Eight years

On the 5th of this month was the eighth anniversary of this blog. Eight amazing years of learning and sharing through this amazing platform. The journey so far has been really rewarding for me and I value a lot what I learned in this process. The last four years were extremely busy, especially due to managing my law school studies and a full-time job. Like any journey, there are ups and downs in this journey, some mistakes made, and many lessons learned. There is no doubt that this is helping me to become a better human being and I thank all readers for their help in making this possible, especially the ones who share their views in the comments section, via emails, or on other social media platforms where I share the contents of the blog. The frequency of posts might go up depending on how much time I can devote to the blog once I finish law school.

Once again a big thank you to my all readers and please keep on sharing your views.

My mom and I

My mom, I call her mummy, and I share a unique bond. It's the same and at the same time different than any other mother-son relationship. I am her first child, so, I got an edge over my other two brothers because I got an early start.😉 My mom and I share a unique bond, it's hard to describe. As a person, we are poles apart, there are very few things common between us. Whatever characteristics and features I received from her genetically are there, but apart from that, we are completely different, still very close. I oppose most of her beliefs and many times, criticize them in the harshest possible words, but strongly support her right to practice them. She wonders why I am like this and I also wonder the same about her. This all sounds complicated, but it's not.

There is one thing for which I really give her credit and thank her, she never forced me to do anything against my wishes. This might sound an obvious thing to many, but it's a big deal and I don't know how did she manage to resist the pressure of making your kid follow all your religious and cultural values. I can't thank her enough for doing this, I am sure she must have regretted it whenever I revolted against most of the so-called traditions and rituals, but for me, this was the best thing that she did. This is still quite common in most societies, parents want their kids to inculcate all their values, religious, social, political, personal, and even professional. It was especially prevalent in the neighborhood where I grew up, most kids even ended up doing the same or similar job that their parents did. Like many, I also had a roller coaster teenage and college years. I wondered about things around me, had a lot of unanswered questions, and had no clue where I was heading in my life. My mom supported me, she didn't know what was going on, what did MSc or Ph.D. meant, or why my son was not doing a "normal" job like others, but she stood behind most of my choices. She also didn't force me to get married early which was again a common tradition in the community back then. I am sure all this was not easy for her, but she did it and it worked in my favor.

Mom lost her dad when she was a few months old, and this has created a deep impact on her mind. She has seen struggles of my grandmom as a single mom, and always gets emotional while talking about her. She had a comfortable childhood as her uncle and grandparents took care of her in the absence of her dad. She could only manage to complete her middle school at most as educating girls was not a priority back then. She got married at a very young age, she was around 13 or 14 years young. She migrated to Pune, a city in the Indian state of Maharashtra after marrying my dad. When she arrived in Pune she didn't know a single word of Marathi, it was very tough for her to adjust to this new place with a new culture and totally alien language. I still remember an incident about which told me when she got lost one evening while returning from an errand back to the rented room and couldn't ask anyone for directions as she didn't know the address as well as the local language. It seems one of my dad's friends found her stranded and brought her back to the room, she was petrified by this. She also went through all the struggles and troubles that a migrant family goes through while trying to establish themselves in a new place. Lack of proper education didn't make it easy for her, life was emotionally and physically challenging for her during her initial years in Pune. I still remember the days when she, I, and my younger brother Pankaj used to carry buckets of water every day from a water tanker that used to supply water as our neighborhood did not have access to tap water. 

Mom is overprotective of me. Maybe her own childhood and experiences made her so overprotective about her kids. Since my childhood, she never allowed me to travel alone, the first time I traveled alone in my life was when I took my flight to come to the US. She is very scared of rivers and oceans, the main reason is that my maternal grandpa died in a boat accident in the river Ganga. One can imagine her situation when Pankaj, my younger brother, decided to join a merchant navy. Like many mothers, she still worries about me and offers many suggestions that I don't follow, but she offers them anyway. We also had many arguments and disagreements, some serious ones, but none of those managed to create any personal rift between us that could not be bridged. My concept of respecting one's parents doesn't mean blindly obeying them, following their every order like an obedient son, I can't do this. I am not an obedient son, rather, I am the disobedient one. I am the one who refused to follow the orders and was absent from ritualistic functions because I didn't agree with those rituals. Defied all religious dietary restrictions. But this did not matter as far as my personal bond with my parents was concerned. Actually, over the years, I managed to evolve my relationship with both of my parents in such a way that I treat them more like friends than parents. This was the best way for a rebellious son to preserve the bond with his parents and maintain love and respect without being burdened with the expectation of obeying them. Like friends do, I make fun of them, discuss various things, criticize their views, advise them on their personal issues, and have a great time whenever I meet them personally. This is working great so far. I know that there are a few things that I may never be able to change about my mom, but I will keep on trying. I know that she will be doing the same thing from her side. This will keep both of us busy and can be one of the reasons to keep on persuading each other. Sometimes, 

