inclined to justify hate and violence against certain communities ask yourself what if someone does the same to your community. These questions may make you feel uncomfortable and may challenge your perceptions and beliefs that are the result of years of brainwashing, but they will also help you to see your own hypocrisy and encourage you to get rid of your double standards. These questions did make me feel uncomfortable when I asked them myself, but they helped me to improve and become a better person. I hope you don't harbor feelings of hate and violence against any religion, community, or person just because they are different than you. I hope you are nice to others even when no one is watching.     

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com 

Parents are always under training

Parenting is a tough job. If it's not the toughest, it should be ranked among one of the toughest jobs in the world. It is tough not just because of the onerous requirements of time commitment or physical effort, but also because of the other complexities involved with parenting. Even though there are various manuals and books on parenting, most of them are pretty useless except for the initial months when you only need to feed and clean your baby. Once a child develops its own personality, there cannot be any pre-written manual for that child as that child never ever existed before and every human is unique in the way they think and behave unless they are forced to think and behave only in a certain way, for example, if they are brainwashed or emotionally abused. Parenting is also tough because of the uncertainties involved in it. As I said, as every child is unique there is no way to assume that what worked for one child will work for sure for another child also. I am writing all this with the assumption that parents want their children to develop their own unique identity and personality and don't expect their children to follow some standardized behavioral pattern like a robot. 

I understand that nowadays many parents rely on experts and self-help books to help them with parenting. However, the problem of following any manual for child upbringing is that we unintentionally force them to fit into a mold. No matter how well-intentioned, when parents try to mold their child into a person that they believe to be an ideal person, they are basically trying to replicate that ideal person, this experiment is risky and most probably a sure failure. The child may not only not want to be like that ideal person but also may lose his/her ability to figure out his/her own identity. This is where most parenting mistakes happen, when parents try to charter a safe path for their child, thinking that they are doing this for the good of their child without giving that child a chance to decide. This is one of the reasons no matter how careful we are, all parents make mistakes, many mistakes. This is why I say that parents are and must be always under training. Parents need to continuously learn from their children and adapt accordingly. The biggest mistake parents make is that they always think that their job is only to teach their children and not to learn anything from them. As I said, every child is supposed to be unique, so the parents need to observe, learn, and then develop a unique way to raise each child. Children give many hints expressly or indirectly and as a parent it is our job to try to catch most of them. No doubt, we are going to miss some of them, but the aim should be to catch more hints and miss only a few. The general assumption that kids don't understand anything and are too immature to decide for themselves allows parents to dismiss most complaints and suggestions from their kids on important matters related to that kid. There is no harm in listening to your kid patiently, considering what's their point, and giving serious thought about what they say rather than reacting based on a pure parental impulse. As our children grow we also need to grow as parents. Parents not only need to be aware of their children's material needs but also of their physical and emotional needs. Some conversations might be awkward or difficult depending on the society and culture from where parents come, but the research shows that these conversations are necessary and parents should not shy away from them. Remember, if we don't talk with our kids about these things, someone else will, they will get this information from some source and that source could be unreliable or misleading, so, it is better that we become that source and provide them with reliable and authentic information. Children not only need someone who can feed and protect them, but they also need someone who can understand them and allow them to be themselves, and there is no one better than parents who can do this job best, please don't miss this opportunity. Yes, often it will be frustrating and annoying, but remember you are under training and your kids are also learning as much as you are. Please learn from your child, I learned a lot from my children and it only helped me to become a better parent.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com 

We must focus on human touch

Since witnessing all the amazing things ChatGPT, an artificial intelligence (AI) chatbot, can do that too in a fraction of the time humans may take to perform these tasks, people are worried about AI replacing them. The worry is not that AI may replace humans in some riskier jobs or jobs with only mechanical skills, but replacing them across the job market, each and every job, including doctors, lawyers, judges, writers, actors, and so on. The fear is not completely irrational, the phenomenal capability of the AI to process tremendous amounts of data and learn from it is unmatched by anything humans have witnessed so far. 

AI is a formidable challenge for humans, something none of our predecessors faced before. Everyone is worried that AI may replace them everywhere, at their job and in their relationships. However, I feel that this worry or fear is not because the AI is better than humans in every aspect, but because humans are behaving like an AI in many aspects. Our writings, emotions, and responses are getting so standardized and predictable that it is possible for AI to guess accurately what will be our next action or next sentence. We are consuming data and that data is dictating our actions. There is no uniqueness, humans are behaving like herds. Anyone can guess our preferences based on information about just a few categories like our religion, political affiliation, income, and education. We are getting so predictable, as an individual as well as as a group. 

How did we reach here? The question sounds simple but the answer is very complex. Our families, society, culture, education systems, and technology, all are responsible for this. For example, we are told to write in a certain way because that's the correct way according to some experts; we are told to dress in a certain way because that's the proper way to dress; and we are told what is proper and improper based on standards decided by majority. This homogenizes our society and makes most things associated with us predictable, and we cannot beat AI in anything that is predictable based on the available data. 

Data availability is the key to AI's success, however, just data is not enough, the data needs to be accurate and big enough to make predictions accurate, and we are providing enough of that. There has been unprecedented data collection about human behavior in the last decade or so. Our patterns of behavior have never been exposed so clearly that AI can predict our shopping, food, clothing, and even friend choices. As a Democrat, we hardly interact with Republican websites or read pro-Republican articles, the same is true for Republicans. One group never bothers to know about the other group's viewpoints. Our silo chambers provide us with comfort and needed validation to feed our ego that we are the only righteous ones. These chambers are so insulated and biased that we view human tragedies also through the partisan prism. Even any mediocre or narcist politician can fool such people, forget about intelligent AI. Humans have lost their human touch. We are no more individuals with different identities but herds of people who think alike and behave alike. This is why AI scares us, it can replace each one of us as there is nothing special to us, we are replaceable just like a part of an assembly line. 

So, to fight the potential takeover by AI, we need to be unique as individuals, not by qualifications or by appearance, but by our performance. We need to bring the human touch that AI can never bring. We need to bring our own emotions and experiences that are unique to us and are not part of any data. We are not just workers but human workers. We must not forget this. We need to demand workplace changes that encourage diversity and inclusion, without diversity, humans don't stand a chance to win this battle. I don't know how many out there appreciate diversity and encourage it, but I hope most of us want humans to win this battle, if this is the case, then buckle up and work towards diversity. Diversity of emotions, diversity of views, and diversity of cultures. Human touch doesn't automatically come to anything done by humans, if humans behave mechanically and do things without any emotions and passion, the AI will definitely do a better job, as it is not only devoid of any emotion and passion it is also more accurate than any human to do such mechanical tasks. The human touch comes when we allow humans working on that project to add flavors of their own perspective. Somehow, this has been discouraged so far at every workplace. Our workplaces have become devoid of any fun and genuine emotions. People put on an act like a puppet show when they are at work, this needs to change. We need to focus on the human touch or perish. This is not a suggestion but a warning. Ignore it at your own risk. And yes, this post has not been generated by any help from any AI.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com 

Bias affects quality of our interactions

We all get affected by stereotypes and biases, either our own or someone else's. Either way, we get affected. Nowadays, a vast amount of information is shared widely, without being verified for either its content or accuracy. People who receive this information use it as factual truth if it validates their bias and outright reject it if it even remotely challenges their bias, thereby making their bias even stronger. When such people interact with others around them their interactions are affected due to their prejudices and biases that are validated based on all the misinformation they received from various unverified sources. This is happening everywhere, one can see this happening in WhatsApp groups, on people's Facebook walls, and even when people interact personally during social or family functions. The spread of misinformation is so rampant that people don't even know from where they got the information they are sharing so confidently. This is why we are witnessing a highly misinformed and polarized society. We are living in a society where everyone's interactions are heavily influenced by their biases that are strongly validated by all the misinformation they consume. 

