During one of our discussions related to the subject of patriarchy, my daughter, Sara said that I should be aware of and acknowledge the benefits and advantages offered to me by this system to understand the real difference between the struggles of a man and a woman in any society. The discussion was especially related to Indian society because of some of her own experiences during her recent visit to India. Sara had a valid point. I have been fighting against patriarchal traditions since I became aware of their discriminatory nature, but I never openly acknowledged the benefits conferred on me by the culture of patriarchy. Sara's comment made me look back at my life and recognize some of the advantages and privileges offered to me just for being a man. This post is to acknowledge some of those privileges and show the terrible nature of this system where half of the population is systematically discriminated against and suppressed, and it is done with so much sophistication that most who get these privileges don't realize that they get an unfair advantage and those who get suppressed also don't realize that they are being mistreated or suppressed.
The string of privileges started at the time I was born. I was told that my birth was celebrated by not only my parents but by the entire family (my parents used to live in a joint family back then). The reason, I was the first boy born after six or seven girls, so it seems there was some sort of gloomy atmosphere within the family due to the birth of only girls and my family thought my birth would change this trend. The problem with this is that if it had happened the reverse way it would not have been celebrated or even deserved to be mentioned (a girl being born after seven boys with the hope that now more girls will follow).
Second, this is about my skin color. I have the darkest tone in my family, my two brothers have a fairer tone than me. This was never an issue for me, but I remember that many people mentioned in front of me to my mom that she was lucky that I was a boy with dark skin, imagine a girl with my skin tone. According to many people, it would have been a nightmare for my parents to find a good match for me if I had been a girl. I never felt bad or inferior because of my appearance or skin color in my life even though I was reminded about it on countless occasions, but I realize that the big part of this immunity was because of my gender. India's obsession with fair skin is well known, products like Fair and Lovely or Fair and Handsome blatantly display this racist mindset, but I did not get affected due to this mainly because I was a boy, what a privilege to have.
Third, I never faced any sexual harassment or assault and I am dead serious about this privilege. Many might think that I am exaggerating by claiming that every girl goes through such harassment, but based on my personal experience I have seen that getting taunted, sexually harassed in various ways, and things like eve-teasing was a daily ritual for most females irrespective of their age. I never went through it, but this definitely saved me from the trauma and agony of dealing with such experiences daily. It's not that boys don't get sexually harassed, but in most societies, victims of such harassment are disproportionately females.
Fourth, my education was not discontinued for being perceived as a waste of money like it was done for all my sisters. The rationale behind this was, that a girl will anyway one day go to someone else's house, so why waste money on her education, rather than save that money for her dowry and marriage. I did not have to face this challenge to justify the expenditure for my education.
Fifth, I was allowed to go to late-night parties and remain outside of the home for an extended amount of time. This is a normal part of college life, this is how we form friendships, and create some of the memorable moments. There were very few restrictions imposed on me because I was a boy, girls were not allowed similar freedom, not even close. As a boy, there was no social stigma if I smoked, chewed tobacco, or even drank alcohol. I agree it was not encouraged, and kids get punished if get caught. I never indulged in any of these things, but I had the choice, people were OK if boys did such things, but for girls, forget about it.
Sixth, even though it was limited, I had a choice to reject marriage proposals. Yes, no matter how ridiculous it sounds, it's true. The system of arranged marriage used to be heavily biased in favor of boys, but slowly it's changing. However, at the time when I got married, and especially in the northern parts of India, if at all anyone had a choice it was the boy who could reject the girl, not the other way around.
Seventh, my wife was supposed to obey me just because I was her husband. Girls used to be trained to be obedient wives, but similar training was not offered to boys (to be obedient husbands). My wife has to face all the brainwashing and conditioning where girls got trained about their so-called duties and roles, not me, why, simply, just because I was a boy.
Eighth, I don't have to change my last name due to marriage. A big advantage that many men don't even recognize. Even today, if anyone has to change the name it's the wife, not the husband, the reason, patriarchy.
Ninth, my name was used as my kid's middle name. This is the flip side of the advantage of keeping your name after marriage. The husband's name becomes a family name or middle name, another systematically discriminative tradition that patriarchy has created to favor males.
Tenth, family inheritance is guaranteed for me just because I am a man, both, by law and by social tradition which is more powerful than the law. Technically, Indian law gives equal rights to sons and daughters, however, practically, most inheritance is passed ONLY through boys. Girls are not offered their share and they are also very hesitant to ask for it, even though it's their legal right. Patriarchy conditions many girls in such a way that they feel guilty even to ask for their legitimate, legal rights. They are made to feel greedy or selfish, but if it's a boy, then that right is not only automatically awarded, there is nothing wrong if they fight for it.
This list can go on and I can add many other things to it. Some people might argue that some of the listed things are not a privilege but part of the culture and tradition. But these are discriminatory traditions and once there is discrimination it doesn't matter how old these traditions are, they are biased. Once there is discrimination, there is a privileged party and there is a discriminated party, and the truth is that I was a privileged party just because of my gender. I need to recognize this privilege, no matter even if it dilutes some of my achievements. Thanks to Sara for flagging this out. I am against patriarchy for the privileges it conferred on me because of my gender, the system that suppressed almost 50% of the population just because of their gender cannot be a just system, no matter how old it is and from which culture it originated.
Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic.
Fifth, I was allowed to go to late-night parties and remain outside of the home for an extended amount of time. This is a normal part of college life, this is how we form friendships, and create some of the memorable moments. There were very few restrictions imposed on me because I was a boy, girls were not allowed similar freedom, not even close. As a boy, there was no social stigma if I smoked, chewed tobacco, or even drank alcohol. I agree it was not encouraged, and kids get punished if get caught. I never indulged in any of these things, but I had the choice, people were OK if boys did such things, but for girls, forget about it.
Sixth, even though it was limited, I had a choice to reject marriage proposals. Yes, no matter how ridiculous it sounds, it's true. The system of arranged marriage used to be heavily biased in favor of boys, but slowly it's changing. However, at the time when I got married, and especially in the northern parts of India, if at all anyone had a choice it was the boy who could reject the girl, not the other way around.
Seventh, my wife was supposed to obey me just because I was her husband. Girls used to be trained to be obedient wives, but similar training was not offered to boys (to be obedient husbands). My wife has to face all the brainwashing and conditioning where girls got trained about their so-called duties and roles, not me, why, simply, just because I was a boy.
Eighth, I don't have to change my last name due to marriage. A big advantage that many men don't even recognize. Even today, if anyone has to change the name it's the wife, not the husband, the reason, patriarchy.
Ninth, my name was used as my kid's middle name. This is the flip side of the advantage of keeping your name after marriage. The husband's name becomes a family name or middle name, another systematically discriminative tradition that patriarchy has created to favor males.
Tenth, family inheritance is guaranteed for me just because I am a man, both, by law and by social tradition which is more powerful than the law. Technically, Indian law gives equal rights to sons and daughters, however, practically, most inheritance is passed ONLY through boys. Girls are not offered their share and they are also very hesitant to ask for it, even though it's their legal right. Patriarchy conditions many girls in such a way that they feel guilty even to ask for their legitimate, legal rights. They are made to feel greedy or selfish, but if it's a boy, then that right is not only automatically awarded, there is nothing wrong if they fight for it.
This list can go on and I can add many other things to it. Some people might argue that some of the listed things are not a privilege but part of the culture and tradition. But these are discriminatory traditions and once there is discrimination it doesn't matter how old these traditions are, they are biased. Once there is discrimination, there is a privileged party and there is a discriminated party, and the truth is that I was a privileged party just because of my gender. I need to recognize this privilege, no matter even if it dilutes some of my achievements. Thanks to Sara for flagging this out. I am against patriarchy for the privileges it conferred on me because of my gender, the system that suppressed almost 50% of the population just because of their gender cannot be a just system, no matter how old it is and from which culture it originated.
Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic.
