Sibling rivalry

Having siblings comes with its own pros and cons. The good part is that you always have someone to talk to and someone to look for support whenever you need it. On the other hand, you have to share almost everything with your siblings up to a particular age, you have someone nagging you all the time, and there is no way to escape this person even if you want to. Hence there is a popular phrase "sibling rivalry," even though siblings are not supposed to be rivals of each other. It is true that most sibling relationships go through a very volatile phase, this phase mostly starts in their teens and continues in their twenties, and then slowly things cool off and settle to bring some normalcy to their relationship. How strong the sibling bond remains largely depends on how tremulous was that volatile phase and how long it takes to cool things off. Another thing that complicated this is that most siblings are not good communicators with each other no matter how articulative and patient they are otherwise. One can easily notice the anger and contempt for no reason when siblings are having an argument with each other, these feelings are not with malice or any other bad intentions but they are there. Too much proximity and continuous presence in each other's life generates some unwanted and unavoidable hostility towards each other. Sibling rivalry is no fun either for siblings or parents, but it is an unavoidable phase of their lives that is impossible to escape, therefore, it is better to learn some valuable lessons from it. This rivalry only results in some positive results when siblings use it for healthy competition and get motivated by each other. It does reach to this stage in many cases but not without its own struggles. 

Can parents help? Not much. Parents are not the reasons for this problem and they can do little to resolve it. Even the forceful use of parental authority that most parents use when they run out of ideas is of little use in this case. Parents can definitely help by not making things worse by comparing siblings with each other and they should make sure that things don't get out of control and get physical, but beyond that, it is the siblings themselves who can resolve whatever issues they have. Acting as a mediator can be an option but most parents don't give enough time to develop such a relationship with their child where they can have candid conversations about various issues their child is facing, hence this option is not available for most parents. As mentioned earlier, things largely depend on how and when things cool off. Arguments and friction are unavoidable, but one thing that siblings don't do with each other which they do in their other relationships like their friendships is that they don't offer the same benefit of the doubt to their siblings that they offer to their friends. 

Siblings can be a great support to each other and this relationship should not be taken for granted just because this is a family-originated bond. Siblings must put some effort and invest quality time in building this relationship as they do with any other relationship. Like any other relationship, this also goes through its own ups and downs, and if not given the attention it requires can disintegrate and get damaged beyond repair. However, there is no need for parents to panic, keep an eye and don't get involved too much, there is no need for firefighters if there is no fire. Siblings should be able to sort out all the issues on their own with little help from their parents. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com 

Whose scorecard are you using?

Do we really need any scorecard to evaluate our lives? Not really, but we all use one. It is inevitable to review and judge our personal and professional lives using some parameters or scorecards. The problem is we all use the scorecard handed over to us by either our parents, friends, family, religion, or society. We are told what it means to be a successful person. Some common items of that scorecard are a degree from a reputable college/university, a high-paying job in a reputed company, a nice home, and a car, even better if you have a private jet, a loving family with kids (better if they are biological), regular vacations at exotic locations, and early retirement. These are just a few parameters ingrained in our minds to evaluate a successful person. The question is not whether these parameters are right or wrong, or whether we should judge our lives based on these parameters, but whether these parameters are selected by us or by someone else. There is nothing wrong with desiring things prescribed for a successful person by the media or society if that's what we want. However, the question is do we really want them? It would be really odd if everyone in any society wanted to live their life based on one standard scorecard. Humans are complex animals and it is impossible for all of us to desire the same things unless we all are brainwashed. We all should have our own scorecard to live a more balanced and fulfilled life. But the problem is we are not taught to develop our own scorecard. Neither our family nor education teaches us to do that. We are given examples of previously successful people are are told to idolize them. The result is most of us either have no clue how to develop our own scorecard or adopt a scorecard handed to us as our own and evaluate our lives. Once we fail to develop our own scorecard, we may score high on the one we are using but still feel empty or unhappy from inside and keep wondering why are we not feeling the happiness and fulfillment that we are supposed to feel. The reason may be that what we chased we never wanted in the first place, it's like running in the wrong race and after winning not being happy with the award. Everyone has to climb their own Everest, my challenges, difficulties, and limitations are different than most around me, I cannot judge my success or failure based on someone else. Similarly, everyone needs to have their own scorecard, other's scorecards can be used as a template but ultimately we need to come up with our own. Only and only a scorecard prepared by us by carefully analyzing our goals and limitations will do justice to measuring our success and failure. 

We all have our outer success, based on the parameters that society, our family, and other people around us value, and our inner success, this what we feel based on our own desires and passions. Most of us care a lot about outer success because that's what we are made to believe to be a universal parameter to measure success. However, only we know what defines and matters for our inner success, it may or may not include all or any of the parameters set by others defining everyone's outer success, this is why I am emphasizing preparing our own scorecard and evaluating our life based on that not based on some standard template. So, whenever you feel frustrated, feel that you are a failure, or going through a low phase in your life, don't forget to ask, whose scorecard are you using?    

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com 

Don't overuse of guilt in parenting

"This is what I get for all my hard work and sacrifices." "you are lucky to have food on your plate, many kids are sleeping hungry as we talk now." "You should be grateful that you don't have to walk barefoot like me to school, you at least have shoes, stop whining about that branded shoe." "I am working my ass off so that you can go to college and all you do is stay on your phone and party." We have heard someone saying some of these things or said some of these things ourselves to our children. Language and the wording may differ, but the gist remains the same, parents want their kids to realize how lucky their kids are compared to many other kids. Almost every parent gets frustrated at some point and uses such language in an attempt to make aware their kids of their privileges. 

Parenting can be frustrating and inducing a feeling of guilt often finds its way into parenting. Parents want their kids to be aware of how much hard work they are putting in as a parent. Parents want their kids to see what's at stake, and consciously and unconsciously they induce the feeling in their kids that kids are not doing enough. The intention of parents is to motivate their kids to work harder and be more focused. Parents feel this will help kids to become successful and avoid failures. However, this method backfires most of the time. Apart from guilt, kids start feeling shame and feel that their parent's love is conditional on them being successful. It is a not good feeling for any kid to know that their parents love them more when they are successful. Even though this is not what most parents intend, this is what their behavior conveys to their kids. And once our behavior speaks for itself, it really doesn't matter what our intent is or what we said if these things don't match with our behavior.

Even though it is important to make our kids aware of the various privileges they have so that they value them and act with compassion toward others who don't have the same privileges. It is not productive to make them feel inferior by inducing a feeling of guilt by their own parents. There is a difference between encouragement and bully parenting. Parents do have expectations from their kids. Many parents see their kids as a way to fulfill their own unfulfilled dreams. Many try to push their kids on career paths that they feel are safe and rewarding without checking what their kids may want to do. Most of the time this so-called guidance starts so early in life that many kids don't even develop any ability to think about what they want. The result is that many parents express their frustration to their kids from time to time for not fulfilling their expectations. Parent's concerns towards their kids are valid and well-intended. However, trying to guilt them is not the way to develop a healthy relationship with them. It is important to make kids realize their privileges, and it is important to provide them relevant information to make informed decisions. However, this does not mean making decisions for them, choosing careers for them, or spoon-feeding them so much that they can't think independently. And being a parent does not definitely mean creating a photocopy of ourselves. Our kids are independent entities, they need to have their own dreams and values, and as parents, we should be prepared to accept their independence and freedom to choose. 

Please don't overuse guilt. It is not the fault of your kids that they are more privileged than you. It is necessary to make them aware of their privileges but don't make them feel ashamed about it. It is okay to talk about your onw struggles as a child but harping about it every time doesn't help at all. Trust your child's judgment, they are not as naive as you think. It is not enough as a parent just to love your kids but it is also important accept them for who they are and what they want to be. And finally, don't make your love appear conditional on them being successful. The truth is that it is hard to find unconditional love, even parents' love is conditional, but at least don't make it so obvious. Happy parenting.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

How to deal with our fears

Fear is not something people like to discuss. It is a taboo subject for a public conversation. Most people prefer to project themselves as a fearless person. Even with social media where people share so much, people do not want to accept that they have fears, comfortable in sharing their vulnerabilities, and discuss how to deal with them. It seems to have any fear is considered a sign of weakness and strong people must be devoid of any fears. So, is it really so bad to have any fear, and if you do have any fear or fears then what to do? 

I have no hesitation in accepting that I am not a fearless person. I have some fears that I cannot get rid of, no matter how much I try. According to me, fear is an emotion like any other emotion and it is one of the reasons for our existence on this planet. Our ancestors were fearful of many things and that's why they survived many hostile and dangerous situations that many fearless creatures didn't. So, it is natural and humane to be fearful. There is a reason why our evolution didn't get rid of this emotion. However, it is not good to be overburdened by our fears all the time. This overburdening of fearfulness can either debilitate us or affect our personal and professional lives in a bad way. However, if we use our fears as energy, then it can fuel our actions to deal with them. I can't get rid of all my fears as it is impossible for me to do it. The more I try the more they persist. To avoid this consuming and tiring exercise of getting rid of all my fears, I try to walk with my fears that I cannot get rid of and use them as checkpoints or motivators to do something better. I have some fears that accompany me, but none of them hinder my day-to-day life, many of them protect me from doing things that may hurt me. By being aware of my fears, I do not allow them to walk ahead of me but let them walk behind me and use them to fuel my actions. I try to use them as a shield rather than treating them as my enemies. For example, when I am fearful of making a decision I do extra scrutiny and try to get more information before taking that decision; when I am fearful of my prejudices, I check my statements and behavior more often to make sure I am not falling to prey to propaganda; and when I am fearful of failure or committing a mistake, I tell myself that failures and mistakes are part of our lives and it is important to learn our lesson from them and move on.

Even though people prefer to project themselves as a fearless person one can see that they are actually fearful inside. Especially, in today's world we can see people's fears even when they try to mask them cleverly. Hate politics is one such example. All these so-called tough and fearless people openly use fear to fuel hate among their supporters. These leaders create fictitious enemies to cultivate feelings of fear and use this fear to instill hate. This is an ideal example of the misuse of fear for political rewards. It is true, that fear and the resulting hate have been a potent political weapon for years that's why I am not talking just about today's polarized political climate but I am talking about the politics of hate in general. 

Having fear does not make us weak, similarly, being fearless doesn't make us strong. Having fear is not bad, allow your fear to come in, remember, the more you resist the more it persists. Allow your fear to come in, but do not allow it to lead, keep it as a companion. Fear is a form of energy that we can use either for our benefit or detriment, the choice is ours. We can allow them to walk behind or with us as our companions and use them whenever necessary to take some protective steps or we can allow them to overpower us and dictate our every action. The choice is ours because the fear is ours.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

How to become a perfect parent?

I am sure you found the title of this post interesting, and the title might be the only reason you are reading this. I am a parent of two kids who are now in their twenties. I can tell you from experience that parenting is a tough job. No parent knows that frustration and failures would be an integral part of this job before becoming a parent. They struggle, find it hard to deal with their kids, and try to seek advice from various places thinking that others must have figured this out. Many parents of young kids come to me and my wife for parenting advice and they think we must have figured this thing out. Let me clear one misunderstanding first, there is nothing like a perfect parent, they don't exist. Every parent makes mistakes and they struggle a lot. As a parent, we lose our patience, yell at our kids, get frustrated, say things we don't really mean, and regret later on, get too busy, and miss some school functions or meetings, the list can go on but I think you get my point. So, even though there is nothing like a perfect parent, each parent can improve based on their interactions with their kids and can try to be a better parent. As there is no perfect parent, there is also no perfect kid. Both, parents and kids, are learning from each other. This is the key to parenting, learning from each of our mistakes, and learning from our kids. Our kids tell us something valuable during each argument, each unpleasant or pleasant interaction, and don't miss that lesson.

Restarting the conversation is one essential technique every parent must know. Especially, after having a heated argument it is not easy to restart the conversation on a positive or normal note. A very common mistake parents make is to restart in a condescending manner. They want to tell their child how fortunate the kids are compared to them to have all the privileges and freedom. Once you start on the wrong foot, it really doesn't matter what you say afterward, your child is not going to tune in to that conversation and your good intentions really don't matter at this point. In most cases, the next generation has more privileges and freedoms compared to the previous generation. So, our kids having the same is not a big deal, it's not their fault, and as a parent, we should not use this against them, especially, when they are most vulnerable. A parent must restart the conversation on a positive note treating their child as an equal, condescending tone is not going to help at all. Also remember that as a parent we always have an upper hand as kids depend on us, we should not use this advantage as an opportunity to preach on every occasion. Of course, they will listen, not because they want to, but because they have to. This is the one thing that has helped me the most, after every argument, I always go back and talk to my kids. I don't wait for them to come to me, I go to them. I want to understand their side, if they are not willing to talk at that moment, I come back later, but I never avoid an opportunity to listen to them. My doors are open whenever they are ready. Restarting while addressing unresolved issues is not easy that's why most parents avoid it, they pretend nothing happened. As a parent we try our best, we put our child's interests before us, at least that's what we feel we are doing, therefore, it is not easy to apologize to our child or to digest when our child calls us the worst parent of the world or says some other nasty thing. It is easy not to talk about such incidents or act as if nothing happened, but this doesn't help much. As parents, we need to acknowledge our mistakes explain our side to our children, and also try to understand their side and acknowledge their difficulties and struggles. Believe me, kids don't have an easy life, their struggles are as difficult as ours and are more complicated. As a parent, we should not be adding to their difficulties but try to help them to navigate through their difficulties. 

Another common mistake most parents make is that based on their own life experiences they think they know better than their kids. This may be true in certain situations but in most cases, our experience is useless for our kids. The generation gap is a real thing, and every parent needs to be aware of that gap. Our experiences belong to a certain time and era, and the lessons might be relevant, but our kids face completely different situations and challenges, and parents must try to understand these situations before going into their preaching mode. Don't be under foolish arrogance that just because you are older you are wiser than your kids, this is not going to help you in building a strong bond with your child. Your child will think that you are a jerk. So, be mindful when you undermine your child's views just because according to you they are young and immature. 

Parenting is tough but so is growing up. When we struggle as a parent to keep up with our children, our children also struggle to keep up with us. Parents should not undermine the struggles of their children just because they are finding it hard to juggle their own responsibilities. As a parent, if you need help, your kids can be a good source for that help, provided you sincerely seek that help. The parent's job is not only to love their child but also to trust them and give them freedom of choice. Give your kids a chance to help you and believe me you won't be disappointed. We can't become perfect parents, but we definitely can become better parents compared to yesterday. To become a better parent we need honest and unfiltered feedback and there is no better person than our child to get this feedback. Remember, every child acknowledges their parent's contributions at some point, they may even call us the best parents in the world, we better earn that praise rather than our child saying it just because everyone says it. Happy parenting.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

How did we get there?

My last post was about the effect of negative politics. Our society is getting increasingly siloed and polarized, that too in an era where information is available at our fingertips and we can connect with almost anyone, anywhere in the world who has access to the internet connection. How come we are so disconnected from each other when there are so many social media platforms available. We all need to ask at least one question to ourselves; how did we get there? 

Until recently, diversity was a desirable trait to have in our society. Initially, immigration was encouraged for cheap labor, but it resulted in bringing diversity to that society and such societies immensely benefitted from this phenomenon. Then, how come suddenly diversity became a bad thing? I feel we are convoluting diversity with threat, we are getting paranoid about our own perceived identities assuming that human culture is static and needs to be preserved from destruction. Anything different than our beliefs, culture, or political ideology is perceived as a threat rather than an opportunity to engage in conversation and learn something new. We are convoluting the opportunity to learn with the perception of threat. How did we get there? 

 
Human culture has always evolved, that's the only reason for our progress so far. If we compare any region, religion, culture, or country with what it was just a century ago, we will find how much it has changed. Agreed, now all changes are for good, but there are many positive changes. Most of these changes are the result of challenging the status quo, challenging old customs and traditions. Suddenly, it seems we are scared of change. We are scared to offer women their reproductive rights. We are scared to encourage diverse viewpoints related to sex, gender, sexual orientation, and many other topics. We are scared of social reforms that can help some of our fellow humans to live a dignified life. How did we get there?

Developed countries like the USA used to be a brave and experimental society. But it seems even we are now scared to experiment. We want to stick with every old tradition or belief no matter how negatively it affects some sections of our society. Issues like racism, casteism, and sexism that are universally condemned not only still exist in our societies, but they are openly used by popular politicians to appease their voter base and win elections. Social ills like racism, casteism, and sexism divide our society, they project diversity as a threat, not a strength. These things have resulted in suffering for large sections of our society for centuries. When we all agree that these divisive things are bad and must be condemned, I wonder how are we tolerating divisive politics that uses these things openly to divide us. How did we get there? 

Some of us detest and hate fellow humans just for who they are. They want to deprive others of living their lives on their own term. Somehow freedom to practice religion (which should be there) is considered as a more fundamental right than freedom to practice your sexual orientation. People are not angry by racist or bigotry comments by popular politicians but they are angry over the use of some pronouns. People are okay with voting for divisive and narcissistic leaders just because they feel their political agenda can be implemented. Despite having information and data, we are getting increasingly insensitive toward the social and emotional well-being of our fellow humans. How did we get there?

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

The effect of negative politics

Politics has been always a part of our lives. Whether we vote or not, support any political party or not, engage in political discussions or not, politics touches different realms of our lives, especially when it starts polarizing society to such an extent that there is no middle ground. You are assumed to be either with or against them. You will be assigned a side, even if you don't choose any. Actually, choosing a side is not bad, we must take a stand on issues. Neutrality doesn't solve any problems, it makes it worse. However, bracketing someone as a friend or enemy based on their stand is the problem. Extreme polarization is a direct effect of negative politics. This is a type of politics where a leader or a political party establishes their identity entirely based on their political opponent. The political opponent is no longer just a political rival but is categorized as an enemy of the state, and the same label is given to all its supporters. This is the type of politics where the party we support entirely evades any scrutiny as they want our attention only focused on our opponents. Each and every move of the opponent is highlighted as an antinational activity. No wonder such politics divides a country more than any enemy propaganda can. People start treating their political rivals as anti-nationals, each election is like a war against the enemy of the state rather than an election between ideologies. 

Now you may ask, what's new in all this? Political parties and their leaders were always attacking each other, political rivalries and heated arguments have been part of our culture for centuries, and political polarization existed before. And you are right. However, we were not as siloed as we are now. I was amazed to see how soloed people are. Nowadays, people read only a particular newspaper or watch only a particular news channel, and follow a particular movie star, not because they feel that's the best or most informative, but just because it supports their political ideology. People surround themselves with people who think and behave the same. How pathetic it is for the development of our society. We are hesitant to engage with people different than us and without any engagement we have very strong opinions about them. In an era where information is easily accessible to a large population, we chose to live in echo chambers. In an era where we know most about gender equality, different sexualities, and different facets of human life, many of us chose to close our eyes and ears and think that the regressive society of 100 years back was a better place than today's society. 

Does all this make me angry, frustrated, sad, or all three? Well, sometimes. But mostly I feel pity. I feel pity for all who only define themselves based on their perceived political enemies without having their own identity. I feel pity for all those who refuse to accept the feelings and choices of their fellow humans and resent or hate them just for who they are. I feel pity, not because I feel I am more intelligent or better informed than them, but because they have access to the same information that I used to refine and update my views but they refuse to do it. I had very dated views about many social and political issues as came from an underprivileged background and access to information was not easy. But when that access became available I used it to check each and every value and opinion that I held on to so dearly. Many of them couldn't stand that scrutiny, the choice I had was to stick to my old beliefs and refuse to change or accept that many things that I learned from my culture were regressive and I should change. I am glad that I chose to change. This is why I can now recognize the negative politics and stay away from it. I am optimistic that people will come out of their siloed chambers and recognize and appreciate the diversity of our world. Imagine having the same color, same pattern, same leader, same song, same ideology, and same gender, and the same everything around. How unreal and unnatural that world will look. The negative politics wants us to desire just that, a society without any diversity, be aware, and act accordingly. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

The moon landing and debris of the livelihood - the same country, two different pictures

On 23 August 2023, the Indian Space Research Organization (ISRO) successfully put a lander and a rover (Chandrayaan-3) near the south pole of the Moon. The entire world celebrated this scientific achievement and India rightfully highlighted its scientific capabilities through this achievement. Many Indians celebrated this event in their own way, my brother, who runs a small business, a sweet shop, also celebrated this by distributing two free jalebis (a popular Indian sweet) to all customers who visited his shop the next day of the landing. The same shop from which he earns his livelihood and supports his family, the same shop where he celebrated his country's marvelous scientific achievement, was ruthlessly demolished by the same country's government machinery whose success he was celebrating just a few days back. However, this is not the post about Chandrayaan-3 or my brother's loss. This is the story of India which on one side celebrates the achievements of some and then crushes the livelihoods of some who try their best to support their families by whatever means available to them. 

The businesses that were demolished were present on private property but their fault was that they didn't have all the required papers or permits. So, instead of charging the fines, making sure that proper permits are procured, or dragging them into a court of law, the government thought the best mode of action was to demolish those properties without any due process. And this all happened in this century, that too in the country that calls itself the biggest democracy in the world. To tell you the truth, this is not the first time I have seen this happening. We have lived under the threat of demolition for more than 25 years in our home in Pune, India. The reason was the same, lack of proper government documentation. The home was built on the land purchased by my father but he couldn't obtain proper permits due to his lack of knowledge and also as no one else in that neighborhood had any permits. However, our home was never demolished as we had protection from the local politician, and that home still stands there even today, but we have seen other homes and shops getting demolished. Some of these demolitions were for land encroachment where people encroach on government land. At least such demolitions are somewhat justified as the land belonged to the government, but that's an exception and not the norm, most of these demolitions involve properties built on privately owned land. Such demolitions destroy families, as most of the time they invest their entire fortune to build that structure. For some it's their only home, for some, it's their only source of income, some take hefty loans to set up that business, some sell their lands and jewelry to raise money to build their dream home. Once such property gets destroyed these people have nowhere to go, their only shelter or livelihood is gone and the economic impact is so devastating that for most it is impossible to come out of the burden of debt and sense of total loss. Many times, these people get fooled by misleading or false promises by the land seller or their landlord, however, neither the landlord who rented or sold the land nor the government who demolished the property gets affected, and the only victim in all this is the family currently dependent on that property. 

The lander and rover of the Chandrayaan-3 mission are sending photos of the Moon and ISRO is proudly sharing them. Indians are happy as this was funded by their tax money. I wonder what my brother and many like him whose investments and dreams are demolished by the government machinery must be thinking while looking at those moon pictures and then looking at the debris of their hard work. Will they feel any happiness about this achievement that was supported by their tax money when the same tax money was used to destroy their shops? What message is one supposed to get when on one side the government claims to encourage entrepreneurship and then ruthlessly destroys the businesses of solo entrepreneurs? What the country's youth is supposed to do when unemployment is high and there is a serious threat of government actions Two completely different pictures, from the same country: one happy, another very sad; one looking at the future with enthusiasm, another worrying if they can have any future at all; one shared all over the world, another no one bothers to even check. The same country, the same taxpayers money, but completely different outcomes, one optimistic another ruthlessly dark and gloomy. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

Representation matters, without that gender equality is a distant dream

Gender equality is still a hot topic, many people have written about it and many more will write. I have also written extensively about the issue of gender quality. Even after all the progress and barrier-breaking, gender equality is a distant dream. I know, many men and maybe women may disagree with me and argue that there is already gender equality as women are free to do whatever they want in many societies, especially in developed countries like the USA. However, this is far from reality. People who make this argument have no idea about the prejudices and challenges women need to face every day and at every step of their life for things that are granted to men just because of their gender. For example, women still get harassed in public places; they still need to be conscious about the way they dress as many judge their character based on the dress they wear; there are specific beauty standards set for women; they need to perform better than men just to show that they deserve that job; and in most households even when both partners work, it is the woman who is expected to cook and bear childcare related workload. I have cited just a few most common challenges faced by women, the list can grow depending on which country, religion, and socio-economic background they come from. All these hurdles that hinder their path make their journey incredibly difficult and unpredictable. This is why I have tremendous respect for all women who fight against all these odds and still chase their professional and personal goals. Women are still fighting for representation forget about gender equality, and that's still a distant dream. Representation matters. It not only provides opportunities but also provides hope for all those who are struggling and trying to maneuver through different obstacles. One can look at the data and see that women are missing from many key domains of decision-making. This needs to change. Be it by affirmative action, reservation, or by any other means, this needs to change. Also, there is nothing against men in the process of improving women's representation, men need to work on improving their representation in all domains where women were forced to cordon themselves. One of the problems why we are still struggling is that people who have no clue about the real difficulties faced by women are sitting in policy development. These people are either ignorant or full of prejudices and they propose solutions or policies that hardly produce any desired results. We aimed for gender equality but we are still struggling with representation, gender equality is not possible without proper representation. Unless we improve women's representation all our talk about gender equality is just a talk, nothing else. Therefore, focus on representation first, once we reach there, we will work towards equality. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com 

Society's endless desire to control women's rights

It is true that we have come a long way as far as women's rights are concerned. Just a few decades ago, women did not have the right to vote, own property, sign a contract, or right to ancestral property. However, this does not mean society's desire to control women and their rights has ended or eroded, we see glimpses of this in various incidents around the world. Whether it is commenting on their dress, sexual behavior, right to choose a career over family, their reproductive rights, or in some countries their right to choose a spouse (for example, love jihad laws in India), all this is targetted towards women and their rights to make independent choices about various aspects of their life. The question is why women's rights are endlessly targeted? Why do societies fear independent and self-sufficient women? 

The answer is simple, society, no matter whether developed, developing, or undeveloped, is not yet used to living with independent and strong-minded women. Societies, especially, men are worried that if they lose control over women they may become a disposable entity and that's why there are efforts to control women's rights using various political and social methods. Women's reproductive rights are a very good example of this. A man has no inhibition to use contraceptives and decide whether he wants to become a father or not. The same rights are not offered to a woman. In many places, even if a woman becomes pregnant due to rape or incest, or even if their life is in danger they cannot terminate the pregnancy. This means, society literally forces a woman to give birth to a child that she doesn't want to have. Imagine the consequences of this for that mother and that child, they both are subjected to live in a relationship that both didn't choose. Also, society only takes interest in this until the child is born, the same society that forced women to give birth by banning abortion or birth control does not show any interest in taking care of that child once it is out of that woman's womb. One would expect that when some society claims to care about unborn fetuses so much it will create a great facility to take care of unwanted children born out of forced pregnancies. Such a society will provide necessary facilities such as childcare, food, shelter, and education until such children become independent. But no, they just force a woman to produce that child and leave both of them on their own, such is their interest in the welfare of that mother and child. They just want to control the reproductive rights of women, they have zero interest in the welfare of any woman with an unwanted pregnancy or any child born from such pregnancy. The words "pro-life" and "pro-choice" are just marketing tag lines, there is nothing pro in abortion. Reproductive rights including abortion is a woman's right to choose whether she wants to become a mother or not, period. 

Abortion is not an easy choice for any woman, but it is their right to make that choice. Sperms and eggs both have the probability to develop into humans under the right conditions and so is the embryo, no one is banned from disposing of their sperm or egg, so what a big deal with an embryo. Who is the state to control women's bodies and reproduction? Every woman should have exclusive rights over her own body and her reproductive rights. Just because nature has given women the ability to become pregnant society does not get the right to control their body and reproduction. Society needs to let go of the endless desire to control women. Women must be treated as humans and not just reproductive machines, not infringing on their reproductive rights is a step in that direction. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

©Vinay Thakur,  Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com