Parents are always under training

Parenting is a tough job. If it's not the toughest, it should be ranked among one of the toughest jobs in the world. It is tough not just because of the onerous requirements of time commitment or physical effort, but also because of the other complexities involved with parenting. Even though there are various manuals and books on parenting, most of them are pretty useless except for the initial months when you only need to feed and clean your baby. Once a child develops its own personality, there cannot be any pre-written manual for that child as that child never ever existed before and every human is unique in the way they think and behave unless they are forced to think and behave only in a certain way, for example, if they are brainwashed or emotionally abused. Parenting is also tough because of the uncertainties involved in it. As I said, as every child is unique there is no way to assume that what worked for one child will work for sure for another child also. I am writing all this with the assumption that parents want their children to develop their own unique identity and personality and don't expect their children to follow some standardized behavioral pattern like a robot. 

I understand that nowadays many parents rely on experts and self-help books to help them with parenting. However, the problem of following any manual for child upbringing is that we unintentionally force them to fit into a mold. No matter how well-intentioned, when parents try to mold their child into a person that they believe to be an ideal person, they are basically trying to replicate that ideal person, this experiment is risky and most probably a sure failure. The child may not only not want to be like that ideal person but also may lose his/her ability to figure out his/her own identity. This is where most parenting mistakes happen, when parents try to charter a safe path for their child, thinking that they are doing this for the good of their child without giving that child a chance to decide. This is one of the reasons no matter how careful we are, all parents make mistakes, many mistakes. This is why I say that parents are and must be always under training. Parents need to continuously learn from their children and adapt accordingly. The biggest mistake parents make is that they always think that their job is only to teach their children and not to learn anything from them. As I said, every child is supposed to be unique, so the parents need to observe, learn, and then develop a unique way to raise each child. Children give many hints expressly or indirectly and as a parent it is our job to try to catch most of them. No doubt, we are going to miss some of them, but the aim should be to catch more hints and miss only a few. The general assumption that kids don't understand anything and are too immature to decide for themselves allows parents to dismiss most complaints and suggestions from their kids on important matters related to that kid. There is no harm in listening to your kid patiently, considering what's their point, and giving serious thought about what they say rather than reacting based on a pure parental impulse. As our children grow we also need to grow as parents. Parents not only need to be aware of their children's material needs but also of their physical and emotional needs. Some conversations might be awkward or difficult depending on the society and culture from where parents come, but the research shows that these conversations are necessary and parents should not shy away from them. Remember, if we don't talk with our kids about these things, someone else will, they will get this information from some source and that source could be unreliable or misleading, so, it is better that we become that source and provide them with reliable and authentic information. Children not only need someone who can feed and protect them, but they also need someone who can understand them and allow them to be themselves, and there is no one better than parents who can do this job best, please don't miss this opportunity. Yes, often it will be frustrating and annoying, but remember you are under training and your kids are also learning as much as you are. Please learn from your child, I learned a lot from my children and it only helped me to become a better parent.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com 

Don't overuse of guilt in parenting

"This is what I get for all my hard work and sacrifices." "you are lucky to have food on your plate, many kids are sleeping hungry as we talk now." "You should be grateful that you don't have to walk barefoot like me to school, you at least have shoes, stop whining about that branded shoe." "I am working my ass off so that you can go to college and all you do is stay on your phone and party." We have heard someone saying some of these things or said some of these things ourselves to our children. Language and the wording may differ, but the gist remains the same, parents want their kids to realize how lucky their kids are compared to many other kids. Almost every parent gets frustrated at some point and uses such language in an attempt to make aware their kids of their privileges. 

