Parents don't own their children

Parenthood is a beautiful thing, but at the same time, it is a physically and mentally challenging job. Parents have a responsibility to provide for and guide their children as they grow and become independent and responsible adults. As parents, we are not only taking care of our own children but also shaping up our society by bringing up future citizens of that city and country. However, parents don't own their children and children should not be treated as mere possessions to be controlled and manipulated to convert them into reflections of self. In many cultures, children are often referred to as the property of their parents, they are considered as a retirement fund of parents, someone who has an obligation and responsibility to take care of their parents no matter what. But this notion is deeply flawed for many reasons.   

This idea that parents own their children may have its roots in a patriarchal society where children were seen as an extension of their father's property. Even today, in many cultures, children are considered as an asset to be used for labor, marriage alliances, or to continue the family lineage. These traditions treat children as objects to be owned and used for the benefit of parents. However, children are independent human beings with their own thoughts, needs, feelings, and desires. Parents produce them by their own actions, human reproduction is a biological process, similar to the reproduction of many mammals who reproduce their offspring by the same mechanism we reproduce. There is nothing spectacular or divine in our reproductive method, it can be initiated in a petri dish in a well-equipped biology lab. 

Just because children are biologically produced by their parents, they don't become the property of their parents. They are not like any other property we own that we produce or buy, like patents, writings, paintings, sculptures, or our pets. Children are not listed as our assets that can be valued or sold if we default on any financial obligations. This is the reason no developed country gives an unrestricted right to any parents to bring up their children in whatever way they want. There are some rules that parents need to follow and if they don't follow these rules, the state may step in to protect the rights of the affected children. In most countries, at least on paper, children have legal rights and protections that are independent of their parents. For example, children have the right to a safe and healthy environment, access to education and healthcare, and protection from abuse and neglect. All these rights are recognized by international human rights laws and are enforced by many governments. This itself is enough to remind parents that children are not their property but independent entities with their own standing, legally and socially.

Children have the right to make their own choices and live their own lives free from the influence of their parents. However, this rarely happens in most cultures. Even though most parents agree that it is the duty of parents to support and nurture their children, and not to dominate and control them so that children can become independent thinkers, rarely do parents allow children to go out of their influence. That is why we see most kids follow the same religion as their parents, support the same political ideology, and even follow the education and profession chosen by their parents. 

Finally, parents must also understand that their children are not a reflection of themselves. Most parents make this mistake, they think that their children are the means to fulfill their own unfulfilled dreams. Many parents own the success and failures of their kids as if it is their own success and failure. Definitely, parents play a role, maybe a big role, in their kids' lives, but the success or failure of their kids doesn't in any way reflect on parents' own lives unless there is gross negligence or misconduct from the parents' side. At the same time, children are not responsible for their parent's success or failure. Having this simple understanding will allow parents to encourage their children to pursue their own interests and passions, even if they are different from their own. 

As parents, it is our responsibility to recognize, respect, and protect the individuality and agency of our children and provide them will all the love and support they need to thrive and become responsible citizens of this world.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

My mom and I

My mom, I call her mummy, and I share a unique bond. It's the same and at the same time different than any other mother-son relationship. I am her first child, so, I got an edge over my other two brothers because I got an early start.😉 My mom and I share a unique bond, it's hard to describe. As a person, we are poles apart, there are very few things common between us. Whatever characteristics and features I received from her genetically are there, but apart from that, we are completely different, still very close. I oppose most of her beliefs and many times, criticize them in the harshest possible words, but strongly support her right to practice them. She wonders why I am like this and I also wonder the same about her. This all sounds complicated, but it's not.

There is one thing for which I really give her credit and thank her, she never forced me to do anything against my wishes. This might sound an obvious thing to many, but it's a big deal and I don't know how did she manage to resist the pressure of making your kid follow all your religious and cultural values. I can't thank her enough for doing this, I am sure she must have regretted it whenever I revolted against most of the so-called traditions and rituals, but for me, this was the best thing that she did. This is still quite common in most societies, parents want their kids to inculcate all their values, religious, social, political, personal, and even professional. It was especially prevalent in the neighborhood where I grew up, most kids even ended up doing the same or similar job that their parents did. Like many, I also had a roller coaster teenage and college years. I wondered about things around me, had a lot of unanswered questions, and had no clue where I was heading in my life. My mom supported me, she didn't know what was going on, what did MSc or Ph.D. meant, or why my son was not doing a "normal" job like others, but she stood behind most of my choices. She also didn't force me to get married early which was again a common tradition in the community back then. I am sure all this was not easy for her, but she did it and it worked in my favor.

Mom lost her dad when she was a few months old, and this has created a deep impact on her mind. She has seen struggles of my grandmom as a single mom, and always gets emotional while talking about her. She had a comfortable childhood as her uncle and grandparents took care of her in the absence of her dad. She could only manage to complete her middle school at most as educating girls was not a priority back then. She got married at a very young age, she was around 13 or 14 years young. She migrated to Pune, a city in the Indian state of Maharashtra after marrying my dad. When she arrived in Pune she didn't know a single word of Marathi, it was very tough for her to adjust to this new place with a new culture and totally alien language. I still remember an incident about which told me when she got lost one evening while returning from an errand back to the rented room and couldn't ask anyone for directions as she didn't know the address as well as the local language. It seems one of my dad's friends found her stranded and brought her back to the room, she was petrified by this. She also went through all the struggles and troubles that a migrant family goes through while trying to establish themselves in a new place. Lack of proper education didn't make it easy for her, life was emotionally and physically challenging for her during her initial years in Pune. I still remember the days when she, I, and my younger brother Pankaj used to carry buckets of water every day from a water tanker that used to supply water as our neighborhood did not have access to tap water. 

Mom is overprotective of me. Maybe her own childhood and experiences made her so overprotective about her kids. Since my childhood, she never allowed me to travel alone, the first time I traveled alone in my life was when I took my flight to come to the US. She is very scared of rivers and oceans, the main reason is that my maternal grandpa died in a boat accident in the river Ganga. One can imagine her situation when Pankaj, my younger brother, decided to join a merchant navy. Like many mothers, she still worries about me and offers many suggestions that I don't follow, but she offers them anyway. We also had many arguments and disagreements, some serious ones, but none of those managed to create any personal rift between us that could not be bridged. My concept of respecting one's parents doesn't mean blindly obeying them, following their every order like an obedient son, I can't do this. I am not an obedient son, rather, I am the disobedient one. I am the one who refused to follow the orders and was absent from ritualistic functions because I didn't agree with those rituals. Defied all religious dietary restrictions. But this did not matter as far as my personal bond with my parents was concerned. Actually, over the years, I managed to evolve my relationship with both of my parents in such a way that I treat them more like friends than parents. This was the best way for a rebellious son to preserve the bond with his parents and maintain love and respect without being burdened with the expectation of obeying them. Like friends do, I make fun of them, discuss various things, criticize their views, advise them on their personal issues, and have a great time whenever I meet them personally. This is working great so far. I know that there are a few things that I may never be able to change about my mom, but I will keep on trying. I know that she will be doing the same thing from her side. This will keep both of us busy and can be one of the reasons to keep on persuading each other. Sometimes, 

With my kids, I find myself in a strange situation where I have to explain some of my mom's beliefs to them. They find themselves more distanced from these beliefs than me. It's a tough job, but it's also necessary, someone needs to explain why she has those beliefs. Mom's contribution towards my upbringing is undeniable, I am a witness to some of her struggles and I thank her for not quitting or succumbing to the pressure of society. But she knows this won't stop me from confronting her and this is the beauty of our relationship. I am grateful to her but not burdened by her sacrifices. I am her son, not a devotee, and I think she knows this very well. So, mummy, thank you for everything 🙏 and as always I love you and value what you did for me, and you know that I am not sorry about the many arguments we had so far and might have in the future.😀 Stay happy and stay well. 

Thanks for reading and please share your story about the relationship with your mom.