Effect of gender equality on relationships

Like our society, our personal relationships are also heavily influenced by patriarchal traditions. As feminist movements are pushing for more gender equality, it is bound to affect our personal relationships. Exploitation, domestic abuse, and toxic relationships are all results of gender inequality where one partner dominates and exploits another partner. Due to the patriarchal nature of our world in most of these cases victims of exploitation are females. 

Patriarchy is a default setting for all of us, we all are born in patriarchy, it is the system that has been prevalent in all cultures, societies, and countries for centuries. Generations have lived in patriarchy and there is a strong social, cultural, and religious culture that propagates it in various ways. We don't have to do anything special to propagate patriarchy, it exists around us, and we all become part of it as that's the culture we inherit in all societies. Individual families sometimes may differ, but even those families live in societies that are patriarchal. The patriarchal mindset has been challenged by the gender equality movement, also called feminism. Feminism has challenged gender discrimination at every level and in this process, it has also affected the dynamics of male-female relationships. For most men, it is not easy to live with a strong-minded and/or opinionated woman. Men not only feel threatened but also feel the loss of power and control of the relationship that they had for centuries. At the same time, it is a big challenge for women to find a partner who understands the changed dynamics and is comfortable with the situation that none of our previous generations encountered as far as male-female relationships are concerned. This is also why many men are hesitant to say that they are feminists, they mistakenly feel that they are subscribing to some ideology like communism or capitalism, they completely miss the point that feminism is not about any ideology but it is about gender equality, nothing more. 

When one partner shares his/her complaints and expresses what he/she expects the other partner to improve or do, this should be treated as an invitation to make that relationship stronger, not as a sign of a dysfunctional relationship. Ignoring this invitation is a sign of the dismissal of the other partner's feelings. Couples argue over many things, and the more candid the relationship more arguments as two reasonable people can have different views on many subjects. This is also why many couples go for counseling. There are increased rates of divorce not because couples are fighting more but because females are more aware of their needs and rights. The current generation of females is more financially independent than any other previous generations of females in the history of humankind. As females are getting more independent they are less tolerant of misogynist and patriarchal behavior. They object more and take firm stands, and they are not hesitant to walk out of a toxic relationship. This has resulted in more standoffs between couples, and I don't see this necessarily as a bad thing. Previously, females had no bargaining power in a relationship because of their financial dependence. Women were forced to stay in a relationship devoid of any love and respect just because there never used to be an option to leave. Feminism and financial independence have provided more independence for women, they don't have to be in a relationship where there is nothing but exploitation for them. The shift of bargaining power, increased financial independence, and the ability to walk away if the situation doesn't improve are three of the biggest effects of gender equality on relationships. 

Candid conversations in a relationship and expressing each other's concerns and complaints is a good thing. This is a sign of a functional and breathing relationship where partners are not silent over things that matter to them. As females are becoming more vocal, more debates happen in any balanced relationship. However, this exchange requires some amount of maturity and understanding from both sides. No one likes to have endless arguments and go in circles. When two people feel that they both are right and the other is wrong, there is a need for a third objective person who can help to decide which direction to move, hence therapy and counseling help in these situations. Even after seeking professional help and giving their best, if a couple can't find any common ground, then it is better to move on rather than stay together and resent each other. Expressing our complaints and what we need from our partner is not nagging or putting a strain on our relationship, rather it is an invitation to make that relationship stronger. If we can't accept this invitation then it is better to have an open discussion to see if there is any common ground or if both need to go in different directions. Not all things need to work, but at the same time, not all breakups need to be ugly and messy. Life is a beautiful gift from nature, if we can avoid resentment and grudge we should choose that path rather than moving on with bitterness. Respect disagreements, learn to listen and understand before you speak and counter, try to get an objective opinion before you conclude, and move on with a positive note before you slam the door shut. It may be hard to deal with gender equality but if you give it a chance you won't regret it.   

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur,  Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com   

Fear of being judged

Fear of being judged is a real fear among individuals. We fear being judged based on various parameters, some examples are being judged based on our gender, age, religion, nationality, education, job, sexual orientation, political views, marital or familial status. Getting judged based on our parenting or the way our kids perform is one of them. 

A survey of parents revealed that about 90% of mothers and 85% of fathers feel judged, and almost half of them feel judged all the time by people they know and even by complete strangers. This fear makes them try various things so that they can overcome feelings of their own insecurities and avoid being labeled as irresponsible parenting. Tiger parenting, free-range parenting, liberal parenting, conservative parenting, and whatnot, parents look in every direction and source to find some tips to raise successful kids. They all intend that their kids will become successful and be happy. However, in this process, parents don't realize that they are engineering the life of their child as per their own wishes and inclinations, they are shaping their child's thinking, even dictating choices based on their own prejudices, and for a considerable time, that child has no say in his or her own life. Parenting is complex, and these aspects make it more complex and confusing, this is one of the reasons why most parents choose the prescribed or most popular format, at least that format guarantees a certain outcome in most cases, a so-called successful child, who is going to have standard education and a well-paying job. 

So, how to deal with the fear of being judged? Well, you can't stop people from judging you, but you can stop your actions from being influenced by the fear of that judgment. It's not easy and in practice, no one accepts that their actions are influenced by what others will say, but in reality, they are. When in any society most people follow a certain pattern, it establishes certain norms. One can sense that these norms are based on the way certain behavior, let's call it a confirmative behavior, is rewarded and praised, and other behaviors not fitting in the set pattern, a non-confirmative behavior, is criticized or called a risky behavior. It is really up to individual parents how they want to parent their children. Every child is different, even between two siblings one cannot expect the same behavior even after being raised in the same household with the same parents, it is that uncertain, but as parents, we want to bring certainty as it comforts us. However, parents' desire to play safe, or have a certain outcome has resulted in homes becoming factories for raising standardized kids, who conform to their parent's desires and choices. Legally child labor is banned, but now school work and extracurricular activities have become a legal form of child labor, kids are forced to do these things to an extent their parents want them to do, it really doesn't matter whether the kids want or not. Therefore, it's really up to parents to notice what they are doing as kids have very little say in all this, there are risks associated with every parenting style as nothing guarantees the desired outcome, but at least parents can choose not to be a dictator but be a facilitator. Let's be a facilitator as much as we can because no matter how good, dictatorship is after all a dictatorship with no freedom for a non-dictating party and our kids do deserve the freedom to be themselves, not our own shadows or not what we can't become but wanted to become.

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Civility- It's not too much to ask for

Civility is about respect and courteous behavior towards others. In today's world, it not only applies to our immediate surroundings like home, and office, but also to social media or the virtual world where most of us spend considerable time interacting with others. During any discussion or argument, all it takes just one person acting rudely to poison the atmosphere. If allowed to continue or ignored, bad behavior of one person could impact the behavior of an entire group which might result in bullying or harassment of certain individuals or groups. If you scan atmosphere on the social media or even some social gatherings where people are prone to discuss politics or religion you will realize that civility is becoming increasingly rare. People are not only becoming aggressive about pushing their own opinions on others but they are becoming rude and openly disrespectful towards each other. Is civility too much to ask for?

In any group, society, or country it is normal to have different opinions, some opinions can be radically different from each other. Some of these opinions might be against the beliefs of the majority, might even sound disgusting to some of us, or challenge some of our core beliefs but even after all this, such opinions need to be given space so that they can be a part of debates and discussions. Suppressing any opinion or view does not make it go away, rather, if suppressed, it can take the form of an underground movement and we may never know when it might end. Therefore, civility is important during any interaction, personal or public. Civility ensures a healthy environment for interaction, it allows for the exchange of ideas and a chance to understand each other without being judgemental from the beginning. Personally, I started pointing at people whenever they crossed the line and started acting like a bully during any discussion, many don't like it, but I feel the necessity of doing it. So, please remember whenever you are part of any discussion check if it is being conducted in a civil manner where each and every member is encouraged to share their view, whether proper space is provided for alternate views or they are shouted and shut down. Ask yourself, am I acting in a civil manner, please remember, rudeness is contagious, but so is civility.

Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic.