"This is what I get for all my hard work and sacrifices." "you are lucky to have food on your plate, many kids are sleeping hungry as we talk now." "You should be grateful that you don't have to walk barefoot like me to school, you at least have shoes, stop whining about that branded shoe." "I am working my ass off so that you can go to college and all you do is stay on your phone and party." We have heard someone saying some of these things or said some of these things ourselves to our children. Language and the wording may differ, but the gist remains the same, parents want their kids to realize how lucky their kids are compared to many other kids. Almost every parent gets frustrated at some point and uses such language in an attempt to make aware their kids of their privileges.
Parenting can be frustrating and inducing a feeling of guilt often finds its way into parenting. Parents want their kids to be aware of how much hard work they are putting in as a parent. Parents want their kids to see what's at stake, and consciously and unconsciously they induce the feeling in their kids that kids are not doing enough. The intention of parents is to motivate their kids to work harder and be more focused. Parents feel this will help kids to become successful and avoid failures. However, this method backfires most of the time. Apart from guilt, kids start feeling shame and feel that their parent's love is conditional on them being successful. It is a not good feeling for any kid to know that their parents love them more when they are successful. Even though this is not what most parents intend, this is what their behavior conveys to their kids. And once our behavior speaks for itself, it really doesn't matter what our intent is or what we said if these things don't match with our behavior.
Even though it is important to make our kids aware of the various privileges they have so that they value them and act with compassion toward others who don't have the same privileges. It is not productive to make them feel inferior by inducing a feeling of guilt by their own parents. There is a difference between encouragement and bully parenting. Parents do have expectations from their kids. Many parents see their kids as a way to fulfill their own unfulfilled dreams. Many try to push their kids on career paths that they feel are safe and rewarding without checking what their kids may want to do. Most of the time this so-called guidance starts so early in life that many kids don't even develop any ability to think about what they want. The result is that many parents express their frustration to their kids from time to time for not fulfilling their expectations. Parent's concerns towards their kids are valid and well-intended. However, trying to guilt them is not the way to develop a healthy relationship with them. It is important to make kids realize their privileges, and it is important to provide them relevant information to make informed decisions. However, this does not mean making decisions for them, choosing careers for them, or spoon-feeding them so much that they can't think independently. And being a parent does not definitely mean creating a photocopy of ourselves. Our kids are independent entities, they need to have their own dreams and values, and as parents, we should be prepared to accept their independence and freedom to choose.
Please don't overuse guilt. It is not the fault of your kids that they are more privileged than you. It is necessary to make them aware of their privileges but don't make them feel ashamed about it. It is okay to talk about your onw struggles as a child but harping about it every time doesn't help at all. Trust your child's judgment, they are not as naive as you think. It is not enough as a parent just to love your kids but it is also important accept them for who they are and what they want to be. And finally, don't make your love appear conditional on them being successful. The truth is that it is hard to find unconditional love, even parents' love is conditional, but at least don't make it so obvious. Happy parenting.
Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic.
© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com
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