Learning From Our children

As parents, we often see ourselves as teachers, guiding our children through life with the knowledge and wisdom we’ve gathered over the years. And while that responsibility is real, it’s only half the story. The truth is, our children have just as much to teach us—if we’re willing to pause, listen, and learn.

Most of us grew up in a very different world. The environment, the values, and the social norms of our era shaped how we think, behave, and judge right from wrong. But the world isn’t static. It evolves constantly—sometimes slowly over generations, and other times so rapidly that a few short years bring transformative change. As parents, it’s worth asking ourselves: are we preparing our children for the world as it is, or for a world that only exists in our memories?

This is where our children become our teachers.

I can speak from personal experience about the power of listening to my kids. My kids have taught me more than I could have imagined. Sometimes their words have challenged long-held beliefs, other times they’ve helped me evolve in ways I never thought possible. And none of it would have happened had I not chosen to listen.

Listening doesn’t mean agreeing blindly. In our home, discussions often turn into intense debates. My kids don’t hold back, and they attack weak arguments with full force. At times, the exchanges get heated. But when the dust settles, I walk away with plenty to reflect upon. I believe they do the same.

Through these conversations, my perspectives have shifted on issues like mental health, gender, feminism, racism, and much more. If I had dismissed their views simply because they are younger, I would have missed invaluable lessons.

It’s a mistake to believe that a child’s silence is a sign of respect. Somehow, in many cultures, including Indian culture, not speaking in front of elders, especially not questioning or arguing with them, is considered a sign of respect, and doing otherwise is considered a sign of disrespect or arrogance. More often, silence signals fear—or worse, the belief that engaging with you is pointless. That silence doesn’t build love or trust; it builds walls and resentment.

As parents, it’s our job to initiate meaningful conversations and to create a space where children feel safe enough to challenge us. If they can debate with friends or teachers but remain silent at home, we’re not raising honest communicators—we’re raising hypocrites. And the world already has enough of those.

Values are important, but no value is immune to becoming outdated. Outdated values need updating. What worked decades ago may not serve our children in the present—or prepare them for the future, no matter which book, religion, or prophet has said those words, values, and beliefs get outdated, and they need constant updates. By listening to our kids, we gain access to fresh perspectives that can refine, update, or even replace the values we once held tightly.

Our children are not blank slates waiting to be filled; they are thinking, questioning, evolving individuals with a lot to say. If we give them patience, attention, and the respect they deserve, they can teach us how to grow alongside them.

So don’t close the door on learning just because you’re the parent. Keep the conversations open, even when they’re uncomfortable. Challenge them and let them challenge you. In doing so, you’ll not only raise responsible, empathetic citizens—you’ll also become a better version of yourself. Remember, as parents, it is our job to initiate the discussion, we need the learning, and we must be proactive to initiate this process. 

Learning from your kids is free. And it will transform your relationship with them—for good. 

Thank you for reading, and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved. Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

Don't overuse of guilt in parenting

"This is what I get for all my hard work and sacrifices." "you are lucky to have food on your plate, many kids are sleeping hungry as we talk now." "You should be grateful that you don't have to walk barefoot like me to school, you at least have shoes, stop whining about that branded shoe." "I am working my ass off so that you can go to college and all you do is stay on your phone and party." We have heard someone saying some of these things or said some of these things ourselves to our children. Language and the wording may differ, but the gist remains the same, parents want their kids to realize how lucky their kids are compared to many other kids. Almost every parent gets frustrated at some point and uses such language in an attempt to make aware their kids of their privileges. 

Parenting can be frustrating and inducing a feeling of guilt often finds its way into parenting. Parents want their kids to be aware of how much hard work they are putting in as a parent. Parents want their kids to see what's at stake, and consciously and unconsciously they induce the feeling in their kids that kids are not doing enough. The intention of parents is to motivate their kids to work harder and be more focused. Parents feel this will help kids to become successful and avoid failures. However, this method backfires most of the time. Apart from guilt, kids start feeling shame and feel that their parent's love is conditional on them being successful. It is a not good feeling for any kid to know that their parents love them more when they are successful. Even though this is not what most parents intend, this is what their behavior conveys to their kids. And once our behavior speaks for itself, it really doesn't matter what our intent is or what we said if these things don't match with our behavior.

Even though it is important to make our kids aware of the various privileges they have so that they value them and act with compassion toward others who don't have the same privileges. It is not productive to make them feel inferior by inducing a feeling of guilt by their own parents. There is a difference between encouragement and bully parenting. Parents do have expectations from their kids. Many parents see their kids as a way to fulfill their own unfulfilled dreams. Many try to push their kids on career paths that they feel are safe and rewarding without checking what their kids may want to do. Most of the time this so-called guidance starts so early in life that many kids don't even develop any ability to think about what they want. The result is that many parents express their frustration to their kids from time to time for not fulfilling their expectations. Parent's concerns towards their kids are valid and well-intended. However, trying to guilt them is not the way to develop a healthy relationship with them. It is important to make kids realize their privileges, and it is important to provide them relevant information to make informed decisions. However, this does not mean making decisions for them, choosing careers for them, or spoon-feeding them so much that they can't think independently. And being a parent does not definitely mean creating a photocopy of ourselves. Our kids are independent entities, they need to have their own dreams and values, and as parents, we should be prepared to accept their independence and freedom to choose. 

Please don't overuse guilt. It is not the fault of your kids that they are more privileged than you. It is necessary to make them aware of their privileges but don't make them feel ashamed about it. It is okay to talk about your onw struggles as a child but harping about it every time doesn't help at all. Trust your child's judgment, they are not as naive as you think. It is not enough as a parent just to love your kids but it is also important accept them for who they are and what they want to be. And finally, don't make your love appear conditional on them being successful. The truth is that it is hard to find unconditional love, even parents' love is conditional, but at least don't make it so obvious. Happy parenting.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

Empty nest?

Both my kids are in college now. Graduating from high school and going to college is a milestone in every student's life. The student and their parents give their best to achieve this moment. Going to college is an emotional moment for parents, they are happy to see their child graduate from high school and also a little sad because most kids leave their homes to attend the college of their choice, hence the metaphor of the "empty nest." Nests and homes have something in common, both are places where families live. Generally, nests are built to protect the eggs and newborn birds until they can fly on their own and feed themselves. However, there is one significant difference. Homes are not temporary residences, of course, people move and change their homes, but this is just a shift from one home to another. But the nests cease to be useful for birds once the newborn birds learn to fly and feed themselves. This is why I feel the metaphor of an empty nest makes sense but doesn't show the complete picture. Hence the question mark in the title.

Every phase of life changes the dynamics of our relationships. Every relationship, for example, between child and parent, friends, spouses, our surroundings, or our colleagues changes over time. Kids start their lives completely dependent on their parents or guardians, but slowly they get independent and pursue their own journeys. Parents are supposed to facilitate this process, but the journey has to be the kids' own. Unfortunately, not many parents are brave enough to allow their kids that free choice. Most instill them with their fears and insecurities, force their religious and political values, brainwash them with their cultural and social biases and prejudices, pass on their own stereotypes, and worst, use them as vehicles to fulfill their own unfulfilled dreams and expectations. Even after all this, every parent-child relationship is special in its own way as most parents do these things thinking that they are doing good for their child. 

When kids graduate high school, they are supposed to embark on their own journey. This journey is supposed to be special as they will be living out of their homes for the first time. In the US most colleges require living on campus for at least part of their four years of college as they believe that living separately from parents is a part of a student's growth. I did not get to do this, I lived with my parents until I left for the US to pursue my postdoctoral work. It had its own pros and cons. I never got to live an independent life outside the shadow of my parents until my late twenties, whereas most kids in the US start doing this in their teens, at the age of 18 or 19. Now back to the empty nest metaphor. Even though it is a beautiful metaphor, our homes don't get empty, my kids are very much part of our home, even though they stay 8-9 months of the year on campus and are busy with their friends during their vacations. So, the nest is not really empty, just relationship dynamics have changed, we have entered a different phase and it has its own charm and fun. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

Today's kids inspire me a lot

Normally it's the parents' job to inspire their kids, motivate them, and help them to remain focused to perform their tasks successfully. I try my best to fulfill this responsibility, but many times it happens that my kids give me a lot of inspiration and courage to improve as a parent or mentor. I know that every parent loves their kids and likes to do their best to make them a better person in their own way and I am no different. The only difference is I am equally involved in this journey along with them. I am learning along with them and trying to get better. No one gave me any set rules or guidelines for parenting, and I didn't look for any. Actually, I didn't want to use the same rules and restrictions that were imposed on me while growing up. I thought those rules and restrictions were too authoritarian, where parents (or elders) have full control over the child's life and the child is the last person to decide what he or she wants to do in his/her life. I did not want to do this with my kids. I don't have any social or family pressure here in the US, I don't think it matters that much but I think being in the US definitely helped me to follow my own way of parenting.

I am enjoying my journey of parenthood along with my kids. I think most parents will agree that parenting is not an easy job. There is no written manual that can guide us to become a good parent. There are so many books and online articles that can help people figure out how to take care of infants and how to deal with certain issues of kids but they are helpful only to a certain extent. After all, every child is unique and special so parents need to figure out what works best for each child. No book can tell that, even two siblings react differently to the same situation or instructions, so, forget about following some book or manual for parenting, we are dealing with humans, not robots. At times parenting can be very stressful and frustrating but at the same time, it can be a lot of fun. It depends on how we want to look at it. Once we become parents we tend to look at things differently. Most of us forget everything we did as kids. Parents tend to forget all their mistakes, pranks, and confusion. They expect that their kids should not or are not allowed to do the same things. They expect their kids to be ideal human beings. Nothing wrong with having such expectations but some go too far that they want to engineer their kid the way they want, just like building a robot, but don't care what that kid wants. I know that many times kids are not mature enough to decide what they want to do in their life but that doesn't mean their opinion should not be considered at all. After all, it's their life. As far as I am concerned I never forget what I went through when I was their age. I always take into consideration that perspective, and because of this, I understand their frustrations, failures, pressures, confusion, anger, dismissive attitude, and problems. I very often remember my own childhood days when there is some disagreement between us. I agree that times have changed and today it's a totally different world for kids but still the problems are more or less the same. This journey is like a roller coaster ride very rewarding many times and a little frustrating sometimes but this is true for any journey and that's what makes them interesting and enjoyable.

Today's kids live in a much more technologically advanced era than their parents. This gives them a lot of advantages as well as poses many new challenges in front of them. Not only kids but their parents also face so many new challenges in this new technology-controlled era. Both need each other's help and support to face these challenges. So, it needs teamwork to face this challenge and that's what I try to do in my home. My kids learn something from me (at least that's what I think) and I also learn many things from them. I don't know how much I inspire them but I get inspired by them a lot. Actually, I see many kids around me who do so many inspiring things, they all amaze me with their talent, knowledge, and enthusiasm. I am talking here about my kids in particular just because I spend more time with them compared to any other kid. No doubt that experience matters a lot and the younger generation should benefit from the elders around them, at the same time elders can learn a lot from young people around them. Learning and sharing is more fun when it's a two-way process because the one-way process often gets boring and sometimes condescending. Thanks to all the kids around me, please keep up the good work. 

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

(Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing)

Are marriages made in heaven?

According to me not at all, marriages are decided on earth by humans, we make and break them. One can marry once or multiple times, or not marry at all. It is a personal choice and a legal matter. There is nothing divine either in marriage or human life, the first is a legal contract and the second one is a biological phenomenon. The human mind is very unsteady and it tries to run from one place to another, so to reduce this instability in long-term relationships concept of marriage was introduced. Centuries ago when societies were very conservative, social male-female interaction was very restricted and limited, females were allowed to interact with only males from their own family. This created a unique system of ‘arranged marriage’ where everything was decided by elders and the bride-groom had very little say in their own marriage. I think this resulted in the belief that to whom you will get married is your destiny (because it is not in your hand) that’s why they say marriage is made in heaven. All the rituals, oaths, and celebrations associated with marriage are just to make us realize the importance of that relationship. Like any other relationship, marriage requires a lot of understanding and adjustment to make it successful. As society progresses (intellectually and materially) concept of marriage also evolved with time.

Marriage is a human-made concept and institution there is nothing divine or spiritual about it, its partnership at a different level. It’s widely accepted in all societies and cultures. Therefore, most societies feel the need to respect and preserve it. In many societies, it helps in the smooth functioning of society, brings some stability to human relationships, and nurtures the concept of family. We are not yet successful completely in curbing our animal instincts so most of us need these types of intuitions and laws to curb our animal instincts and have harmony in our social and personal lives. 

Traditionally concept of marriage was to allow the development of long-term relationships between a man and woman to create a family. But today this definition is changing to a commitment to a long-term and honest relationship between two individuals. It is being debated whether these individuals need to be a man and woman. According to me, marriage can be between any two individuals as long as both are willing to enter and honor the commitment. This is what I believe and there can be different opinions on this and I totally understand it. People are entitled to have their own opinions and express them in a democratic manner. If you think logically then you might understand what I mean. I wonder how can we say that same-sex people can’t get married. Why not? If they are willing to enter into a long-term relationship and honor their commitment, why can't they get married. 

Our society was male-dominant for centuries and marriage was also designed heavily to favor males, where all changes (name change, family change, loss of property rights, etc.) were forced on females. As wives, women's role was restricted to specific duties which were mainly related to household chores. Things are now changing very fast but I think females suffered a lot because of unfairly biased rules where they have to compromise so much just for the sake of a long-term relationship with a man to bring some stability in their life.  

Marriage is also not an institute only designed to produce legitimate kids. Becoming a parent is a personal choice. It requires some maturity and capacity to bear the burden and responsibility of a parent. Everybody eligible to get married is not ready or eligible to become a parent, so marriage and parenthood are two different things and we should not mix them together. Historically both these things are linked but I think we are mature enough to understand that these two things are separate and have nothing to do with each other.

I would like to end this post with one interesting quote "You don’t really need someone to complete you. You only need someone to accept you completely".

Thanks for reading and don't forget to share your views and comments.

(Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing)