Men always mattered, now it is the turn of women and others

"Do you think Taylor Swift has a cultural impact equal to Michael Jackson?" My daughter asked while we were chitchatting during a commercial break of the TV show Survivor.

"Not at all, MJ has a huge cultural impact, Taylor has just started, there is no comparison," I responded immediately, without even pondering for a second.

"What about equal to Beatles?" the follow-up question came immediately. 

"Again, no, she is too young, maybe in a few years," I replied.   

"As expected, men will never accept that a young girl can be a cultural icon, such misogynistic thinking," she replied. 

Ouch, that did hurt, especially for a person who calls himself a feminist. But was she wrong? Might be a little harsh and exaggerated reply, but maybe that's what was required for me to learn more about Taylor. No matter what I call myself, I was born and raised in a misogynist culture where females were treated in a certain way, and no matter how much I deconditioned from all that cultural conditioning, I think some residues still remain in the system and show their subtle effects. Much has been written about feminism and how it is helping women to break various barriers. This has resulted in a sort of counter-attack from some people by calling feminism anti-men, starting male-matters movements, or shamelessly glorifying toxic masculinity. I personally feel pity for such attempts, but one cannot deny that all these are desperate efforts to counter feminism, counter attempts by women to claim their place in society for the first time in human history. The problem with movements like "all lives matter," "male matters", or with counter statements like "not all men," is with the timing and intent, they are started not to raise those issues but to divert attention and raise doubts about the intentions behind the movements from which they want to divert the attention. For example, feminism is not against men but it is against toxic masculinity, patriarchy, misogyny, and other prejudices against women. Fighting against these social evils also helps men as much as it helps women. Fight against sexual harassment, patriarchy, toxic masculinity, or misogyny is not a fight against men, but it is a fight against the mindset that confines men and women in certain categories and doesn't allow any freedom. Feminism is to about replacing men with women but about providing women their own space that was always occupied by men not because men were more capable but because women were never given a fair chance to fight for it. Also, people fail to notice how inclusive and pivotal feminism is. Just look at various other movements that started after feminism to assert their identities and claim their place in society, for example, the LGBTQ+ movement. It did not conflict or clash with feminism, rather, feminism has created a path and space for all such movements to start and flourish, often this aspect of feminism is ignored. Men always mattered, but they like it or not, it is the turn of women and others to also matter. And women and others are not taking men's space but they are claiming their own space and controlling their own narrative that was always controlled by men. 

Now coming back to Taylor Swift, no doubt she is talented and famous. She worked really hard to earn her fame and success. Many celebrities attend football matches, but when the NFL tweets about your presence in the stadium that's not a small thing. When your concerts fill the biggest stadiums in different parts of the world, that's not a small thing. When a generation of young females look at you as their inspiration and icon, then it is not a small thing. Yes, she is a cultural icon like any other music legend in their prime days, nothing more, nothing less. I was not aware of it, but my ignorance doesn't change this fact.  

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com 

I am a proud feminist

There are very few labels that I like to associate myself with, being a feminist is one of them. I think the feminist movement is one of the few moments that has transformed societies across the world. Feminism has revolutionized every society, every country, region, religion, and even many families including mine. This is a movement that does not have a single face, single leader, any book, or a set ideology. Feminism is about gender equality. Every feminist revolution is led by individual brave women and men of this world. Yes, you read that right, by women and men, both. The biggest misconception about feminism is that it's all about women. Mostly it is about women as they are at the forefront of this movement, but men are also an integral part of it. We men are part of the problem, so, we need to be part of the solution also. 

I agree that the label of feminism is a recent phenomenon, the fight for gender equality has been going on for decades. Many brave women tried to break barriers that tried to cage them, mostly without much success, but they all were as feminist as any of us can claim to be. No matter how recent is the label, feminism is now synonymous with gender quality, and the fight still continues as a lot still remains to achieve gender equality. Another important point is that a to of well-intentioned people who support gender equality hesitate to associate themselves with the word "feminist." This may be due to some hyperactive or radical feminists acting as if men are the origin of all the problems, the perception created in some sections of media is that feminism is about hating men. Both these things are not true. Like every movement when it spreads widely, feminism also has attracted a variety of people from different social, economic, political, and cultural backgrounds. Based on their personal experiences they shape their own feminist ideology and some of them behave like radical activists who want to bring overnight change by demolishing everything that exists today. This is neither a practical nor sensible approach, and this does not represent the entire feminist movement. For comparison, we can take the example of another widespread ideology, capitalism. Capitalism has transformed the economies of many countries, it has helped to generate and distribute wealth. However, at the same time, it has created a class of radical capitalists who believe that anything coming from socialism is evil, the market should have absolute power, the government should be only a spectator, and many more things. This does not make capitalism an evil movement per se, one can be a capitalist and still support equitable distribution of wealth, and one can be a pro-market and still support required regulations and oversight. Many times, we want things either to be good or bad, positive or negative, no matter how easy the binary view is, most things don't fit into the binary world, we now live in the world of the spectrum. Everything is like a spectrum and we need to find our match within that spectrum. 

I have witnessed gender discrimination since my young days, I know what it can do to children and how it can shape their thinking and behavior. Gender discrimination is devastating, not only for people who suffer because of it, it degrades the entire society. There are many examples around the world to demonstrate this. I have committed myself to doing my bit toward gender equality. This is how we can bring change, from one person to another, from one family to another. I invite everyone who is now aware of feminism or is skeptical about it to read more and talk with people like me to know about feminism and what can you do to bring change. What type of society will take pride in saying that they don't want gender equality. I hope no society wants to suppress almost half of its population so that it only benefits the other half. I define feminism as a fight for gender equality. If you support gender equality, you are a feminist. I am a proud feminist. I hope that you will join me in being a proud feminist and walk the path toward gender equality.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

Guilt is an effective weapon used against women for centuries

A feeling of guilt is not a good feeling. It makes us feel bad for whatever we did or failed to do in the past. It makes us feel responsible for whatever bad is happening around us. This feeling is necessary many times to make us realize our mistakes and take corrective actions, but this feeling can also hurt our progress if we feel guilty for no reason, or for doing things that we were supposed to do but which were against the established social norms of that time. The feeling of guilt has been used against women for centuries to make them fulfill stereotyped roles. Overcoming this imposed feeling of guilt is an integral part of every woman's struggle to break the shackles of unreasonable stereotyped restrictions. Women are successful to overcome this feeling and achieve substantial progress to prove that they are no less capable of achieving success in every field, but even after all these years, I read posts on social media where a woman feels guilty for not doing enough for their families by prioritizing their careers. They feel or are made feel guilty for not paying enough attention to their in-laws or kids at the cost of their flourishing careers. They are blamed more for neglecting their familial duties compared to their male counterparts. In contrast, I rarely see any such posts by men, where they regret focussing on their professional lives at the cost of not paying enough attention to their family members, especially young kids.

So, why career-oriented women are selectively targeted for not being involved enough with their families? Because many times this strategy works, many times society becomes successful in imposing that feeling of guilt in women's minds. This weapon of guilt has been used for centuries against women and it is still one of the most potent weapons used against them. Victim shaming also comes in the same category where the motive and behavior of the victim of sexual crime is criticized instead of a blatant act of harassment or assault by the perpetrator. It is not easy to deal with such attacks. As human beings, we are sensitive to our surroundings and have a tendency to fit in. Both women and men are targetted by outdated and rigid social norms to fill in certain types of roles and whenever they try to break those boundaries they are targetted for not being real men or women. We as a society need to fight this mentality if we want each and every member of the community to contribute to the welfare of our society to the best of their capabilities. In an era where a lot of professional help and care is available, it is unreasonable to expect only a particular gender to fulfill particular responsibilities. There is nothing wrong with being a career-oriented person for a man or a woman. Partners can help each other to fulfill their career aspirations and achieve professional as well as personal success. Without support from each other, men and women will fail to achieve their aims no matter what those aims are. 

Hilary Moore, a lawyer who decided to leave law to look after her family wrote in her article, "A real freedom is freedom from condemnation, no matter what choices we make. A woman's place is where she pleases. In a truly egalitarian society, a woman's value will not be measured by her ability to reach the traditional male definition of success." Make your own choices, go through the struggles and hardships that come with it, and reap the rewards. If the imposed feeling of guilt is only used to deter you from breaking stereotyped roles, just ignore it, we need to diffuse this weapon as it has been used for quite some time to frustrate the efforts of brave women. 

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

Gender equality is as much about educating men as it is about empowering women

It is a common perception that "gender equality" is all about women's empowerment and equal rights for them. It is true, but that's not the entire truth, gender equality is also about making men aware of this changing environment and shifting of gender dynamics where there is no weaker sex anymore. This might sound trivial and obvious, and many might ask why is it hard for men to understand this simple thing about gender equality? But it seems, it's not that easy for many men to grasp and adjust to this change. Many of them sincerely want to support gender equality but fail to understand how to practice it in their private lives. Especially during those special moments like going on a date or during intimate moments like sexual encounters. A recent story about Indian American comedian Aziz Ansari is an example of one such behavior where things can go terribly wrong without malice from either side.

Why do people fail to grasp the real meaning of gender equality? Why do many societies and cultures fail to accept gender equality in its true sense? Even in developed countries that pioneered and fiercely advocated gender equality in the modern era, why do many people fail to treat their partners the way any society that believes in gender equality should treat them? All these questions point towards only one major problem, somehow men were not as involved in this moment as they should have been. Maybe the entire focus was to make women aware of their rights and encourage them to stand up against the blatant discrimination practiced against them. It was the right thing to do, but at the same time, it was also necessary to engage men in this process. After all, they are the rest of the 50% population who are equally important if as a society we aim to succeed in our efforts to develop a culture without gender discrimination. A lot of progress has been achieved towards gender equality, still, it is not perfect but it is much better than just a few decades before. As women became aware of their rights and started demanding equal treatment, men also should have been made aware of the changing dynamics of the man-woman relationship.

The concept of a male as a dominant partner in a relationship is very old. Men were supposed to take initiative, they were supposed to initiate the relationship, and were supposed to play lead roles even in sexual encounters. The concept of enthusiastic consent was alien to most couples, but now times have changed for good and every individual participating in any relationship must make sure that he or she is aware of these changed notions. There are initiatives undertaken by many Colleges and Universities in the USA to make their students aware of these things. These educational tools are useful for everyone and I think everyone willing to be in a relationship should go through these materials to learn what is proper and what is improper conduct. Old social norms won't change unless people become aware of new norms and educate themselves. I hope the Aziz Ansari incident acts as a wake-up call for all who didn't bother to educate themselves about the importance of enthusiastic consent in any relationship. Relationships are beautiful only when both partners voluntarily participate in it, one's enjoyment should not become another partner's trauma. Gender equality is as much about educating men as it is about empowering women, and without their education we will not be able to achieve true gender equality.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

Stereotyping also happens for men, and it is equally bad

Are men also stereotyped in our society like women? Do they feel pressure to fit in a certain image to define their manliness? Does society expect a certain type of behavior from them or associate a certain set of qualities with their personality because of their gender? Do they face any discrimination because of their gender? Normally we ask these types of questions to point out gender stereotyping of women, but we can also ask these questions about men and the answer to most of them is YES. I am sure both men and women will be surprised to know that men are as much stereotyped as women or transgenders. There is a certain perception about men in our society. Our media and movie culture has built a certain image of an ideal man, masculine, fearless, and ever-ready for sex are some of the characteristics that most of us associate with men. This image is the result of years of stereotyping of male behavior, and males grow with this image in their minds. The effect of this is very strong. Knowingly or unknowingly men try to mold their behavior to fit into this image. The effect of this stereotyping is so much that if we come across any post or article adulating men the automatic response is "wish there were more men like this" or "We need more men like this." If you don't believe me then just check the comments section of any Facebook post or article adulating men or describing any incident which doesn't fit typical stereotyped male behavior. This is strong evidence to show how much our society has generalized the behavior patterns of men.

The truth is that most men want to be kind and very well-behaved. Patriarchal culture all over the world has put a lot of pressure on them to do justice to their so-called "manliness." Most of them try really hard to fit into that image. Often all those efforts and struggles are not recognized or appreciated as it is expected from them as a part of their duty as men, especially their responsibility to feed their family. This happens with women also where they are expected to take care of their families and all their efforts in that direction go completely unnoticed as it is considered as their "natural" duty. But unfortunately, when men misbehave, and commit crimes like murder or rape their gender becomes significant, and many times that criminal behavior is blamed on their gender. Even ridiculous statements like 'boys will be boys' are often used to justify or defend some misbehavior. Sometimes while criticizing sexual harassment incidents people try to put blame on the criminal's gender rather than accusing that particular individual for that mistake. The point is, men and women both face problems of gender stereotyping in our society and both get affected negatively because of this. Agreed, women are much more harshly targeted than men, but if we want to resolve the issue of gender discrimination we should look at the complete picture. Just because some men are misbehaving with women this type of behavior doesn't become a characteristic of all men. Just because some men are brave and masculine, this should not become a criterion to describe all men. Every person, whether it is a man, woman, or transgender comes with a unique set of qualities and emotions. A particular gender might have a certain type of emotion that dominates in its group, but there is no hard and fast rule for these things. Humans are not robots, they are not manufactured in factories with a certain set of characteristics. We all are different. Let's acknowledge and respect these differences. Such stereotyping of any gender can only result in feelings of low self-esteem and guilt among people who don't fit into those descriptions.

Stereotyping men is as bad as stereotyping women or transgenders. It doesn't serve any useful purpose, we all should avoid it. Just because for centuries, certain things were expected from certain gender doesn't mean we should continue with such wrong traditions. Once we realize that certain traditions are wrong, we should dare to challenge them and change them no matter how old they are. Like women, men have also suffered long because of stereotyping and gender bias. Let's try to end this injustice. 

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Stop gender policing

Recently I saw this excellent video advocating the message "STOP GENDER POLICING." The video is very well made and illustrates their point by using the example from the blockbuster Hindi Movie "Kuchh Kuchh Hota Hai," where a girl is taunted initially for not being girly enough because of her dress and behavior. Slowly she realizes her mistake and starts behaving according to her gender? Then, the hero of the movie falls in love with her and the fairy tale begins. These types of movies cater to preconceived notions of gender-associated characteristics. The audience loved this movie, this is just one example and many movies portray similar scenarios. Actually, I don't expect these mainstream movies to advocate any social change in society but these movies and their popularity also show the current mindset of our society. Movies reflect the values and culture that we practice as a society. Criticizing girls for not being girly enough or rewarding them when they change their not-so-girly mannerisms to so-called girly ones is still very common. It seems there are very rigid rules in people's minds about how people from a particular gender should behave, and what they should like and dislike. People still comment about what type of jobs girls should or shouldn't do, and how a man should behave in a manly manner. These things are still going on in our society which is why such videos, blog posts, and seminars are necessary to spread awareness about gender policing.

Stereotyping anything is bad, and stereotyping genders is worse. There is an urgent need to update concepts of masculinity of femininity. It is wrong to associate these qualities only with a particular gender. People associate these characteristics so rigidly with one gender that it is considered abnormal, bad, or weird for any other gender to possess even part of that quality. Girls not wearing so-called feminine dresses or boys who don't like sports or who like to play with dolls are considered abnormal. People are labeled abnormal just because their likes and dislikes don't match with the likes and dislikes that society normally associates with their gender. This is wrong and unfair to kids who are perfectly normal but are forced to change their ways just because it doesn't fit into the stereotype of their gender. We see this happening around us all the time where girls are told not to be bossy, and boys are told not to play with dolls but play with action figures. People do it without even knowing that they are forcing gender stereotypes on their kids. They insist on gender-specific behavior because they think this is the right way.

Gender policing is so widespread and common that many parents do it by thinking that they are doing a great favor to their children by correcting their gender-related behavior. They believe that it is their duty to make their kids realize how to behave according to their gender. They try to educate their kids about what should be their likes and dislikes based on their gender. This stereotyped mindset is passed from generation to generation, and people who don't fit into this are forced to mend their ways to fit into it or are labeled as weird or abnormal. Many lives get ruined by such an environment because they start thinking that something is wrong with them. They are made to feel guilty for being the way they are, and this takes a toll on their mental and physical health. People should feel comfortable expressing themselves without feeling fear of being ridiculed. Our society needs to evolve to accommodate expanded definitions of gender and sexuality. This evolution is required for almost every culture and society to survive in the long run. It is good to see that many people are working towards spreading awareness about these things this video is a very good example of this attempt. I hope that people realize that knowingly or unknowingly they are doing "gender policing" in the name of culture, religion, or traditions and they should stop this. Likes, dislikes, or hobbies don't depend on the gender they differ from person to person. Forcing kids to mend their ways just because they don't fit into our definition of normal can have disastrous effects on their personalities. It can shatter their self-confidence and self-esteem. Let's pledge to fight against any type of gender policing, this will be a positive step towards making our society more inclusive, tolerant, and progressive. Let's not associate any gender with hobbies or personality traits, this way gender policing will automatically disappear. 

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Links:

1. http://www.storypick.com/rape-always-sex-video-will-change-way-look-rapes-forever/

Women and Religion

Why are all religions and sects created by Men? Why is there not a single female who created any major religion or wrote any significant religious text/scripture?

I always get these questions and wonder if anyone else thinks about it or not. Why do we see most religious institutes (Temples, Churches, Mosques, and many others) headed or controlled only by men? If you see any major religion, its messenger or creator or even person in charge today is male, WHY? Why are we afraid to give women control of religion?

I personally believe that women are as capable as men in every aspect of life, and there is no reason to believe that they couldn't write the scriptures, be a messenger of God, or create any religion. I think it was the social structure of our society (male dominance, patriarchy, and misogyny) that suppressed their abilities, confined them to a particular role, and denied them their due credit.

It’s my belief that women were involved in discussions and debates when our society was more open and liberal (maybe thousands of years ago). They must have participated when the Vedas were debated and discussed, and contributed their ideas during those times. I believe women must have contributed heavily to those debates and discussions; we just don’t have that record. But slowly, as society started getting controlled more by muscle power than brain power, they lost their place, and that’s when men took over all the leading positions and also got the credit for that work. We twisted religious scriptures and messages, interpreted them as per our need and convenience, and forced certain sections of society to live under deprived conditions, even invented a horrible cast system out of it. I am not talking only about Hinduism or any particular religion here; all religions are guilty of this. Religions all over the world discriminated against women. If we had allowed it to be a dynamic system and encouraged a more inclusive approach, I don’t think this would have happened.

Women were confined to the home to perform household duties and produce children. They were hailed as Mata, Devi, and whatnot, but were not allowed to cross boundaries set for them by society (males). Their role was limited to daughter, sister, or mother. They were totally dependent on males for their living, safety, or even existence. They were oppressed for centuries and slowly got used to it, and most of them started believing in their role, which was decided by a male-dominated society. Even in the most affluent societies of the world, women fought for centuries to get their rights, till recently they were even denied basic rights like education and voting.

It’s good to see that now women have realized their true nature and decided to come out of this cage and explore their true potential. They are openly challenging some of the restrictions put on them by age-old traditions, and I feel happy to see their liberation. By liberation, I don’t mean external liberation (clothes, jobs, etc,) but they should liberate their mind from the clutches of patriarchy. I would like to listen to women's views about religion, which has been used by society to suppress them for ages.

Today, we have a chance to create a society without any discrimination and with equal rights for everyone. I think after a long time we have reached this point again, and let’s not miss this chance again, otherwise humanity will never forgive us.

Thanks for reading, and your comments are welcome.

(Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing)