Learning From Our children

As parents, we often see ourselves as teachers, guiding our children through life with the knowledge and wisdom we’ve gathered over the years. And while that responsibility is real, it’s only half the story. The truth is, our children have just as much to teach us—if we’re willing to pause, listen, and learn.

Most of us grew up in a very different world. The environment, the values, and the social norms of our era shaped how we think, behave, and judge right from wrong. But the world isn’t static. It evolves constantly—sometimes slowly over generations, and other times so rapidly that a few short years bring transformative change. As parents, it’s worth asking ourselves: are we preparing our children for the world as it is, or for a world that only exists in our memories?

This is where our children become our teachers.

I can speak from personal experience about the power of listening to my kids. My kids have taught me more than I could have imagined. Sometimes their words have challenged long-held beliefs, other times they’ve helped me evolve in ways I never thought possible. And none of it would have happened had I not chosen to listen.

Listening doesn’t mean agreeing blindly. In our home, discussions often turn into intense debates. My kids don’t hold back, and they attack weak arguments with full force. At times, the exchanges get heated. But when the dust settles, I walk away with plenty to reflect upon. I believe they do the same.

Through these conversations, my perspectives have shifted on issues like mental health, gender, feminism, racism, and much more. If I had dismissed their views simply because they are younger, I would have missed invaluable lessons.

It’s a mistake to believe that a child’s silence is a sign of respect. Somehow, in many cultures, including Indian culture, not speaking in front of elders, especially not questioning or arguing with them, is considered a sign of respect, and doing otherwise is considered a sign of disrespect or arrogance. More often, silence signals fear—or worse, the belief that engaging with you is pointless. That silence doesn’t build love or trust; it builds walls and resentment.

As parents, it’s our job to initiate meaningful conversations and to create a space where children feel safe enough to challenge us. If they can debate with friends or teachers but remain silent at home, we’re not raising honest communicators—we’re raising hypocrites. And the world already has enough of those.

Values are important, but no value is immune to becoming outdated. Outdated values need updating. What worked decades ago may not serve our children in the present—or prepare them for the future, no matter which book, religion, or prophet has said those words, values, and beliefs get outdated, and they need constant updates. By listening to our kids, we gain access to fresh perspectives that can refine, update, or even replace the values we once held tightly.

Our children are not blank slates waiting to be filled; they are thinking, questioning, evolving individuals with a lot to say. If we give them patience, attention, and the respect they deserve, they can teach us how to grow alongside them.

So don’t close the door on learning just because you’re the parent. Keep the conversations open, even when they’re uncomfortable. Challenge them and let them challenge you. In doing so, you’ll not only raise responsible, empathetic citizens—you’ll also become a better version of yourself. Remember, as parents, it is our job to initiate the discussion, we need the learning, and we must be proactive to initiate this process. 

Learning from your kids is free. And it will transform your relationship with them—for good. 

Thank you for reading, and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved. Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

Empty nest?

Both my kids are in college now. Graduating from high school and going to college is a milestone in every student's life. The student and their parents give their best to achieve this moment. Going to college is an emotional moment for parents, they are happy to see their child graduate from high school and also a little sad because most kids leave their homes to attend the college of their choice, hence the metaphor of the "empty nest." Nests and homes have something in common, both are places where families live. Generally, nests are built to protect the eggs and newborn birds until they can fly on their own and feed themselves. However, there is one significant difference. Homes are not temporary residences, of course, people move and change their homes, but this is just a shift from one home to another. But the nests cease to be useful for birds once the newborn birds learn to fly and feed themselves. This is why I feel the metaphor of an empty nest makes sense but doesn't show the complete picture. Hence the question mark in the title.

Every phase of life changes the dynamics of our relationships. Every relationship, for example, between child and parent, friends, spouses, our surroundings, or our colleagues changes over time. Kids start their lives completely dependent on their parents or guardians, but slowly they get independent and pursue their own journeys. Parents are supposed to facilitate this process, but the journey has to be the kids' own. Unfortunately, not many parents are brave enough to allow their kids that free choice. Most instill them with their fears and insecurities, force their religious and political values, brainwash them with their cultural and social biases and prejudices, pass on their own stereotypes, and worst, use them as vehicles to fulfill their own unfulfilled dreams and expectations. Even after all this, every parent-child relationship is special in its own way as most parents do these things thinking that they are doing good for their child. 

When kids graduate high school, they are supposed to embark on their own journey. This journey is supposed to be special as they will be living out of their homes for the first time. In the US most colleges require living on campus for at least part of their four years of college as they believe that living separately from parents is a part of a student's growth. I did not get to do this, I lived with my parents until I left for the US to pursue my postdoctoral work. It had its own pros and cons. I never got to live an independent life outside the shadow of my parents until my late twenties, whereas most kids in the US start doing this in their teens, at the age of 18 or 19. Now back to the empty nest metaphor. Even though it is a beautiful metaphor, our homes don't get empty, my kids are very much part of our home, even though they stay 8-9 months of the year on campus and are busy with their friends during their vacations. So, the nest is not really empty, just relationship dynamics have changed, we have entered a different phase and it has its own charm and fun. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

Why I named my daughter "Sara"?

Chandrakant uncle asked me this question a few days back. I never shared my intention or reasons for giving this particular name to my daughter with many people outside my immediate circle, but I think it will be interesting to share it on my blog. Naming your child can be a very complicated and sometimes stressful process and in today's world of the internet, it's becoming a very elaborate activity. There are many resources at people's disposal to get name suggestions. I was not very familiar with the world of the internet when my first child was born so I had very limited resources at my disposal to find a suitable name.

I was very happy to know that our first baby was a girl. I really wanted to have a daughter, not that I didn't want to have a son or was biased towards a particular gender. Any child is a child its gender really doesn't matter much. There was a very personal reason for my wish to have a daughter. I was tired of listening to comments or taunts like, 'It's easy to talk about feminism but difficult to practice," "You don't know how difficult it is to raise a daughter in today's world," "Maybe one day you will realize what it means to have a daughter" (said in a tone like it's some type of curse 'to have a daughter), "You talk like this because you don't have a daughter," etc. So, it was a big relief for me when I heard that my wife gave birth to a girl. When I heard that the first thought that came to my mind was that maybe now I don't have to listen to any of these comments or taunts. No doubt that I was happy, becoming a parent is one of the nicest feelings in the world. It's a pleasure as well as a huge responsibility and like any other parent it was one of the happiest days of my life.

The next task was to name our daughter. Normally people select names appropriate to their own religion, culture, caste, etc. Many things contribute to the selection of the name of a child in India (or anywhere in the world). People who suggest names always try to suggest names according to your religion and this practice is very common all over the world. I also got some suggestions on similar lines. I and my wife had some of our own choices and they all were strictly according to all guidelines most parents follow, we were not any different. At that time I was also reading a lot about the anti-superstition (अन्धश्रधा निर्मूलन) movement in Maharashtra. I also read about Dr. Shriram Lagoo, a very celebrated actor on the Marathi stage and a popular character artist from Hindi cinema. I read about why he gave his son a Muslim name, he and Deepa Lagoo named their only child "Tanveer" a Muslim name, even though they both were born in Hindu families. There are not many examples like this (I know only this one). I read somewhere that they gave their child a name from a different religion, that to the religion with which their own religion has a history of bitter rivalry, because they wanted their child to understand that people can judge you as a person based on your name. They wanted their child not to judge others based on their name or religion. 

People indeed can form many prejudices just based on your name. From your name, they come to know about your religion, and caste (in India). They can guess from which region or country you belong and then based on their own assumptions about these things they can form certain opinions about you. We all do it, it's a very common thing. This might be the reason why many parents do not want to name their kids Osama, Adolf, or Duryodhan just because of the negative image associated with these names. It induces fear in parents' minds that their child might subjected to some trauma or torture just because of his/her name and they want to avoid it.

So, when I decided to name my first child my intention was to convey my belief to her that it's not your name that gives you a character or meaning to you rather it's you who give some meaning to your name. It doesn't matter what your name is, or from which religion or region it belongs, a name is just a name. But frankly speaking at the same time I was not as brave as Lagoos to give clearly a Muslim or Christian name. I knew that no one in my family would accept it and clearly, it would be a matter of argument and discomfort for many people in my family. I wanted to avoid this scenario as I was already causing enough trouble. I didn't want my newborn daughter to be a reason for family fights right from her entry into this world. Then I came across the name "Sara." I don't remember where I read it for the first time but maybe I came across it for the first time while reading about Sachin's family life. I know now that his daughter's name is Sara but I am not that type of crazy fan to name my daughter or son after people I like. I realized that the name "Sara" perfectly fits my bill. It's not from my own religion, my family had no clue which religion or region it belongs to as it was not a very common name in India). Honestly, I didn't have any clue at that time about the meaning of this name but I liked it. Fortunately, my wife also agreed to it and no one else protested (once she agreed anyway other's protests didn't matter). So, we named her Sara.

It's a very simple story but I thought it's worth sharing. Thanks to Chandu uncle for asking me this question which took me back to my memory lane to remember those wonderful days. My daughter is now old enough to understand how people name their kids and what logic normally people follow while naming their kids. She also knows which part of the world her name originated in and what it means. I told her the story behind her own naming process and she is totally cool with it. I am glad that both kids understand the limited importance and significance of people's names and they don't judge people just based on their name, race, religion, or nationality. After all, name, religion, and country of origin don't really matter, all that matters is how we behave with others and how well we treat the people around us. Remember, our name doesn't give any meaning to us, but we can definitely give some meaning to our name.

Thanks for reading and please share your opinion.

(Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing)