In Search of Love

Love and hate are universal emotions found across the animal kingdom. Their expressions may differ from species to species, but both emotions are deeply ingrained in the fabric of life. Humans are no exception. Yet, despite all our intellect and progress, humanity has never mastered the art of finding love.

Over time, we have tried to channel this powerful emotion through institutions like family and marriage, constructs designed to give love a stable, socially acceptable form. But while these structures can provide companionship or social order, they do not guarantee love. At best, they offer the security of togetherness; at worst, they create emotional prisons where people cohabit without affection or understanding. There are countless homes where people live under the same roof but remain emotionally estranged. This is why people continue to search for love, even while seemingly having everything that society says they should.

Why does love remain so elusive? Why can’t we always find it within our families or marriages? The answer often lies in the absence of gratitude, compassion, and respect, the very essence of love. Ironically, people who live closest to one another can be the most hurtful. They see each other’s best and worst moments, but often fixate on the flaws. Over time, empathy fades, and emotional manipulation replaces care. When one partner becomes the constant target of control or neglect, any affection that remains is not love; it’s emotional conditioning, sometimes resembling Stockholm syndrome.

Love cannot be manufactured by rituals or sustained by duty. It flourishes only where people genuinely care, respect, and try to understand each other. Yet our societies measure relationships not by emotional depth but by adherence to tradition and its length. Those who do not conform, people who choose to live single, pursue unconventional partnerships, or reject societal templates, are often judged as incomplete or abnormal. Their happiness is questioned simply because it doesn’t fit within the accepted framework of family or marriage.

Although modern societies are slowly opening up to nontraditional relationships such as live-in partnerships, the pressure to conform to conventional routes remains immense. People continue to marry not always out of love, but out of fear, fear of judgment, loneliness, or social rejection. And so, even within these well-defined systems, the search for love goes on.

True love is rooted in compassion, gratitude, and respect; it cannot be institutionalized. It cannot be bought, forced, or guaranteed by law. It must be nurtured freely, beyond the boundaries of tradition and expectation. Until we learn to value love for its essence rather than its form, humanity’s search for it will never end. 

Thank you for reading. Please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved. Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

Toxic relationships

Humans are social animals. We all crave social belonging, validation, love, and support. Our relationships fulfill part of these needs that's why they are important. We have biological relationships that we don't choose, this is a set of relatives that we get because of our biological connections. And we have social relationships like friends and colleagues that we develop on our own. Both these relationships play a vital part in our development and growth as a person. Trust is one of the essential ingredients that makes any relationship special, without trust no relationship lasts long and can be called a reliable relationship. However, not all relationships help us to thrive and flourish, some become toxic over a period of time. Toxic relationships make us feel suffocated, they take a severe toll on our mental health. Actually, no one wants to be in a toxic relationship, but sometimes, things are not in our hands, they depend a lot on how the next person behaves. Also, it is hard to get out of some toxic relationships depending on the length and complexity of these relationships. It is also tragic, that some relationships that are supposed to be full of love and care, like between parent and child, and relationships between siblings, and spouses, become toxic leaving a permanent scar on our minds.  

If we don't take the necessary steps either to repair our toxic relationships or get out of them, they can mess up our mental health. Most of the time, by the time any relationship becomes toxic, it is beyond the scope of revival, the best way at this point is to part ways amicably and move on. It is not easy, and it may be a painful process to part ways, especially if the relationship has been long and intimate, but the pain of separation is better than daily exposure to the toxic environment of that relationship. The toxicity of any relationship does not only affect our own mental health, but it may also affect our relationships with others. It may alter our personality in some undesired way that we push people away who care for us. Therefore, if you find yourself in a toxic relationship, start working towards coming out of it as soon as you can. Get all the help you need to analyze the situation and take the necessary steps. Ideally, this work should start much before the relationship becomes so toxic that you need to come out of it, but it is better to be late than never. It is a sad reality that some people refuse to change, they refuse to see that the other person is suffering because of their lack of empathy and understanding. Many times, there is nothing much to say or do once we give our best and still don't see any improvement. Coming out of a toxic relationship may allow us to cherish any beautiful moments that the relationship might have had. While remaining in it at the cost of our mental well-being ruins everything forever. Don't allow anyone to demean you, don't allow anyone to exploit you, don't allow anyone to take undue advantage of your kindness, don't allow anyone to take you for granted, don't allow anyone to violate your personal boundaries, and don't allow anyone to force you to be in any relationship. Take control of your own life. Toxic relationships only benefit the person who creates that toxicity, therefore, the sooner you take steps better for you. Stay safe and stay away from toxic relationships. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

Why there is a need for special days like Mother's day in today's world?

