Unbelieving

We all have some beliefs or values. No matter how refined or rational we believe we are, we harbor some core beliefs. These beliefs are the results of our upbringing. Our family values, the religion that we are forced to accept without our informed consent, and our social and economic environment (our upbringing) all add various beliefs that shape our personality and thinking. The problem with these beliefs is that we adopt them first and then try to find every possible way to justify and defend them. That is, these beliefs or values are not well vetted, they are not evaluated before ingraining them into our system. Most of us, get them as a legacy from our environment and stick with them for the rest of our lives. If you don't believe me, just look around. How many people do you know changed the religion in which they were born? How many do you see who question the party or a leader they voted for? How many people do you see condemn the questionable behavior of their loved ones, especially their parents? How many people you see accept that they were wrong and are ready to correct (especially in politics)? Very few or none, right? It is interesting to note that people do this not because they are bad or weak, but because it is extremely difficult to unbelieve something you believe. 

Unbelieving is not easy and not many even think about it, it is that hard and uncommon. Also, note that unbelieving is not the same as unlearning. Unbelieving is scary, whereas unlearning is not. We unlearn something when we want to change our habits. Some of our beliefs could contribute to some of our habits, but it is not necessary, we harbor many beliefs that control our opinions and views without affecting our habits. To leave something we believed for long or accept that it was wrong sounds scary as many people think that changing their beliefs and values demolishes their core identity. No doubt, our beliefs and values constitute a core part of our identities, but this is why it is important to review and update them from time to time. I understand this because I have to go through a lot of unbelieving. I grew up in a very casteist, patriarchal, misogynist, and communal society. There were so many values associated with these ancient cultural aspects that were ingrained in my mind. I used to think in a particular way, used to look at people from different castes and religions in a particular way and had a very backward view about different genders. All this was challenged and tested when I read more, met with people from different regions and cultures, and finally when I immigrated to the US. It was not very comfortable to learn that I was wrong about so many things. I could have stuck with those dated values considering them as a part of my culture and tradition, many people offer this justification, so, this was an option available for me. However, when I saw that these things were wrong, no matter how old or from where I learned, I couldn't continue with them, I needed to unbeliever them and replace them with a secular and gender-unbiased set of values. These values are not also permanent, I need to test and evaluate them from time to time to confirm that they meet the high standards of humanity set by me. This is an ongoing and continuous process, that's what I call a personal evolution, it is a slow but continuous process. The first step in this process is to unbelieve everything that is outdated and biased, unbelieve everything that teaches us hate and discrimination. The Sooner we start this process, the better for us, as I said this is not easy, it is going to take time, so start as soon as you can if you have not already done so, and repeat this process regularly. We update our furniture and wardrobe regularly, so why not do the same with our values and beliefs.    

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

Gender equality and parenting

Parenting is a tough job. Ask any parent living in a nuclear family, and they will attest to how demanding this job is. Not only it's a 24/7 responsibility, but it is also a job where you yourself may become the biggest critic of your own performance. The job has become more challenging as families have become nuclear. In joint families, due to the presence of extra human power, there was more help and advice available for parents. It not only made their job physically less demanding but also reduced anxiety related to making mistakes as there used to be an ample dose of unsolicited parental advice. However, this is not to comment that joint families are any better than nuclear families or vice versa. Whether people want to live with their parents or siblings is entirely a personal choice, there are pros and cons for both arrangements, but the reality is that the world is moving towards a nuclear family structure. 

Another important aspect of today's parenting is increased gender equality compared to the parenting methods of the past. Even though it is true that our society is still heavily influenced by patriarchy, we have made tremendous progress toward gender equality, and today's parents practice a much more gender-neutral parenting approach compared to the parents of my generation. This has added challenges for parents like me who have to play a balancing act of challenging our own parent's values and beliefs while defending our gender-balanced approach to parenting. Let me accept that gender-equal parenting is not easy, especially when you come from a heavily gender-biased and patriarchal culture. People around you not only question your methods but also question your intelligence and sanity. It would have been fine if the questioning stopped at you, but it doesn't. These people question your kids, comment on their behavior, and taunt them for living a life with a different set of values than what the gender-biased society commands. In the beginning, this is worrisome and it puts a lot of pressure on parents. They question their own judgments. It is easier to subscribe to traditions and cultures than to question them, that's why most don't try to question them. Parents who dare to take a different path face a lot of uncertainty as there is no example within their own family or community that can assure them that their approach will work. Such parents often ask themselves, whether it is worth putting their kids through this and expect that the kids will be able to defend their values and remain committed to gender equality or cave into the pressures of patriarchy and family pressure. 

Despite all these anxieties and challenges, I feel gender-balanced or gender-neutral parenting is worth a shot. I don't regret it. Yes, the challenges are there, but the satisfaction that you did not become a hurdle in the life of your own child because of their gender trumps all challenges and uncertainties. Also, in this process, your own children teach you a lot about subtle gender discrimination that still remains within us. It is not always a pleasant experience to get exposed to our own biases and prejudices, especially, when we try hard to eliminate them, but it is necessary if you want to improve as a human being. If you are thinking about challenging gender stereotypes within your own family, culture, or society, please go for it, you may face many hurdles, but you won't regret your efforts.      

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

©Vinay Thakur,  Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com  

Simple doesn't mean it's easy

Being a responsible citizen is simple. Minding our own business and not interfering with others' private matters is simple. Being conscious of the difference between our needs and desires is simple. Respecting each other is simple. Not discriminating against people based on their gender, race, or any other characteristic is simple. The list of such simple things is very big, but the problem is many people struggle with these things. Being simple doesn't mean it's easy. There are many things that are straightforward and we all understand them clearly still we fail to follow them even if they can be really helpful for our and our society's good. We ignore the fact that simple things also might require a lot of effort, dedication, and commitment to bring them into practice. This careless attitude is the reason for the fact that even after acknowledging the relevance and importance of many of the above-mentioned things we fail to make them a habit.

Please recognize one truth, "just because something is simple doesn't mean it's easy." Once we understand this our mind should be prepared to make all the necessary efforts with all seriousness to take all the necessary steps required to inculcate many of those "simple" habits in our day-to-day life. These things are simple because they are easy to do, you don't need any specialized degree or strenuous physical work to practice them, they are simple not because they are easy to achieve. They do require the presence of common sense, a rational and balanced mind, and sincere efforts. If we lack any one of these or take them too casually we will be left wondering why and how we failed to learn such simple habits. 

First of all, why should we bother about such simple things? The answer is also very simple because those are the things that make our lives and the lives of others around us better and happier. These simple things show we care for each other and respect despite so many differences among us. These things make happy and progressive societies where all individuals are respected and free to pursue their goals. So, the takeaway from this post is, please don't take things lightly just because they look and sound simple, and please remember that "simple doesn't mean easy," you need to work hard to learn many simple things. 

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.