How do you want to earn respect?

Humans are social animals. We live in groups, interact regularly, and seek continuous validation from each other. These interactions and feelings of community help us to maintain our mental and social health. Our perpetual need to seek validation from others is the major reason for the tremendous success of social media. We want our family, friends, and society to recognize and respect us. Earning respect and validation are fundamental aspects of human interaction. We find various avenues to seek this respect and validation. Power and wealth have become universal tools to command respect in every society. It is important to note that to respect power (wealth is also a form of power), is no different than what animals do, they also respect power, the might is right is the rule of the jungle. Knowingly (or unknowingly) we are following the same rule. Why are we inclined to respect power and wealth so much? Even after all these years of learning and progress why are we okay with obnoxious displays of wealth and power? Why do love, compassion, humor, and kindness not generate as much respect as wealth and power generate? I wonder if people ask these questions in today's fast-paced life.

In a world driven by materialistic pursuits and instant gratification, the quest for respect is often overshadowed by desires for wealth and power. Wealth and power are not bad things per se, it depends how a person uses them. Most, if not all rich, follow a typical lifestyle, some common elements are, living in lavish homes, having unique preferences about schools, colleges, and jobs, and noticeable use of luxury brands. Nothing wrong with any of these things. The problem is when these things become the hallmarks of earning respect and things like integrity, compassion, love, and authenticity are forgotten. In striving for respect, it is essential to acknowledge the pitfalls of a materialistic mindset. Material possessions are necessary and they do provide instant gratification, however, a life solely focused on wealth and power can lead to emptiness and a lack of fulfillment, and ultimately may fail to garner genuine respect. Also, it can foster superficial relationships based on what one has rather than who one is. Therefore, prioritizing material wealth and power as the only means to earn respect can be ultimately futile and shallow.

Another way to earn respect can stem from material wealth and power coupled with the choices we make and the values we uphold. Integrity, for instance, is one of the cornerstones of respect. Being honest, reliable, and principled in our actions establishes ourselves as individuals of character and cultivates trust and admiration from others. Compassion is another powerful quality that is becoming rare as people are getting more aggressively opinionated. Showing empathy and kindness towards others not only enriches their lives but also reflects positively on our own morals and character. When we teach others with dignity and understanding, we foster meaningful connections built on mutual respect and empathy. Many people forget this simple aspect of human interaction, especially on social media or while discussing sensitive issues, this is why we see so polarized society. Authenticity is one of the most important qualities to earn respect. Nowadays, we are so used to seeing the well-curated lives of others on social media that we forget the real colors and flavors of our own personal and social lives. Embracing our true selves, flaws, and all, demonstrates courage and vulnerability. Understanding that courage and vulnerability are two sides of the same coin is very important. Our authenticity invited others to see us for who we are, fostering genuine connections based on acceptance and mutual understanding. Authenticity deeply resonates with others because it acknowledges our humanity and allows for genuine relationships to flourish. Any relationship that is based on mutual respect and compassion helps us to form strong bonds that survive the east of time.

In essence, earning respect goes beyond the accumulation of material wealth, power, or superficial achievements. These things do have their own place in our lives, but they are not replacements for honesty, compassion, kindness, love, and authenticity. By living a life of making conscious choices aligned with these values, we not only earn the respect of others but also cultivate a sense of self-worth and fulfillment that transcends materialism. As we navigate life's complexities and our own challenges, let's strive not only for success but also for respect grounded in the richness of our character and the authenticity of our actions. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com 

Don't trade self-respect for respect from others

Validation from others is one of the basic requirements for humans. We don't live in groups that we call society for only physical safety, but also because it is emotionally not easy for humans to survive alone. Humans are social animals, and with social life comes interaction with others, with that interaction comes different types of personal and social exchanges. Humans crave validation and respect from others. If our views, behavior, and personality are respected by others, we feel validated and our thinking about self-worth improves. Very few of us can ignore this need to get validation from others, people go to great lengths to receive such validation. Social media has exacerbated this need. Now, people crave continuous validation, their life depends on the number of likes and views of whatever they post on social media. This need has become so desperate that people are willing to trade self-respect to fit in and get that craved validation from others. That is, they are willing to trade their self-respect in return for respect from others.

Social media has provided a free and easily accessible avenue to become a famous and likable personality for everyone with internet access. This accessibility has its own pros and cons. Easy internet access has given us access to a vast amount of information, at the same time, it has given people a platform to broadcast themselves 24/7. When everyone is broadcasting who will watch? So, there is intense competition to capture and retain the audience whose attention span is reducing day by day. People are willing to post whatever it takes to get the attention of the online audience. Remember, when the new channels became available 24/7, they lost their unique ability to deliver news without much sensationalization and became entertainment channels. The same thing is happening with all social media users. In the race to capture the likes and views of online audiences, people are becoming objects of entertainment broadcasting their curated lives rather than sharing genuine human emotions. Qualities like compassion, support, love, and kindness could also be shared online, but we hardly see discussion about these things. Feelings like hate and dislike get a disproportionate amount of attention, and the display of unreasonable wealth and comfort also gets more eyeballs. People try to fit in by fulfilling these demands. Therefore, if exuberance, display of wealth and comfort, hate, dislike, political polarization, and divisive agenda are in high demand, they try to cater to this demand. As people's lives are overburdened with the expectation of being popular and relevant all the time, many try to mold themselves to fit into the current popular trends. This is why you see an endless supply of content that people watch without any emotional involvement. Online surfing has become like any other addictive behavior, people do it compulsively even at the cost of personal detriment as they just can't stop it even if they want to. I feel that people need to take a pause and self-reflect. They need to evaluate what they are doing and why. They should start with why first, it is always good to ask why are we doing something and then move on to the rest of the questions. Our self-respect is one of the most valuable treasures we possess, please don't trade it for respect from others. Remember, if you don't respect yourself, others for sure won't. So, start by respecting yourself and then build your surroundings with people who do not want you to trade your self-respect to get respect from them. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

My mom and I

My mom, I call her mummy, and I share a unique bond. It's the same and at the same time different than any other mother-son relationship. I am her first child, so, I got an edge over my other two brothers because I got an early start.😉 My mom and I share a unique bond, it's hard to describe. As a person, we are poles apart, there are very few things common between us. Whatever characteristics and features I received from her genetically are there, but apart from that, we are completely different, still very close. I oppose most of her beliefs and many times, criticize them in the harshest possible words, but strongly support her right to practice them. She wonders why I am like this and I also wonder the same about her. This all sounds complicated, but it's not.

There is one thing for which I really give her credit and thank her, she never forced me to do anything against my wishes. This might sound an obvious thing to many, but it's a big deal and I don't know how did she manage to resist the pressure of making your kid follow all your religious and cultural values. I can't thank her enough for doing this, I am sure she must have regretted it whenever I revolted against most of the so-called traditions and rituals, but for me, this was the best thing that she did. This is still quite common in most societies, parents want their kids to inculcate all their values, religious, social, political, personal, and even professional. It was especially prevalent in the neighborhood where I grew up, most kids even ended up doing the same or similar job that their parents did. Like many, I also had a roller coaster teenage and college years. I wondered about things around me, had a lot of unanswered questions, and had no clue where I was heading in my life. My mom supported me, she didn't know what was going on, what did MSc or Ph.D. meant, or why my son was not doing a "normal" job like others, but she stood behind most of my choices. She also didn't force me to get married early which was again a common tradition in the community back then. I am sure all this was not easy for her, but she did it and it worked in my favor.

Mom lost her dad when she was a few months old, and this has created a deep impact on her mind. She has seen struggles of my grandmom as a single mom, and always gets emotional while talking about her. She had a comfortable childhood as her uncle and grandparents took care of her in the absence of her dad. She could only manage to complete her middle school at most as educating girls was not a priority back then. She got married at a very young age, she was around 13 or 14 years young. She migrated to Pune, a city in the Indian state of Maharashtra after marrying my dad. When she arrived in Pune she didn't know a single word of Marathi, it was very tough for her to adjust to this new place with a new culture and totally alien language. I still remember an incident about which told me when she got lost one evening while returning from an errand back to the rented room and couldn't ask anyone for directions as she didn't know the address as well as the local language. It seems one of my dad's friends found her stranded and brought her back to the room, she was petrified by this. She also went through all the struggles and troubles that a migrant family goes through while trying to establish themselves in a new place. Lack of proper education didn't make it easy for her, life was emotionally and physically challenging for her during her initial years in Pune. I still remember the days when she, I, and my younger brother Pankaj used to carry buckets of water every day from a water tanker that used to supply water as our neighborhood did not have access to tap water. 

Mom is overprotective of me. Maybe her own childhood and experiences made her so overprotective about her kids. Since my childhood, she never allowed me to travel alone, the first time I traveled alone in my life was when I took my flight to come to the US. She is very scared of rivers and oceans, the main reason is that my maternal grandpa died in a boat accident in the river Ganga. One can imagine her situation when Pankaj, my younger brother, decided to join a merchant navy. Like many mothers, she still worries about me and offers many suggestions that I don't follow, but she offers them anyway. We also had many arguments and disagreements, some serious ones, but none of those managed to create any personal rift between us that could not be bridged. My concept of respecting one's parents doesn't mean blindly obeying them, following their every order like an obedient son, I can't do this. I am not an obedient son, rather, I am the disobedient one. I am the one who refused to follow the orders and was absent from ritualistic functions because I didn't agree with those rituals. Defied all religious dietary restrictions. But this did not matter as far as my personal bond with my parents was concerned. Actually, over the years, I managed to evolve my relationship with both of my parents in such a way that I treat them more like friends than parents. This was the best way for a rebellious son to preserve the bond with his parents and maintain love and respect without being burdened with the expectation of obeying them. Like friends do, I make fun of them, discuss various things, criticize their views, advise them on their personal issues, and have a great time whenever I meet them personally. This is working great so far. I know that there are a few things that I may never be able to change about my mom, but I will keep on trying. I know that she will be doing the same thing from her side. This will keep both of us busy and can be one of the reasons to keep on persuading each other. Sometimes, 

With my kids, I find myself in a strange situation where I have to explain some of my mom's beliefs to them. They find themselves more distanced from these beliefs than me. It's a tough job, but it's also necessary, someone needs to explain why she has those beliefs. Mom's contribution towards my upbringing is undeniable, I am a witness to some of her struggles and I thank her for not quitting or succumbing to the pressure of society. But she knows this won't stop me from confronting her and this is the beauty of our relationship. I am grateful to her but not burdened by her sacrifices. I am her son, not a devotee, and I think she knows this very well. So, mummy, thank you for everything 🙏 and as always I love you and value what you did for me, and you know that I am not sorry about the many arguments we had so far and might have in the future.😀 Stay happy and stay well. 

Thanks for reading and please share your story about the relationship with your mom. 

Marriage can be a liberating experience

This month I and Reena will be celebrating our 21st marriage anniversary. So far, it has been an amazing journey for both of us, full of excitement and challenges. I couldn't have asked for a more supportive and understanding partner who not only supported me in all my endeavors but also took up each and every challenge which I threw at her with a lot of good spirit and courage and I hope Reena also feels the same way.

Ours was a classic arranged marriage. We did not know each other personally before a marriage proposal came to my parents from a common acquaintance who knew members of both families. This was a traditional way arranged marriages used to work before the emergence of matchmaking agencies and online matrimonials. I met her only once before we got married and that too only when I insisted on that meeting. I really had to take a stand that I was not getting married to anyone without having at least a one-to-one meeting with that person. This was a shocker to all the elders in my family as something like this never happened before and everyone was wondering what I may achieve by talking with a girl in person? Isn't the photo enough to see how she looks? Isn't what her family tells about her enough to judge that she is going to be an obedient wife and daughter-in-law? What am I going to talk to her? Does it really matter? Yes, it did matter to me. I wanted to tell the person who was going to marry me what type of person I was and what was she getting into. I knew from the beginning that my marriage was not going to be like all other marriages around me. This was all that I told Reena when I met her at her home in Varanasi during the only meeting we had before our marriage. I explained to her my views, and I told her about my family, my Ph.D. work schedule, and my other future plans. I also conveyed to her my expectations about my partner and asked about her expectations. Not to my surprise she had minimum expectations like her husband should not be alcoholic or abusive. The bar was that low for boys to qualify as a suitable groom. I did not know back then how she felt about my insistence on meeting her, later she told me that it was a bit surprising for her that I talked about all these other things rather than where to go for honeymoon and other typical stuff that people ask their prospective brides.

Anyway, we got married in 1998, and since then Reena has been my partner. I see many people complaining amount of restrictions their marriage puts on their lifestyle, there are many jokes about marriage being the end of freedom for a man/woman, but nothing like that happened with us. Our marriage has proven to be a liberating experience for both of us. I never felt restricted from anything, rather I have more freedom as I have someone to share responsibilities and support me apart from my parents and brothers. I have more support after marriage than before marriage. As far as our personal relationship is concerned, we both give each other enough space. We recognize and acknowledge that we both have our own circles from before our marriage, and we need to maintain those relationships without diluting our relationship with each other. This is not an easy balance to strike, but also not difficult if both partners try honestly. A lot of understanding, transparency, and discussion are needed to achieve this and we both never hesitated to initiate complicated or difficult conversations no matter how complicated or sensitive the issue is. We are poles apart on certain issues, but that never affected our personal relationship. Imposing our own views on each other was never our intention, we believe in agreeing to disagree and moving on. We value and encourage independence, but this was not easy in the beginning as it was a shocker for Reena when I told her to decide about her personal issues, like when to visit her family. I know that many people will think that's such a trivial matter, but even this much freedom is not offered to women in many societies. They need permission from their husband or in-laws even to visit their family. I must say that Reena took this challenge very graciously and worked really hard towards it. It was not easy for both of us as it created family conflicts and other challenges, but we did it. This is what I mean by marriage can be a liberating experience, we both are free and independent, not independent of each other, but independent within a relationship that binds us together. We value and respect each other's space, even in disagreement we support each other's right to have different beliefs. We recognize each other's complexities and do not try to make it more complex, but try to support and understand. We discuss and debate a lot, but not always to convince each other, but many times to understand each other. We do need to strike a balance but it is from both sides. I do not get the upper hand for just being a husband and she does not have to compromise just because she is a wife. We try to fight many patriarchial notions together. We not only believe in gender equality but we also practice it. There are many small and big things which contributed to making our relationship really special. Marriage was never a burden or a cage for both of us, and I hope other married couples feel the same way. It all depends on both partners, if they want, marriage can be a liberating experience.

Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic. 

Open letter to Mr. Suresh Prabhu - do you think you owe any explanation to agitated passengers?

Dear Mr. Suresh Prabhu,

I never imagined I had to write an open letter like this to anyone forget about writing to the railway minister of India. Before starting my letter let me mention that I have the highest regard for your knowledge and capabilities, I am also a great admirer of some of the work that you did as a minister in the previous NDA government which is why I am not that happy to write this letter, but I think I don't have any other option. 

Let me also tell you that till my last trip, which was yesterday, I was a big fan and a staunch supporter of Indian railways. No one ever managed to convince me not to travel by train in spite of air travel becoming very common and affordable. I always preferred the railway as my mode of travel for long-distance travel, I always enjoyed my train journey despite some inconvenience in booking the ticket because of the heavily crowded and forever overbooked Pune-Varanasi route. But all these things never discouraged me from traveling by train even on very short visits to India. I always valued and looked forward to my train journeys as they are an integral part of my childhood memories. But what no one ever managed to do all those years your department managed to do during just one journey. My last train journey was one of the most horrible customer service experiences I ever had with any organization in the world. First of all, I don't think the Indian railway believes in anything like customer service, even on the inquiry window of Varanasi junction the concerned person was answering the queries of passengers as if he was doing some kind of favor on them. I hope you are having a great time while enjoying your posting as Indian railways minister, I hope you understand that this post comes with many perks as well as many responsibilities. I hope you have a good idea about how this whole organization works and how this system functions. So, with all this background now let me tell you about my horrible experience with the organization you are currently heading.

I booked my return travel from Varanasi to Pune by Gyan Ganga Express (train No. 22132) for 12th August. The train was scheduled to depart at 4.35 AM. On 8th August, just one day before I departed from Pune, people told me that it would get canceled as the train that goes to Varanasi from Pune (22131) and returns as Gyan Ganga Express is canceled. This was based on some local newspaper report, we couldn't confirm this from the official website or helpline number. I still wonder what was the source of that newspaper or was it a mere lucky guess? But I thought that if it was that obvious then the railway website and helpline would mention this, but both didn't have any information about the cancellation of any train. But as everyone sounded so confident I booked another ticket for the train to Mumbai leaving on the 13th (train number 12168) as there was no other train for Pune. I did this not to derail my travel plans just in case the newspaper's prediction turned out to be more accurate than the railway website and helpline. I reached Varanasi on the 9th of August, on the 10th night my brother informed me that my train on the 12th was canceled officially as per the railway website, so it seems all other sources were right and predicted this cancelation much before the railway department. I was amazed that as a passenger traveling by that train, I didn't receive any official communication about this cancelation. I can't believe that in this era when cell phones have become such a common commodity in India, the Indian railway doesn't have an SMS (text) information system for its customers where they can inform their passengers about any delays and cancellations well in advance to avoid any inconvenience to them. I also wonder why the online update system is so slow to update any relevant information. It fails to deliver especially when there is some sort of confusion and people try to get relevant information from the website as it is the official source. I immediately booked another ticket (third one) via 'tatkal' for train 12168 departing on 12th August which was scheduled to reach Lokmanya Tilak terminus on 13th August at 12.25 PM. So, I had three confirmed tickets in my hand, but with no guarantee that any one of them would take me to Pune or Mumbai on the 13th. Don't you think this uncertainty should be a matter of great concern for the person in charge of the Indian Railways? Don't you think as a passenger who pays full fair and relies on the scheduled timetable of trains for their travel and other plans your system should be more considerate towards their inconvenience?

But the story doesn't end here. On the 12th morning, I came to know that train 12168 scheduled to depart on the 13th also got canceled, so, now, I was left with only one option, the train 12168 departing on the 12th which was not yet canceled. Many people advised me to take flight as they were not sure that even this train would depart on time, but I was adamant that reaching Pune 6-7 hrs after my earlier plan was not a big deal if it allowed me to experience the train journey with my daughter and mom. But it seems I was living in a fool's paradise by believing your website and helpline which kept on informing me till the 11th night that the train was scheduled to depart at the right time (10.25 AM). My village is almost 2 hrs journey from Varanasi, so, we started our preparations early in the morning on the 12th. We initially planned to leave around 8.00 AM to reach Varanasi ~10.00 AM. By chance, my cousin who happened to be the only person carrying a smartphone with an internet pack checked the current status of our train and found that it was delayed by 6 hrs and 35 minutes and was rescheduled to leave at 5 PM. Then also I thought not too bad, as I knew that trains were getting rescheduled because of the recent accident near Harda in MP. So, based on that information we left our village around 2.30 PM, on my way I called railway help line number 139 to inquire about the train status and they informed me that it was scheduled to depart at 5.00 PM from platform 9. We reached Varanasi at 4.30 PM, electronic board on the station was showing the scheduled departure time at 5 PM. I met some passengers waiting there since 9 AM as they didn't have any smartphones or when they checked the website told them that the train was scheduled to depart at the right time. The inquiry counter was flooded with people asking about that same train as people were running out of patience as they were getting different information from different sources. Surprisingly, the guy at the counter instead of being more understanding and sympathetic towards agitated passengers started losing his patience with each person asking about the same train. His replies started sounding more angry and arrogant,  finally, he declared that the train would only depart once train 12167 arrived at Varanasi and he didn't have any idea when it would arrive. Can you believe this? Can you justify this kind of response from the official counter of the railway department? After this announcement, he literally ordered everyone standing in line to inquire about that train along with others waiting for the same train, he told everyone to leave the place and come back around 10.00 PM to get any further information. He even called police personnel to disperse the crowd around the inquiry window. Amazingly the screen on the station was still showing departure time for the train at 5.00 PM!

The nightmare didn't end there. I saw many people in that heat and humidity with kids as young as 2 or 3 months sitting there helplessly as they had nowhere to go and had no option but to wait indefinitely for that train. I checked waiting rooms for passengers, they were already overcrowded with people sitting on the floor. I really felt bad for all those people who blamed their fate for this situation and told me not to be so surprised and shocked as this is how this system works. Many also told me that there wouldn't be any use in registering any complain as no one would bother to pay any attention to it. Mr. Prabhu, can you believe what people think about your department and how low expectations they have from it? If this doesn't concern and worry you I wonder what will? At 10.00 PM the online update was that it would leave at 11 PM, I came back to Varanasi station at 10.45 to find that finally train 12167 had arrived and 12168 would depart at 11.55 PM. Then at 11.55 PM, they announced it would depart at 12.30 AM (on 13th August), and after 12.30 AM they stopped making any further announcements about that train. I was wondering that even after the train arrived at Varanasi station how come these people can't tell passengers the exact time of its departure? What kind of system is this that changes its previous announcements at the last minute with zero regard for its passengers' convenience? Why do these people have no respect and concern towards their passengers who have been waiting since morning? No one around me had any answers for all these questions, I hope that at least you have some courtesy and courage to explain all this. Finally, the train arrived at 1.00 AM, and departed around 1.30 AM, almost 15 hrs after its scheduled departure which was changed I don't know how many times.

The journey was good, I enjoyed it despite the shocking incident of the theft of my mom's cell phone. The passenger who came to our compartment after the ticket checker (TC) sent him when he found out that one passenger didn't show up while scanning the compartment. This person stole her phone in broad daylight, that too from a compartment that had attendants and was supposed to be safe and secure. He took advantage of the situation of already tired and dejected passengers who were trying to catch up with their lost sleep. I tried to register the complaint with TC who indirectly blamed me for this incident and told me to call 138, who then told me to call 182. Finally, they registered my complaint and promptly sent police to the next station to inquire about it and register the FIR. It was a pleasant surprise to see that at least something was working and I give them full credit for their prompt response. The police officer told me not to worry as they would surely find the phone and return it to my mom, I don't think they will, but it was so nice of him to be sympathetic towards our inconvenience and it was a great feeling to hear some comforting words from someone who at least didn't blame me for being in this situation and I really thank him for that.

Now, Mr. Prabhu if you get a chance to read this, what do you have to say about all this? Do you think you owe any explanation or at least a sincere apology to all those passengers who went through so much inconvenience and trauma? Do you think that all those passengers should be compensated for all this inconvenience? Based on many people's suggestions I don't expect any answers but still, I am trying to reach you. Why this department is so unconcerned about the needs and convenience of millions of passengers who rely on it for their daily travels? Why there is no concept of customer care, especially among people who are supposed to deal with customers directly? Why do people at the inquiry window lose patience so fast, when it is their job to answer all queries no matter how many times people ask? Why the system is so slow and pathetically inaccurate in updating the status of their own trains? Why TCs fail to do their job properly and blame passengers? For our entire journey, no one came to check our tickets, they only scanned the compartment to check for vacant seats. I hope you have answers to at least some of these questions and bother to respond. If not me, I think millions of passengers deserve your attention and apology, they also need some sort of promise from you that such things will stop happening or if they happen, the passengers will be compensated for their troubles.

Please look into this matter seriously before some passengers react violently against this mismanagement. I hope this letter sounds a wake-up alarm in your ears rather than thinking of it as a rant by some frustrated passenger.

Eagerly waiting for your reply,
Sincerely,
One agitated passenger

I respect people but not all their views and opinions

Gandhi once said, "Hate the sin, not the sinner," I totally agree with this statement, but it is also true that it is very difficult to follow this advice. Many times, we find it very difficult to isolate beliefs and acts (good or bad) from any person and look at them independently of their behavior. If we see some person doing good things we start liking them, and we like or love them so much that many times we even try to defend their bad things as we believe that such a nice person can not do anything wrong (hardcore devotees and fan clubs come in this category). Similarly, if we have a negative image of some person in our mind we develop such a negative attitude towards them that we don't want to offer any words of appreciation even towards good deeds done by them (we see this attitude very often in politics). I personally believe in respecting people no matter who they are, I think as humans we should first learn to respect each other irrespective of our religion, nationality, color, race, sexual orientation, or any other personal trait. According to me, this is a basic requirement to call anyone a human, we all need to have mutual respect and kindness. But this mutual respect doesn't mean that we need to respect each other's views, beliefs, opinions, or sentiments. All these things differ from person to person, people have different types of opinions about the same issues, they follow different religions or no religion, some are sensitive and some are not. There is tremendous diversity among all of us as far as our emotions, beliefs, and thinking patterns are concerned, it is impossible that everyone will agree with each other on everything. If we are compelled to respect each and every sentiment of others, we have to be careful all the time not to hurt them, then we can not question, discuss, or argue about any issue as these actions may hurt someone's sentiments. No matter how careful we are, our questioning or criticism is bound to hurt someone's sentiments or make someone feel uncomfortable. So, the expectation to respect every sentiment, belief, or view is unreasonable and against the spirit of having an open discussion.

Let me make clear what I mean in the title of this blog post: I respect all people and as a human being I consider it my duty to do that but I am not obliged to respect all their beliefs, opinions, or sentiments. As I am allowed to challenge other's opinions and question their beliefs or sentiments, they are also free to do the same with my beliefs or sentiments. Others have the right to offend me and I also hold the same right. Let me also make it clear that questioning someone's opinions or beliefs or commenting on their sentiments positively or negatively does not mean showing any disrespect to that person. One should question and argue without being disrespectful. Also, people must understand that just because someone is questioning or arguing does not mean they are being disrespectful. When I question I am trying to challenge or object to those beliefs or opinions not the existence of that particular person, there is a difference between challenging a person and challenging their beliefs. Many cultures or religions consider obedience as a necessary virtue and a very important sign to show respect towards seniors. But obedience doesn't mean blind faith or total devotion without any right to question, this type of obedience is total surrender, a form of slavery, which is dangerous for any human being as it shuts their thinking process off and takes away their ability to question things. Any human without any logical or rational thinking of their own will become like a robot which can be used to carry out any good or bad work, recruitment of young kids for terrorism is an ideal example of this. We have enough devotees in this world, we need many more rational and independent thinkers who are willing to challenge and question things around us. These are the people who can initiate change and who can go against the flow.

So, next time when you see someone questioning your sentiments, views, or beliefs don't think that it is a sign of disrespect or insult but take it as a challenge to validate your thoughts, take it as a challenge to prove your point with evidence and data, it will only improve your own knowledge and help that other person also understand your views better. Let's show respect towards each other as a person but feel free to challenge each other's thoughts, this is the only way we can keep making progress.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Karva Chauth - love or discrimination wrapped in love?

Every year 'Karva Chauth' (करवा चौथ) is celebrated, mainly in the northern parts of India. I don't know when this ritual actually started, but it must be very old. I guess it must have started centuries ago when men used to depart their homes frequently for wars or travels and in those days all these things involved a great amount of risk and uncertainty this ritual must have started to wish these men good luck and safety for their endeavor. In recent times, this festival has been glamorized by many movies and TV serials as the ultimate symbol of a wife's love and dedication towards her husband, so now it has become popular in many other parts of India. I am not against any festivals or celebrations. Festive occasions are useful for getting together, relaxing, and having fun and there is nothing wrong if people want to enjoy. But if we analyze the situation carefully it's not that simple. Many people like me are blamed or criticized for bringing up the topic of gender equality almost in each and every issue we face, at least I do this because all these issues are so interrelated that I can't help it and I hope this post will explain why I am discussing this particular festival as an example (this festival is just an example, the post is not only about this particular festival), this is the case of a ritual, widely accepted, glamorized and celebrated, which looks very harmless and simple but it can have deep effect on psychology of people following it.

Now let's look at this festival of Karva Chauth. A wife fasts the whole day (in many cases without drinking even a drop of water) for the prosperity and long life of her husband, and in the evening after some rituals, they get a gift of their choice from their husbands and eat only after seeing the face of their husband. The festival is exclusively for married women whose husband is still alive. The Festival looks very benign and many people think it's full of love and devotion. Fasting is part of many festivals. Muslims also do it in the month of Ramadan. Actually, nothing wrong with fasting, wives definitely have the right to wish or pray for the happiness and long life of their husbands. The festival looks like a very harmless ritual, a beautiful way to express love and dedication by wives for their husbands. Note that in the traditional format of the festival, husbands don't fast. Perfectly fine as long as it's practiced voluntarily, without any obligation, and not forced on all married women either by social or family pressure. Does it happen like this? In most cases, the answer is 'No.' If it's about love and respect, this fast should be performed by both husband and wife as respect and love in any relationship should be mutual, but rarely this happens. I have also seen many mothers-in-law calling their daughter-in-laws a day or two days before such festivals and reminding them that they should keep some fast to make sure that their son's welfare and longevity are not jeopardized. Also, there is no festival that I know where husbands fast or pray for the well-being of their wives. The social pressure is also tremendous, believe me, the guilt some women get if they fail to do this is very strong as if they missed a crucial dose of some life-saving medication.

This post is not a criticism of all the festivals or traditions or any culture but it's about the mindset which gets perpetuated in the name of festivals and traditions. Unmarried women and widows are not allowed to participate in this festival which claims to celebrate love and dedication. As I mentioned many such festivals are supposed to be for the welfare and long life of husbands and it seems that many wives and mothers literally believe that it's necessary to do all these things to achieve this goal otherwise something bad might happen. Because of this fear, many try to fast even during sickness, poor health, pregnancy, or under circumstances when it might affect their health. Many women get praised for doing these things in adverse conditions, they get hailed for their dedication, love, and respect towards these traditions and their husbands. A question comes to my mind, are these things only about love and dedication? Or is it fear of losing that person or something bad might happen if that ritual is not followed (superstition)? I also see many women who suffer physical and mental abuse at the hands of their husbands, many who are abandoned by their husbands for other women or for whatever reason observe these types of festivals for the welfare and longevity of their husbands. Does this make any sense? Isn't it a sign of Stockholm syndrome? I am sure something else going on in these cases, why do you want to pray for the well-being of your abuser? I am sure this festival is about total surrender but I have doubt if love is part of it or not.

Every issue has positive and negative sides, there are many families where this festival must be fun and a nice way to get together, they may not see anything wrong in it (even the exclusion of widows). I am against any festival that forbids the participation of certain sections of society just because of their gender or marital status (widows), rather I believe that the practice of widows being barred from participating in many rituals or considering them as a bad omen is one of the worst forms of discrimination and it must have started from traditions and festivals like this. Imagine how they must be feeling when all these women are celebrating and they are not allowed to participate just because their husband is dead. It's a very cruel joke played on them by society. I am not saying that married women should not express their love or should not celebrate just because few widows are around, rather everyone should have the right to express their love and respect for their partner. Why not include all women and men in these types of celebrations? If necessary, change the format of the festival and make it inclusive where all (irrespective of their gender or marital status) can express love for their partner (living or dead it shouldn't matter). If it's about love and dedication then does it matter if the partner is alive or not, male or female, married or not?

Look at the festivals in the USA like Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Valentine's Day, where everyone can participate and there are no age, gender, or marital status restrictions. I know this is for marketing purposes, but at least they are open to all. Why can't we take this aspect of these festivals and include it in all festivals in India? We are copying many other unwanted things from the West so why not take some good things also. But I know that it's not easy to change these rituals and many people may not like my comments and suggestions. They will label this post as one more attempt to bring the issue of gender equality and criticize grand old traditions. I don't care about all this criticism but I feel festivals like these encourage gender discrimination and start instilling feelings of inferiority in women from a young age and we need to stop this.

 Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Links:
1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karva_Chauth
2. http://hinduism.about.com/od/festivalsholidays/p/karwachauth.htm
3. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome 
4. Karva Chauth...is it only about love? (link for more or less same article published on blog in Nov 2012)

Can constructive criticism be considered as an insult?

Can raising a question about some traditions be called an insult? Can constructive criticism be considered an insult? Can objecting to the views or opinions of some famous persons be considered an insult? Is constructive criticism really an insult? I am asking this because some people who claim to be ardent fans, devotees, or followers of some famous personalities like Chanakya or ISKON founder Prabhupad or followers of any particular religion or cult movement, objected to my questioning of some of these people's views and my criticism of traditions or rituals. They all believe that just criticizing someone's views or objecting to their statements can be counted as an insult, they don't seem to believe in constructive criticism. I am also an admirer of Chanakya for his views related to topics like governance and economics but I do not agree with his views about women, that's why I wrote a blog post about it. I also clearly expressed my opinion about Prabhupada and his sectarian views, especially about his misleading book, Gita as it is, in which he claims to explain the Bhagavad Gita as it is. These two posts along with some other posts related to women suppression and gender equality attracted a lot of such criticism.

Freedom to ask questions is a very important characteristic of any liberal and progressive society. Most of the ancient books or scriptures that people think are divine and even worship were written because there was freedom to express new things contrary to established beliefs. Constructive criticism is also very necessary for the progress of any society or culture but if it's not taken in the right spirit it can be misunderstood as an insult and can create problems. There is a huge difference between criticism and insult. Criticism, especially constructive criticism, is offered to improve things and insult is used to demean things for no reason. Some people are just not comfortable with the idea of old traditions being questioned, or views of some big names being criticized, they just reject these things. Instead of thinking about the objections or questions which are raised they just try to attack the questioner. They try their best to silence the voice of a person raising the question rather than trying to answer it. They do this because they find it easy to silence the person rather than trying to answer difficult or uncomfortable questions. Every religion has a dark spot in their history, rather than accepting these things and acknowledging their mistake they all just try to downplay it, justify it, or even deny it. This is what leads to confrontation and more questioning. Because of this attitude, I am labeled as anti-Hindu, anti-religion, or anti-Indian and what not, it seems if you raise an objection about anything (let's call it X) you are X hater or you are anti-X, there is no middle path for these people.

Respect doesn't mean keeping silent even if you see something wrong is going on. Just because something was practiced for centuries (traditions or rituals) doesn't mean it was right. We should not accept anything blindly just to show respect to some tradition or because it was said by someone great person. Such behavior to show respect is a very narrow and timid definition of respect. Seniority should be respected as much as it needs to be, following age-old ways of showing respect are really superficial (like standing every time someone senior enters the room or tolerating their improper behavior just because they are senior, etc.). Such things need to go. Everyone should understand that questioning is not an insult, it should be done properly and it is a sign of a healthy society. Everyone should have the right to raise objections to anything that they believe is not right. In true democracy, every voice counts so it should be heard. Forbidding questioning is like forbidding progress and I don't think any culture or society can evolve by discouraging people who want to object or think differently. Let's keep our gates open for new questions, new doubts, and new challenges, this will take us to new heights and will bring a lot of new ideas and new solutions. Please remember that knowledge is not stagnant it's a continuous and endless process and questioning is an integral part of it. Nothing is sacred in the process of generating knowledge, everything is open for discussion and debate. Once we understand this then people will realize the potential and power of questioning and constructive criticism, until then let's try our best to keep on asking questions.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Links:
1. Chanakya and his views about women 
2. Bhagadvad Gita-As it is or As it is NOT..Part-I
3. Bhagadvad Gita-As it is or As it is NOT- Part-II