To be clear, polarization or bias is not a recent phenomenon, in the past also people used to have political disagreements and various biases, and there used to be heated debates on various sensitive topics, but rarely there used to be so much downpour of blatantly false information from both the sides. This is happening across society at each and every level, starting from top government officials to family dinner tables, thanks to the internet and social media. Surprisingly, most people who are doing this are neither aware of this nor are bothered by this. Everyone is convinced that the other person is misinformed but not them. I am amazed when people shart arguing based on unverified and blatantly false information and if someone points this out to them, they are not even surprised or apologetic about their behavior. The quality of people's interaction is so much dictated by their prejudices and biases that most people only communicate with people who agree with them, with others they just argue or don't even bother to communicate at all. This is where we are currently, everyone is siloed, living in echo chambers where they only hear their own voice, nothing else. Everyone is strongly opinionated and convinced about their opinions. Being opinionated is not a bad thing in itself, but forming those opinions only based on our prejudices and biases built on false information is a terrible mistake. I wonder why people don't try to verify the information they receive even if it validates their beliefs. I had to change so many of my beliefs when I discovered reliable and verified information contradicting them. It was tough but necessary. However, to my astonishment, there are many who still carry the same beliefs that I had to change even after the same information proving those beliefs wrong is available to them. So, this is not about the availability of information, but about willingness to challenge our own beliefs. Not many are ready to do this. Either they lack the courage to challenge their beliefs or they are not intelligent enough to understand that they are being fooled. I don't know how many after reading this blog will start verifying the truthfulness of the information on which they base their opinions. I wonder how many of them will review their own prejudices and biases to improve their interpersonal interactions. If you care about the people around you, if you want to have a supportive and loving atmosphere around you, please check your biases and be aware of them. Most of us cannot remove all our biases but at least we can be aware of them, this will definitely help us to improve the quality of our interaction with others.      

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com 

Self-acceptance and self-improvement are not mutually exclusive

Feeling of self-doubt is not uncommon, especially in today's times where we are overexposed to other's well-curated version of life on social media. This makes us feel that we are not good enough. We tend to look back and realize that we made some mistakes. Sometimes we face a series of failures even after our best efforts. Many times we are exploited by others for being too nice. This all makes our self-esteem go down, also, many times we are too harsh and unforgiving to ourselves compared to others. We know that we have made some mistakes and need to improve on a few things to have better control of our lives, but we hesitate to accept our weaknesses and mistakes because self-acceptance doesn't come that easy. It is not easy to accept that we have weaknesses, because if we do, then the next step is to work to improve on those weaknesses. Also, for many, accepting our own flaws dents their perception of themselves. Therefore, self-acceptance doesn't come that easy. We believe that if we accept we are not good enough, then we put a hindrance in our own progress. We are made to believe that self-acceptance and self-improvement are mutually exclusive, but they are not. Rather, unless you go through the process of self-acceptance, you cannot self-improve.

Self-acceptance is embracing our flaws, and recognizing that we are not good enough today. Self-acceptance is accepting our mistakes and weaknesses today so that we can start working on them and improve tomorrow. This helps us to get a reality check and figure out our blind spots that lead to those weaknesses and mistakes. Whereas self-improvement is about working to overcome our weaknesses, learning from our mistakes, and moving on. Knowing that we are not good enough today should not hinder our desire to be better tomorrow. Rather, it is necessary to go through this cycle of self-acceptance and self-improvement regularly if we strive to be better humans. Without self-acceptance, there is no self-improvement. Self-acceptance is not a surrender to our flaws of today, it is not a validation that our flaws are permanent, but it is a recognition that some work is needed today so that we can be better prepared for tomorrow.  

People who listen to all seld-improvement talks, and videos, or read self-improvement books try to copy or follow someone's recipes for self-improvement without realizing that humans are mentally complex animals and without deep self-analysis, no method or recipe is going to work for us in the long term. We may see some short-term benefits but unless we have self-analyzed and determined what areas we need to work on, nothing is going to help. A right prescription for a wrong diagnosis is still the wrong treatment. Therefore, self-acceptance of our own drawbacks is the first step towards self-improvement. There is still a long way to go, but as a society, we at least started discussing topics like mental and emotional health. There is professional help available in the form of counseling or wellness experts. These things were never discussed just a few years back. We should make use of these resources to initiate our journey towards self-improvement. 

No two humans are mentally the same, we all face different mental and emotional challenges, that is why we cannot base our own psychological well-being based only on someone's experiences and opinions. We need to do self-analysis to understand who we are and what are our weaknesses. This process is an ongoing process as we not only grow physically as we age we also grow emotionally and mentally. As we age our body and our mind also changes. As our body needs care and nourishment the same is true for our mind. Going through the cycles of self-acceptance and self-improvement is important for our professional and personal lives. Remember, today may suck, we may commit mistakes, and we may fail miserably, but one mistake, one failure, one bad day, or one bad month doesn't define our life or personality. It is in our hands to learn from all our experiences, good and bad, and work towards a better tomorrow.   

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com 

Writing can help in healing

I wonder sometimes why I started writing a blog and continued it for more than a decade, that too in English which is not my first language. I tried to find the reasons, but recently I realized that the main reason for this long journey is that my writing helped me to deal with various mental turmoils that occupied my mind since my childhood. That is, writing the blog helped me to heal. It's not that I got rid of all of the trauma, but writing provided me a way to share my vulnerability and struggles with others and realize that I am not the only one who is going through this, there are many like me. Also, writing the blog was a brave act for me, it is not easy to open yourself to the public and share your thoughts and vulnerabilities. I was scared to do this but did it anyway and now I am glad that I did it. 

I have written diaries since a very young age. I still have the diaries that I wrote during my teenage years. They provide a window for me to look into my past and see how my life and the world around me have changed. That writing also helped, but it was personal writing, no one read it or provided me with any feedback. However, the blog is different, what I write here is available for anyone to read and comment. It is open to criticism and praise. I received a fair amount of criticism for some of my posts but at the same time, there was a lot of support and praise. All the support from my readers helped me to realize that there are many who feel like me, think like me, and struggle like me. This feeling of sharing emotions helped me to overcome my disappointments and frustrations. I suggest anyone who is suffering from trauma, depression, frustration, or any other personal challenges give writing a chance. Please write to yourself, to a trusted friend, or if you feel comfortable share with people around you or with the public. You will be amazed by the amount of support and encouragement. This will help to deal with part of your struggles and motivate you to seek more help if required. People used to have a pen friend and share letters with them. But with the advent of social media, the concept of having a special friend just to share handwritten letters became outdated. I still feel it was a nice concept and if you have someone like that please continue the exchange. Social media has increased our frequency and width of communication. We communicate with many and too often, but it has come at the cost of depth or personal touch in those communications. We see so much happiness or sadness around that we have started reacting automatically, we just press emojis and move on. Whether it is a happy occasion or a sad one we have a standard response, many times we don't even have to compose these responses, our phones or computers, and now AI can compose messages for us, all we have to do it to send them. 

I try my best to maintain my individual touch in whatever I share on this blog. Many have criticized the choice of topics, the quality of English, no clear ideological inclination, or the progressive tone of my blogs, but this is how I as an individual think and speak. This blog is not written by a person who is an English major, whose first language is English, or someone who aligns himself with a certain religion or political ideology, or someone who grew up in a privileged neighborhood, hence all this will be reflected in whatever I write on this blog. The blog is about my personal experiences and opinions, and its tone and language will reflect my personality. My experience of living in a chawl in India, studying in Marathi medium, reading many Marathi books, watching movies, witnessing suppression of women, casteism, and my experiences with bullying, racism, socialism, and capitalism, and many other things are going to be reflected in my writing. My writing is the only way I can get all this out of my system. This is another reason why I stopped getting any help from AIs like ChatGPT after trying it for a couple of posts as it didn't sound like me. My blog needs to reflect my thoughts in my language. I hope this encourages others who are still debating if their English is good enough to share their ideas and thoughts. Readers relate to your emotions, language is secondary. If you are someone who has a lot to say but doesn't to how and where, start writing. You don't have to write a blog or publish your writings anywhere if you don't want to, start writing a diary and see if it helps. Find someone you trust and share your thoughts, we need to have some good listeners around us, I am trying my best to become a good listener and happy to help. My writing has helped me to heal and hopefully, it will help you too.  

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com 

Men always mattered, now it is the turn of women and others

"Do you think Taylor Swift has a cultural impact equal to Michael Jackson?" My daughter asked while we were chitchatting during a commercial break of the TV show Survivor.

"Not at all, MJ has a huge cultural impact, Taylor has just started, there is no comparison," I responded immediately, without even pondering for a second.

"What about equal to Beatles?" the follow-up question came immediately. 

"Again, no, she is too young, maybe in a few years," I replied.   

"As expected, men will never accept that a young girl can be a cultural icon, such misogynistic thinking," she replied. 

Ouch, that did hurt, especially for a person who calls himself a feminist. But was she wrong? Might be a little harsh and exaggerated reply, but maybe that's what was required for me to learn more about Taylor. No matter what I call myself, I was born and raised in a misogynist culture where females were treated in a certain way, and no matter how much I deconditioned from all that cultural conditioning, I think some residues still remain in the system and show their subtle effects. Much has been written about feminism and how it is helping women to break various barriers. This has resulted in a sort of counter-attack from some people by calling feminism anti-men, starting male-matters movements, or shamelessly glorifying toxic masculinity. I personally feel pity for such attempts, but one cannot deny that all these are desperate efforts to counter feminism, counter attempts by women to claim their place in society for the first time in human history. The problem with movements like "all lives matter," "male matters", or with counter statements like "not all men," is with the timing and intent, they are started not to raise those issues but to divert attention and raise doubts about the intentions behind the movements from which they want to divert the attention. For example, feminism is not against men but it is against toxic masculinity, patriarchy, misogyny, and other prejudices against women. Fighting against these social evils also helps men as much as it helps women. Fight against sexual harassment, patriarchy, toxic masculinity, or misogyny is not a fight against men, but it is a fight against the mindset that confines men and women in certain categories and doesn't allow any freedom. Feminism is to about replacing men with women but about providing women their own space that was always occupied by men not because men were more capable but because women were never given a fair chance to fight for it. Also, people fail to notice how inclusive and pivotal feminism is. Just look at various other movements that started after feminism to assert their identities and claim their place in society, for example, the LGBTQ+ movement. It did not conflict or clash with feminism, rather, feminism has created a path and space for all such movements to start and flourish, often this aspect of feminism is ignored. Men always mattered, but they like it or not, it is the turn of women and others to also matter. And women and others are not taking men's space but they are claiming their own space and controlling their own narrative that was always controlled by men. 

Now coming back to Taylor Swift, no doubt she is talented and famous. She worked really hard to earn her fame and success. Many celebrities attend football matches, but when the NFL tweets about your presence in the stadium that's not a small thing. When your concerts fill the biggest stadiums in different parts of the world, that's not a small thing. When a generation of young females look at you as their inspiration and icon, then it is not a small thing. Yes, she is a cultural icon like any other music legend in their prime days, nothing more, nothing less. I was not aware of it, but my ignorance doesn't change this fact.  

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com 

Sibling rivalry

Having siblings comes with its own pros and cons. The good part is that you always have someone to talk to and someone to look for support whenever you need it. On the other hand, you have to share almost everything with your siblings up to a particular age, you have someone nagging you all the time, and there is no way to escape this person even if you want to. Hence there is a popular phrase "sibling rivalry," even though siblings are not supposed to be rivals of each other. It is true that most sibling relationships go through a very volatile phase, this phase mostly starts in their teens and continues in their twenties, and then slowly things cool off and settle to bring some normalcy to their relationship. How strong the sibling bond remains largely depends on how tremulous was that volatile phase and how long it takes to cool things off. Another thing that complicated this is that most siblings are not good communicators with each other no matter how articulative and patient they are otherwise. One can easily notice the anger and contempt for no reason when siblings are having an argument with each other, these feelings are not with malice or any other bad intentions but they are there. Too much proximity and continuous presence in each other's life generates some unwanted and unavoidable hostility towards each other. Sibling rivalry is no fun either for siblings or parents, but it is an unavoidable phase of their lives that is impossible to escape, therefore, it is better to learn some valuable lessons from it. This rivalry only results in some positive results when siblings use it for healthy competition and get motivated by each other. It does reach to this stage in many cases but not without its own struggles. 

Can parents help? Not much. Parents are not the reasons for this problem and they can do little to resolve it. Even the forceful use of parental authority that most parents use when they run out of ideas is of little use in this case. Parents can definitely help by not making things worse by comparing siblings with each other and they should make sure that things don't get out of control and get physical, but beyond that, it is the siblings themselves who can resolve whatever issues they have. Acting as a mediator can be an option but most parents don't give enough time to develop such a relationship with their child where they can have candid conversations about various issues their child is facing, hence this option is not available for most parents. As mentioned earlier, things largely depend on how and when things cool off. Arguments and friction are unavoidable, but one thing that siblings don't do with each other which they do in their other relationships like their friendships is that they don't offer the same benefit of the doubt to their siblings that they offer to their friends. 

Siblings can be a great support to each other and this relationship should not be taken for granted just because this is a family-originated bond. Siblings must put some effort and invest quality time in building this relationship as they do with any other relationship. Like any other relationship, this also goes through its own ups and downs, and if not given the attention it requires can disintegrate and get damaged beyond repair. However, there is no need for parents to panic, keep an eye and don't get involved too much, there is no need for firefighters if there is no fire. Siblings should be able to sort out all the issues on their own with little help from their parents. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com 

Whose scorecard are you using?

Do we really need any scorecard to evaluate our lives? Not really, but we all use one. It is inevitable to review and judge our personal and professional lives using some parameters or scorecards. The problem is we all use the scorecard handed over to us by either our parents, friends, family, religion, or society. We are told what it means to be a successful person. Some common items of that scorecard are a degree from a reputable college/university, a high-paying job in a reputed company, a nice home, and a car, even better if you have a private jet, a loving family with kids (better if they are biological), regular vacations at exotic locations, and early retirement. These are just a few parameters ingrained in our minds to evaluate a successful person. The question is not whether these parameters are right or wrong, or whether we should judge our lives based on these parameters, but whether these parameters are selected by us or by someone else. There is nothing wrong with desiring things prescribed for a successful person by the media or society if that's what we want. However, the question is do we really want them? It would be really odd if everyone in any society wanted to live their life based on one standard scorecard. Humans are complex animals and it is impossible for all of us to desire the same things unless we all are brainwashed. We all should have our own scorecard to live a more balanced and fulfilled life. But the problem is we are not taught to develop our own scorecard. Neither our family nor education teaches us to do that. We are given examples of previously successful people are are told to idolize them. The result is most of us either have no clue how to develop our own scorecard or adopt a scorecard handed to us as our own and evaluate our lives. Once we fail to develop our own scorecard, we may score high on the one we are using but still feel empty or unhappy from inside and keep wondering why are we not feeling the happiness and fulfillment that we are supposed to feel. The reason may be that what we chased we never wanted in the first place, it's like running in the wrong race and after winning not being happy with the award. Everyone has to climb their own Everest, my challenges, difficulties, and limitations are different than most around me, I cannot judge my success or failure based on someone else. Similarly, everyone needs to have their own scorecard, other's scorecards can be used as a template but ultimately we need to come up with our own. Only and only a scorecard prepared by us by carefully analyzing our goals and limitations will do justice to measuring our success and failure. 

We all have our outer success, based on the parameters that society, our family, and other people around us value, and our inner success, this what we feel based on our own desires and passions. Most of us care a lot about outer success because that's what we are made to believe to be a universal parameter to measure success. However, only we know what defines and matters for our inner success, it may or may not include all or any of the parameters set by others defining everyone's outer success, this is why I am emphasizing preparing our own scorecard and evaluating our life based on that not based on some standard template. So, whenever you feel frustrated, feel that you are a failure, or going through a low phase in your life, don't forget to ask, whose scorecard are you using?    

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com 

Don't overuse of guilt in parenting

"This is what I get for all my hard work and sacrifices." "you are lucky to have food on your plate, many kids are sleeping hungry as we talk now." "You should be grateful that you don't have to walk barefoot like me to school, you at least have shoes, stop whining about that branded shoe." "I am working my ass off so that you can go to college and all you do is stay on your phone and party." We have heard someone saying some of these things or said some of these things ourselves to our children. Language and the wording may differ, but the gist remains the same, parents want their kids to realize how lucky their kids are compared to many other kids. Almost every parent gets frustrated at some point and uses such language in an attempt to make aware their kids of their privileges. 

Parenting can be frustrating and inducing a feeling of guilt often finds its way into parenting. Parents want their kids to be aware of how much hard work they are putting in as a parent. Parents want their kids to see what's at stake, and consciously and unconsciously they induce the feeling in their kids that kids are not doing enough. The intention of parents is to motivate their kids to work harder and be more focused. Parents feel this will help kids to become successful and avoid failures. However, this method backfires most of the time. Apart from guilt, kids start feeling shame and feel that their parent's love is conditional on them being successful. It is a not good feeling for any kid to know that their parents love them more when they are successful. Even though this is not what most parents intend, this is what their behavior conveys to their kids. And once our behavior speaks for itself, it really doesn't matter what our intent is or what we said if these things don't match with our behavior.

Even though it is important to make our kids aware of the various privileges they have so that they value them and act with compassion toward others who don't have the same privileges. It is not productive to make them feel inferior by inducing a feeling of guilt by their own parents. There is a difference between encouragement and bully parenting. Parents do have expectations from their kids. Many parents see their kids as a way to fulfill their own unfulfilled dreams. Many try to push their kids on career paths that they feel are safe and rewarding without checking what their kids may want to do. Most of the time this so-called guidance starts so early in life that many kids don't even develop any ability to think about what they want. The result is that many parents express their frustration to their kids from time to time for not fulfilling their expectations. Parent's concerns towards their kids are valid and well-intended. However, trying to guilt them is not the way to develop a healthy relationship with them. It is important to make kids realize their privileges, and it is important to provide them relevant information to make informed decisions. However, this does not mean making decisions for them, choosing careers for them, or spoon-feeding them so much that they can't think independently. And being a parent does not definitely mean creating a photocopy of ourselves. Our kids are independent entities, they need to have their own dreams and values, and as parents, we should be prepared to accept their independence and freedom to choose. 

Please don't overuse guilt. It is not the fault of your kids that they are more privileged than you. It is necessary to make them aware of their privileges but don't make them feel ashamed about it. It is okay to talk about your onw struggles as a child but harping about it every time doesn't help at all. Trust your child's judgment, they are not as naive as you think. It is not enough as a parent just to love your kids but it is also important accept them for who they are and what they want to be. And finally, don't make your love appear conditional on them being successful. The truth is that it is hard to find unconditional love, even parents' love is conditional, but at least don't make it so obvious. Happy parenting.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

How to deal with our fears

Fear is not something people like to discuss. It is a taboo subject for a public conversation. Most people prefer to project themselves as a fearless person. Even with social media where people share so much, people do not want to accept that they have fears, comfortable in sharing their vulnerabilities, and discuss how to deal with them. It seems to have any fear is considered a sign of weakness and strong people must be devoid of any fears. So, is it really so bad to have any fear, and if you do have any fear or fears then what to do? 

I have no hesitation in accepting that I am not a fearless person. I have some fears that I cannot get rid of, no matter how much I try. According to me, fear is an emotion like any other emotion and it is one of the reasons for our existence on this planet. Our ancestors were fearful of many things and that's why they survived many hostile and dangerous situations that many fearless creatures didn't. So, it is natural and humane to be fearful. There is a reason why our evolution didn't get rid of this emotion. However, it is not good to be overburdened by our fears all the time. This overburdening of fearfulness can either debilitate us or affect our personal and professional lives in a bad way. However, if we use our fears as energy, then it can fuel our actions to deal with them. I can't get rid of all my fears as it is impossible for me to do it. The more I try the more they persist. To avoid this consuming and tiring exercise of getting rid of all my fears, I try to walk with my fears that I cannot get rid of and use them as checkpoints or motivators to do something better. I have some fears that accompany me, but none of them hinder my day-to-day life, many of them protect me from doing things that may hurt me. By being aware of my fears, I do not allow them to walk ahead of me but let them walk behind me and use them to fuel my actions. I try to use them as a shield rather than treating them as my enemies. For example, when I am fearful of making a decision I do extra scrutiny and try to get more information before taking that decision; when I am fearful of my prejudices, I check my statements and behavior more often to make sure I am not falling to prey to propaganda; and when I am fearful of failure or committing a mistake, I tell myself that failures and mistakes are part of our lives and it is important to learn our lesson from them and move on.

Even though people prefer to project themselves as a fearless person one can see that they are actually fearful inside. Especially, in today's world we can see people's fears even when they try to mask them cleverly. Hate politics is one such example. All these so-called tough and fearless people openly use fear to fuel hate among their supporters. These leaders create fictitious enemies to cultivate feelings of fear and use this fear to instill hate. This is an ideal example of the misuse of fear for political rewards. It is true, that fear and the resulting hate have been a potent political weapon for years that's why I am not talking just about today's polarized political climate but I am talking about the politics of hate in general. 

Having fear does not make us weak, similarly, being fearless doesn't make us strong. Having fear is not bad, allow your fear to come in, remember, the more you resist the more it persists. Allow your fear to come in, but do not allow it to lead, keep it as a companion. Fear is a form of energy that we can use either for our benefit or detriment, the choice is ours. We can allow them to walk behind or with us as our companions and use them whenever necessary to take some protective steps or we can allow them to overpower us and dictate our every action. The choice is ours because the fear is ours.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

How to become a perfect parent?

I am sure you found the title of this post interesting, and the title might be the only reason you are reading this. I am a parent of two kids who are now in their twenties. I can tell you from experience that parenting is a tough job. No parent knows that frustration and failures would be an integral part of this job before becoming a parent. They struggle, find it hard to deal with their kids, and try to seek advice from various places thinking that others must have figured this out. Many parents of young kids come to me and my wife for parenting advice and they think we must have figured this thing out. Let me clear one misunderstanding first, there is nothing like a perfect parent, they don't exist. Every parent makes mistakes and they struggle a lot. As a parent, we lose our patience, yell at our kids, get frustrated, say things we don't really mean, and regret later on, get too busy, and miss some school functions or meetings, the list can go on but I think you get my point. So, even though there is nothing like a perfect parent, each parent can improve based on their interactions with their kids and can try to be a better parent. As there is no perfect parent, there is also no perfect kid. Both, parents and kids, are learning from each other. This is the key to parenting, learning from each of our mistakes, and learning from our kids. Our kids tell us something valuable during each argument, each unpleasant or pleasant interaction, and don't miss that lesson.

Restarting the conversation is one essential technique every parent must know. Especially, after having a heated argument it is not easy to restart the conversation on a positive or normal note. A very common mistake parents make is to restart in a condescending manner. They want to tell their child how fortunate the kids are compared to them to have all the privileges and freedom. Once you start on the wrong foot, it really doesn't matter what you say afterward, your child is not going to tune in to that conversation and your good intentions really don't matter at this point. In most cases, the next generation has more privileges and freedoms compared to the previous generation. So, our kids having the same is not a big deal, it's not their fault, and as a parent, we should not use this against them, especially, when they are most vulnerable. A parent must restart the conversation on a positive note treating their child as an equal, condescending tone is not going to help at all. Also remember that as a parent we always have an upper hand as kids depend on us, we should not use this advantage as an opportunity to preach on every occasion. Of course, they will listen, not because they want to, but because they have to. This is the one thing that has helped me the most, after every argument, I always go back and talk to my kids. I don't wait for them to come to me, I go to them. I want to understand their side, if they are not willing to talk at that moment, I come back later, but I never avoid an opportunity to listen to them. My doors are open whenever they are ready. Restarting while addressing unresolved issues is not easy that's why most parents avoid it, they pretend nothing happened. As a parent we try our best, we put our child's interests before us, at least that's what we feel we are doing, therefore, it is not easy to apologize to our child or to digest when our child calls us the worst parent of the world or says some other nasty thing. It is easy not to talk about such incidents or act as if nothing happened, but this doesn't help much. As parents, we need to acknowledge our mistakes explain our side to our children, and also try to understand their side and acknowledge their difficulties and struggles. Believe me, kids don't have an easy life, their struggles are as difficult as ours and are more complicated. As a parent, we should not be adding to their difficulties but try to help them to navigate through their difficulties. 

Another common mistake most parents make is that based on their own life experiences they think they know better than their kids. This may be true in certain situations but in most cases, our experience is useless for our kids. The generation gap is a real thing, and every parent needs to be aware of that gap. Our experiences belong to a certain time and era, and the lessons might be relevant, but our kids face completely different situations and challenges, and parents must try to understand these situations before going into their preaching mode. Don't be under foolish arrogance that just because you are older you are wiser than your kids, this is not going to help you in building a strong bond with your child. Your child will think that you are a jerk. So, be mindful when you undermine your child's views just because according to you they are young and immature. 

Parenting is tough but so is growing up. When we struggle as a parent to keep up with our children, our children also struggle to keep up with us. Parents should not undermine the struggles of their children just because they are finding it hard to juggle their own responsibilities. As a parent, if you need help, your kids can be a good source for that help, provided you sincerely seek that help. The parent's job is not only to love their child but also to trust them and give them freedom of choice. Give your kids a chance to help you and believe me you won't be disappointed. We can't become perfect parents, but we definitely can become better parents compared to yesterday. To become a better parent we need honest and unfiltered feedback and there is no better person than our child to get this feedback. Remember, every child acknowledges their parent's contributions at some point, they may even call us the best parents in the world, we better earn that praise rather than our child saying it just because everyone says it. Happy parenting.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

How did we get there?

My last post was about the effect of negative politics. Our society is getting increasingly siloed and polarized, that too in an era where information is available at our fingertips and we can connect with almost anyone, anywhere in the world who has access to the internet connection. How come we are so disconnected from each other when there are so many social media platforms available. We all need to ask at least one question to ourselves; how did we get there? 

Until recently, diversity was a desirable trait to have in our society. Initially, immigration was encouraged for cheap labor, but it resulted in bringing diversity to that society and such societies immensely benefitted from this phenomenon. Then, how come suddenly diversity became a bad thing? I feel we are convoluting diversity with threat, we are getting paranoid about our own perceived identities assuming that human culture is static and needs to be preserved from destruction. Anything different than our beliefs, culture, or political ideology is perceived as a threat rather than an opportunity to engage in conversation and learn something new. We are convoluting the opportunity to learn with the perception of threat. How did we get there? 

 
Human culture has always evolved, that's the only reason for our progress so far. If we compare any region, religion, culture, or country with what it was just a century ago, we will find how much it has changed. Agreed, now all changes are for good, but there are many positive changes. Most of these changes are the result of challenging the status quo, challenging old customs and traditions. Suddenly, it seems we are scared of change. We are scared to offer women their reproductive rights. We are scared to encourage diverse viewpoints related to sex, gender, sexual orientation, and many other topics. We are scared of social reforms that can help some of our fellow humans to live a dignified life. How did we get there?

Developed countries like the USA used to be a brave and experimental society. But it seems even we are now scared to experiment. We want to stick with every old tradition or belief no matter how negatively it affects some sections of our society. Issues like racism, casteism, and sexism that are universally condemned not only still exist in our societies, but they are openly used by popular politicians to appease their voter base and win elections. Social ills like racism, casteism, and sexism divide our society, they project diversity as a threat, not a strength. These things have resulted in suffering for large sections of our society for centuries. When we all agree that these divisive things are bad and must be condemned, I wonder how are we tolerating divisive politics that uses these things openly to divide us. How did we get there? 

Some of us detest and hate fellow humans just for who they are. They want to deprive others of living their lives on their own term. Somehow freedom to practice religion (which should be there) is considered as a more fundamental right than freedom to practice your sexual orientation. People are not angry by racist or bigotry comments by popular politicians but they are angry over the use of some pronouns. People are okay with voting for divisive and narcissistic leaders just because they feel their political agenda can be implemented. Despite having information and data, we are getting increasingly insensitive toward the social and emotional well-being of our fellow humans. How did we get there?

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

The effect of negative politics

Politics has been always a part of our lives. Whether we vote or not, support any political party or not, engage in political discussions or not, politics touches different realms of our lives, especially when it starts polarizing society to such an extent that there is no middle ground. You are assumed to be either with or against them. You will be assigned a side, even if you don't choose any. Actually, choosing a side is not bad, we must take a stand on issues. Neutrality doesn't solve any problems, it makes it worse. However, bracketing someone as a friend or enemy based on their stand is the problem. Extreme polarization is a direct effect of negative politics. This is a type of politics where a leader or a political party establishes their identity entirely based on their political opponent. The political opponent is no longer just a political rival but is categorized as an enemy of the state, and the same label is given to all its supporters. This is the type of politics where the party we support entirely evades any scrutiny as they want our attention only focused on our opponents. Each and every move of the opponent is highlighted as an antinational activity. No wonder such politics divides a country more than any enemy propaganda can. People start treating their political rivals as anti-nationals, each election is like a war against the enemy of the state rather than an election between ideologies. 

Now you may ask, what's new in all this? Political parties and their leaders were always attacking each other, political rivalries and heated arguments have been part of our culture for centuries, and political polarization existed before. And you are right. However, we were not as siloed as we are now. I was amazed to see how soloed people are. Nowadays, people read only a particular newspaper or watch only a particular news channel, and follow a particular movie star, not because they feel that's the best or most informative, but just because it supports their political ideology. People surround themselves with people who think and behave the same. How pathetic it is for the development of our society. We are hesitant to engage with people different than us and without any engagement we have very strong opinions about them. In an era where information is easily accessible to a large population, we chose to live in echo chambers. In an era where we know most about gender equality, different sexualities, and different facets of human life, many of us chose to close our eyes and ears and think that the regressive society of 100 years back was a better place than today's society. 

Does all this make me angry, frustrated, sad, or all three? Well, sometimes. But mostly I feel pity. I feel pity for all who only define themselves based on their perceived political enemies without having their own identity. I feel pity for all those who refuse to accept the feelings and choices of their fellow humans and resent or hate them just for who they are. I feel pity, not because I feel I am more intelligent or better informed than them, but because they have access to the same information that I used to refine and update my views but they refuse to do it. I had very dated views about many social and political issues as came from an underprivileged background and access to information was not easy. But when that access became available I used it to check each and every value and opinion that I held on to so dearly. Many of them couldn't stand that scrutiny, the choice I had was to stick to my old beliefs and refuse to change or accept that many things that I learned from my culture were regressive and I should change. I am glad that I chose to change. This is why I can now recognize the negative politics and stay away from it. I am optimistic that people will come out of their siloed chambers and recognize and appreciate the diversity of our world. Imagine having the same color, same pattern, same leader, same song, same ideology, and same gender, and the same everything around. How unreal and unnatural that world will look. The negative politics wants us to desire just that, a society without any diversity, be aware, and act accordingly. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

The moon landing and debris of the livelihood - the same country, two different pictures

On 23 August 2023, the Indian Space Research Organization (ISRO) successfully put a lander and a rover (Chandrayaan-3) near the south pole of the Moon. The entire world celebrated this scientific achievement and India rightfully highlighted its scientific capabilities through this achievement. Many Indians celebrated this event in their own way, my brother, who runs a small business, a sweet shop, also celebrated this by distributing two free jalebis (a popular Indian sweet) to all customers who visited his shop the next day of the landing. The same shop from which he earns his livelihood and supports his family, the same shop where he celebrated his country's marvelous scientific achievement, was ruthlessly demolished by the same country's government machinery whose success he was celebrating just a few days back. However, this is not the post about Chandrayaan-3 or my brother's loss. This is the story of India which on one side celebrates the achievements of some and then crushes the livelihoods of some who try their best to support their families by whatever means available to them. 

The businesses that were demolished were present on private property but their fault was that they didn't have all the required papers or permits. So, instead of charging the fines, making sure that proper permits are procured, or dragging them into a court of law, the government thought the best mode of action was to demolish those properties without any due process. And this all happened in this century, that too in the country that calls itself the biggest democracy in the world. To tell you the truth, this is not the first time I have seen this happening. We have lived under the threat of demolition for more than 25 years in our home in Pune, India. The reason was the same, lack of proper government documentation. The home was built on the land purchased by my father but he couldn't obtain proper permits due to his lack of knowledge and also as no one else in that neighborhood had any permits. However, our home was never demolished as we had protection from the local politician, and that home still stands there even today, but we have seen other homes and shops getting demolished. Some of these demolitions were for land encroachment where people encroach on government land. At least such demolitions are somewhat justified as the land belonged to the government, but that's an exception and not the norm, most of these demolitions involve properties built on privately owned land. Such demolitions destroy families, as most of the time they invest their entire fortune to build that structure. For some it's their only home, for some, it's their only source of income, some take hefty loans to set up that business, some sell their lands and jewelry to raise money to build their dream home. Once such property gets destroyed these people have nowhere to go, their only shelter or livelihood is gone and the economic impact is so devastating that for most it is impossible to come out of the burden of debt and sense of total loss. Many times, these people get fooled by misleading or false promises by the land seller or their landlord, however, neither the landlord who rented or sold the land nor the government who demolished the property gets affected, and the only victim in all this is the family currently dependent on that property. 

The lander and rover of the Chandrayaan-3 mission are sending photos of the Moon and ISRO is proudly sharing them. Indians are happy as this was funded by their tax money. I wonder what my brother and many like him whose investments and dreams are demolished by the government machinery must be thinking while looking at those moon pictures and then looking at the debris of their hard work. Will they feel any happiness about this achievement that was supported by their tax money when the same tax money was used to destroy their shops? What message is one supposed to get when on one side the government claims to encourage entrepreneurship and then ruthlessly destroys the businesses of solo entrepreneurs? What the country's youth is supposed to do when unemployment is high and there is a serious threat of government actions Two completely different pictures, from the same country: one happy, another very sad; one looking at the future with enthusiasm, another worrying if they can have any future at all; one shared all over the world, another no one bothers to even check. The same country, the same taxpayers money, but completely different outcomes, one optimistic another ruthlessly dark and gloomy. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

Representation matters, without that gender equality is a distant dream

Gender equality is still a hot topic, many people have written about it and many more will write. I have also written extensively about the issue of gender quality. Even after all the progress and barrier-breaking, gender equality is a distant dream. I know, many men and maybe women may disagree with me and argue that there is already gender equality as women are free to do whatever they want in many societies, especially in developed countries like the USA. However, this is far from reality. People who make this argument have no idea about the prejudices and challenges women need to face every day and at every step of their life for things that are granted to men just because of their gender. For example, women still get harassed in public places; they still need to be conscious about the way they dress as many judge their character based on the dress they wear; there are specific beauty standards set for women; they need to perform better than men just to show that they deserve that job; and in most households even when both partners work, it is the woman who is expected to cook and bear childcare related workload. I have cited just a few most common challenges faced by women, the list can grow depending on which country, religion, and socio-economic background they come from. All these hurdles that hinder their path make their journey incredibly difficult and unpredictable. This is why I have tremendous respect for all women who fight against all these odds and still chase their professional and personal goals. Women are still fighting for representation forget about gender equality, and that's still a distant dream. Representation matters. It not only provides opportunities but also provides hope for all those who are struggling and trying to maneuver through different obstacles. One can look at the data and see that women are missing from many key domains of decision-making. This needs to change. Be it by affirmative action, reservation, or by any other means, this needs to change. Also, there is nothing against men in the process of improving women's representation, men need to work on improving their representation in all domains where women were forced to cordon themselves. One of the problems why we are still struggling is that people who have no clue about the real difficulties faced by women are sitting in policy development. These people are either ignorant or full of prejudices and they propose solutions or policies that hardly produce any desired results. We aimed for gender equality but we are still struggling with representation, gender equality is not possible without proper representation. Unless we improve women's representation all our talk about gender equality is just a talk, nothing else. Therefore, focus on representation first, once we reach there, we will work towards equality. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com 

Society's endless desire to control women's rights

It is true that we have come a long way as far as women's rights are concerned. Just a few decades ago, women did not have the right to vote, own property, sign a contract, or right to ancestral property. However, this does not mean society's desire to control women and their rights has ended or eroded, we see glimpses of this in various incidents around the world. Whether it is commenting on their dress, sexual behavior, right to choose a career over family, their reproductive rights, or in some countries their right to choose a spouse (for example, love jihad laws in India), all this is targetted towards women and their rights to make independent choices about various aspects of their life. The question is why women's rights are endlessly targeted? Why do societies fear independent and self-sufficient women? 

The answer is simple, society, no matter whether developed, developing, or undeveloped, is not yet used to living with independent and strong-minded women. Societies, especially, men are worried that if they lose control over women they may become a disposable entity and that's why there are efforts to control women's rights using various political and social methods. Women's reproductive rights are a very good example of this. A man has no inhibition to use contraceptives and decide whether he wants to become a father or not. The same rights are not offered to a woman. In many places, even if a woman becomes pregnant due to rape or incest, or even if their life is in danger they cannot terminate the pregnancy. This means, society literally forces a woman to give birth to a child that she doesn't want to have. Imagine the consequences of this for that mother and that child, they both are subjected to live in a relationship that both didn't choose. Also, society only takes interest in this until the child is born, the same society that forced women to give birth by banning abortion or birth control does not show any interest in taking care of that child once it is out of that woman's womb. One would expect that when some society claims to care about unborn fetuses so much it will create a great facility to take care of unwanted children born out of forced pregnancies. Such a society will provide necessary facilities such as childcare, food, shelter, and education until such children become independent. But no, they just force a woman to produce that child and leave both of them on their own, such is their interest in the welfare of that mother and child. They just want to control the reproductive rights of women, they have zero interest in the welfare of any woman with an unwanted pregnancy or any child born from such pregnancy. The words "pro-life" and "pro-choice" are just marketing tag lines, there is nothing pro in abortion. Reproductive rights including abortion is a woman's right to choose whether she wants to become a mother or not, period. 

Abortion is not an easy choice for any woman, but it is their right to make that choice. Sperms and eggs both have the probability to develop into humans under the right conditions and so is the embryo, no one is banned from disposing of their sperm or egg, so what a big deal with an embryo. Who is the state to control women's bodies and reproduction? Every woman should have exclusive rights over her own body and her reproductive rights. Just because nature has given women the ability to become pregnant society does not get the right to control their body and reproduction. Society needs to let go of the endless desire to control women. Women must be treated as humans and not just reproductive machines, not infringing on their reproductive rights is a step in that direction. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

©Vinay Thakur,  Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com  

Misogyny is the product of religion

Religion is one of the oldest enterprises humans are engaged in. All religions are man-made. I am purposely using the phrase "man-made," because they all are conceived by men Don't believe me, verify yourself, the easiest way to verify is to glance at some famous books from any religion and check the gender of the authors of those books. Therefore, all religions are misogynist as they are conceived through the mind of men of that era who were shaped by the misogynist society of that respective era. Even religion like Hinduism that makes tall claims about worshipping female gods and giving women higher status was and still is cruel and barbaric towards women. Claiming to worship female gods and treating women like humans and not like property are totally different things. In all countries where women are treated better compared to any point in human history, it is because of modern laws and not because of any religion. Rather, in some places where tremendous progress was made, there is a pushback on women's rights citing religious beliefs as one of the reasons. Religion is always used to curb women's rights but never to expand them.  

I know this is a sensitive issue and will ruffle many feathers. Believers of all religions will feel hurt and will argue that their religion cares about women and it is the other religions that are responsible for all mistreatment offered to women. This is an expected and age-old reaction by all religions whenever the topic of misogyny is raised. Also, worshipping or having female gods or prophets, or trying to protect women by sheltering them, or giving them higher or special status (and in return restricting their freedom) are usual lame excuses offered by all religions to laminate their real agenda of controlling women and their bodies. No religion has shown courage so far to apologize and accept their mistreatment of women, they all do offer some lame excuses or even shamelessly justify the injustice delivered to women. It is not that the history of misogyny associated with every religion baffles me but the impunity and shameless defense of that history by their believers, even today.   

Convincing women that religion is good for them is one of the greatest marketing scams of human history, there is nothing equivalent to this scam. I also must mention that product like religion is necessary for many people, it provides them some comfort and solace psychologically, and it was the only option in the era when there was no other help available for any mental health-related issues. The availability of other resources that can calm our nerves is one of the reasons why religion is losing some ground, but it is still one of the strongest forces that control the human mind and behavior. Therefore, it is important to analyze and scrutinize all of them and force gradual changes. Many religions have mended their ways silently without accepting any wrongdoings, this is good and definitely a step in the right direction, but still not enough, they also need to acknowledge their contribution to misogyny and apologize. They can at least do this much for all the suffering and mistreatment directed toward women in the name of that religion. I hope women will take up this cause and make them accountable.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

How is your social health?

Most of us try our best to look after our physical health. Regular checkups and various diagnostic tests help us to monitor our physical health. Post Covid we are also aware of mental health issues and slowly, and really slowly society is becoming comfortable with discussing mental health-related topics. We still have a long way to go, mental health issues are pervasive and widespread but their discussion is not that common, many families and individuals still hesitate to be open about their mental health. This is why I am bringing in the topic of social health. How are we doing about our relationships? These relationships include our family and other relationships like friends and colleagues. Various research studies and data suggest that our social health contributes not only to our mental health but also to our physical health. Therefore, it is important to pay attention to our relationships and nurture them, especially the ones that matter to us.  

Most of us make the mistake of taking our relationships for granted. Just because someone loves us doesn't mean they should tolerate each and every nonsense from us. The relationship is a bilateral process, you give and you take, if one person is only taking or giving that relationship is exploitative and nonsustainable, and if it lasts long it is damaging to both, especially to the constant giver. Also, relationships help us to remain human. Humans are social animals, and being connected is one of our basic needs. This is the reason why social media has become so popular, it fulfills our need to be connected. But too much social media is counterproductive, instead of getting benefitted from increased connectivity with the outside world we start getting disconnected from our immediate surroundings. We start comparing our insides with the outsides that others share on social media. This is why I call social media a double-edged sword, it can benefit you if you use it properly, but if not, it can be damaging, and we don't even know the extent of the damage until it's too late. Also, every relationship demands and needs attention. Our attention is the single most valuable asset that we can provide in any relationship. Many of us know this but forget to practice in real life. Focusing our attention is very important if we want to be present for the person we care about. Our improved attention can improve our social health, and this in turn can improve our mental and physical health. Therefore, start working on your social health, take stock of your relationships, and review where you need to focus and which parts need work from your side. Remember, as long as they are there it is never too late to express your gratitude and love to a person you love. Spend enough time nurturing the relationships that matter to you and you will never regret it, as these are the things you will cherish and remember fondly in the long run. All the very best.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

Is it enough to be a democracy?

Recently, during the visit of Indian Prime Minister Mr. Modi, India and the USA patted each other's backs for being the largest and the oldest democracies. This was such a pathetic display of self-praise without recognizing the respective problems these democracies are facing. Just because regular elections are held and people vote doesn't make any country a true democracy. If we consider the criteria of regular elections and voting, then many countries could qualify or claim themselves as democracies, but we all know that this is not true. Yes, elections and voting are important aspects of any democracy but they are not the only aspects of it. Freedom of expression, political prosecution of opponents, uniformity of voting rights, subjugation of minorities by the majority, and transparency of the electoral process are some of the other factors that can tell whether it is a functioning democracy or just a paper democracy.

When politicians, especially elected ones, behave in an autocratic manner like kings and queens, is it a real democracy? When the economic fortune of elected politicians multiplies by orders of magnitude after their elections and no one, either the government or the people, questions this, is it a real democracy? When people vote for a bottle of liquor and some money, is it a real democracy? When the voting rights of some people are suppressed because of their social or economic status, is it a real democracy? When voters are continuously misinformed and fed with propaganda and religious fanatism, is it a real democracy? The questions are many, and the point is when some sections are systematically suppressed can we call that system a true democracy?

Agreed, with all its flaws and problems, democracy is still the best system we have. It is messy and not perfect, but this is the reason it is not a big deal to be a paper democracy, where the processes are present but the effect is autocracy. Implementing some democratic process is the minimum any country can do, and the US and India do a great job at it. Also, there are many countries that do not even have these processes, but they also don't claim to be the largest or the oldest democracies. This is why it becomes more important for any country that wants to flaunt its democratic credentials to make sure that its process is not ridden with loopholes and problems making it inefficient and undemocratic. This chest thumping can be a good public relations event or may mesmerize respective political bases, but beyond that, it does not have any meaning. FIX the broken system. It looks pathetic when leaders of two important democratic countries praise each other while their countries are ridden with problems that need their immediate attention. Optics are great for PR, but go and fix the real problems. It is not enough to be a paper democracy, make sure that every eligible person gets the right to vote and no voices are suppressed either directly or indirectly, and then, let's have a party.   

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

Since when the US is scared of opinions and facts

I was a little taken back by reading phrases like "cancel culture," or other similar related terms where a group of people tries to ban or boycott a person, organization, product, brand, or anything else due to an issue that this group of people disapproves or finds offensive. Nothing is surprising in people getting offended, hurt, or angry because of something said by someone, this has happened before, and this is happening more often and on a larger scale due to social media. What is surprising is that a country like the USA is trying to stifle freedom of expression because someone is offended or disapproves of something said by someone, that too on college campuses where such exchanges should happen frequently and in a civilized manner. Any society where the freedom of expression is stifled blocks its way toward progress. Yes, freedom of expression comes with a price, it includes the risk of getting offended or hurt, and it includes the duty to protect others' right to express themselves so that our own rights are protected. Imagine a society where only nice things that everyone agrees or feels happy about are said and heard, does anyone think such a society exists anywhere? No. It doesn't. Not even in mythological books. 

We can't agree on everything all the time. Also, if we all agree on everything all the time we won't need the fundamental right of freedom of expression, we need this right only when something offensive or derogatory is said, when someone disagrees and needs legal protection to express that disagreement without being intimidated by the government or any other public entity. The USA has done a great job so far in protecting this right and this is also one of the reasons for its progress. This is why it is concerning when a country like the US behaves in a way as if it is scared of unpopular opinions or facts that do not validate some popular perceptions. This behavior of stifling freedom of expression is happening from both sides of the political spectrum, maybe one is doing more than the other, but supporters of both the major parties in the US are behaving as if the other has no right to express their opinions. This phenomenon is concerning for someone like me who has been impressed by the freedom of expression offered in the US. In fact, this is the major aspect that made me fall in love with this country. There are many other aspects that one can admire about the US but freedom of expression is the top one in my list. Also, don't interpret my statement to mean that there is nothing to criticize about the US. As there are many aspects to admire, there is ample opportunity for growth and many aspects that could be and should be criticized, and this is why the right to freedom of expression needs to be protected at every level, especially in colleges and universities. 

So, if you are an American and want to preserve and capitalize on the progress made by this country, then don't let your own biases and prejudice come in the way of limiting the right of freedom of expression of your opponents. As we have the right to say things we want, our opponents also have the same right, nothing more, and nothing less. Yes, it will be great if people don't say offensive stuff, but they do. Yes, it will be great, if people don't behave like jerks, morons, or bigots, but they do. Yes, it will be great if our opponents behave and don't say nasty things about us, but they do. And as long as all these things are within the allowed legal boundaries they should be protected no matter who is doing or why are they doing it. Remember, any civilized society is not scared of opinions and facts no matter how unpleasant or offensive they are, and a strong country is not offended by criticism directed towards it, rather, it uses these things to become a better and stronger country. I am sure irrespective of their political affiliations all Americans want their country to be a better and stronger country.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com 

Ideas are ineffective without skills to use them

The Internet and social media platforms have provided an excellent platform to express and propagate different thoughts and ideas. There are many great ideas and concepts introduced by people from different backgrounds. These ideas are mainly propagated through books, talks, social media posts, or blogs. Most of these ideas have great potential to influence our lives in a positive way. This is why they get attention and recognition from a wide audience pool. Many of these concepts are very well received and people are intrigued to learn about them, but unfortunately, things don't proceed beyond this point. 

I am no different, I also get impressed by many talks and books by many thinkers. However, even though these concepts are appealing and sound useful, in most cases, there needs to be some practical guidance on how to use them effectively in our day-to-day life. Without any demonstrated public use people find these ideas and concepts interesting but fail to use them in their real life. The ideas get popular, people introducing them become popular, and we get some new influencers, but hardly anything changes at the workplace, in homes, or in society. Many of these potentially useful ideas (or social and personal tools) remain just ideas that are discussed and debated, but not practiced, and this happens not because people don't want to use or practice them, they just don't know how to do it. That is, without the proper skills to use these ideas, they remain only interesting and appealing theoretical concepts without much practical use. The only positive gain from this process is that the innovators of these concepts get popular they get invitations to deliver talks as these talks motivate people, but beyond that nothing much changes. These useful tools remain in their infancy forever or just remain interesting topics for debates and discussions.

So, how can we change this so that all these ideas or tools are effectively used for the betterment of our personal and social lives? One way is to learn the skills that are needed to practice and implement these new ideas. For example, just saying vulnerability is a strength and not a weakness is not enough, people clap and continue judging anyone showing their vulnerable side. We need to not only appreciate these new ideas but also seriously practice or encourage anyone who is trying to practice them, no matter how uncomfortable or storage we feel in the beginning. As a matter of fact, we are going to feel uncomfortable in the beginning as some of these concepts are completely alien to our society. There is resistance to even a small change that challenges the status quo, imagine the reaction to something radical and new. Therefore, it becomes the responsibility of all who appreciate or introduce these ideas to make sure that they and all others who consult with them are equipped with the required skills to use these ideas. Once again taking the example of vulnerability, it becomes our responsibility to accept and respect when someone displays or shares their vulnerability with us. It is difficult not to judge, but we need to learn the new skill of not judging if we want to change the existing system that is a legacy of patriarchy, misogyny, and racism. Without being equipped with new skills we cannot defeat old social evils that have robust and well-functioning mechanisms to propagate exploitory culture. So, don't just be a cheerleader for new ideas be a practitioner and the agent for the change you want, be that "someone" you always wanted should initiate the change, and be the listener as well as a doer. All the very best.   

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

©Vinay Thakur,  Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com