What Hate Politics Taught Me

The rise of cult politicians like Trump, Modi, and many others around the world has transformed the political landscape across many regions and countries. A new right-wing politics has emerged, one built entirely on hate and division. In reality, polarization, or divide and rule, has long been a familiar political trick used by politicians across parties to win elections. But these political cult leaders and their comrades have taken polarization to unprecedented levels. They not only managed to sharpen ideological differences but also divided people as if they were enemies of each other, separated by race, nationality, and political belief.

This phenomenon, no matter how harmful to our nations and societies, has taught me at least one important thing. It has shown me how many people around me, including friends and family, carry deep hatred toward people they have never even met. This hatred is not rooted in personal experience; it is driven purely by the religion, caste, or nationality of those they feel threatened by. Many hold a visceral hatred for Muslims, Christians, Hindus, Jews, other races, and people who simply look different, and they no longer feel the need to hide it.

What surprises me most is not the hatred itself, but how comfortably people carry it, how they live with that much rage and venom inside them, day after day, and call it normal. I often wonder whether this hatred is a newly formed perception, shaped by propaganda constantly fed to them from every direction, or whether it was always there, dormant, and simply resurfaced when it found a conducive environment, the way a latent virus reawakens.

In a strange way, all this polarization has been clarifying. While revealing the true character of many people around me, it reminded me how rare and precious love and kindness actually are.

Hostility toward my views is not new to me. I have faced it since I was very young, and I was still trying to navigate complex questions and doubts I had about many things happening around me. But the intensity of the attacks, and the visceral, personal hatred directed at anyone who dares to disagree, is something new. The moment you express an opinion, you are not only placed in a camp but branded with a label meant to ridicule rather than engage. There is no discussion, only attack. Questions are not asked; accusations are hurled, and judgments are passed. Shouting matches are passed off as debates. Facts no longer matter if they fail to confirm what you already believe. Everything that challenges your belief is fake; everything that validates it is unquestionable truth. This is the binary world manufactured by cult politicians and their followers.

Even in this polarized and charged environment, I feel genuinely lucky — lucky that what I carry inside me is not hate, but love, and enough of it to spread around. While so many choose to spew venom, I choose differently. And in times like these, that choice feels more important than ever.

I hope that no matter what you believe or which political party you support, you choose to spread love and not hatred. Because you can only give what you have, and if what you are spreading is hate, fear, and lies, that is what you are full of. Be brave. Choose love over hate. 

Thank you for reading, and please share your views on this topic. 

In Search of Love

Love and hate are universal emotions found across the animal kingdom. Their expressions may differ from species to species, but both emotions are deeply ingrained in the fabric of life. Humans are no exception. Yet, despite all our intellect and progress, humanity has never mastered the art of finding love.

Over time, we have tried to channel this powerful emotion through institutions like family and marriage, constructs designed to give love a stable, socially acceptable form. But while these structures can provide companionship or social order, they do not guarantee love. At best, they offer the security of togetherness; at worst, they create emotional prisons where people cohabit without affection or understanding. There are countless homes where people live under the same roof but remain emotionally estranged. This is why people continue to search for love, even while seemingly having everything that society says they should.

Why does love remain so elusive? Why can’t we always find it within our families or marriages? The answer often lies in the absence of gratitude, compassion, and respect, the very essence of love. Ironically, people who live closest to one another can be the most hurtful. They see each other’s best and worst moments, but often fixate on the flaws. Over time, empathy fades, and emotional manipulation replaces care. When one partner becomes the constant target of control or neglect, any affection that remains is not love; it’s emotional conditioning, sometimes resembling Stockholm syndrome.

Love cannot be manufactured by rituals or sustained by duty. It flourishes only where people genuinely care, respect, and try to understand each other. Yet our societies measure relationships not by emotional depth but by adherence to tradition and its length. Those who do not conform, people who choose to live single, pursue unconventional partnerships, or reject societal templates, are often judged as incomplete or abnormal. Their happiness is questioned simply because it doesn’t fit within the accepted framework of family or marriage.

Although modern societies are slowly opening up to nontraditional relationships such as live-in partnerships, the pressure to conform to conventional routes remains immense. People continue to marry not always out of love, but out of fear, fear of judgment, loneliness, or social rejection. And so, even within these well-defined systems, the search for love goes on.

True love is rooted in compassion, gratitude, and respect; it cannot be institutionalized. It cannot be bought, forced, or guaranteed by law. It must be nurtured freely, beyond the boundaries of tradition and expectation. Until we learn to value love for its essence rather than its form, humanity’s search for it will never end. 

Thank you for reading. Please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved. Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

Politics and Violence: A Marriage of Convenience

In today’s world, politics and violence are no longer separate ideas. If you look closely at the rhetoric of modern politics, across countries and parties, you will see that hate and aggression are woven into nearly every radical populist political movement. Violence is no longer confined to unstable or developing nations with ethnic conflicts; it has become a global political currency.

Why? Because hate and polarization deliver tremendous dividends. They guarantee long-term power without the burden of accountability. This is why almost every government or political party is tempted to use this method either to win an election or stay in power without doing any public good. A divided society does not ask its leaders for jobs, education, or healthcare. Instead, it demands revenge. Citizens begin to rejoice not in their own well-being, but in the suffering of their opponents. This is the enduring “divide and rule” strategy: fear and hate for those who look different, pray differently, or think differently. It is one of the oldest tricks in politics, and in the age of social media, it has become more potent than ever.

You may ask: aren’t people smart enough to recognize when they are being manipulated? You wish. In the age of social media algorithms, echo chambers have become impenetrable. People are now fed only what they already believe. Rarely do they challenge their views; instead, they consume one reel, one meme, one outrage post at a time until bigotry feels like truth.

This brainwashing has consequences. Racism, sexism, misogyny, and xenophobia are dressed up as nationalism, populism, or patriotism. The freedom of expression is invoked to defend hateful propaganda, but when others use the same freedom to dissent, they are silenced or branded as traitors. Even parties that claim to champion freedom of speech remain silent when their opponents are silenced through government force or intimidation, such is the blinding effect of the lust for power. What we see is not freedom, it is propaganda masquerading as liberty. The echo chambers of hate are not only created by powerful algorithms, but they are actively reinforced by the tactful monitoring of human behavior and tacit approval from all parties who benefit from it. 

The tragedy deepens when governments themselves deploy propaganda. When hate becomes a policy, instead of debating ideas for the public good, politicians weaponize communities against one another to mask their own failures and corruption. We see working-class citizens cheering for tax cuts for billionaires, believing that the “enemy within” is to blame for their struggles.

Take immigration. It is a serious problem that requires solutions, but instead of policy, politicians fuel hatred against entire communities. The result? Citizens are fighting among themselves while those in power escape scrutiny. In this system, every death becomes political capital, not a human tragedy. Citizens are not valued as members of society but used as political weapons, activated, manipulated, and discarded.

History is full of examples: empires, kings, colonizers, and dictators have always relied on hate and violence as tools of control. What is alarming today is that even democratically elected governments are adopting the same playbook, ruling less like representatives of the people and more like autocrats. And disturbingly, citizens are not just tolerating it; they are cheering it on. Many celebrate the erosion of fundamental rights when it happens to their opponents, convinced that it will never touch them. But when genocides are glorified as heroics and propaganda is consumed as fact, society loses its moral compass. Bigotry may start as an opinion, but repeated often enough, it calcifies into “truth.” Once that “truth” is amplified by media and algorithms, propaganda doesn’t just shape the news, it becomes the news.

The saddest reality is this: we, the people, are allowing it to happen. Our silence, our complicity, and our willingness to stay in our comfort zones enable this cycle. It does not have to be this way. Politics need not be synonymous with violence and hate. Our political opponents are not enemies of the state. We can reject this toxic model. We can choose love, compassion, constructive criticism, and accountability as the foundation of politics.

The power of hate is immense, but so is the power of humanity. History shows that hate divides, but love unites. The choice is before us. The question is: will we wake up in time?

Thank you for reading. Please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved. Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

Bridging Differences: Our Journey of Love and Acceptance in a Polarized World

Every couple has its own story, a journey that takes them from acquaintances to lovers, through the joys and struggles of building a family, and ultimately towards a deeper understanding of each other, including the similarities and big differences. Reena and I are no different; we have been on an amazing journey for the last 27 years. One of the most significant aspects of this journey is our journey on the path of acceptance. Many couples share common ground in aspects like religion, culture, nationality, and personal and political beliefs, making their journey of togetherness relatively smoother. But for some, like Reena and me, our differences far outweigh our similarities. And yet, despite these differences, we have built a relationship grounded in love, mutual respect, and unwavering support for each other. Our journey is one of acceptance, a story that holds particular relevance in today's increasingly polarized society.

There are countless ways in which Reena and I are different. To begin with, ours was an arranged marriage—we hardly knew each other before deciding to embark on this lifelong partnership. Our first meeting took place in her family home, under the watchful eyes of relatives, in a setting that left little room for a deep, personal connection. Yet, despite the absence of a traditional courtship, we built a bond that grew stronger over time. Our differences, rather than dividing us, became opportunities for growth and understanding. Our differences helped both of us to understand each other more than our similarities.

One of the most fundamental disparities between us lies in our views on religion. Over time, I moved away from religious beliefs and practices, while Reena remained steadfast in her faith. It is not uncommon for interfaith couples to navigate such differences, but in our case, it was not a matter of different faiths; it was the coexistence of faith and skepticism under one roof. While I have little interest in rituals and customs, Reena finds solace in them. While I have no respect for customs that I believe are deeply patriarchal and misogynistic, Reena finds peace and happiness in some of them. Over the years, rather than allowing these differences to create irreconcilable rifts, we have learned to accommodate each other’s perspectives. She has made me more tolerant of certain aspects of religion, and I have helped her recognize the historical and systemic issues within religious institutions, particularly in relation to patriarchy and gender inequality.

I highlight this aspect of our relationship because religious and ideological differences are becoming flashpoints of division in our world today. Hate-based politics is thriving, with leaders deliberately stoking fear and resentment to gain power. People are increasingly retreating into ideological camps, unwilling to engage with those who think differently. This polarization is not limited to religion—it extends to politics, social issues, and even personal values. It is disheartening to witness how societies that have made incredible advancements in knowledge and understanding are regressing into division and hostility. It is sad to see that rather than working towards a common goal, people are trying to score brownie points over each other. It is sad to see that rather than accepting our differences and moving on with our similarities, people are more interested in vilifying each other and playing the blame game. 

However, acceptance does not mean blind agreement or passive tolerance. True acceptance lies in acknowledging our differences while recognizing the necessity of working together. It means allowing space for disagreement, engaging in meaningful dialogue, and striving to understand opposing viewpoints rather than dismissing them outright. It means choosing to coexist and build something greater, despite unresolved differences. It is not that there were no arguments or moments of stress; these are part of any relationship dynamics. What matters is how we handle these moments of friction. Reena and I did not arrive at this understanding through a single, profound revelation. There was no grand epiphany, just a series of everyday moments where we chose to support rather than resist, to listen rather than argue to prove each other wrong, and to love rather than alienate. If we, as individuals with starkly different beliefs and outlooks, can create a life together rooted in compassion, then surely society at large can do the same.

I hope our journey serves as a reminder that differences will always exist, but they should never overshadow our shared humanity. In a world where division is increasingly the norm, choosing acceptance and cooperation is not just an act of love; it is an act of defiance against the forces that seek to divide us. Let us all strive to build something beautiful together, filled with understanding, love, compassion, and yes, our differences. Our differences will stay, but so should our love, understanding, and compassion.

Thank you for reading and please share your views about your journey of acceptance. 

*Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com 

Happy New Year

Welcome to 2025. Another year has dawned, bringing with it the promise of new beginnings and fresh opportunities. We experience many moments of joy and sorrow in any given year. Like every other year, 2024 was filled with moments of joy and sorrow, highs and lows, and experiences that shaped us in countless ways. For some, milestones like graduation, marriage, childbirth, or the loss of a loved one defined the year. For others, it was a quieter journey marked by personal victories and challenges.

As we step into 2025, many of us may be looking for New Year’s resolutions—some routine, some ambitious. Whether your goals involve fitness, career growth, or mastering a new skill, I have one suggestion to add to your list: be kind—to yourself and to others. In a world that often feels divided and polarized, kindness is not just an act of goodwill; it’s a necessity. The pervasive negativity and divisiveness in our public discourse, fueled by selfish leaders and sensationalism, have left many searching for enemies in others to blame for all their problems. This mindset is neither healthy nor sustainable. Kindness, on the other hand, has the power to heal people and societies. It helps build strong and reliable connections with those around us. It fosters compassion and inclusiveness, qualities that can transform not only our personal relationships but also the broader society.

Imagine a world where we truly listened to one another, where we sought understanding instead of conflict. What if, instead of focusing on our differences, we celebrated our commonalities? What if, instead of focusing on our disagreements, we move forward on points where we agree? The choice is ours: we can dwell on what divides us, or we can embrace what unites us. Like all good deeds, kindness also begins at home—with yourself and with our families. Too often, we are our own harshest critics. We set impossible standards and berate ourselves for falling short. This year, resolve to offer yourself the same grace you would extend to a dear friend. When you are kind to yourself, you build a foundation for greater resilience and empathy. You become better equipped to show up for others with patience and understanding.

When kindness becomes a guiding principle, its ripple effects can be profound. It can restore civility to public discourse that has grown increasingly toxic. It can mend relationships and bridge divides. And it can remind us that we are stronger together than apart. Kindness doesn't stop us from disagreeing with others or standing up for ourselves, it just provides a different way of doing these things. Kindness is not just a personal virtue; it’s a societal imperative. A nation that moves forward with compassion and inclusiveness is one that thrives.

This year, let’s make kindness our collective resolution. Let’s commit to being more patient, more understanding, and more gracious—with ourselves and with others. Let’s choose connection over division, understanding over blaming, and love over hate. As 2025 unfolds, may we remember that the power to create a better world lies in the choices we make every day. Together, let’s build a future where kindness and compassion are the norm, not the exception.

Happy New Year! Here’s to a year filled with love, understanding, and meaningful connections!

How do you want to earn respect?

Humans are social animals. We live in groups, interact regularly, and seek continuous validation from each other. These interactions and feelings of community help us to maintain our mental and social health. Our perpetual need to seek validation from others is the major reason for the tremendous success of social media. We want our family, friends, and society to recognize and respect us. Earning respect and validation are fundamental aspects of human interaction. We find various avenues to seek this respect and validation. Power and wealth have become universal tools to command respect in every society. It is important to note that to respect power (wealth is also a form of power), is no different than what animals do, they also respect power, the might is right is the rule of the jungle. Knowingly (or unknowingly) we are following the same rule. Why are we inclined to respect power and wealth so much? Even after all these years of learning and progress why are we okay with obnoxious displays of wealth and power? Why do love, compassion, humor, and kindness not generate as much respect as wealth and power generate? I wonder if people ask these questions in today's fast-paced life.

In a world driven by materialistic pursuits and instant gratification, the quest for respect is often overshadowed by desires for wealth and power. Wealth and power are not bad things per se, it depends how a person uses them. Most, if not all rich, follow a typical lifestyle, some common elements are, living in lavish homes, having unique preferences about schools, colleges, and jobs, and noticeable use of luxury brands. Nothing wrong with any of these things. The problem is when these things become the hallmarks of earning respect and things like integrity, compassion, love, and authenticity are forgotten. In striving for respect, it is essential to acknowledge the pitfalls of a materialistic mindset. Material possessions are necessary and they do provide instant gratification, however, a life solely focused on wealth and power can lead to emptiness and a lack of fulfillment, and ultimately may fail to garner genuine respect. Also, it can foster superficial relationships based on what one has rather than who one is. Therefore, prioritizing material wealth and power as the only means to earn respect can be ultimately futile and shallow.

Another way to earn respect can stem from material wealth and power coupled with the choices we make and the values we uphold. Integrity, for instance, is one of the cornerstones of respect. Being honest, reliable, and principled in our actions establishes ourselves as individuals of character and cultivates trust and admiration from others. Compassion is another powerful quality that is becoming rare as people are getting more aggressively opinionated. Showing empathy and kindness towards others not only enriches their lives but also reflects positively on our own morals and character. When we teach others with dignity and understanding, we foster meaningful connections built on mutual respect and empathy. Many people forget this simple aspect of human interaction, especially on social media or while discussing sensitive issues, this is why we see so polarized society. Authenticity is one of the most important qualities to earn respect. Nowadays, we are so used to seeing the well-curated lives of others on social media that we forget the real colors and flavors of our own personal and social lives. Embracing our true selves, flaws, and all, demonstrates courage and vulnerability. Understanding that courage and vulnerability are two sides of the same coin is very important. Our authenticity invited others to see us for who we are, fostering genuine connections based on acceptance and mutual understanding. Authenticity deeply resonates with others because it acknowledges our humanity and allows for genuine relationships to flourish. Any relationship that is based on mutual respect and compassion helps us to form strong bonds that survive the east of time.

In essence, earning respect goes beyond the accumulation of material wealth, power, or superficial achievements. These things do have their own place in our lives, but they are not replacements for honesty, compassion, kindness, love, and authenticity. By living a life of making conscious choices aligned with these values, we not only earn the respect of others but also cultivate a sense of self-worth and fulfillment that transcends materialism. As we navigate life's complexities and our own challenges, let's strive not only for success but also for respect grounded in the richness of our character and the authenticity of our actions. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com 

Sibling rivalry

Having siblings comes with its own pros and cons. The good part is that you always have someone to talk to and someone to look for support whenever you need it. On the other hand, you have to share almost everything with your siblings up to a particular age, you have someone nagging you all the time, and there is no way to escape this person even if you want to. Hence there is a popular phrase "sibling rivalry," even though siblings are not supposed to be rivals of each other. It is true that most sibling relationships go through a very volatile phase, this phase mostly starts in their teens and continues in their twenties, and then slowly things cool off and settle to bring some normalcy to their relationship. How strong the sibling bond remains largely depends on how tremulous was that volatile phase and how long it takes to cool things off. Another thing that complicated this is that most siblings are not good communicators with each other no matter how articulative and patient they are otherwise. One can easily notice the anger and contempt for no reason when siblings are having an argument with each other, these feelings are not with malice or any other bad intentions but they are there. Too much proximity and continuous presence in each other's life generates some unwanted and unavoidable hostility towards each other. Sibling rivalry is no fun either for siblings or parents, but it is an unavoidable phase of their lives that is impossible to escape, therefore, it is better to learn some valuable lessons from it. This rivalry only results in some positive results when siblings use it for healthy competition and get motivated by each other. It does reach to this stage in many cases but not without its own struggles. 

Can parents help? Not much. Parents are not the reasons for this problem and they can do little to resolve it. Even the forceful use of parental authority that most parents use when they run out of ideas is of little use in this case. Parents can definitely help by not making things worse by comparing siblings with each other and they should make sure that things don't get out of control and get physical, but beyond that, it is the siblings themselves who can resolve whatever issues they have. Acting as a mediator can be an option but most parents don't give enough time to develop such a relationship with their child where they can have candid conversations about various issues their child is facing, hence this option is not available for most parents. As mentioned earlier, things largely depend on how and when things cool off. Arguments and friction are unavoidable, but one thing that siblings don't do with each other which they do in their other relationships like their friendships is that they don't offer the same benefit of the doubt to their siblings that they offer to their friends. 

Siblings can be a great support to each other and this relationship should not be taken for granted just because this is a family-originated bond. Siblings must put some effort and invest quality time in building this relationship as they do with any other relationship. Like any other relationship, this also goes through its own ups and downs, and if not given the attention it requires can disintegrate and get damaged beyond repair. However, there is no need for parents to panic, keep an eye and don't get involved too much, there is no need for firefighters if there is no fire. Siblings should be able to sort out all the issues on their own with little help from their parents. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com 

25 years of togetherness

Today is the 25th anniversary of our marriage. Reena and I got married on 31st May 1998. These 25 years of togetherness have been full of love, excitement, and many other things. I could not have asked for a better companion than Reena for this journey. This journey took us to places that none of us imagined we will go and threw a myriad of challenges that we faced together. She has not only been a committed wife, but also a friend, a critic, and a cheerleader for me. I don't know if we are made for each other, but definitely, we made each other.  

Just to be clear, it was not a fairy tale like they show in movies or we read in books. Ours was not love at first sight or any other love story where we have to struggle and fight with the system or with our families to get married. Ours was an arranged marriage. Even though it could be categorized as an arranged marriage, it was missing some essential ingredients of a typical arranged marriage. Reena's parents and my parents belonged to the same state, Uttar Pradesh (UP), hence my parents wanted to find a bride from UP even after knowing that none of their kids belonged to UP and share any social and cultural aspects of that state. So, I and Reena did not speak the same language, did not grow up in the same cultural and social settings, and did not share the same values. Normally, in a typical arranged marriage bride and groom share these common socio-cultural aspects, but we didn't. As expected, our start was not as smooth as anyone could have expected due to all these differences. Ours was not love at first sight, but it was love after many sights. But once the love entered it never left or got less, rather, it grew year by year and we are now in our 25th year of togetherness.

We tested and challenged each other on many fronts, before realizing that we really complement each other and then the ride together has been a journey full of excitement and joy. Of course, there were challenges and there will be more to come, but we know for sure that we have each other to face them. The key to our togetherness was transparency and trust. We are so different than each other that we cannot live together without this trust and transparency. We are very different, even after 25 years, each one of us has parts of our lives where the other is not required, and we respect that. We know our differences and don't try to change each other. Husband and wife are not a single entity, they are two different individuals who agree and decide to live together, there is no need for one to dissolve in another to make this relationship a success. This is a simple philosophy that we follow and it has been working great so far. I hope people who want to be in a relationship realize the importance of protecting each other's individuality and personal space. If you don't respect these things about your partner, you don't respect that person, and without respect, there is no love. Marriages can survive without love, marriage is just a legal contract nothing more without love and respect. But if you want marriage to be something more than a legal contract, something more than a way to have a display for society, there needs to be mutual respect, trust, and transparency, I am glad that we managed to achieve that. Most marriages come with patriarchal conditioning where the husband has an upper hand and ours was no different. It took a lot of work from both of us to negate this burden and create our own dynamics that had no precedence in our family or culture, but I am glad that we did that and never followed the status quo. I thank Reena for accepting this challenge and making this work, I know it was not easy for her, but she not only accepted the challenge but added new dimensions to it. The journey continues and I am looking forward to our next phase with equal excitement and awe.   

Happy anniversary Reena, and thank you for allowing me to be me.

Thank you for reading and please share your story of togetherness with others, it may inspire more such stories. 

©Vinay Thakur,  Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

My marriage - A love story

Reena and I got married almost 23 years back. It was a classic arranged marriage and a non-classic love story. I call it a nonclassic love story because there was no love at first sight, there was no dating, we did not go to the same school or college, we did not even live in the same state of India. Our marriage was fixed before we even knew each other as a person. The story began when a marriage proposal was brought by an acquaintance, when my parents found that the proposal made sense to them, the information was shared with me, and when I approved, things were finalized. There was just one deviation from the standard protocol of arranged marriage, I put one condition that I wanted to meet the girl before we finalized the date. I wanted to make sure that she was OK with all this as I knew that if she was not then she wouldn't say so under the pressure of hurting her parents, whereas I had the male privilege to say no and I was willing to use that privilege if there was anything which she didn't like in this proposed relationship, and meeting her was the only way to find this. I also wanted to give her an idea about what is she signing up for. I was not a typical groom which she would have expected with a stable job and set career path. I was still doing my Ph.D. and there was no way to predict which way my career might go, I wanted her to know all these things. Our meeting went very well, mostly I talked, but I was convinced that there was no pressure on her to marry me. It might be shocking to some readers to know that in India people divide marriage between love and arranged marriage, this means that they really believe that there can be a marriage without any love between the two individuals who are getting married. Love is not a precondition for an arranged marriage in India, it's hard to believe, but that's how it is.

We got married after almost a year since we first met. During that year, we did talk with each other on the phone (those were days of long-distance STD calls from a phone booth) and exchanged a few or maybe just one letter. This didn't help much to move our relationship further in any meaningful way. There was no face-to-face interaction with each other until we saw each other on the day of our marriage. Our marriage was held in Varanasi, it was a routine affair, like any other arranged marriage with all the rituals and extravaganza. A couple of days after our marriage, Reena moved with me to Pune, my birthplace in the state of Maharashtra in India. When I met with Reena and during our phone conversations I realized that we were different from each other, we did not even speak the same language. I spoke Marathi at home and English/Marathi at my lab. I knew Hindi because of Bollywood and the basics of Bhojpuri which I picked up so that I can communicate with my grandmothers, and other relatives whenever I visited my ancestral village in Uttar Pradesh. Reena and I began our conversations in Hindi. When we started living with each other we really realized how different we were from each other. We almost had nothing in common, two lost individuals brought together by the randomness of life. 

Our journey together began in a joint family where we lived with my parents and two brothers. Reena needed to adjust to a much smaller house, a much-crowded place, and with a husband who was mostly away from home working in a lab for his Ph.D. It was not easy for both of us. For her to move hundreds of miles away from her hometown and live in a completely new place with strangers with a different culture and language. For me to deal with the pressures of Ph.D. work and the ups and downs of a graduate student's life along with dealing with this new person in my life. In the beginning, we both were confused, and not sure how this thing would work. Maybe living in a joint family helped a little bit. Slowly we started understanding each other, we recognized our differences, they were huge, but we found a way to deal with them. We decided that we were not going to try to change each other against the other's will, this helped a lot. Our differences, no matter how big, never came in between us and I think that's the biggest reason why our marriage worked. We never forced each other to follow each other's beliefs and convictions. When I moved away from religion Reena didn't make a big deal about it, she continued on with her journey following her religion and beliefs without me being an active participant with her. Her patience and determination to deal with some unpleasant situations, especially, to manage confrontations within my own family due to my confrontational behavior is very impressive. Most importantly, we both became the biggest cheerleaders for each other. It's not that we succeeded in whatever we tried, but we did not discourage each other from taking risks or following an unchartered path. The arrival of our kids added another dimension to our relationship. Reena and the kids joined me in the USA when my daughter, Sara was 4, and my son, Yash was 1. Parenting our kids in a new country and embarking on an unknown journey brought us closer than ever before. Our appreciation for each other's role, and ability to offer emotional and moral support, increased day by day since then. In the US I saw a completely new personality of Reena, more independent, more forthcoming, and much more vocal. In Pune her identity was Vinay's wife or so and so's daughter-in-law, however, in the US in most social circles I am known as Reena's husband and I am extremely proud of this identity. We genuinely have mutual admiration for each other's abilities and qualities. Also, we do not hesitate to point out where each of us needs to improve. The frankness of our relationship allows us to be open and comfortable while praising or criticizing each other. It's not that we didn't have any arguments or ups and downs in our journey, we had and still have our own share of challenges. However, none of it made us drift apart from each other, rather, every such occasion helped both of us to understand each other better and brought us closer.

Our love story is not a conventional love story where a boy meets a girl and they fall in love. We randomly met with each other via this crazy system of arranged marriage and gradually realized that even though we have very little in common we complement each other very well and love blossomed. Our ability to give each other space, our ability to understand the fact that we do not have to agree on each and every issue, and do not have to share the same political and religious beliefs to love each other has been a major reason why our love and relationship survived each and every challenge that we faced. We do make our own mistakes and learn from them, some mistakes we realized on our own, and some our kids made us realize, no matter when and how we realize our mistakes we always try to learn and correct our course. There is no blame game, we both get the credit as well as the blame. Our ability to adapt to new information and accommodate it in our lives helped us a lot. Whenever we learn something new we tell each other and talk about it. We discuss with each other a lot, sometimes we talk for hours on some subject, this helps us to understand what both of us are thinking. 

Our journey has been amazing so far, every day is exciting, our discussions are animated and rewarding, and we spend so much time together and still don't get bored of each other. We cherish each other's company and at the same time realize we need to give space to each other. Fortunately, we do not feel the need to hide anything from each other, we are not scared of each other. Neither do I have to make an excuse to go out and spend time with my friends, nor does she have to justify why she is going out alone, what else one can ask for in a marriage. My marriage is a love story that I love to tell. I hope this journey continues like this with the same excitement and foolishness.

Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic.  

Do Indians really love Cricket?

Cricket is considered the most popular sport in India. The Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) is one of the richest sports organizations in the world and cricket players command a huge fan following in India. Even the International Cricket Council (ICC) has to be very careful while dealing with matters related to India and take every precaution not to hurt BCCI, such is the power and dominance of BCCI. This is all due to the immense popularity of cricket which generates a huge revenue compared to any other cricket-playing nation in the world. Indian Premier League (IPL) is an immensely successful venture of BCCI where all international cricket stars want to play not just for money but also for the popularity and fan following they get by playing in the IPL. So, one might think that the question of whether Indians really love cricket is meaningless because whatever I wrote so far clearly indicates that Indians are crazy about cricket. In the media also there is a strong perception that Indians love cricket. I pondered over this question for quite some time and I realized that Indians ONLY love a certain type of cricket, not all types of cricket. Their love for this game is very very selective. I did not realize the selective nature of this love until I thought about this issue and I consider myself a cricket lover. 

If we look at other sport-loving countries like the USA where sports like basketball and baseball are very popular, the distinguishing feature is that they have a fan following at every level of that game. College or university teams have a huge fan following, and their games also attract a large number of fans. NFL (National Football League) is very popular but college football is also popular. But in India college or school or even state-level cricket has no fan following. People don't even know when and where their university teams play their games, when are inter-university tournaments organized, and how many times their university won any such championships. State-level games also suffer from poor attendance even when star players play for their respective states. My observation is that Indians like to watch ONLY certain types of cricket. They love watching international cricket matches in which India is involved, all ICC world cups, and T20 tournaments with international stars, rest of the cricket they just don't care. This is a very unique and interesting pattern, this can also be the reason for India's inability to produce international-level sportspersons in other sports despite having so much raw talent. A certain type of cricket gets very disproportionate attention and revenue in India, and this phenomenon has resulted in overall poor sports culture. A sports culture where apart from cricket no other sports is not considered a viable career option. Even cricket gained this status very recently after the success of IPL which opened doors for many local players and helped them to earn a decent living. As long as this selective passion for cricket continues India will struggle to produce quality sports talent in other sports due to a lack of comprehensive sports culture like countries like the USA and Australia. Fans of any sport need to support that sport at every level so that there is recognition at every level which can help to build a sustainable sports culture. Until this happens India's unique love affair with cricket will continue but it won't make India a sports-loving nation.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

If you don't love it, then please leave it

Actually, I never thought that I would ever write a blog post with a title like this. I am saying this because I am nobody to tell anyone to leave any place except my private property. No doubt that this line is a very catchy phrase and this is one of the reasons why I am using this as the title of this blog post. The intention behind using this title is not to hurt anyone's feelings, to warn anyone, or to threaten anyone, but just to express my feelings about some incidents that happened or happening around me both here in the US and in India. Especially in the US, I see some people (including many who are citizens of this country) constantly criticizing the USA, they also criticize the culture of this land and I always wonder why they have so many problems with this country and its people? I am specifically talking about the US as this is the only country apart from India, where I spent a significant part of my life. I am sure such things happen in many other places, but I can only talk about the US or India. Another reason to select the US for this topic is that it is a very immigrant-friendly country and many people come here willingly in search of better opportunities, so the situation here is totally different than the situation in India. I noticed that many people blindly criticize the culture of this land without even bothering to understand it, they just go by perceptions created by some biased reporting of media or some hearsay gossip or worse some imaginary misconceptions and base their ill-informed opinion about many things associated with this country. I can understand that people living outside the USA might have some wrong perceptions about it as they don't get the chance to interact with people here or get to experience what is it like to live life in the USA, but I am always amazed when people who get benefited by their presence in this country spew hatred about it. Here my intention is not to say that the USA is an ideal country, free from any drawbacks or problems. Like any other country of this world, it has its own strengths as well as weaknesses, it has its own social and political issues. This is not the perfect place and I don't think any such perfect place even exists anywhere in this world, but definitely this country is one of the best in the world.

I am a supporter of complete freedom of expression (except the threat of violence), so in that sense, everyone has the total right to say what they want about any person or country as long as they are not threatening to incite any violence. I also understand that criticism is necessary and should be encouraged, but there is a huge difference between criticism and hatred. I don't object to any criticism, rather I feel that it helps to improve things if taken positively, but when people spew venom blindly criticizing something without any rationale or logic I feel pity on them. Initially, I used to get angry or used to think if they are so unhappy with this place and so dislike it, then why can't they leave it, after all, the US is not forcing them to stay here. In today's world immigration is not as difficult as it was a few decades ago, one can easily get a visa or even permanent residency in many countries and emigrate there.  But many of these people stay here or even migrate here from many countries from all around the world for better living, they enjoy a far better and superior quality of life here and still hate this place, maybe this is the best explanation I can offer why I chose this title for this blog post. Today we all have many choices as far as the city we want to live in or the country we want to live in is concerned, many of us are even capable of going anywhere in the world and making a decent living. Wherever we go to make living in this world, there will be some advantages as well as some problems. We should be able to make use of those advantages for our own good and honestly try to fix whatever problems exist so that that place also benefits from our presence.

If anyone is so unhappy about any place that they can't tolerate its culture or people living there, then it is best for them as well as that place to get separated from each other. They should try to choose a different place which matches their way of thinking and whose culture they like, it is as simple as that. Criticize all you want, offer as many alternative solutions or ideas as you want, participate in any political debates and discussions, challenge whatever is wrong and try to make it right, and raise your voice against any injustice, any liberal and free society will encourage any such behavior and feedback, but please don't abuse any country while getting benefited by its kindness and resources. If you don't love it and are not interested in improving it, then leave it alone, please don't abuse it or hurt it. This is true for any relationship, including our relationship with a country or a person. 

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

This is case of child sex abuse, please don't romanticize it

A few days ago while watching a TV show 20/20 on ABC I watched an interview of Mary Kay and her child sex abuse victim (now her husband) conducted by very celebrated American broadcast journalist Barbara Walters. I didn't know about this scandal as I was not in the US when this all happened (back in 1996), but when I came to know about it during this show I felt sick and disgusted. When I saw the way this whole interview was conducted I was shocked to see that TV channels can glamorize or commercialize some disgusting incident like this just to attract viewership and earn revenues. This particular case was a clear case of child rape. When Mary Kay indulged in illegal sexual activity with her 12-year-old student, it was not out of any love or anything it was a clear case of child sexual abuse. It was not a sexual encounter between two consenting adults, but she took advantage of the ignorant mind and adolescent age of that boy and abused him sexually. She got a mild punishment for this crime (six months in jail) and even after that she got sexually involved with the same person when he was just 14. I request readers to read a very powerful account by Bobbi Parish, a child rape survivor herself about this whole scandal and this infamous interview broadcasted on ABC. She has written a very powerful article and I think it covers almost all aspects related to this issue.

Child sex abuse is a very serious problem in our society, but it is very rarely discussed because of the sensitive nature of the subject and the various social and cultural taboos associated with it. If we look at the statistics from various parts of the world it is not difficult to understand that this is a very serious and growing problem everywhere, even so-called sacred institutes like temples and churches are also not free from this problem and because of the easy accessibility of the internet and social media, this problem has become more complex. Any attempt to legitimize or romanticize this crime should be questioned and criticized in the strongest possible words. I don't know what ABC and Barbara Walters were thinking before scripting some program like this to telecast on national TV but it is clear that they got many things wrong in this case. I know that the media loves such scandals as they give them an opportunity to sensationalize the issue and attract maximum viewership, this in turn generates maximum revenues but they also need to think about the social impact of these things. Another very important question that Bobbi also raised in her article is, did they dare to make a program like this because the victim in this particular case was a male and not female? Will they dare to telecast a similar program if the victim is female? Isn't this a case of gender bias where the attitude towards looking at heinous crimes like child rape is completely different because the victim is male and not female? There are many questions like these which need answers. I am not questioning ABC's right to telecast this type of interview, they have the right to choose what type of program they want to make and when they want to telecast it. ABC has the right to decide the contents of its own channel, at the same time people have the right to question and criticize the contents of their program if they find it objectionable and derogatory.

It would have been better if ABC and Barbara could have used this unique opportunity to highlight the issue of child sex abuse and take a firm stand against perpetrators of such crimes but shockingly they chose to portray a romanticized version of this crime committed by Mary Kay. These types of programs give the impression that such things are okay if you can escape the law by using tactics like marrying the victim. When societies are trying to discuss issues like marital rape, this program gives the impression that marrying a rape victim makes the crime less culpable. Also, this program doesn't even come with a warning that it is not appropriate for kids, it may send a wrong message to impressionable kids and I don't think even Barbara Walters wants this to happen. If ABC and Barbara are serious about the issue of child sex abuse then they should telecast another program highlighting this issue and clarify their stand about this infamous Mary Kay interview. Let's see if they have the courage to correct their mistake.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Links:
1. Mary Kay LeTourneau is Not a Lover, She’s a Rapist

Kiss of love - protest against attack on individual freedom not against any culture

Recently protest movement against moral policing, "Kiss of Love" was in the news. This protest was given this name because people decided to kiss each other as a form of protest against moral policing. Interestingly, this protest started in the state of Kerala and rapidly spread to other parts of India. As expected many organizations associated with Hinduism and Islam opposed these protests calling them against Indian culture and a violation of the civic code of conduct. Moral policing is not a new phenomenon in any country, some fanatic, self-declared culture protectors try to impose moral or cultural values which they think are right. These organizations don't care whether it is legal or illegal to impose these things on other people against their will, they do it in the name of protecting ancient culture or traditions. Very often protests like Kiss of Love are blamed on the influence of Western culture, however, ironically India is the country that has produced works of Khajuraho and texts like Kamasutra. The extreme response of these organizations to these protests is not surprising to me but their violent reactions and justifications offered for such violent attacks are major concerns.

Actually, protests like Kiss of Love are not in any way an attack on any culture. These protests are not meant to insult anyone or hurt anyone but this is a way of protesting against unjust moral policing. This protest is a simple way of conveying the message that you can't force your values on others. If someone is breaking the law arrest them and punish them legally, torturing them or harassing them in public is not the solution or a way to protect any culture. Moral values differ from person to person, for some eating non-vegetarian food can be an immoral thing to do, but that doesn't mean they go and beat all people who choose to eat non-vegetarian food. They have the right to propagate the benefits of vegetarian food and the drawbacks of non-vegetarian food but they don't have any right to force their dietary choices on others. In the same way, someone might think females not wearing a burqa is an immoral thing, or drinking alcohol is a sin, or eating beef or pork is a sin, these people are entitled to have whatever beliefs they want but they have no right to force it on others. There is a machinery and system in every state and country to take care of things that are against the law and let them do their job. In a democracy, people even have the right to protest peacefully against any law if they feel it is an unjust law. Peaceful protests, debates, and discussions are signs of a healthy and inclusive society. Moral policing is not a sign of a progressive, tolerant, and open society rather it is a sign of a regressive, intolerant, and backward society. India claims itself to be a very tolerant and progressive country so people should be ashamed of such attacks on the personal liberty of people in their own country.

Indian culture or for that matter any culture is not so weak that it can be threatened by people kissing in public. It is the same culture that has produced Khajuraho temples and books like Kamasutra, so why such a violent stand against a mere protest? And if any culture has some bad elements or repressive traditions then what is wrong in changing those traditions? What is wrong in protesting against any regressive practices that are still practiced? Such protests should be welcomed rather than condemning them, and any attack on personal liberty should be opposed. I hope these types of protests are taken in the right spirit rather than considering them as an attack on any culture. Individual liberty is a very important aspect of any society. I hope individual liberty and fundamental rights are respected and protected, if not then as a society we should be ready to witness many more such protests. Let's see how many attempts are made to crush such protests and what is the ultimate result of such bold protests.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

What is this Love Jihad?

When I heard the term "Love Jihad" for the first time a few weeks back, I thought it was from some movie based on terrorism or something like that. I didn't know that this was the term coined by some members of the BJP in Uttar Pradesh. When I came to know that this is a political issue, then I got curious, and I read more about why they are using this term or what is the logic behind it. I also came to know that this was not the original creation of UP's BJP unit, but it was also used previously in other states like Kerala, Karnataka, and Gujarat. So, what does the term "love jihad" refer to? Currently, it is used to propagate that there is some group of Muslim young boys who get trained in some institutions especially to target young girls from other faiths (especially Hindu girls) and convert them to Islam by luring them into a love trap. This is the whole concept behind this love jihad political drama. Yes, it is a purely political drama, that is why it is specially used in states that are prone to communal polarization. 

Forceful conversions of people from one religion to another religion is a serious matter, and there is a law against such forceful conversions. So, forceful conversions are already illegal and there is a law to prosecute people who engage in such activities. I wonder what this love jihad stuff is going to achieve apart from religious polarization and harassing people doing inter-religious marriages. At the same time, we should also know that the Indian constitution gives every citizen the freedom to choose their own religion. Every conversion is not forceful but it is also true that forceful conversions do happen and this issue should not be taken lightly. It is really sad to see that this issue is getting heavily politicized. If any issue gets heavily politicized many other unrelated dimensions are added to it and then it becomes very difficult to find any solution to it as involved political parties don't want to settle the issue for their own political benefit.

The word 'Jihad' means struggle or resisting according to Wikipedia. It seems this word is mentioned many times in Quran but I wonder how people managed to link love with this word? No doubt that many times there is struggle or resistance involved in a process of winning someone's heart but this term is definitely not referring to that process. It seems the purpose behind the creation of this phrase was to attract media attention and target Muslim youth. Concealing one's social or religious identity to win someone's love is not a new phenomenon, there are many movies where central characters do these things and during my teenage and college years, even I have seen many people doing such things. The point I want to make is that this is not something new or something associated with only a particular religion or community. People do all kinds of silly things in love, it is even said that "everything is fair in love and war" but forcing anyone to change their religion is neither love nor jihad. 

Forceful religious conversions or cold-blooded murders of people because of inter-caste or religious marriage are very serious issues. Forcing anyone to change their religion against their will or killing anyone just because they married someone out of their community is a crime. These things should be dealt with under respective laws. Politicizing these issues to create communal tension is not going to help anyone but political parties. So let's look at the real problem and try to solve it rather than make it another unresolvable political dispute that only divides people based on religious lines.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Karva Chauth - love or discrimination wrapped in love?

Every year 'Karva Chauth' (करवा चौथ) is celebrated, mainly in the northern parts of India. I don't know when this ritual actually started, but it must be very old. I guess it must have started centuries ago when men used to depart their homes frequently for wars or travels and in those days all these things involved a great amount of risk and uncertainty this ritual must have started to wish these men good luck and safety for their endeavor. In recent times, this festival has been glamorized by many movies and TV serials as the ultimate symbol of a wife's love and dedication towards her husband, so now it has become popular in many other parts of India. I am not against any festivals or celebrations. Festive occasions are useful for getting together, relaxing, and having fun and there is nothing wrong if people want to enjoy. But if we analyze the situation carefully it's not that simple. Many people like me are blamed or criticized for bringing up the topic of gender equality almost in each and every issue we face, at least I do this because all these issues are so interrelated that I can't help it and I hope this post will explain why I am discussing this particular festival as an example (this festival is just an example, the post is not only about this particular festival), this is the case of a ritual, widely accepted, glamorized and celebrated, which looks very harmless and simple but it can have deep effect on psychology of people following it.

Now let's look at this festival of Karva Chauth. A wife fasts the whole day (in many cases without drinking even a drop of water) for the prosperity and long life of her husband, and in the evening after some rituals, they get a gift of their choice from their husbands and eat only after seeing the face of their husband. The festival is exclusively for married women whose husband is still alive. The Festival looks very benign and many people think it's full of love and devotion. Fasting is part of many festivals. Muslims also do it in the month of Ramadan. Actually, nothing wrong with fasting, wives definitely have the right to wish or pray for the happiness and long life of their husbands. The festival looks like a very harmless ritual, a beautiful way to express love and dedication by wives for their husbands. Note that in the traditional format of the festival, husbands don't fast. Perfectly fine as long as it's practiced voluntarily, without any obligation, and not forced on all married women either by social or family pressure. Does it happen like this? In most cases, the answer is 'No.' If it's about love and respect, this fast should be performed by both husband and wife as respect and love in any relationship should be mutual, but rarely this happens. I have also seen many mothers-in-law calling their daughter-in-laws a day or two days before such festivals and reminding them that they should keep some fast to make sure that their son's welfare and longevity are not jeopardized. Also, there is no festival that I know where husbands fast or pray for the well-being of their wives. The social pressure is also tremendous, believe me, the guilt some women get if they fail to do this is very strong as if they missed a crucial dose of some life-saving medication.

This post is not a criticism of all the festivals or traditions or any culture but it's about the mindset which gets perpetuated in the name of festivals and traditions. Unmarried women and widows are not allowed to participate in this festival which claims to celebrate love and dedication. As I mentioned many such festivals are supposed to be for the welfare and long life of husbands and it seems that many wives and mothers literally believe that it's necessary to do all these things to achieve this goal otherwise something bad might happen. Because of this fear, many try to fast even during sickness, poor health, pregnancy, or under circumstances when it might affect their health. Many women get praised for doing these things in adverse conditions, they get hailed for their dedication, love, and respect towards these traditions and their husbands. A question comes to my mind, are these things only about love and dedication? Or is it fear of losing that person or something bad might happen if that ritual is not followed (superstition)? I also see many women who suffer physical and mental abuse at the hands of their husbands, many who are abandoned by their husbands for other women or for whatever reason observe these types of festivals for the welfare and longevity of their husbands. Does this make any sense? Isn't it a sign of Stockholm syndrome? I am sure something else going on in these cases, why do you want to pray for the well-being of your abuser? I am sure this festival is about total surrender but I have doubt if love is part of it or not.

Every issue has positive and negative sides, there are many families where this festival must be fun and a nice way to get together, they may not see anything wrong in it (even the exclusion of widows). I am against any festival that forbids the participation of certain sections of society just because of their gender or marital status (widows), rather I believe that the practice of widows being barred from participating in many rituals or considering them as a bad omen is one of the worst forms of discrimination and it must have started from traditions and festivals like this. Imagine how they must be feeling when all these women are celebrating and they are not allowed to participate just because their husband is dead. It's a very cruel joke played on them by society. I am not saying that married women should not express their love or should not celebrate just because few widows are around, rather everyone should have the right to express their love and respect for their partner. Why not include all women and men in these types of celebrations? If necessary, change the format of the festival and make it inclusive where all (irrespective of their gender or marital status) can express love for their partner (living or dead it shouldn't matter). If it's about love and dedication then does it matter if the partner is alive or not, male or female, married or not?

Look at the festivals in the USA like Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Valentine's Day, where everyone can participate and there are no age, gender, or marital status restrictions. I know this is for marketing purposes, but at least they are open to all. Why can't we take this aspect of these festivals and include it in all festivals in India? We are copying many other unwanted things from the West so why not take some good things also. But I know that it's not easy to change these rituals and many people may not like my comments and suggestions. They will label this post as one more attempt to bring the issue of gender equality and criticize grand old traditions. I don't care about all this criticism but I feel festivals like these encourage gender discrimination and start instilling feelings of inferiority in women from a young age and we need to stop this.

 Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Links:
1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karva_Chauth
2. http://hinduism.about.com/od/festivalsholidays/p/karwachauth.htm
3. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome 
4. Karva Chauth...is it only about love? (link for more or less same article published on blog in Nov 2012)

Can man and woman be just friends?

Recently my Facebook friend Lalit Kumar wrote a very wonderful and thought-provoking post on his blog related to this subject (http://dashamlav.com/1637). I highly recommend this post for readers who can read and understand Hindi. I found this post very interesting because I also faced this dilemma or question. This subject is not something very new but the issue discussed in the post is still very relevant and affects all of us. Many people have very strong and different opinions about this question. Many feel that there is strong physical attraction between heterosexual males and females which overpowers simple friendship that's why it's not easy for them just to be friends.  Many think that except for some very close blood relationships (like brother-sister), all other relationships between man and woman are bound to face the problem or challenge of physical attraction. Many fear that no matter what, society will always look with suspicion at any man-woman relationship outside the immediate family. Many believe that it is indeed possible to have a pure and healthy friendship but it needs a lot of understanding, maturity, and commitment from both sides.

I was born and raised in a very conservative atmosphere where friendship between boy and girl (or man and woman) was not approved by our society. By today's standards, it was a very narrow-minded and restricted environment as far as male-female relationships were concerned and this was the case till I graduated from college. I could never make any female friends because of this. The unwritten rule was "stay away from girls." I always felt it was not an appropriate thing to make female friends and people in my neighborhood would laugh at me or think that I was a person of loose character if they saw me with any girl. I think all those restrictions and taboos were because of a strong belief that male-female relationships are always physical in nature. Maybe society is scared of the physical aspect of male-female relationships because it is related to the creation of new life. That is why many times it seems that the whole burden of morality or character of society rests on male-female relationships. This belief was so strong and dominant that it took me a lot of time to shake it off and I am sure many people living in India and many other countries must have felt the same. Not only families, but society including many movies, and books, propagated this perception. There were very few and rare examples of male-female friendship around me at that time and this whole thing contributed to my perception that they can not be just friends. Either they have to be related or are lovers there can not be anything else.

But then as I grew up I started reading many books, met many new people from different cultures and backgrounds, and slowly got to know about the world beyond my family and neighborhood. I met with some very good friends who showed me the other side of life where there was a possibility that a boy and a girl could just be friends, very good friends. It took me some time to understand this beautiful fact but finally, I am very glad that I could get over my inhibitions. There are many who can not get over these inhibitions and still think that pure friendship is not possible between a male and a female. This not only creates a lot of problems for them but also creates a lot of trouble for people around them. The real problem with this mindset is not only the person who thinks like this can not form friendships with the opposite sex but he/she also looks with suspicion towards all people around him/her who have such relationships and this pollutes the environment for everybody to some extent. It's good to get rid of this inhibition to experience the beautiful world around us. Friends and friendships are very important parts of everyone's life. Friends are friends it doesn't matter what's their gender, race, caste or sexual orientation.

(Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing)

Karva Chauth - is it only about love?

Every year 'Karva Chauth' (करवा चौथ) is celebrated, mainly in the northern parts of India. I don't know when this ritual started, but it must be very old. My guess is it must have started centuries ago when the situation in the Indian subcontinent was very unstable and there used to be frequent wars. Men used to take part in many of these wars or travels (for business) and in those days all these things involved a great amount of risk and uncertainty. So this ritual must have started to wish men good luck for their future journey and for their safety. This festival has been glamorized by many movies and TV serials. Now it has become popular in many other parts of India too. I am not against any festivals or celebrations, they are a nice and very good way to get together, relax and have fun and there is nothing wrong if people want to have fun and enjoy. But if we look carefully, it's not that simple and I am not doing this as an intellectual who is trying to bring the issue of gender equality everywhere. Many people like me are blamed or criticized for bringing up the topic of gender equality or superstition almost in every issue we face. We do this because all these issues are so interrelated. I hope this post will explain why I am discussing this particular festival as an example. A ritual that looks very harmless and simple can have a deep effect on the psychology of people.

Now let's look at this festival of Karva Chauth, where the wife fasts the whole day (in many cases without drinking even a drop of water) for the prosperity and long life of her husband. In the evening after some rituals, they get gifts of their choice from their husbands and eat only after seeing the faces of their husbands. This festival is exclusively for married women whose husband is still alive. The festival looks very benign and many people think it's full of love and devotion. So, what's wrong with fasting like this? Fasting is part of many festivals. Muslims also do it in the month of Ramadan. Actually nothing wrong with fasting. A wife definitely has the right to wish for happiness and a long life for their partner. The festival looks like a very harmless ritual, a beautiful way to express love and dedication by wives for their husbands (but notice that in the traditional format of the festival, husbands don't fast, this is a noticeable difference). Perfectly fine as long as it's voluntary, without any obligation, but does it happen like this? In most cases, the answer is 'No'. According to me fast should be performed by both because I believe respect and love in any relationship should be mutual, but this is the case. I have also seen mother-in-laws calling their daughter-in-laws day or two days before such festivals and reminding them that they should keep that fast to make sure that their son's welfare and longevity are not jeopardized. Note that there is no festival that I know where husbands fast for the well-being of their wives.  The guilt if wives don't do this is very strong. As if they missed giving a crucial dose of some life-saving medication or something to their husbands.

This post is not a criticism of the festival, traditions, or culture but it's about the mindset which gets perpetuated in the name of festivals, traditions, etc. Unmarried women and widows are not allowed to participate in such festivals. I wonder how widows in the family must be feeling about such festivals. As I mentioned this festival is supposed to be for the welfare and long life of husbands and it seems that many wives and mothers believe that it's necessary to do this fast to achieve this goal otherwise something bad might happen. Because of this fear many try to follow this ritual even during sickness, poor health, or during pregnancy even when it might affect their health. Women get praised for doing this in adverse conditions for their dedication, love, and respect towards their husbands. So the question comes to my mind, is it love and dedication or is it fear of losing that person or something bad might happen if that ritual is not followed? Love or superstition? Many women suffer physical and mental abuse, and many are abandoned by their husbands for other women or for whatever reason also observe these types of festivals for the welfare and longevity of their husbands. Does this make any sense? This reminds me of Stockholm syndrome, I am sure something like that is going on here. This festival is about total surrender but I doubt whether love is part of it.

I know that every issue has positive and negative sides. There might be many families where this festival must be fun and a nice way to get together, and they may not see anything wrong in it, even if it excludes widows. I am against any festival that forbids the participation of certain sections of society just because of their gender or marital status (widows). I believe that the concept of widows being barred from participating in many rituals or considering them as bad omen must have started from traditions and festivals like this. Imagine how they must be feeling when all these women are celebrating and they are not allowed to participate just because their husband is dead. Another ritual to remind them how unfortunate they are, it's a cruel joke on them. I am not saying that married women should not express their love or should not celebrate just because widows are around. That's not what I mean, everyone has the right to express their love and respect for their partner but why not include all women and men in these types of celebrations. If necessary change the format of the festival, and make it inclusive where all (irrespective of gender or marital status) can express love for their partner or friend, living or dead shouldn't matter. If it's about love, dedication, etc. then does it matter if that partner is alive or not, male or female?

Many people who know me also know that I am not a very big festival fan. When I participate in any family function I want to have fun. For me, the fun is when everyone can participate in it. Just for comparison when I see festivals like Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Valentine's Day, where everyone can participate there are no age limit, gender, or marital status restrictions (maybe for marketing purposes, but they are open to all), why can't we take this very good thing and include in our festivals. Anyway, we are copying many other unwanted things from the West that we don't need in India so why not take some good things also. But I know that it's not easy to change these rituals and many people may not like my comments and suggestions. They may think of this post as one more attempt to bring the issue of gender equality and criticize grand old traditions. I am fine with all this criticism but I feel to express my opinion about this even if many don't care about this issue.

 Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Links:
1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karva_Chauth
2. http://hinduism.about.com/od/festivalsholidays/p/karwachauth.htm
3. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome

Is Love Toward God a One-Way Process?

This post might only make sense to people who believe in the existence of a super supernatural entity, God; people who don't believe in it, who are self-realized and happy in their own way...:) may not find anything useful in it unless they just want to kill time...:)

I think people's love towards God is a one-way process as they don't see the real God or even don't know for sure whether it exists or not. But if it exists, then it's believed that God loves everyone; it can not single out any particular person and love him/her selectively. People offer their prayers, love, and dedication (bhakti) to God, and naturally, it’s up to him/her to accept it or not; offering is in their hands, and then they don’t have control over it. Everyone thinks and believes that God loves him or her, and it's a beautiful feeling, and they should feel that way, but feeling that God should favor me over others is a little selfish. 

Love of God is available for anyone who seeks; it's a pure psychological thing. Whenever it's cold weather (winter), or it rains, whoever is outside in that weather he/she feels it, but we don’t think that winter or rain is particularly there for us. Whoever wants to experience it can come out and experience it. I think true love for God is like that; it’s available for everyone, and whoever seeks it will get it for sure. It’s a one-way process, and still it feels beautiful if you don’t expect anything in return, then it becomes a blissful experience in spite of being a way process. We should offer our love and devotion selflessly to God, but that doesn’t mean that we believe blindly whatever is written in so-called holy books or scriptures; we need to think rationally, accept the truth, and reject the rest. God or that power (nature or whatever name you like to give it) does not reside in any book or scripture; it’s inside us, all these books are just for a guiding purpose. These books are written by individuals who wanted to share their philosophy and methods with the world. One can find their own path without using any book, and they will also get the same love of God. As I said, God loves everyone, so we cannot say that his love is more for a particular group of people and less for others. How you fare in your life has nothing to do with your devotion or love for god; your professional success and other things are in your hands to a large extent.

We can offer our unconditional love to God and this world, it's pure selfless offering, God doesn’t need anything, so I don’t understand why people try to offer so many things to God, money, food, land, etc., etc., why? What God will do with these things, and first of all, we are temporary owners of these material things, are we trying to bribe him/her? Or trying to strike some deal by offering such gifts? What’s the purpose of it, and normally these gifts are proportional to the amount of money a particular person or family makes (sort of commission), so does that mean rich people love god more compared to poor people?. The land or money or anything which we are offering will be somebody else’s tomorrow, food if you offer will rot if nobody eats it (God won’t eat it for sure), so what’s the use of such offerings? All we own is our consciousness and our selfless devotion, and if we can offer it, that will be a real gift for God, and he/she will be happy to receive it because then you are offering something which is really yours. This power of devotion and offering is given equally to everybody, rich, poor, small, big; everyone has it, we just have to realize it.

If at all we want to offer anything to God, we should offer our love and devotion to him/her. By doing good deeds, we offer our services to God. Our consciousness is our guide in our journey. All humans are equal and have equal opportunity to love God, so there should be neither any hatred among people nor any discrimination (based on race, religion, economy, education, or anything); that’s true service to God. God is nothing but true, selfless love, pure consciousness, and everyone has the capacity to get that love and offer it.

Thanks for reading, and please share your comments.

(Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing)

Science and Religion

Do science and religion go together?

For me, the answer is ‘Yes, very much’ rather than they are made for or made from each other. There was no difference between science and religion when humanity started; they were one and the same. According to me, the Vedas are the first and oldest scientific journals or scientific societies formed. They used to get updated and debated, and people from all sections of society used to contribute their ideas and views during those debates and discussions.  Humans needed this process of generation of knowledge to explain and understand many things around us, which used to confuse people in those times, and science does the same thing today. But somehow this was discontinued at some stage for some reason.

Every society or culture, from time to time, benefits from the presence of very intelligent personalities who become sources of fresh, new ideas and knowledge. Their message acts like fresh air and inspires many people who then become their followers. Some of the groups of these followers decided to make their own exclusive societies (which in many cases get converted into new religions) to preach the teachings of their teacher (or guru or messenger), and they converted those teachings into a set of rigid rules, a complicated structure of dos and don’ts. I don’t think the original person delivering this knowledge even desired to have something like this (the religions that we have today). When we declare particular knowledge sacred and the ultimate truth, then there is no scope for debate. This made science and religion part their ways, and they became separate fields. Science is all-inclusive in its approach; nothing is sacred or holy there, it can’t be rigid or static, everything can be challenged, it encourages asking questions, performing new experiments, and new theories, and keeps on adding new knowledge. 

Knowledge is a continuous process, and it changes over time as new discoveries are made and it gets updated regularly. Science corrects itself; something which seems to be true today may not be true tomorrow as new technologies come and new theories also come. There is nothing wrong or insulting to prove old theories wrong or find some error in them and correct them. Those scientists who discovered old theories are still considered great scientists with phenomenal minds as they could achieve that feat with such limited technology and resources available at that time. Scientists have disagreements all the time, but scientists don't kill each other over scientific disagreements. However, the same cannot be said about religion; history shows us numerous occasions where people kill each other because of religious differences, even though all religions claim to teach love and peace. 

Followers of all religions closed doors for any new knowledge, believing that all knowledge has already been delivered and that everything to be said is already said. Eventually, they started finding it difficult to accept or cope with the new knowledge that was pouring in. Knowledge is a continuous process it won’t stop as long as the human race or living beings exist on this planet. We will keep on learning new things every day. Religion became a separate, sacred entity that then became stationary as nothing was allowed to change (even the wrong assumptions or concepts), and nothing was allowed to be added (not even clearly proven facts). At this point, science and religion started confronting each other more often. Nowadays, science is used to criticize religion and vice versa. Even after not adopting any scientific aptitude, different religious groups try to claim that their religious texts include many scientific facts, but there is no close relationship between these two fields. 

We need to understand that for the welfare of human beings, science and religion may have to go together; then only both can perform their duties; otherwise, this unnecessary confrontation will continue. We should be ready to correct many rules or concepts that are outdated in many religions, accept new ideas, and move forward. This approach won’t hurt any religion or reduce its dignity. Whenever people understand this, this whole debate of science vs religion will become meaningless. 

Thanks for reading, and please share your views on this topic.

(Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing) 

Why to write and how this blog started?

Everyone in this world has something to say. Everybody’s story is unique and interesting. I used to think that a lot has been already said or written about this and related subjects. So, who would listen to me if I wanted to tell my views? I believe that everyone is unique in this world and should share his/her ideas, experiences, and views and that’s how the world will progress. We need to be open to new views and ideas even if sometimes they sound strange. I saw many people don’t even think about these issues or follow whatever is told to them blindly. Even after progressing so much in technological areas and in science we still have a very primitive understanding of religion and its role in today’s world. We need more and more people to express their views so that we can have healthy debates on ideas and opinions. People will understand that basically, all religions teach the same thing, and if the central idea or ultimate teaching is the same then what’s there to fight about? All religious books even though they are great guiding texts have limited significance in today’s world. I am not saying to dump them but use them as reference books, not as commandments. We are a much better civilized society today than thousands of years ago when these books were written; we need to become more tolerant towards each other. Basically we humans generally express only two emotions love and fear; all our actions can be summarized under these two emotions. We need to bring more love into our lives so that it can drive fear away from our lives, it’s not that difficult task and the good thing about it is that it’s in our hands. So let’s share our views, experiences, and opinions and we all can learn something from each other.

(Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing)