Languishing-a state that many experience but have had no name for

I came across the NY Times article by Adam Grant about languishing. My classmate from the wellness coaching certification program mentioned this during one of our live sessions. The article raises some interesting points, especially about mental health. Most of us have a perception that if we are not under depression, or not facing any anxiety or panic attacks our mental health is fine and we don't need to do anything about it. However, this may not be the case, mental health is also an ongoing saga just like our physical health. In the same way, as it is not enough to have one healthy meal or one gym session to remain physically fit, we need to practice these things regularly to reap any benefits from it. In the same way, for better mental health we need to work continuously, every day on it. There is a spectrum of mental health and we need to recognize which band of the spectrum, we are dealing with on any given day. We may be happy someday, sad another, or not so sure on some days,. That is why the phrase "languishing" is so important, it defines our mental state where we are not sure, we are neither happy nor sad, neither depressed nor upbeat, neither anxious nor calm, somewhere in between. It is important to acknowledge our mental state because if we don't, it does not fend away future problems, it only postpones the crises. One of the reasons for this is that even though we live in the world of social media, personally, each of us lives in a more isolated mental world than before.  

This is why it becomes more important to acknowledge and examine our cultural burdens. There is a stigma associated with anything related to mental health in many cultures. The stigma is so high that even something like genuine mental fatigue is perceived as laziness or sloppiness, but not mental fatigue. It's not just about the stigma, it's about the conditioning our mind goes through due to the toxic environment this stigma creates. 

I grew up in an environment where mental health was never ever discussed, people were either sane or insane, nothing in between. If you had any mental health-related issue, you were labeled as insane, anyone committing suicide was labeled as weak, escapist, and whatnot. This environment created a very negative image of mental health-related issues in my mind, it took a lot of time, reading, and discussions to override this negative image, and I am grateful to my kids for educating me about this issue. I have traveled a long journey to overcome that negative perception, many books, videos, and discussions, and now I am doing a wellness counseling certification course, the journey has been an exciting and rewarding experience for me. Not only did I learn a lot about myself and my behavior, but now I also understand others' behavior in a much better way.  

So, don't hesitate to express your emotional state, it's not always that we feel good, the answer to "how are you" doesn't have to be a standard answer, it can be different every day, or even different at different times of the day. In a way, we all can help each other to improve our mental fitness, just a little understanding and compassion can go a long way, give a little pause to our judgmental instincts, and try to understand each other rather than judge. This one small step can do a lot of good. We all languish, but we did not have a name for this feeling, now we have it, let's use it.

Thank you for reading. Please share your opinions on this topic. 

How to deal with the onslaught of the cult of positivity?

Who doesn't like to be positive, right? However, is it possible to remain positive in each and every situation of one's life? Is it even normal to try to be positive all the time? Definitely not. There are bound to be ups and downs in everyone's life. We are going to feel the highs and lows in our personal and professional lives. If we check, we can find thousands of videos on various platforms of social media that only talk about how to be positive, and how to be happy. There are very few that discuss how to deal with every kind of emotion: positive, negative, neutral, everything. Many of these videos are good and they can help a person overcome frustration or get motivated to take up new challenges, but at the same time, they are creating what I call "a cult of positivity." These so-called motivational gurus intentionally or unintentionally group human emotions into two categories: good and bad. Positivity, optimism, love, etc. all are good, and anger, frustration, anxiety, fear, discomfort, etc. are all in the negative bucket.  

This cult of positivity has become so strong and dominant that even when you try to talk about the possibility of a different outcome than a person desires, they label you as a pessimist or a negative person. People are not willing to listen or even consider that there might be another possibility that needs some consideration. Don't get me wrong, there is no problem with being positive, it helps in many ways, but at the same time other emotions are as natural, and many times they are very much required to have a proper understanding of the world around us.  People do feel angry, frustrated, anxious, or depressed and such people are not pessimistic or people filled only with negative emotions. Such people can also have equal zeal and love for life. These so-called motivational leaders talk as if a person should always be high on adrenaline and willing to jump a cliff no matter what, and if we show a slight hesitation or reluctance, then we are a failure or should be ashamed of ourselves.  However, this is not how real life is, we can feel apprehension, doubt, fear, feelings of being lost, lonely, sad, rejected, stressed, remorseful, angry, and jealous. These are just a few and there are many emotions to add to this list, and all these emotions are as natural as feeling positive. 

We need to feel optimistic and positive, no one can deny that. At the same time, too much of anything is bad, as it is said: "The dose makes the poison." Too much of any emotion is bad, if our stress, anxiety, or depression becomes chronic, we should get professional help. Demonizing these feelings doesn't help. Many people are reluctant to accept that they feel these so-called negative emotions just because they are worried that they will be judged if they speak about these emotions. We need to learn how to deal with this cult of positivity. I notice that people smitten by this cult are scared of anything that has a connotation of negativity or vulnerability. People prefer to shield themselves in a false sense of security and do not want to be perceived as vulnerable, they feel being vulnerable means being weak, and this is not natural. We need to equip ourselves with a proper emotional balance so that we can understand when this dose of positivity or any other emotion is reaching the level of being toxic. There is no one-size-fits-all solution for this, as everyone's capacity to deal with a particular emotion is different. This is why, we should not hesitate to talk about all emotions, not just the ones which people appreciate (so-called positive ones). This will allow each emotion to get its due recognition and will remove the guilt factor from people who feel the emotions that normally don't get any space in day-to-day discussions (so-called negative ones).  

The human mind is a very complex thing and just one emotion cannot define its good or bad health. We need to strike the emotional balance and the path to striking that balance demands to recognize and accept the presence and need of every emotion. 

Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic. 

The art of happiness

A disclaimer first, this post has nothing to do with the book "The Art Of Happiness" written by Dalai Lama, I have not read the book but only came to know about it when I was searching if anyone has already used this title and no surprise that Mr. Dalai Lama has already written a book about it. The post is about my own experiences and struggles, it has nothing to do with the above-mentioned book.

If we look at the history of human civilization, the level and type of stress changes generation after generation. We improved our physical comforts a lot because of progress in technological aspects of our lives. Our generation has more access to travel, education, clean water, food, information, medicines, and many other things compared to our previous generations. However, our generation also has more complicated psychological problems. We also have two parallel worlds now: the real world and a virtual world in which we live simultaneously. Despite all this progress in the physical world, why are we struggling to keep up the same speed in the psychological or mental world? Why suicide rates are going up? Why are we not happy and more connected with each other and help each other in moments of need and desperation? Questions are many, and each individual needs to search for an answer for himself or herself. We humans are extremely complex organisms and hence our problems are complex and their solutions are going to differ from person to person.

Can we learn how to be happy on our own or is it something that entirely depends on our surroundings? Is being happy is a habit or an art? I think one can definitely learn how to be happy. Happiness is extremely personal and this is what people are forgetting, they are getting more into comparative happiness. I see that many people base their own happiness on how happy others are around them. They want to buy that dream house because everyone in their age group has such a house, they want that car because that's a status symbol, they want to have a job with a six-figure income because that's what they are being told a successful career is. Many of these perceptions and beliefs are acquired without giving any serious thought to what we actually want and what are our own needs and desires that make us happy. The biggest problem is that this conditioning of mind starts so early in our lives that we don't even develop a capacity to think about our own needs and desires. This conditioning wires our minds in such a way that we knowingly or unknowingly start walking on a path paved for us by culture, religion, media, society, or people around us. Mind it, this conditioning is very intense and organized, it's impossible to escape it.

So, how to learn the art of being happy? The basic question is, do we even know what the real happiness means? Is the pursuit of personal happiness worth the effort it will take, or it is better to surrender to what our society dictates to us? Why anyone should believe whatever I am writing is the right way to think about happiness? Actually, that's the whole point of the post, the post is not about educating you on what is happiness and how to be happy, but it is about recognizing the problems that are prohibiting us from being happy and being aware of forces that are pushing us on a fabricated path of happiness. The first step that anyone can take is to stop engaging in comparative happiness. Not everyone has to go on a vacation, and not everyone needs to own a house or a car. We all are different and there is nothing wrong with it. Our sex, sexual orientation, race, nationality, or any other trait doesn't make us any better or worse. We all are unique and we must recognize this aspect not only about ourselves but about others around us as well. We also need to become aware of what are we actually seeking, for example, education is important not from which college or university you get it. It is important to have fun while doing your job, so if you are dragging every day to work then it is not the right area of work for you, it's time to try something different. There are many small steps that we can take to take control of our own lives. 

We need to enjoy the journey, struggle, efforts, and preparations as much as we enjoy the destination. If we focus too much on the end product then we miss so much which is equally important and on which we spend more time than the end result. We need to recognize that failures, fear, anxiety, depression, stress, joy, and grief all are an integral part of our lives. These emotions are bound to come we need to recognize them and be conscious of our mental hygiene. We should give equal importance to our mental hygiene as we give it to our physical hygiene. All these things will help us to learn the art of happiness. But please remember, there is no universal formula to learn this art. Everyone has to find their own way, you can only decide what makes you happy or sad. You can only decide when you want to buy the house or what type of profession you want to choose, others can always help you to make these decisions, but the final decision should be yours and yours only. 

Learn to spend some time with yourself, and try to understand your own identity and value. We get too busy in our daily struggles. These struggles consume us so much that we don't get time to think about who we are and what we really want. If this post kindles a desire to search for your own path of happiness, then it has served its purpose. No matter how different that path is, how weird you think you are, this is your path. Take all help that you can, find people who love and support you, and find people who are willing to invest in your wellbeing, this all will help you to find your own path. We must try to spread love and compassion, this is a duty of every human as there is always a need for more love and compassion. Imagine a world where all are happy and no matter how impossible that task looks we can at least give it a shot. Let's try to make this world a happier place, and let's start by making happy ourselves first. 

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

Depression is real and it hurts, let's talk about it

Recently I watched this very interesting discussion on NDTV where famous Hindi movie actress Deepika Padukone and her mom discussed the problem of depression that Deepika faced very recently. In this discussion, they touched on various topics associated with mental health, including the huge stigma or taboo associated with discussing such issues openly in many societies. The stigma associated with any type of mental issues is so huge that not only society but the families and many times people themselves who suffer from such problems refuse to accept that there is any such problem and as a result, many people suffer silently. Depression is not uncommon, it is more common than we think. Most of us have to deal with it at some stage of our lives. I think depression and anxiety are two of the most common mental health issues that almost every one of us goes through the only difference is to what extent they affect our day-to-day life. Many of us live our entire lives trying to battle with these problems, we are so scared about what people might think about us that we don't even mention these issues to anyone, not even our close ones.

I think we need to accept one thing first, mental health-related issues like depression and anxiety are common, and they affect many people, so, it is better to acknowledge this and talk about them without any reservations. Today's high-pressure, fast, and somewhat isolated lifestyle has made all of us more prone to face these issues. It is not that people from previous generations never faced any such problems but maybe they never had proper platforms to discuss and debate any such issues, fortunately, we have such platforms and we should make good use of them. When I was in India I always thought that having a mental health issue meant something very shameful and one should try as much as possible to hide these things, this is what I was taught. I have seen many families (including my own) trying to hide any such issues even from people within the family because they think that if people know about this thing their family will get a bad reputation and society might look differently to all members of their family. This fear and concern is often reaffirmed by the very negative attitude of society towards mental health-related issues.  

Without proper knowledge of any issue, it is very dangerous to react just based on some common perceptions, this is what happens all the time in this case. Mental health issues are like any other health issue, people facing such issues need the same type of attention, support, and medical care that others facing any nonmental health problem. We don't consider people having flu or cold or cancer or diabetes or high blood pressure weird and crazy, we don't socially boycott them. We don't treat them with contempt or act like something is wrong with them, so, why do many of us react differently when we see someone who is going through depression or panic attacks or some other mental health issue? First of all, we need to remove this stigma, this is the biggest hurdle in dealing with this issue. Let's accept that we all (or most of us) face some degree of mental health issues, therefore, we all need to work towards getting rid of this stigma which has done more harm than good for our society. Sooner we learn to talk about mental health-related issues without any bias or prejudice better for all of us. Mental health issues are real and people suffering from it don't need prejudice, stigmatization, or sympathy. They need everyone's support, acceptance, and unbiased medical as well as social treatment. Let's hope that we as a society can come out of our own mental weakness and learn to accept that mental health issues are like other health issues, there is nothing special or weird about them.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Links:
1. 'I Felt Empty And Directionless': Deepika Padukone on Her Battle With Depression
2. Read The Heart-Wrenching Open Letter To Deepika Padukone

We should also practice emotional hygiene

A few days back, I came across this amazing talk by Dr. Guy Winch on TED based on practicing emotional hygiene like we practice physical hygiene. I loved the way he presented this great idea of the need to practice emotional hygiene. We all pay a lot of attention to our physical hygiene, we try to keep our body and surroundings as clean as possible because we know that if we don't do this, then it might cause some kind of illness. But we rarely pay that much attention to our emotional hygiene. We all go through different types of emotions every day of our lives, some of them are good some of them are bad for us. Some of them make us happy and encourage us to do better but some of them make us sad and might affect us negatively. We all also consciously or unconsciously develop our own methods to deal with all these emotions that affect us. We all know that happiness and sadness are part of our lives, no feeling or situation is permanent but still, sometimes we struggle to deal with some negative thoughts and feel overwhelmed by some situations. A cluttered mind can always cause some problems and that is why I think the suggestions offered in Dr. Winch's talk are so relevant.

No matter what we do most of us can't avoid getting affected by different emotions, even while watching a movie or reading some book we get affected by situations presented in them and get emotionally attached to the characters of the story. Humans are emotional, actually, all animals are emotional to some extent but humans know how to display it in a much better way and that's why we get affected by it more than any other species around us. This is why it becomes extremely important to practice emotional hygiene. Lingering on with any emotion doesn't help. The only thing that is constant in life is change and we all know it but most of us struggle to practice this in real life. I have a very bad habit of thinking too much about small things and I am constantly working towards getting rid of this habit. I know it is not easy to get rid of some habits, but we must, especially if it is affecting our day-to-day behavior. I personally understand the importance of practicing emotional hygiene and that is why this talk impressed me so much. In this talk, Dr. Winch explains the importance of emotional hygiene by citing some examples from his own life that's why I encourage readers to listen to this talk. We all should understand that emotions are not going to go anywhere, they are going to be integral parts of our lives so we need to get better at dealing with all types of emotions. Many times, we have no control over the situations in life that we face (like the loss of some near and dear ones), but we can control the way we react to these situations and this is where our capacity to practice emotional hygiene comes into play. I know that it is not easy, but it is necessary. The wrong way of dealing with emotions can land us in serious psychological issues and they can affect our personal and professional lives considerably. So, it is better to be aware of these things rather than being ignorant and suffer without even knowing why are we suffering. I feel this talk will give people some insight into their own emotional health and being aware of emotional hygiene is better than not knowing about it. Please listen to this talk and start working on your emotional hygiene.

 Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Links:
1. http://www.ted.com/talks/guy_winch_the_case_for_emotional_hygiene

Khurshid Anwar - Guilty or victim of media trial

I read news about the suicide of Mr. Khurshid Anwar, a social worker and director of an NGO called the Institute for Social Democracy on my Facebook wall. I didn't know about him before reading the news about his death. The reason why this news caught my attention was because of the cause of his suicide, which was the depression caused because of sexual assault charges leveled against him by a 23-year-old girl who worked for some other NGO. Another reason was, that many women who knew Mr. Anwar personally were really surprised and shocked by this allegation and believed that there might be something fishy going on in this case. They think these charges might be false and someone was trying to implicate him in a crime he did not commit. If this is true, then, this may not be a suicide but a sort of murder. Maybe after a detailed investigation, the real truth will come out, but life is already lost. The role played by some news channels who accused Mr. Anwar of rape is also questioned. Can the media pass on the verdict of guilty or nonguilty without any trial? Such media trials can put a lot of stress on concerned people and results can be devastating as in this case. Media has the right to report the news but do they have the right to take sides and deliver verdicts without any substantial evidence?

Any victim of sexual assault should get all the possible support and help, and the guilty should not be spared in such cases no matter who they are. But at the same time, we should also need to make sure that such laws are not misused for personal or professional gains. Nowadays many cases of misuse of anti-dowry and anti-casteism laws are reported, and there are also cases of false sexual harassment or rape charges, because of the nature of these crimes victim immediately gets all the sympathy, and the accused is immediately painted as evil or declared guilty. No doubt that the victim should get all the required support but at the same time accused should also get the chance to defend and prove his/her innocence. The process should be fair for both of them. The rights of both the accused and the victim should be respected and honored. Media, social networks, and other electronic mediums also should deal with these types of cases sensibly and responsibly. Media plays a very important role in any civilized and progressive society. They are responsible for communicating correct and nonbiased information to people but nowadays we hardly see them doing this. Most of them are becoming like any other entertainment channels that cater to whatever their audience likes to watch, this is really pathetic.

Social and news media also played a very important role in some cases like the Jessica Lal murder case to get justice for the victim. However, tough competition between various news channels to grab the sensational news and report it first has created a situation where there is hardly any time to authenticate the information. Many times the channels broadcast the news as received before validating it or even checking the source and sometimes this creates a lot of damage to concerned parties. Recent sting operation tapes against AAP which were broadcasted on many news channels is another such example. I am against censoring media by any government organization, they should be independent, then only they can do their job without any fear of adverse government actions, but at the same time, they need to be responsible, with complete freedom also comes a lot of responsibility. They need to be really careful with the authenticity of the contents of their reporting when a large section of society depends on them as a source of authentic information. I hope this sense of responsibility prevails in current media houses that are controlled by some of the big corporations. I hope this doesn't become just another business but remains an independent pillar of democracy. If not, then we might see more victims like Khurshid Anwar who were declared guilty before any fair trial.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Links:
1. What Khurshid Anwar's suicide should tell the media
2. NGO director jumps to death as rape charges are levelled against him by 23-year-old woman

Motivation: from where and how to get it

First of all, we need to know why and when we need motivation. Many times we are not happy with our jobs, our relationships, and our life in general sucks. This all makes us lethargic, and dull and we lose interest in almost everything. Fierce competition in every field, our disappointments and failures make this situation more complicated. This situation leads to a lack of interest, depression, and a pessimistic attitude towards life.  Sometimes we don’t even realize that we are going through this phase, we suffer, and people around us also suffer because of this. In today’s competitive, fast-moving world people don’t have time for each other, they are fighting for their survival. Our needs are limited but desires are huge, unlimited, endless. To get out of this hopeless situation we need some motivation and positive thinking. 

According to me the best way to get out of this mess is to learn to motivate ourselves without any external help. Everyone can’t afford to attend those motivational speeches, courses, or classes, at least I didn’t get a chance to attend them. The neighborhood where I spent my first 30 years of life exposed me to many different situations of life. I consider myself lucky in that aspect, I became very rich in experience. But my problem was I didn’t have anybody to guide me, to motivate me (unless you call your parents heavy expectations about you as a motivation). So, I searched for it in books and made many friends and it helped me a lot, I got motivation from my friends and books, and that’s how I learned to motivate myself. That's why according to me best way to get motivated is to motivate yourself, it’s not that easy but trust me it’s not that difficult either. 

In my research field of drug discovery, there is a very high failure rate, the success rate to get a suitable drug candidate is less than 0.5%, so, it looks quite a gloomy situation. But I enjoy my work and cherish all aspects of it. I am not worried about my final destination as I want to enjoy my journey. I believe that there can be many people whose destination might be the same but everybody’s journey is unique and special. We worry a lot about results, our targets, and achievements. Because of all these worries and concerns, we don't enjoy our journey. In my case, I believe that every molecule I am making might be the next blockbuster drug to cure that disease and it gives me immense pleasure to put all the efforts and hard work towards its synthesis. I am not worried about its fate once it’s synthesized because that’s not in my hands. I believe that it may not be possible for everyone to get the best job in the world but it’s in our hands to give the best possible effort to whatever job we have. I also try to exercise on a fairly regular basis, but I just don’t exercise because I am scared of getting fat or having high cholesterol. I do it because I enjoy my workout, I like the environment of the gym, and seeing people in action, that spirit motivates me, my workout makes me tired but also makes me feel good.

If we look around we can get motivation from many small things. The problem is that we worry too much about the future, failures, fear of competition and so many other things that mess up our minds and consume our energy. So, cheer up and be happy because happy people are always motivated.

Thanks for reading, please share your comments. 

(Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing)