How to become a perfect parent?

I am sure you found the title of this post interesting, and the title might be the only reason you are reading this. I am a parent of two kids who are now in their twenties. I can tell you from experience that parenting is a tough job. No parent knows that frustration and failures would be an integral part of this job before becoming a parent. They struggle, find it hard to deal with their kids, and try to seek advice from various places thinking that others must have figured this out. Many parents of young kids come to me and my wife for parenting advice and they think we must have figured this thing out. Let me clear one misunderstanding first, there is nothing like a perfect parent, they don't exist. Every parent makes mistakes and they struggle a lot. As a parent, we lose our patience, yell at our kids, get frustrated, say things we don't really mean, and regret later on, get too busy, and miss some school functions or meetings, the list can go on but I think you get my point. So, even though there is nothing like a perfect parent, each parent can improve based on their interactions with their kids and can try to be a better parent. As there is no perfect parent, there is also no perfect kid. Both, parents and kids, are learning from each other. This is the key to parenting, learning from each of our mistakes, and learning from our kids. Our kids tell us something valuable during each argument, each unpleasant or pleasant interaction, and don't miss that lesson.

Restarting the conversation is one essential technique every parent must know. Especially, after having a heated argument it is not easy to restart the conversation on a positive or normal note. A very common mistake parents make is to restart in a condescending manner. They want to tell their child how fortunate the kids are compared to them to have all the privileges and freedom. Once you start on the wrong foot, it really doesn't matter what you say afterward, your child is not going to tune in to that conversation and your good intentions really don't matter at this point. In most cases, the next generation has more privileges and freedoms compared to the previous generation. So, our kids having the same is not a big deal, it's not their fault, and as a parent, we should not use this against them, especially, when they are most vulnerable. A parent must restart the conversation on a positive note treating their child as an equal, condescending tone is not going to help at all. Also remember that as a parent we always have an upper hand as kids depend on us, we should not use this advantage as an opportunity to preach on every occasion. Of course, they will listen, not because they want to, but because they have to. This is the one thing that has helped me the most, after every argument, I always go back and talk to my kids. I don't wait for them to come to me, I go to them. I want to understand their side, if they are not willing to talk at that moment, I come back later, but I never avoid an opportunity to listen to them. My doors are open whenever they are ready. Restarting while addressing unresolved issues is not easy that's why most parents avoid it, they pretend nothing happened. As a parent we try our best, we put our child's interests before us, at least that's what we feel we are doing, therefore, it is not easy to apologize to our child or to digest when our child calls us the worst parent of the world or says some other nasty thing. It is easy not to talk about such incidents or act as if nothing happened, but this doesn't help much. As parents, we need to acknowledge our mistakes explain our side to our children, and also try to understand their side and acknowledge their difficulties and struggles. Believe me, kids don't have an easy life, their struggles are as difficult as ours and are more complicated. As a parent, we should not be adding to their difficulties but try to help them to navigate through their difficulties. 

Another common mistake most parents make is that based on their own life experiences they think they know better than their kids. This may be true in certain situations but in most cases, our experience is useless for our kids. The generation gap is a real thing, and every parent needs to be aware of that gap. Our experiences belong to a certain time and era, and the lessons might be relevant, but our kids face completely different situations and challenges, and parents must try to understand these situations before going into their preaching mode. Don't be under foolish arrogance that just because you are older you are wiser than your kids, this is not going to help you in building a strong bond with your child. Your child will think that you are a jerk. So, be mindful when you undermine your child's views just because according to you they are young and immature. 

Parenting is tough but so is growing up. When we struggle as a parent to keep up with our children, our children also struggle to keep up with us. Parents should not undermine the struggles of their children just because they are finding it hard to juggle their own responsibilities. As a parent, if you need help, your kids can be a good source for that help, provided you sincerely seek that help. The parent's job is not only to love their child but also to trust them and give them freedom of choice. Give your kids a chance to help you and believe me you won't be disappointed. We can't become perfect parents, but we definitely can become better parents compared to yesterday. To become a better parent we need honest and unfiltered feedback and there is no better person than our child to get this feedback. Remember, every child acknowledges their parent's contributions at some point, they may even call us the best parents in the world, we better earn that praise rather than our child saying it just because everyone says it. Happy parenting.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com