With my kids, I find myself in a strange situation where I have to explain some of my mom's beliefs to them. They find themselves more distanced from these beliefs than me. It's a tough job, but it's also necessary, someone needs to explain why she has those beliefs. Mom's contribution towards my upbringing is undeniable, I am a witness to some of her struggles and I thank her for not quitting or succumbing to the pressure of society. But she knows this won't stop me from confronting her and this is the beauty of our relationship. I am grateful to her but not burdened by her sacrifices. I am her son, not a devotee, and I think she knows this very well. So, mummy, thank you for everything 🙏 and as always I love you and value what you did for me, and you know that I am not sorry about the many arguments we had so far and might have in the future.😀 Stay happy and stay well. 

Thanks for reading and please share your story about the relationship with your mom. 

When everything is looked through a political prism

What happens when everything you say, write or do is looked through a political prism even though you didn't intend it to be political? I see this happening increasingly, especially on social media platforms like Facebook, Twitter, and WhatsApp. No matter what you post, whether it's a joke, comment, news, or an opinion, people either support or criticize it based on their political leanings, and not only that, they also link you to a particular political ideology or party based on the tone of the post. For many, this is not a problem as most people associate themselves with a certain political leader, party, or ideology. However, for someone like me who does not find any political party suitable to pledge my allegiance, this is a very annoying situation. When I don't intend any political connotation in my posts and people start dragging petty politics into it, it just destroys the intent behind that post. This made me be very blunt and confrontational while dealing with such comments (which I am, but only during in-person discussions not on social media). Now, whenever I see that people are showing islamophobia, I call them and request to say openly that they hate Muslims rather than galvanizing their words and implying something hateful. I flag the sexiest jokes and comments. To my surprise, these things are so common and rampant that I find myself incapable of answering every comment or flagging every sexiest joke, but still, I try my best. 

I will give one example of how things get lose their importance or get twisted when they are looked through a political frame all the time. Suppose, I post a link commenting about a heinous rape incident, depending on the religion or caste or race of the accused, which people guess quickly based on their names, people start commenting. They only comment about the religion of those people than discussing the problem of rape culture in that society. The discussion drags towards political mudslinging and blaming that particular community or political party. It is true that if we want we can link everything going on in our lives with politics because theoretically, it can influence every aspect of our lives. I never imagined that people will become so politically polarized that they start condemning or justifying murders, lynchings, rapes, riots, and wars only based on their political ideologies. This is not just happening in bipartisan political systems like the US, but it's happening even more in multipartisan systems like India. I never imagined that people would either love or hate their political leaders and that they would either justify everything or condemn everything they did, and both of these scenarios are equally deplorable. My problem is that I receive crossfire from every political supporter as I can find some serious flaws in some of their policies and actions. I also strongly feel that just because you voted for a certain political party you don't have to justify each and every action. Similarly, just because the party which you voted for lost an election you don't have to criticize each and every action of the current ruling party. Strong opposition is needed, but it should be effective and issue-based, opposing just for the sake of opposing is a meaningless endeavor to pursue. 

I am quite frank and open with my opinions. When I want to make a political comment or share my political views, I make it clear in my posts, I don't hide it behind any news or sugarcoat it. I am not someone who is allergic to blunt remarks, I make such remarks and totally get it when people direct similar remarks towards me, but such remarks should be on point, if they are off the topic, they are neither blunt nor deserve my attention. So, what's the solution? Please stick to the topic of discussion, one can bring related topics into a discussion, but when the initiator of the discussion says that he or she wants to keep the discussion limited to a certain topic, respect that, or start your own discussion. And finally, not every post is intended to make a political statement. Maybe your thinking is overshadowed by your political beliefs, but that's not the case with everyone, please keep this in mind when you drag politics into the completely apolitical discussion.

Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic. 

Bollywood songs and the culture of sexual harassment

Songs are an integral part of Hindi cinema (or Bollywood as it is popularly known all over the world now). As a kid and teenager, the only sources of entertainment for me were Hindi/Marathi cinema and the Indian government TV channel Doordarshan. Like any other generation, the life of my generation was also heavily influenced by the contents of the entertainment that we consumed. In one of the episodes of Amir Khan's show "Satyamev Jayate" and also my daughter Sara pointed out that many Bollywood songs openly encourage the culture of sexual harassment. This was a bitter pill to swallow as I love many Hindi movie songs as I grew up listening to them, but when I look back I have to agree that many of these songs propagated sexual harassment. In almost every movie, the main protagonist of the movie (the Hero) used to chase the leading lady (the Heroine), harass her, and stalk her until she eventually fell in love with her. Also, there used to be another person who did more or less the same acts, but without any success and that character used to be a villain, some villains used to take an extreme step of raping the heroine to punish her for rejecting their advances. So, this was the general path to conquer love which we used to watch in almost every movie. Hero's harassment was considered as "love" as eventually his target of harassment used to fall in love with him, but the same acts of the villain were not OK, as he did not get the heroine, but both performed the same acts, one succeeded and another failed. As an audience, we used to know who was the hero and who was the villain as actors were typecasted in these roles. 

Generations got their "how to win love" lessons from these movies and their songs which were extremely popular.  Many songs of the sixties are still popular, their lyrics and music are great and I love many of those songs, but if I watch them now I can see why generations who grew up watching these songs did think that harassing a woman is OK. Everyone who watched those movies knew that the hero succeeds and the villain ultimately fails, but in real life who wants to think that they are villains, everyone used to believe that the girl they like is their heroine, they are her hero, and eventually they can win her by using the same tactics which the hero employed in movies. This propagated the culture of sexual harassment which continues even today. Boys were taught that they need to be aggressive and persistent without being bothered by the girl's response, to the extent that the girl has no option but to accept their so-called love. Girls were taught to say no and not to express their feelings even if they liked the boy and be tolerate such harassment as a part of being a girl (For example, watch this superhit song, mana janab ne pukara nahi, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kT3WKSb1q_Q). There is nothing wrong with the lyrics of the song, and that's the beauty of these songs, their lyrics are not at all offensive, but the way they are picturized is where the real problem lies.

I must provide some other relevant examples to prove my point because one random example is not enough. Dev Anand was known as a chocolate hero, a very cute and mild-mannered love boy, and an evergreen hero. Many of his songs and movies are still popular, below is one of his super hit songs "hai apana dil to awara." 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4FC7hlqsZQ

In this song watch, how the hero (Dev Anand) tries to make the heroine (Waheeda Rehman) feel uncomfortable in a public place. Also, how the public reacts to Dev's acts even though they see that the girl he is trying to impress is feeling uncomfortable they do nothing about this but watch him with awe and admiration. This movie is from 1958. There is no physical harassment in this, but readers can imagine things getting worse from here. Check this 1967 movie, An Evening in Paris, another super hit song, "akele akele kaha jaa rahe ho," and superhit romantic hero Shammi Kapoor. The heroine, Sharmila Tagore, is actually trying to avoid both him and the villain, please let me know if anyone thinks this is not harassment.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VeWoNv2JMiY

There are many songs like these, I can make a comprehensive list, but providing such a list is not the aim of the post. I have seen the effect of these songs and felt it myself. I agree with Sara that these songs do teach that harassing girls to win their love is okay, I cannot imagine the problems girls were forced to deal with all these heroes who were harassing them while imagining themselves as some Bollywood hero set to pursue the love of their life. I am glad that finally, Amir Khan acknowledged this problem and hopefully the Indian movie industry will take steps to address this issue. I do understand that movies are meant for entertainment and should be taken only as entertainment, not as a moral teaching tool, but if they teach something so persistently, it is bound to have an effect on society. 

Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic. 

It is in their blood

How many of you have heard someone saying "It's in their blood" while referring to some undesirable social or criminal behavior by some individual to blame that entire community, religion, race, or country for that one person's behavior? This is a deeply prejudicial and biased statement, full of underlying hatred. I have heard it many times since I can remember. This line is often used to insult a particular community, religion, or country rather than for anyone's praise. I heard people using it against Muslims, Christians, Hindus, and within Hindus so-called upper caste people using it against so-called lower caste groups, and so on. Recently, I heard this line while attending a social function sometime before India was expecting a major decision from its supreme court in the Ram Mandir-Babri Masjid land dispute case. This dispute dragged on for decades and was used by the BJP and some other political parties as an effective political pool. Finally, when the Supreme Court of India decided to declare its judgment about this dispute, there was a concern about the effect of this judgment on the communal harmony of the country. During this social gathering, the discussion drifted toward this topic, one of my friends sounded pretty sure that there would be communal riots in India, and I asked him what made him believe that riots would happen for sure. He thought that Muslims of India wouldn't take the count's decision in the right spirit and start rioting. My next question was why was he so sure that Muslims would initiate the riot and not the Hindus? What if the decision goes against the Hindus? My question was more theoretical than practical, it was clear to everyone in whose favor the court would rule, but I wanted to know why he was so sure to blame Muslims for communal riots. His quick reply was that it was in their blood to do such things. I was stunned, not because I heard this for the first time, but because of where I heard this. So far, I have not heard such a statement from some literate person who knew quite a few Muslims and someone who lived in the US and some other countries for many years.

Even though it was shocking that someone could make such a statement about some community, it should not have surprised me considering I had some of these biases until my college days. Over a period of time, I also realized that for many people it is impossible to get rid of some of their prejudices and biases. This is the reason why the politics of hate still work, why some religious leaders from all religions can propagate hate and still get many followers. Why do some organizations openly propagate race or gender supremacy and still find many who subscribe to their bigotry? Also, anyone can be a bigot, starting from an illiterate to a Ph.D. or a Nobel laureate. I did not feel anger or frustration but felt pity for my friend that he is living with such a deep prejudice against Muslims. However, I couldn't do anything to cure it, I tried it but I failed. This friend is just an example, I do not want to single this person out for such behavior, there are many who think and believe in such things. Any social trait or criminal behavior is not in anyone's blood, people act in a certain way for a variety of reasons. It is not only wrong to accuse someone as a born violent or born criminal, but it also shows how screwed up our own thinking is. I wish such people a speedy recovery from their prejudice and bias. To a certain extent, we all are affected by certain prejudices and biases and we all must try first to consciously find them, and make every effort to overcome them by continuously educating ourselves. It is not easy, it is not comfortable, but it is necessary. If we dream of a peaceful and tolerant world, we need to eliminate our own biases as much as possible. My own journey in this direction is quite rewarding and fulfilling and I hope everyone who reads this will start their own journey to de-clutter their mind to remove things that act as a poison for our consciousness.

Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic. 

Privileges conferred on me by patriarchy

During one of our discussions related to the subject of patriarchy, my daughter, Sara said that I should be aware of and acknowledge the benefits and advantages offered to me by this system to understand the real difference between the struggles of a man and a woman in any society. The discussion was especially related to Indian society because of some of her own experiences during her recent visit to India. Sara had a valid point. I have been fighting against patriarchal traditions since I became aware of their discriminatory nature, but I never openly acknowledged the benefits conferred on me by the culture of patriarchy. Sara's comment made me look back at my life and recognize some of the advantages and privileges offered to me just for being a man. This post is to acknowledge some of those privileges and show the terrible nature of this system where half of the population is systematically discriminated against and suppressed, and it is done with so much sophistication that most who get these privileges don't realize that they get an unfair advantage and those who get suppressed also don't realize that they are being mistreated or suppressed.

The string of privileges started at the time I was born. I was told that my birth was celebrated by not only my parents but by the entire family (my parents used to live in a joint family back then). The reason, I was the first boy born after six or seven girls, so it seems there was some sort of gloomy atmosphere within the family due to the birth of only girls and my family thought my birth would change this trend. The problem with this is that if it had happened the reverse way it would not have been celebrated or even deserved to be mentioned (a girl being born after seven boys with the hope that now more girls will follow). 

Second, this is about my skin color. I have the darkest tone in my family, my two brothers have a fairer tone than me. This was never an issue for me, but I remember that many people mentioned in front of me to my mom that she was lucky that I was a boy with dark skin, imagine a girl with my skin tone. According to many people, it would have been a nightmare for my parents to find a good match for me if I had been a girl. I never felt bad or inferior because of my appearance or skin color in my life even though I was reminded about it on countless occasions, but I realize that the big part of this immunity was because of my gender. India's obsession with fair skin is well known, products like Fair and Lovely or Fair and Handsome blatantly display this racist mindset, but I did not get affected due to this mainly because I was a boy, what a privilege to have.

Third, I never faced any sexual harassment or assault and I am dead serious about this privilege. Many might think that I am exaggerating by claiming that every girl goes through such harassment, but based on my personal experience I have seen that getting taunted, sexually harassed in various ways, and things like eve-teasing was a daily ritual for most females irrespective of their age. I never went through it, but this definitely saved me from the trauma and agony of dealing with such experiences daily. It's not that boys don't get sexually harassed, but in most societies, victims of such harassment are disproportionately females.

Fourth, my education was not discontinued for being perceived as a waste of money like it was done for all my sisters. The rationale behind this was, that a girl will anyway one day go to someone else's house, so why waste money on her education, rather than save that money for her dowry and marriage. I did not have to face this challenge to justify the expenditure for my education.

Fifth, I was allowed to go to late-night parties and remain outside of the home for an extended amount of time. This is a normal part of college life, this is how we form friendships, and create some of the memorable moments. There were very few restrictions imposed on me because I was a boy, girls were not allowed similar freedom, not even close. As a boy, there was no social stigma if I smoked, chewed tobacco, or even drank alcohol. I agree it was not encouraged, and kids get punished if get caught. I never indulged in any of these things, but I had the choice, people were OK if boys did such things, but for girls, forget about it.

Sixth, even though it was limited, I had a choice to reject marriage proposals. Yes, no matter how ridiculous it sounds, it's true. The system of arranged marriage used to be heavily biased in favor of boys, but slowly it's changing. However, at the time when I got married, and especially in the northern parts of India, if at all anyone had a choice it was the boy who could reject the girl, not the other way around.

Seventh, my wife was supposed to obey me just because I was her husband. Girls used to be trained to be obedient wives, but similar training was not offered to boys (to be obedient husbands). My wife has to face all the brainwashing and conditioning where girls got trained about their so-called duties and roles, not me, why, simply, just because I was a boy.

Eighth, I don't have to change my last name due to marriage. A big advantage that many men don't even recognize. Even today, if anyone has to change the name it's the wife, not the husband, the reason, patriarchy.

Ninth, my name was used as my kid's middle name. This is the flip side of the advantage of keeping your name after marriage. The husband's name becomes a family name or middle name, another systematically discriminative tradition that patriarchy has created to favor males.

Tenth, family inheritance is guaranteed for me just because I am a man, both, by law and by social tradition which is more powerful than the law. Technically, Indian law gives equal rights to sons and daughters, however, practically, most inheritance is passed ONLY through boys. Girls are not offered their share and they are also very hesitant to ask for it, even though it's their legal right. Patriarchy conditions many girls in such a way that they feel guilty even to ask for their legitimate, legal rights. They are made to feel greedy or selfish, but if it's a boy, then that right is not only automatically awarded, there is nothing wrong if they fight for it.

This list can go on and I can add many other things to it. Some people might argue that some of the listed things are not a privilege but part of the culture and tradition. But these are discriminatory traditions and once there is discrimination it doesn't matter how old these traditions are, they are biased. Once there is discrimination, there is a privileged party and there is a discriminated party, and the truth is that I was a privileged party just because of my gender. I need to recognize this privilege, no matter even if it dilutes some of my achievements. Thanks to Sara for flagging this out. I am against patriarchy for the privileges it conferred on me because of my gender, the system that suppressed almost 50% of the population just because of their gender cannot be a just system, no matter how old it is and from which culture it originated.

Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic. 

No one said sorry to my Nani

The title of this post is slightly confusing as it does not convey the subject matter of the post clearly. Who was or is Nani? Why anyone should have said sorry to her? If at all anything wrong happened to her, why didn't she expect an apology? These are some of the questions that might come to the reader's mind after reading the title of this post. Nani was my mother's mom, in the part of India where my parents came mother's mother is called Nani, and mother's father called Nana. I have not seen my Nana as he died very young, even my mom does not remember seeing her father as she was just a few months old when he died in a boat accident in the river Ganga near her village in the state of Uttar Pradesh. This was the first tragedy that struck my Nani and her life changed permanently after this tragedy. I do not know how old was she when my Nana died, my guess is she was in her teens as people used to get married quite young during those times. The death of Nana left my Nani only with her daughter to look after. There was no chance of remarriage. In that society, it was an unthinkable idea for a woman to get remarried after the death of her husband. If she had been a man, for example, my Nana, then it would have been not only easy but the entire family would have forced him to remarry. However, this option was not there for my Nani. No one even thought that there was any need for her to remarry even though she didn't have any source of income and was not educated so that she could work on her own to take care of her daughter. No one thought that this young girl also deserved to live a normal life like any other girl of her age. No one thought that it was not Nani's fault that her husband died in an accident at such a young age. No one thought that she should get a chance to restart her life. No one thought that it is wrong to force a young girl to spend her entire life without a life partner. I don't think even my Nani thought that it was proper to remarry, she just accepted her fate and continued her colorless, joyless, celebrationless life.  

I remember my Nani only wearing plain sarees, she never wore any makeup or fancy clothes. Also, I never saw her pallu coming off her head (pallu is the part of sari which women os that part us to cover their head and sometimes face). Nani always used to cover her head even in front of kids which other women never used to do. My Nana had four other siblings, and it was a joint family for a long time, Nani became part of one of the brothers' family and she took the responsibility for taking care of that household. She used to work very hard. I think that's how she maintained her relevance. She used to do all the daily chores and look after the kids of that family. My mom also became part of that family and it was a mutually beneficial existence. She was happy to see her daughter getting married and especially happy that her daughter had three kids, that too all boys. We used to visit her during our summer vacations and she used to treat us like the prince of some kingdom. No one in the entire village could say anything to us, no matter what we do, and if someone dared to say something, Nani would create havoc. She used to defend us like a lioness, this shows that she was not afraid of people or society or scared of arguing if she wanted to. She just didn't know that she had any rights and, hence never argued for herself the way she did for us. Even when my Nana's joint family divided their familial assets Nani did not get any share. Even though technically Indian law allows for a share for a daughter and a widow, Nani didn't get any, and it is not still uncommon for not giving a share in familial assets to daughters or widows without any son in many parts of India. She did not protest against this illegal act and gross injustice because she thought that without her husband and any son, she had no right to ask for any share in the family property. It seemed as far as personal rights were concerned, she didn't exist, neither for herself nor for society. The day her husband died her life became devoid of any self-enjoyment, for the rest of her life all she cared about was her daughter and grandkids.

WHY? Why did this happen to her and many women like her? Only one answer comes to my mind, just because she was a woman without a living husband and her only child was also a woman, there was no question of giving any property share. I know many Indians will not like this answer, especially when a country claims that it worships women. No doubt, women are worshipped in India, but it is also true that they are not given equal rights and freedom, they are discriminated against and judged with different standards. I did not see any man who lost his wife at such a young age living a life that my Nani lived. Also, it would be wrong only to single out India for such a discriminatory attitude towards women, but I grew up in India and I know from my personal experiences that gender discrimination is rampant there and I do not see any point in justifying it in name of culture, traditions or even offering an excuse other countries also do it.

Some traditions are bad and there can be no justifications for them, and my Nani was the victim of many such traditions. The problem was neither she nor the people around her thought that those were terrible traditions, their culture was deeply flawed. People sympathized with her, felt bad about her husband's untimely death, tried to help her as much as they could, and respected her, but they never thought that there could be an alternative to the life in which so-called traditions, religion, and culture forced her to live. Traditions and culture were more important than the right of a woman to live a normal life. As I grew older, I came to know about other women who lost their husbands at a much younger age than my Nani, some even didn't get to see the faces of their husbands and lived their entire lives as a widow of a man who they didn't even know personally. No one said sorry to my Nani for all this, I don't think she even expected an apology, and this is the ultimate tragedy. My Nani was not only the victim of this openly discriminatory and abusive culture of patriarchy which was supported by religion and traditions, but she was also a propagator of it. She didn't think whatever was forced on her was a fault of religion or culture. She was made to believe and she did believe that it was all her destiny's fault or something bad she did in the last birth that unfortunate things happened with her. This is how patriarchy survived so long, by taking support from religion and turning its victims also into supporters who were not only made to believe in that system but were brainwashed to willingly abide by it.

Nani passed away when I was in my first year of college. Her death didn't impact me that much as I was too naive and young to understand the impact of her loss. But on my subsequent visits, I realized that my maternal village was never the same for me after her death. I missed her presence there, without her I felt like an orphan, it's not like I was not welcomed there, her legacy is such that people still remember her and offer lots of love to me just because I am her grandson, but she was not there, and I always notice that. And as I know about it, it also reminds me of the gross injustice which happened to her. I am grateful to her for one thing which could have changed the course of my life. When it was clear that she wouldn't live long, people started coming to her with my marriage proposals thinking that if Nani said yes, no one could object to it. Nani did want to see the marriage of her grandson, one of the rare occasions of happiness in her life, why she would want to miss that. My mom told me that Nani was really happy to see that many so-called rich or respected people from her society were coming with marriage proposals and a good amount of dowry, but she refused all of them. Nani told them that my grandson is in college and he is going to become a "saheb" (a generic term used by her for educated people). I can't imagine how my life would have turned out if I had got married at the age of 18. I do not know how she avoided the temptation of witnessing her grandson's marriage? But I am eternally grateful to her for this.

As I grew older and read more about discrimination against women in various societies, I realized the injustice that happened with my Nani, I felt sorry for her, not because she didn't remarry, marriage is a personal choice and it's understandable if a person does not want to remarry after losing his or her partner, but because she was not allowed to enjoy even simple joys of life like wearing fancy clothes, having fun by forgetting that a big tragedy happened in her life. All symbols around her and her own appearance were tailored to remind her every moment about her tragedy, this was a psychological abuse that she tolerated for her most of life and I am sorry for that. No one said sorry to Nani, maybe she did not even expect it, and maybe none of the people who find all kinds of justifications for that discriminatory and suppressive culture will ever apologize to her as they might feel that nothing wrong happened to her, and it was all her destiny to endure all the pain and suffering, but I must say sorry to her, sorry for not understanding and acknowledging her sufferings and sorry for being part of that culture which made her to go through all this. I am determined to change that culture and challenge each and every tradition that discriminates. I know this journey is long and challenging, but I can at least do this much in her memory so that no one at least in my family suffers the same way she did.

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Civility- It's not too much to ask for

Civility is about respect and courteous behavior towards others. In today's world, it not only applies to our immediate surroundings like home, and office, but also to social media or the virtual world where most of us spend considerable time interacting with others. During any discussion or argument, all it takes just one person acting rudely to poison the atmosphere. If allowed to continue or ignored, bad behavior of one person could impact the behavior of an entire group which might result in bullying or harassment of certain individuals or groups. If you scan atmosphere on the social media or even some social gatherings where people are prone to discuss politics or religion you will realize that civility is becoming increasingly rare. People are not only becoming aggressive about pushing their own opinions on others but they are becoming rude and openly disrespectful towards each other. Is civility too much to ask for?

In any group, society, or country it is normal to have different opinions, some opinions can be radically different from each other. Some of these opinions might be against the beliefs of the majority, might even sound disgusting to some of us, or challenge some of our core beliefs but even after all this, such opinions need to be given space so that they can be a part of debates and discussions. Suppressing any opinion or view does not make it go away, rather, if suppressed, it can take the form of an underground movement and we may never know when it might end. Therefore, civility is important during any interaction, personal or public. Civility ensures a healthy environment for interaction, it allows for the exchange of ideas and a chance to understand each other without being judgemental from the beginning. Personally, I started pointing at people whenever they crossed the line and started acting like a bully during any discussion, many don't like it, but I feel the necessity of doing it. So, please remember whenever you are part of any discussion check if it is being conducted in a civil manner where each and every member is encouraged to share their view, whether proper space is provided for alternate views or they are shouted and shut down. Ask yourself, am I acting in a civil manner, please remember, rudeness is contagious, but so is civility.

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Thank you Pappa for teaching me the value of hard work

I call my father "Pappa" or "Seth." Most of you know that many address their father as Pappa, but what about Seth? I call him Seth because he owns a shop, and in Hindi, Marathi, or Bhojpuri shop owners are addressed as sethjee, that's why some of us in our family started calling him Seth. But this post is not about various titles that one can give to their parents, but it is about some very important lessons that Pappa taught me, the most important was the value of hard work. Pappa by his own example taught me that there is no substitute for hard work, there are no shortcuts. His story is very interesting as well as inspiring.

After finishing high school, Pappa moved from his home town Bhadohi in the northern state of Uttar Pradesh to Pune to work in a factory (Vanaz Pvt. Ltd.). While working in Vanaz, he built a small house, put us in a reasonably good school, and had a stable job. Suddenly in the late 1980s, the company for which he worked for more than a decade started facing financial hardships, and it decided to offer a voluntary retirement scheme or the option of continuing working on a reduced salary to its workers. Pappa took the option of VRS and he started a dairy-sweet shop in 1989, investing all the money which he received from VRS. He never had any previous experience in this sector.  I still do not know why he chose this business, I must ask him, I am also curious, why dairy and sweet, among various other choices. It was a risky move, especially with three young kids to support. The area of Pune where he opened his shop was not that populated that's why he could buy that shop with whatever money he had. Today that shop is known as Pankaj Sweets, a well-known place in that area for sweats and snacks, but this was after years of work by Pappa.

Since the day he opened the shop, I saw him working tirelessly to build its reputation, and sales, earning customers' trust, and loyalty and making it a reliable brand. He used to get up around 5AM and work until 10PM every day, 365 days a year, without taking even a single vacation. Many times, he never even got time to go home for lunch, I or my brother used to take a lunch box for him to eat at the shop. He also used to delegate the responsibility of the shop to us since we were kids, he had no option, as there was no one else to help him. This taught us a few important lessons and also allowed us to see his hard work and struggle firsthand. Pappa did this for many years, actually, he followed this routine until my youngest brother started helping him out regularly and eventually took over the management of the shop. Still, he goes to the shop regularly, he just cannot keep himself away from the action. He also taught me that no work is small or big, and one can learn anything if one is willing to put in the required effort. He used to do everything at our shop, starting from sweeping the shop, cleaning floors, washing utensils, working in the shop's kitchen, managing sales, keeping books, and doing all business transactions. He acted like a one-man army. I never saw him shying away from doing any work if it was necessary for the day-to-day operations of his shop. This is another valuable lesson that I learned from him. Watching Pappa work so passionately towards something under uncertainty about what is there for us in the future, especially when there was no one who was traveling the same path that he chose was really something special, not everyone gets a chance to witness something like this in their own family. People who get such a chance are lucky to learn some valuable lifelong lessons and I am proud to say that I am one of them.

I learned quite a few important lessons from this phase of my life. First, if you believe in yourself, don't worry even if no one is following the path you want to follow, trust your instincts and give your best, chances of success are high. Second, there is no substitute for hard work, no point in looking for shortcuts, just focus on your goal and work towards it tirelessly, hard work towards your goal has its own fun and reward. Third, destiny favors risk-takers, if you waste too much time thinking and calculating you might miss the opportunity and it may never come again, so be brave, and take your chances. And the last one, unless your mission becomes your passion, nothing changes in your life. I saw Pappa demonstrating these lessons for me. Many times, we look towards so-called celebrities and successful people for motivation and inspiration even though we can find it within our own family or immediate surroundings. I am lucky to have a few people around me who motivated and inspired me and Pappa is definitely one of them. I and he do not agree on many points, our political and social views differ drastically but that does not stop me from admiring his certain qualities which I appreciate and aspire to learn. Thank you Pappa for everything that you did for me, especially thank you for teaching me the value of hard work.

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Argument vs. Discussion

Debates, discussions, and arguments are the ways by which any democratic and progressive society shares its ideas and views about various issues. These are the ways that we all use to exchange our thoughts, ideas, and concerns with each other. The main aim of these interactions is to try to share and understand each other's point of view. Debates normally happen in a very formal setting, but discussions and arguments are more informal, so informal that they can be a part of any social or family gathering. I am sure each one of us can relate to the fact that arguments and discussions have become such an integral part of our personal and professional lives we do not even realize how often we engage in such exchanges. With the invention and immense popularity of social media we are not even restricted by geographical boundaries, we can discuss or argue with anyone, anytime, from anywhere in the world. At the same time, with the internet, we have instant access to a vast amount of information, it is entirely up to us how much information we can consume. However, there is one question we need to ask, did all this improve the quality of our interactions with each other? No doubt, all the progress in technology did improve the number of our interactions. We do interact very often and with many more people, it was physically impossible without social media to keep in touch with so many people at the same time, that hurdle got removed, thanks to various social media platforms. But what about the quality of our interactions? Do we understand each other better? Are we more tolerant of each other's views? Do we have more consensus about certain political or social issues? OR, do we argue unnecessarily? Are we more polarized than ever? Do we only oppose each other on partisan lines but more venomously? Are we more segregated than united? I am sure if each one of us honestly asks these questions to ourselves, and seek honest answers, we might be able to improve the quality of our interactions and take full advantage of this unique opportunity provided to all of us by this amazing technological revolution for the betterment of our society.

Arguments and discussions are fundamental parts of any democratic society, they both serve unique purposes. Arguments are normally about asserting our own point and rebutting the other side's arguments, there is a confrontational premise from the beginning, both parties know that there is a difference of opinion and they are on opposite sides (debate is one such example of an argument is a very formal setting). However, the discussion is supposed to be more friendly and conducive where we try to understand other's points of view and explain our side to them. Both of them involve the give and take of thoughts, but the intentions and styles are different. In an argument we want the other side to accept that our point is more valid than their own point. However, in the discussion, the aim is not to convince but to understand each other, the intention behind the discussion is to explain our side and try to understand what's the logic and rationale behind the other side's views on the same topic. Discussions can be more useful in social settings than arguments to understand different views about the same topic. We first need to understand each other before we start arguing to convince each other who is right. Both arguments and discussions require certain skills, but the problem is that we all think that we have those skills and it's the other person who doesn't know how to argue or discuss. Let's reflect on our own behavior and try to discuss more and argue less. After all, if we all claim that we want to do something better for humanity then how come our common goals cannot even allow us to have a civilized discussion about any issue, no matter how sensitive that issue is.

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