Parenting can be frustrating and inducing a feeling of guilt often finds its way into parenting. Parents want their kids to be aware of how much hard work they are putting in as a parent. Parents want their kids to see what's at stake, and consciously and unconsciously they induce the feeling in their kids that kids are not doing enough. The intention of parents is to motivate their kids to work harder and be more focused. Parents feel this will help kids to become successful and avoid failures. However, this method backfires most of the time. Apart from guilt, kids start feeling shame and feel that their parent's love is conditional on them being successful. It is a not good feeling for any kid to know that their parents love them more when they are successful. Even though this is not what most parents intend, this is what their behavior conveys to their kids. And once our behavior speaks for itself, it really doesn't matter what our intent is or what we said if these things don't match with our behavior.

Even though it is important to make our kids aware of the various privileges they have so that they value them and act with compassion toward others who don't have the same privileges. It is not productive to make them feel inferior by inducing a feeling of guilt by their own parents. There is a difference between encouragement and bully parenting. Parents do have expectations from their kids. Many parents see their kids as a way to fulfill their own unfulfilled dreams. Many try to push their kids on career paths that they feel are safe and rewarding without checking what their kids may want to do. Most of the time this so-called guidance starts so early in life that many kids don't even develop any ability to think about what they want. The result is that many parents express their frustration to their kids from time to time for not fulfilling their expectations. Parent's concerns towards their kids are valid and well-intended. However, trying to guilt them is not the way to develop a healthy relationship with them. It is important to make kids realize their privileges, and it is important to provide them relevant information to make informed decisions. However, this does not mean making decisions for them, choosing careers for them, or spoon-feeding them so much that they can't think independently. And being a parent does not definitely mean creating a photocopy of ourselves. Our kids are independent entities, they need to have their own dreams and values, and as parents, we should be prepared to accept their independence and freedom to choose. 

Please don't overuse guilt. It is not the fault of your kids that they are more privileged than you. It is necessary to make them aware of their privileges but don't make them feel ashamed about it. It is okay to talk about your onw struggles as a child but harping about it every time doesn't help at all. Trust your child's judgment, they are not as naive as you think. It is not enough as a parent just to love your kids but it is also important accept them for who they are and what they want to be. And finally, don't make your love appear conditional on them being successful. The truth is that it is hard to find unconditional love, even parents' love is conditional, but at least don't make it so obvious. Happy parenting.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

How to become a perfect parent?

I am sure you found the title of this post interesting, and the title might be the only reason you are reading this. I am a parent of two kids who are now in their twenties. I can tell you from experience that parenting is a tough job. No parent knows that frustration and failures would be an integral part of this job before becoming a parent. They struggle, find it hard to deal with their kids, and try to seek advice from various places thinking that others must have figured this out. Many parents of young kids come to me and my wife for parenting advice and they think we must have figured this thing out. Let me clear one misunderstanding first, there is nothing like a perfect parent, they don't exist. Every parent makes mistakes and they struggle a lot. As a parent, we lose our patience, yell at our kids, get frustrated, say things we don't really mean, and regret later on, get too busy, and miss some school functions or meetings, the list can go on but I think you get my point. So, even though there is nothing like a perfect parent, each parent can improve based on their interactions with their kids and can try to be a better parent. As there is no perfect parent, there is also no perfect kid. Both, parents and kids, are learning from each other. This is the key to parenting, learning from each of our mistakes, and learning from our kids. Our kids tell us something valuable during each argument, each unpleasant or pleasant interaction, and don't miss that lesson.

Restarting the conversation is one essential technique every parent must know. Especially, after having a heated argument it is not easy to restart the conversation on a positive or normal note. A very common mistake parents make is to restart in a condescending manner. They want to tell their child how fortunate the kids are compared to them to have all the privileges and freedom. Once you start on the wrong foot, it really doesn't matter what you say afterward, your child is not going to tune in to that conversation and your good intentions really don't matter at this point. In most cases, the next generation has more privileges and freedoms compared to the previous generation. So, our kids having the same is not a big deal, it's not their fault, and as a parent, we should not use this against them, especially, when they are most vulnerable. A parent must restart the conversation on a positive note treating their child as an equal, condescending tone is not going to help at all. Also remember that as a parent we always have an upper hand as kids depend on us, we should not use this advantage as an opportunity to preach on every occasion. Of course, they will listen, not because they want to, but because they have to. This is the one thing that has helped me the most, after every argument, I always go back and talk to my kids. I don't wait for them to come to me, I go to them. I want to understand their side, if they are not willing to talk at that moment, I come back later, but I never avoid an opportunity to listen to them. My doors are open whenever they are ready. Restarting while addressing unresolved issues is not easy that's why most parents avoid it, they pretend nothing happened. As a parent we try our best, we put our child's interests before us, at least that's what we feel we are doing, therefore, it is not easy to apologize to our child or to digest when our child calls us the worst parent of the world or says some other nasty thing. It is easy not to talk about such incidents or act as if nothing happened, but this doesn't help much. As parents, we need to acknowledge our mistakes explain our side to our children, and also try to understand their side and acknowledge their difficulties and struggles. Believe me, kids don't have an easy life, their struggles are as difficult as ours and are more complicated. As a parent, we should not be adding to their difficulties but try to help them to navigate through their difficulties. 

Another common mistake most parents make is that based on their own life experiences they think they know better than their kids. This may be true in certain situations but in most cases, our experience is useless for our kids. The generation gap is a real thing, and every parent needs to be aware of that gap. Our experiences belong to a certain time and era, and the lessons might be relevant, but our kids face completely different situations and challenges, and parents must try to understand these situations before going into their preaching mode. Don't be under foolish arrogance that just because you are older you are wiser than your kids, this is not going to help you in building a strong bond with your child. Your child will think that you are a jerk. So, be mindful when you undermine your child's views just because according to you they are young and immature. 

Parenting is tough but so is growing up. When we struggle as a parent to keep up with our children, our children also struggle to keep up with us. Parents should not undermine the struggles of their children just because they are finding it hard to juggle their own responsibilities. As a parent, if you need help, your kids can be a good source for that help, provided you sincerely seek that help. The parent's job is not only to love their child but also to trust them and give them freedom of choice. Give your kids a chance to help you and believe me you won't be disappointed. We can't become perfect parents, but we definitely can become better parents compared to yesterday. To become a better parent we need honest and unfiltered feedback and there is no better person than our child to get this feedback. Remember, every child acknowledges their parent's contributions at some point, they may even call us the best parents in the world, we better earn that praise rather than our child saying it just because everyone says it. Happy parenting.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

Gender equality and parenting

Parenting is a tough job. Ask any parent living in a nuclear family, and they will attest to how demanding this job is. Not only it's a 24/7 responsibility, but it is also a job where you yourself may become the biggest critic of your own performance. The job has become more challenging as families have become nuclear. In joint families, due to the presence of extra human power, there was more help and advice available for parents. It not only made their job physically less demanding but also reduced anxiety related to making mistakes as there used to be an ample dose of unsolicited parental advice. However, this is not to comment that joint families are any better than nuclear families or vice versa. Whether people want to live with their parents or siblings is entirely a personal choice, there are pros and cons for both arrangements, but the reality is that the world is moving towards a nuclear family structure. 

Another important aspect of today's parenting is increased gender equality compared to the parenting methods of the past. Even though it is true that our society is still heavily influenced by patriarchy, we have made tremendous progress toward gender equality, and today's parents practice a much more gender-neutral parenting approach compared to the parents of my generation. This has added challenges for parents like me who have to play a balancing act of challenging our own parent's values and beliefs while defending our gender-balanced approach to parenting. Let me accept that gender-equal parenting is not easy, especially when you come from a heavily gender-biased and patriarchal culture. People around you not only question your methods but also question your intelligence and sanity. It would have been fine if the questioning stopped at you, but it doesn't. These people question your kids, comment on their behavior, and taunt them for living a life with a different set of values than what the gender-biased society commands. In the beginning, this is worrisome and it puts a lot of pressure on parents. They question their own judgments. It is easier to subscribe to traditions and cultures than to question them, that's why most don't try to question them. Parents who dare to take a different path face a lot of uncertainty as there is no example within their own family or community that can assure them that their approach will work. Such parents often ask themselves, whether it is worth putting their kids through this and expect that the kids will be able to defend their values and remain committed to gender equality or cave into the pressures of patriarchy and family pressure. 

Despite all these anxieties and challenges, I feel gender-balanced or gender-neutral parenting is worth a shot. I don't regret it. Yes, the challenges are there, but the satisfaction that you did not become a hurdle in the life of your own child because of their gender trumps all challenges and uncertainties. Also, in this process, your own children teach you a lot about subtle gender discrimination that still remains within us. It is not always a pleasant experience to get exposed to our own biases and prejudices, especially, when we try hard to eliminate them, but it is necessary if you want to improve as a human being. If you are thinking about challenging gender stereotypes within your own family, culture, or society, please go for it, you may face many hurdles, but you won't regret your efforts.      

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

©Vinay Thakur,  Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com  

Passing on generational trauma - common pitfall of parenting

Parenting is a tough job. It is a physically and mentally demanding and challenging task, you need to be on this job 24/7 and 365 days a year, without any leave, there is no place to complain and you cannot quit the job. It is challenging irrespective of one or both parents working, surely, both parents working makes it more complicated and adds additional dimensions to it, but this does not mean work-at-home moms have an easier task at their hands. This is why childcare is so vital for parents in nuclear families. It is impossible for parents to provide the required support to their kids of all ages and perform other non-parental duties expected from them without having reliable and affordable childcare. However, this post is not about general parenting challenges or affordable childcare, this is about one of the most common pitfalls in parenting, parents passing on their generational trauma to their kids. 

Most parents based on their upbringing and childhood experiences have certain insecurities, prejudices, and generational trauma. I and my wife are not an exception to this. Also, as an immigrant to another country or as a migrant to a different place in the same country, some of our insecurities get stronger or we add some more to our list. Knowingly or unknowingly parents try to instill these insecurities and concerns in their kids. We pass on to our kids our fears about job loss, job insecurity, ignorance about non-traditional career paths, lack of education, insecurities related to inter-caste or inter-racial marriage, prejudices related to gender and sexuality, concerns about poverty and abuse, and ignorance about various other issues. A single phrase "generational trauma"  is used here to include all these parental insecurities, prejudices, and ignorance. The problem is that the parents pass on this general trauma with all good intentions, thinking that they are helping their child, thinking that they are protecting their child from obvious dangers that the poor child is unaware of. No matter how good the intention is, the fact remains that we are putting our own biases and fears into our children's minds. 

Generational trauma can be in many forms, scaring our children that their poor academic performance will lead them to beg on the streets is one form, reminding our children continuously about how lucky they are compared to the parent's childhood is another form, criticizing children's choices based on our own fears and ignorance is yet another form, passing on our own bigotry beliefs is also a very common form, and this list can go on but I think you get my point. I am sure every parent will come up with some very good reason why they are persuading their child to follow a particular career path even if their child is interested in something else. No matter how good is our reasoning, the fact is that by doing this we are telling your kids their choices don't matter and undermine their decision-making ability about their own lives. As parents, we do these things instinctively without realizing the consequences of our well-intentioned encroachment on our kids' lives. However, this is avoidable. As a parent, whenever we feel a strong urge to fix our kids' lives, we need to pause and ask an honest question, are we passing our own generational trauma to our child? Remember that the world in which we grew up is not the same, even ten years back the way people interacted with each other was different compared to how we interact today. Are our fears and concerns that originate from our experiences in a world that doesn't exist anymore rational? If not, is it right to indoctrinate our kids with these things? If parents take this simple step and do some introspection, I believe we can stop the continuation of this generational trauma. Remember, as parents, we cannot stop every trauma that our children may experience, but we can definitely minimize our own contribution to their trauma. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

©Vinay Thakur,  Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com  

Fear of being judged

Fear of being judged is a real fear among individuals. We fear being judged based on various parameters, some examples are being judged based on our gender, age, religion, nationality, education, job, sexual orientation, political views, marital or familial status. Getting judged based on our parenting or the way our kids perform is one of them. 

A survey of parents revealed that about 90% of mothers and 85% of fathers feel judged, and almost half of them feel judged all the time by people they know and even by complete strangers. This fear makes them try various things so that they can overcome feelings of their own insecurities and avoid being labeled as irresponsible parenting. Tiger parenting, free-range parenting, liberal parenting, conservative parenting, and whatnot, parents look in every direction and source to find some tips to raise successful kids. They all intend that their kids will become successful and be happy. However, in this process, parents don't realize that they are engineering the life of their child as per their own wishes and inclinations, they are shaping their child's thinking, even dictating choices based on their own prejudices, and for a considerable time, that child has no say in his or her own life. Parenting is complex, and these aspects make it more complex and confusing, this is one of the reasons why most parents choose the prescribed or most popular format, at least that format guarantees a certain outcome in most cases, a so-called successful child, who is going to have standard education and a well-paying job. 

So, how to deal with the fear of being judged? Well, you can't stop people from judging you, but you can stop your actions from being influenced by the fear of that judgment. It's not easy and in practice, no one accepts that their actions are influenced by what others will say, but in reality, they are. When in any society most people follow a certain pattern, it establishes certain norms. One can sense that these norms are based on the way certain behavior, let's call it a confirmative behavior, is rewarded and praised, and other behaviors not fitting in the set pattern, a non-confirmative behavior, is criticized or called a risky behavior. It is really up to individual parents how they want to parent their children. Every child is different, even between two siblings one cannot expect the same behavior even after being raised in the same household with the same parents, it is that uncertain, but as parents, we want to bring certainty as it comforts us. However, parents' desire to play safe, or have a certain outcome has resulted in homes becoming factories for raising standardized kids, who conform to their parent's desires and choices. Legally child labor is banned, but now school work and extracurricular activities have become a legal form of child labor, kids are forced to do these things to an extent their parents want them to do, it really doesn't matter whether the kids want or not. Therefore, it's really up to parents to notice what they are doing as kids have very little say in all this, there are risks associated with every parenting style as nothing guarantees the desired outcome, but at least parents can choose not to be a dictator but be a facilitator. Let's be a facilitator as much as we can because no matter how good, dictatorship is after all a dictatorship with no freedom for a non-dictating party and our kids do deserve the freedom to be themselves, not our own shadows or not what we can't become but wanted to become.

Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic. 

My parent's and I

Our parents (or guardians or caretakers if not biological parents) are the first individuals who cast some influence on our lives. Our first social and intellectual interaction starts with them. They teach us how to walk, talk, eat, and many other relevant physical and social skills. Parents normally have a significant influence on their child's life and they can shape the thinking of the child. I think this is the reason why we see the continuation of the same religious and political beliefs running through generations in the same family. Like everyone's parents, my parents are special to me and their influence on my life is significant. First of all, I am thankful to them for bringing me into this world. I know that my birth was not any divine incident. It was just a biological phenomenon like every other birth of that time, born out of physical attraction between a male and a female, one similar interaction resulted in my birth.  

My parents migrated from Uttar Pradesh to Maharashtra a few years before my birth. My father came to Pune (a city in the state of Maharastra) to work in a factory. It was a new place, a new culture, and a completely new language. It was especially difficult for my mom to adjust to these new surroundings as she came from a very protected environment to this new world where she had to take care of her family, learn a new language, and adjust to totally unfamiliar surroundings. There was a social and economic struggle, but they managed to tackle all these problems. As far as I remember I always saw my dad working very hard. I never saw this man resting or relaxing, even today he never feels comfortable sitting at home. Now his body can't cope with his enthusiasm to work, but still, he goes out and contributes as much as he can. He worked as a machine operator in a gas cylinder valve manufacturing company (Vanaz). When his company gave him an option, he took a voluntary retirement in 1989 and started his own business. I was in high school when he took this bold step, with three kids to feed, this guy took this brave step to invest all his retirement money into a dairy and sweet shop business. He established this business from scratch. He used to do all the work, he was the owner as well as the helper in the shop kitchen, whatever work was required he did it without any complaint. We never even had a two-wheeler at that time, he used to go on a bicycle to bring milk every day and also to market to procure other stuff. I know the reason why he suffers from knee pain, he pushed his body beyond its physical limits for many years. When I look back to those days, I can't stop myself from being impressed by the amount of hard work my father did to support our family. This all would not have been possible without the support of my mother, they both really worked hard, and seldom had any time to enjoy. We never used to have any spare money to go to a restaurant or watch a movie. The only movie we watched as a family was Sunny Deol's debutant movie "Betab," this movie has a special place in my heart just because of this reason. Going to our native place during summer vacation used to be our only picnic. They both dedicated their lives to establishing their family in a new place. They worked really hard and established their business, built their own house in Pune, and paid for the education of their three kids.

They both taught me the value of hard work. Our many problems were related to money, and this made me realize the importance of money very early in my life. I am thankful to my parents for countless things, but, I am most thankful to them for not insisting their beliefs and values on me. They never forced me to follow their religious or political beliefs, this allowed me to develop my own independent views about these things. I am really grateful to them for this. I am their son, but I am very different than them in all these aspects and I thank them for making this possible. I can see the amount of influence parents try to put on their kids as far as their religious, social, and political beliefs are concerned. Fortunately, my parents never did that. They taught me all the necessary values like respecting people around you, working hard, being honest and sincere, the importance of education, and many other things. Apart from education and some social etiquette, nothing else was forced. We were not allowed to play cards as gambling was very rampant in our neighborhood. My dad never had a drink in front of us, even though many of his friends used to drink regularly in their homes and even tell their kids to fetch the bottle from the neighborhood wine shop. They were really strict about some of these things and I really applaud them for this. These rules protected us from the bad influences of our neighborhood. I don't know the exact number of kids going to school with me at that time (must be around thirty), but only three or four successfully graduated from college, and two of them were from our family. These numbers say a lot about their efforts.

They both couldn't go to college, but they made sure that each of their kid got a chance to enter college. My education and freedom to think are the two biggest gifts to me from them. Their support was very pivotal during my education. Their decision not to allow their kids to enter the workforce to support their family was very important, this allowed me to complete my college and then my Ph.D. Many of my friends started working at a very young age and couldn't finish their college. My education changed my life completely. It allowed me to question many things which I would never have done without the power of knowledge. Their reaction to many of my objections and protests is also admirable. I never expected that they would take my objections so sportingly. Not only did they listen to my outrageous (according to them) views patiently, but even changed their views on certain topics after having a lengthy chat with me on those matters. It is not that we don't argue, we do it a lot. My concept of respect is not absolute obedience, no matter who the person is. I challenge their actions wherever I feel I have to and we argue, sometimes we agree and many times we don't, and this is what life is. Our disagreements so far haven't put any cracks in our bond, it is as strong as ever. Our journey so far is really enjoyable, with some ups and downs for sure, but I do share a special bond with them and over the years that bond has become only stronger. Actually, one post is not enough to say everything about our parents, but I wanted to share something about them with my readers. We all love and respect our parents, but rarely share our feelings with them. I think it is better to express our feelings, I learned this after coming to the US, in India rarely people express their feelings to each other in some relationships, especially son-father or daughter-father relationships. It is a personal choice, but I feel it is better to express them and have a very friendly relationship with our parents, it is a very rewarding experience.

Thank you मम्मि (mom), thank you पप्पा (dad) for everything, love you.

Thanks for reading.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]