Recently Mother's Day was celebrated in the US and surprisingly also in India (at least on Facebook). There was no such concept of any such day when I was growing up as a kid in India. But now this tradition is spreading fast all over the world. Many of these days are commercialized events, many businesses and local shops depend on these days for bumper business. There is nothing wrong with celebrating any of these days, rather I believe that these days are becoming so popular because there is a genuine need and demand for them in today's market. The very hectic, busy, and stressful lifestyle in today's world leaves very little time for many people to spend with their loved ones, somewhere they feel guilty for not being able to do justice to their various relationships. For all these people such days provide an opportunity to make up for lost time and also give them a chance to acknowledge the presence and importance of that particular person in their lives. Most people's day-to-day life is getting incredibly busy, they are constantly connected to something on the internet all the time, then there is TV, work, and other distractions. Many times some relationships get lost among all this business, especially if we live apart from those people. These special days are like an opportunity to pause and recognize the contribution of some of these people in our lives, this is the positive side of these events. But there is a negative side also, many these days are heavily commercialized, so heavily that chances are there that if people find that you don't celebrate them they might consider you as a heartless or emotionless person!

Personally, I don't celebrate any of these days (Father's or Mothers' or Valentine's, etc.) not because I don't like them or I don't believe in them, but because I don't feel the need to celebrate them. So far, I always tried to give enough time to all my friends and relatives whenever they are around me. For the last decade or so I have been staying away from my parents. The first time I left my house and city was to come to the US, so one can imagine how hard it would have been for both of us, me and my parents. Like everyone else I also think that I have a very special relationship with my parents and it has definitely evolved over time. If they are in Pune (my birth city in India, where my family resides) we talk every weekend for at least for couple of hours. For me, all those weekends are like Father's and Mother's Day combined (let's call it Parent's Day). I celebrate parent's day with them every time I talk with them, we talk about various issues, and incidents from the past, and we even gossip about various things. Occasionally there are some heated discussions also, but I think that's the part of any relationship. Because of all this so far I never felt any need to wait for some special day to express my feelings towards my parents. I try to do it on a regular basis, but I do understand the need for people to have special occasions to celebrate every relationship in a special way. This is a need created by super-intelligent market in people's minds. It is impressive the way marketing tricks work on people's minds (including my own). It is interesting to see how a market captures a certain emotion and then develops some product or event around it and uses a very sophisticated and intelligent campaign to create a feeling of genuine need for that product or event. It is amazing to see how this all works and how they use various human emotions to target their customers. If we can ignore the heavy commercialization aspect of many of these special days, then we have to acknowledge that these days do mean something special for many people and I respect that. Yes, motherhood and mother's love need to be celebrated, so is father's love, so are friendships, so is the love and presence of your grandparents, and so is your partner's love and dedication. The list is not comprehensive but all these relationships are important and should be celebrated. If these days give this opportunity, there is nothing wrong with it, just grab it and do your best to express your feelings in whatever way you can. But let's also be genuine in our expressions, nowadays people focus so much on dramatization that it looks and sounds fake. Remember that forced obligation to express love and commitment is indication of brittle relationships. I have seen very strong and committed relationships between two people where they don't even feel the need to express their love or commitment. In the end, having genuine feelings is important, but how we express them depends on the people involved in thatrelationship, there is not one size fits all way to express our feelings. We don't have to subscribe to the ways that commercials related to these events recommend, we all can have our own ways to express our love and respect. Let's celebrate each and every relationship in whatever way we like, let's spread more love and kindness and make this world a better place.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Depression is real and it hurts, let's talk about it

Recently I watched this very interesting discussion on NDTV where famous Hindi movie actress Deepika Padukone and her mom discussed the problem of depression that Deepika faced very recently. In this discussion, they touched on various topics associated with mental health, including the huge stigma or taboo associated with discussing such issues openly in many societies. The stigma associated with any type of mental issues is so huge that not only society but the families and many times people themselves who suffer from such problems refuse to accept that there is any such problem and as a result, many people suffer silently. Depression is not uncommon, it is more common than we think. Most of us have to deal with it at some stage of our lives. I think depression and anxiety are two of the most common mental health issues that almost every one of us goes through the only difference is to what extent they affect our day-to-day life. Many of us live our entire lives trying to battle with these problems, we are so scared about what people might think about us that we don't even mention these issues to anyone, not even our close ones.

I think we need to accept one thing first, mental health-related issues like depression and anxiety are common, and they affect many people, so, it is better to acknowledge this and talk about them without any reservations. Today's high-pressure, fast, and somewhat isolated lifestyle has made all of us more prone to face these issues. It is not that people from previous generations never faced any such problems but maybe they never had proper platforms to discuss and debate any such issues, fortunately, we have such platforms and we should make good use of them. When I was in India I always thought that having a mental health issue meant something very shameful and one should try as much as possible to hide these things, this is what I was taught. I have seen many families (including my own) trying to hide any such issues even from people within the family because they think that if people know about this thing their family will get a bad reputation and society might look differently to all members of their family. This fear and concern is often reaffirmed by the very negative attitude of society towards mental health-related issues.  

Without proper knowledge of any issue, it is very dangerous to react just based on some common perceptions, this is what happens all the time in this case. Mental health issues are like any other health issue, people facing such issues need the same type of attention, support, and medical care that others facing any nonmental health problem. We don't consider people having flu or cold or cancer or diabetes or high blood pressure weird and crazy, we don't socially boycott them. We don't treat them with contempt or act like something is wrong with them, so, why do many of us react differently when we see someone who is going through depression or panic attacks or some other mental health issue? First of all, we need to remove this stigma, this is the biggest hurdle in dealing with this issue. Let's accept that we all (or most of us) face some degree of mental health issues, therefore, we all need to work towards getting rid of this stigma which has done more harm than good for our society. Sooner we learn to talk about mental health-related issues without any bias or prejudice better for all of us. Mental health issues are real and people suffering from it don't need prejudice, stigmatization, or sympathy. They need everyone's support, acceptance, and unbiased medical as well as social treatment. Let's hope that we as a society can come out of our own mental weakness and learn to accept that mental health issues are like other health issues, there is nothing special or weird about them.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Links:
1. 'I Felt Empty And Directionless': Deepika Padukone on Her Battle With Depression
2. Read The Heart-Wrenching Open Letter To Deepika Padukone

No one can have it all

In her recent interview, PepsiCo CEO Indra K Nooyi said "Women cannot have it all".  Actually, I don't know what she means by particularly mentioning women in this statement. Is she referring to work-family life balance? Did she mean that women with successful careers won't be considered as good wives or mothers? Or was she talking about the guilt factor that they cannot pay enough attention to their family, which troubles many women who work? Actually, who can have it all? Can men have it all? Can rich people have it all? Doesn't each one of us have to sacrifice something to get something in our life? 

In her interview, she also expressed some instances in her life when she felt that she was not being a good parent. She specifically mentioned her inability to attend coffee sessions which her daughter's school has especially for working women. I wonder if that school had similar coffee sessions for working dads? If not, why? If yes, then how many dads felt guilty for not attending it? Did she feel more guilty because as a woman and mother, she felt it was her duty (compared to her husband's) to attend these functions and cater to her kid's parenting needs? If this is so, then this begs the question of why it is expected only for moms to be more available for their kids, why can't dads be a primary caretaker parent? As a society aren't we mature enough to understand that parenting is not a gender-specific job. If a mom can be a CEO then dad can definitely attend to kid's needs. 

Another point that is worth considering is, why she felt guilty? She is a successful professional who achieved very commendable success in her professional field. Is she worried that as she is a woman people might judge her differently as a parent and will question her commitment towards her family because of her professional success? Isn't it common to feel guilty for not attending your child's school function or performance no matter whether you are a dad or a mom? Why does a working mom feel more guilty about these things compared to a working dad? The standards would be the same for both genders, one should not assume that men don't feel the same attachment towards their children as women feel, or that dads cannot take care of their kids as well as moms can. 

The truth is we all make some sacrifice in our lives for various reasons. We all get judged by society or by our friends and family in some way. There is always something that we miss, we always choose what we think is most important at that moment in life. Those choices can be right or wrong in retrospect, but we all make them thinking that we are making the right choice. Different people prioritize things differently, something that is important to me may not be important to someone else. Actually, no one can have it all. It doesn't matter whether women or men they all gain some things and lose some things during their personal and professional life. It is unfair to say that only women can't have it all. They are conditioned to feel more guilty compared to men and this discourages some women from committing fully to their professional life, but most men don't think twice before doing this. May be intention of Indra Nooyi was good but her statement conveys a wrong message. Choose the path that suits you the best, give your best effort, and then enjoy the journey, that's what matters the most. Men or women, no one can have it all, and like men women should not feel bad or guilty about it.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Are marriages made in heaven?

According to me, not at all. 

Marriages are decided on earth by humans; we make and break them. One can marry once or multiple times, or not marry at all. It is a personal choice and a legal matter. There is nothing divine either in marriage or human life; the first one is a legal contract, and the second one is a biological phenomenon. The human mind is very unsteady, and it tries to run from one place to another, so to reduce this instability in long-term relationships concept of marriage was introduced. Centuries ago, when societies were very conservative, social male-female interaction was very restricted and limited; females were allowed to interact with only males from their own family. This created a unique system of ‘arranged marriage’ where everything was decided by elders, and the bride and groom had very little say in their own marriage. I think this resulted in the belief that to whom you will get married is your destiny (because it is not in your hands), that’s why they say marriage is made in heaven. All the rituals, oaths, and celebrations associated with marriage are just to make us realize the importance of that relationship. Like any other relationship, marriage requires a lot of understanding and adjustment to make it successful. As society progresses (intellectually and materially) concept of marriage also evolves with time.

Marriage is a human-made concept and institution; there is nothing divine or spiritual about it, it's a partnership at a different level. It’s widely accepted in all societies and cultures. Therefore, most societies feel the need to respect and preserve it. In many societies, it helps in the smooth functioning of society, brings some stability to human relationships, and nurtures the concept of family. We are not yet completely successful in curbing our animal instincts, so most of us need these types of intuitions and laws to curb our animal instincts and have harmony in our social and personal lives. 

Traditionally concept of marriage was to allow the development of long-term relationships between a man and woman to create a family. But today, this definition is changing to a commitment to a long-term and honest relationship between two individuals. It is being debated whether these individuals need to be a man or a woman. According to me, marriage can be between any two individuals as long as both are willing to enter and honor the commitment. This is what I believe, and there can be different opinions on this, and I totally understand it. People are entitled to have their own opinions and express them in a democratic manner. If you think logically, then you might understand what I mean. I wonder how we can say that same-sex people can’t get married. Why not? If they are willing to enter into a long-term relationship and honor their commitment, why can't they get married? 

Our society was male-dominant for centuries, and marriage was also designed heavily to favor males, where all changes (name change, family change, loss of property rights, etc.) were forced on females. As wives, women's role was restricted to specific duties which were mainly related to household chores. Things are now changing very fast, but I think females suffered a lot because of unfairly biased rules, where they have to compromise so much just for the sake of a long-term relationship with a man to bring some stability in their lives.  

Marriage is also not an institution only designed to produce legitimate kids. Becoming a parent is a personal choice. It requires some maturity and capacity to bear the burden and responsibility of a parent. Everybody eligible to get married is not ready or eligible to become a parent, so marriage and parenthood are two different things, and we should not mix them together. Historically, both these things are linked, but I think we are mature enough to understand that these two things are separate and have nothing to do with each other.

I would like to end this post with one interesting quote: "You don’t really need someone to complete you. You only need someone to accept you completely".

Thanks for reading and don't forget to share your views and comments.

(Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing)