Fear of failure

Why do people hesitate to pursue the career of their dreams? Why do people hesitate to switch once they find their job or career boring or burdensome? Why do people hesitate to study nontraditional fields that no one around them studied? One common answer to all these questions is "fear of failure." Fear of failure is not just about failure, it is more about being judged as a failure. 

There is a difference between actually failing at something and being judged as a failure. We fail for so many reasons, lack of preparation, underestimating the difficulty, better competitors, or plain bad luck. Sometimes things because of which we fail are not in even our hands, for example, if we miss the exam because our car broke down or we miss the train, there is nothing we can do about it. Most people are not scared of these types of failures, but being judged as a failure is an altogether different animal. Even if you are doing or trying to do something you love or still trying to figure out what to do, people may judge you as a failure based on your family, social, and economic background. People judge an engineer's child just because he or she did not choose to study engineering but chose music. If a doctor's child doesn't become a doctor and chooses any other profession that is supposed to be riskier and less monetary rewarding, people judge them and many feel sympathy towards these parents as if their kids failed them. Many people from my circle assume that my kids will be doing either science or law because I have that background and both fields are considered lucrative career options. I admire and applaud kids who chose to travel a different path. It is not easy, fear of failure is not an easy thing to overcome. I face this fear, and this is why I chose science as people told me arts has no future and commerce is for business-savvy people. Both pieces of advice were completely wrong but they affected my decisions, because of fear that I may end up without any job if I didn't study science. 

Also, the Asian community overseas is stereotyped as a science and tech-savvy community, which is far from true. Just because mostly STEM-educated people from India and China come to the USA or other countries doesn't mean that everyone in India or China is only good in science-related fields. The Asians are interested in arts like writing and music, they also love cinema and theater, they also like to be entrepreneurs in areas other than science, and they also want to tell their stories. However, many Asian kids are not encouraged to take these paths and are coerced or brainwashed to take more traditional careers that are considered as safe and monetarily rewarding. 

I always encourage kids who want to pursue a different career path than the so-called safe career choices. This is not easy, ask anyone who tried this. These kids face a lot of anxiety and get a lot of unsolicited advice that is offered with good intentions but under the assumption that these kids are lost and misguided. It is not easy to try to enter a profession that is not commonly pursued in your community, where you don't know anyone, and where you don't have any example to follow from your community or family. This requires courage and self-belief, more than any other common profession that they could have chosen. Note that in these common professions, there may not have been anyone from their family, but just because these professions are so well structured there is less risk and a more defined career path that reduces entry barriers. Therefore, be proud if you are trying to chart an uncommon path. Seek the support of your family, and if they don't offer any support, then find a mentor who can support you. Be patient and believe in yourself, the path may be tough and uncertain, the entry barrier may be high, and you may face many failures, but you are on a journey to achieve something that no one around you dared to do, and that itself is commendable. Fear of failure will be there, but make that your strength and not a weakness, use that fear to better prepare yourself and give yourself the option to fail. Failures don't define us, our grit, determination, and willingness to struggle do define our character. Success is not always the ultimate destination, many times it is the journey that we take that matters more than the ultimate destination. All the very best. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com   

Risks of ignoring underlying sadness and anxiety

Human emotions are complex. They are complex not because there are many, but because many times they confuse us and our conditioning doesn't allow us to acknowledge some emotions. Anxiety, stress, sadness, or feeling low in life is unavoidable. We all go through some or all of these emotions from time to time. It is not easy to embrace these emotions as they are uncomfortable feelings, and this is why we tend to avoid them. Many try to ignore them, bury them under some other emotions. Some try to dilute them with the use of drugs, alcohol, or some other addiction. Sometimes we feel that keeping ourselves busy may make them go away and we immerse ourselves in some activities. Some take shelter from work and become a workaholic, forgetting that addiction to work can also be bad. Sometimes we are so confused that we don't know how to react. Sometimes we take out all our frustrations and anger on people who we love and hurt them, damage relationships, and end friendships. One thing is clear, ignoring these emotions is not a good strategy. Rather, ignoring these emotions may be risky, especially when these emotions push us toward some addiction. Once we start walking the path of addiction, there is a slippery path of getting trapped where it is hard to come out without any professional help. It is better to embrace these emotions and deal with them, try to find out their roots, and address them rather than ignore them. 

Emotional distress or trauma is common for all of us. It's a spectrum, some of us suffer more compared to others. The words "trauma" and "distress" have so much negativity associated with them that no one wants to say that they are in emotional distress or trauma. Just acknowledging these emotions doesn't make us weak or sick, it allows us to recognize them and deal with them. It also allows us to seek help if needed, and this help can be in many ways and forms. It can be in the form of counseling, therapy, medication, meditation, or just talking with someone we trust. There are many ways to get help, provided we recognize that we need help and we figure out what we need help with. Also, once we acknowledge these emotions we can try controlling them, ignoring them only allows those emotions to control us. Ignoring them may also make us sick. Please don't ignore underlying sadness, anxiety, or any other emotion that bothers you. Seek help and begin your journey towards better emotional well-being. All the very best.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com 

Barriers to public speaking

Public speaking is one of the most feared endeavors, most of us dread the scenario of speaking in front of people. No matter how trivial the subject is or how small the gathering is, we try to avoid as much as possible speaking in front of a group of people. Why? Is this because of fear of failure, fear of being laughed at, or fear of being not good at public speaking? What does it even mean to be good at public speaking? Is there a certain specific format for being a good public speaker? Most people think that there is. We are told to emulate certain best public speaking practices. I was a member of the Toastmasters club where people get trained in public speaking skills. It was a great learning experience for me, I really enjoyed my time at the Toastmasters. However, I feel that we put barriers to public speaking by prescribing a certain format for it, it discourages many who can't or don't want to adopt it. Let me explain why.

We are told that public speakers must speak in a certain way, and use certain mannerisms, posture, and language. Good public speakers should do this and should not do that. This all makes most of us feel that the art of public speaking is difficult and it is not for us. We started buying the idea that public speaking is for a few gifted people with dynamic personalities who are great storytellers. This is far from true. It is correct that few gifted people are comfortable with their storytelling abilities, but we all have this ability, we just differ in our styles of storytelling. By stereotyping public speaking, we put huge barriers to public speaking for people who have interesting stories to tell, and want to tell, but are scared because they don't see themselves as dynamic public speakers. We miss so many interesting stories and experiences just because people with these stories think they are not qualified enough to share them. The result of all this is that only certain stories get told, only certain sections of society have a monopoly over public speaking space, and most of us are spectators trying to find glimpses of our own stories among the stories told without bothering to tell our own story in our own words. Feeling fear and anxiety about public speaking is natural and even most experts feel it, this should not be a barrier or reason for not doing it. Also, whether you are an extrovert or an introvert should not matter, as both have stories to tell and the ability to tell. The result of all this is that most of us rely on others to tell our stories, we keep searching for glimpses of our tales in others' tales. 

There is no harm in learning prescribed techniques or standard practices of public speaking. However, not learning these skills, or the inability to learn them should not stop us from sharing our stories. We all have our unique styles. People can bring diverse ways of public speaking by expressing themselves in different styles and manners. People from India don't have to follow the same style as people from Africa or America and vice versa. With our own styles and backgrounds, we bring diversity to storytelling. It is not just the diversity of stories that matters, the diversity of styles and storytellers also matters. By having diverse styles of storytelling we can expand the reach of public speaking. If more and more people see people like them sharing their views, opinions, and stories, many more will be encouraged to do the same. 

Social media has already expanded the reach of expression of ideas and sharing. Social media platforms like YouTube, Instagram, and Ticktock have already started breaking these barriers to public speaking. Many are actively engaged in storytelling without subscribing to the standard protocols of public speaking. This is great, this is the beginning of removing the barriers to public speaking. I hope this trend continues and slowly we don't feel the need to train people in the art of public speaking. We already know how to speak and share our stories, public speaking is just another incident of engaging in conversation with a larger audience using our own style and flair, let's do it more often.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

We cannot become good at something by not doing it

Many of us harbor fear for many things in our personal and professional lives. Some of us fear public speaking, some about writing, some about expressing their opinions because they think they can't articulate their opinions properly or people will laugh at them, and some fear taking initiative. We can add many things to make this list more comprehensive but I think you got my point. Many of these fears are due to our failures when we tried some of those things for the first time; maybe our first presentation was a disaster, maybe when we tried to express our opinion people didn't understand it as there was no clarity, maybe some of us think that we cannot write. The problem with such fears is that we try our best to avoid doing the things that we think we are not good at. In spite of knowing that we might need those skills to progress professionally and personally, we try to avoid taking any steps to master those skills due to our fear. We somehow feel that one fine day suddenly we are going to get better and overcome those hurdles or somehow we can progress by avoiding them altogether, but this is just wishful thinking. We face many situations where we need to speak in front of the public or we are told to express our ideas. Due to a lack of preparation or a belief that we somehow could manage it, we flounder and are not happy with our performance. Such instances solidify our fears as we don't perform any better than our previous attempts as we never tried to fix the original problem problem. The only way to overcome our fears is to practice the skills that we lack or need to improve. There is no way to master anything without practicing it, we need to do the things regularly that we need to master. Regular practice is not necessary only in sports but in each and every skill which we want to master.

I suggest one approach to overcome such fears: make a list of things that you want to learn or improve, prioritize that list as per your need or preference, and then start acting on one item at a time. It is not advisable to start working on each and every item from the list at the same time unless you have enough stamina and time to devote to each of them. Choose the platform and community where you are most comfortable, this is very important as you will need a very encouraging atmosphere at least in the beginning. The journey of personal development is not easy, it requires a hard push as well as a cushion of support. If you have some other responsibilities, like work or study, it is advisable to practice at your own comfort level so that you can handle everything without getting overwhelmed. The journey should be fun and challenging at the same time. It should not be burdensome and affect other parts of your life negatively. Of course, this approach will require an honest effort and sincere commitment from our side, it will test our patience as there will be many challenges and failures, but remember persistence helps and there are no shortcuts to achieving amazing things. If you want to improve on something start working on it, this is the only way to improve. We cannot become good at something by not doing it. All the very best.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

The art of happiness

A disclaimer first, this post has nothing to do with the book "The Art Of Happiness" written by Dalai Lama, I have not read the book but only came to know about it when I was searching if anyone has already used this title and no surprise that Mr. Dalai Lama has already written a book about it. The post is about my own experiences and struggles, it has nothing to do with the above-mentioned book.

If we look at the history of human civilization, the level and type of stress changes generation after generation. We improved our physical comforts a lot because of progress in technological aspects of our lives. Our generation has more access to travel, education, clean water, food, information, medicines, and many other things compared to our previous generations. However, our generation also has more complicated psychological problems. We also have two parallel worlds now: the real world and a virtual world in which we live simultaneously. Despite all this progress in the physical world, why are we struggling to keep up the same speed in the psychological or mental world? Why suicide rates are going up? Why are we not happy and more connected with each other and help each other in moments of need and desperation? Questions are many, and each individual needs to search for an answer for himself or herself. We humans are extremely complex organisms and hence our problems are complex and their solutions are going to differ from person to person.

Can we learn how to be happy on our own or is it something that entirely depends on our surroundings? Is being happy is a habit or an art? I think one can definitely learn how to be happy. Happiness is extremely personal and this is what people are forgetting, they are getting more into comparative happiness. I see that many people base their own happiness on how happy others are around them. They want to buy that dream house because everyone in their age group has such a house, they want that car because that's a status symbol, they want to have a job with a six-figure income because that's what they are being told a successful career is. Many of these perceptions and beliefs are acquired without giving any serious thought to what we actually want and what are our own needs and desires that make us happy. The biggest problem is that this conditioning of mind starts so early in our lives that we don't even develop a capacity to think about our own needs and desires. This conditioning wires our minds in such a way that we knowingly or unknowingly start walking on a path paved for us by culture, religion, media, society, or people around us. Mind it, this conditioning is very intense and organized, it's impossible to escape it.

So, how to learn the art of being happy? The basic question is, do we even know what the real happiness means? Is the pursuit of personal happiness worth the effort it will take, or it is better to surrender to what our society dictates to us? Why anyone should believe whatever I am writing is the right way to think about happiness? Actually, that's the whole point of the post, the post is not about educating you on what is happiness and how to be happy, but it is about recognizing the problems that are prohibiting us from being happy and being aware of forces that are pushing us on a fabricated path of happiness. The first step that anyone can take is to stop engaging in comparative happiness. Not everyone has to go on a vacation, and not everyone needs to own a house or a car. We all are different and there is nothing wrong with it. Our sex, sexual orientation, race, nationality, or any other trait doesn't make us any better or worse. We all are unique and we must recognize this aspect not only about ourselves but about others around us as well. We also need to become aware of what are we actually seeking, for example, education is important not from which college or university you get it. It is important to have fun while doing your job, so if you are dragging every day to work then it is not the right area of work for you, it's time to try something different. There are many small steps that we can take to take control of our own lives. 

We need to enjoy the journey, struggle, efforts, and preparations as much as we enjoy the destination. If we focus too much on the end product then we miss so much which is equally important and on which we spend more time than the end result. We need to recognize that failures, fear, anxiety, depression, stress, joy, and grief all are an integral part of our lives. These emotions are bound to come we need to recognize them and be conscious of our mental hygiene. We should give equal importance to our mental hygiene as we give it to our physical hygiene. All these things will help us to learn the art of happiness. But please remember, there is no universal formula to learn this art. Everyone has to find their own way, you can only decide what makes you happy or sad. You can only decide when you want to buy the house or what type of profession you want to choose, others can always help you to make these decisions, but the final decision should be yours and yours only. 

Learn to spend some time with yourself, and try to understand your own identity and value. We get too busy in our daily struggles. These struggles consume us so much that we don't get time to think about who we are and what we really want. If this post kindles a desire to search for your own path of happiness, then it has served its purpose. No matter how different that path is, how weird you think you are, this is your path. Take all help that you can, find people who love and support you, and find people who are willing to invest in your wellbeing, this all will help you to find your own path. We must try to spread love and compassion, this is a duty of every human as there is always a need for more love and compassion. Imagine a world where all are happy and no matter how impossible that task looks we can at least give it a shot. Let's try to make this world a happier place, and let's start by making happy ourselves first. 

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

Depression is real and it hurts, let's talk about it

Recently I watched this very interesting discussion on NDTV where famous Hindi movie actress Deepika Padukone and her mom discussed the problem of depression that Deepika faced very recently. In this discussion, they touched on various topics associated with mental health, including the huge stigma or taboo associated with discussing such issues openly in many societies. The stigma associated with any type of mental issues is so huge that not only society but the families and many times people themselves who suffer from such problems refuse to accept that there is any such problem and as a result, many people suffer silently. Depression is not uncommon, it is more common than we think. Most of us have to deal with it at some stage of our lives. I think depression and anxiety are two of the most common mental health issues that almost every one of us goes through the only difference is to what extent they affect our day-to-day life. Many of us live our entire lives trying to battle with these problems, we are so scared about what people might think about us that we don't even mention these issues to anyone, not even our close ones.

I think we need to accept one thing first, mental health-related issues like depression and anxiety are common, and they affect many people, so, it is better to acknowledge this and talk about them without any reservations. Today's high-pressure, fast, and somewhat isolated lifestyle has made all of us more prone to face these issues. It is not that people from previous generations never faced any such problems but maybe they never had proper platforms to discuss and debate any such issues, fortunately, we have such platforms and we should make good use of them. When I was in India I always thought that having a mental health issue meant something very shameful and one should try as much as possible to hide these things, this is what I was taught. I have seen many families (including my own) trying to hide any such issues even from people within the family because they think that if people know about this thing their family will get a bad reputation and society might look differently to all members of their family. This fear and concern is often reaffirmed by the very negative attitude of society towards mental health-related issues.  

Without proper knowledge of any issue, it is very dangerous to react just based on some common perceptions, this is what happens all the time in this case. Mental health issues are like any other health issue, people facing such issues need the same type of attention, support, and medical care that others facing any nonmental health problem. We don't consider people having flu or cold or cancer or diabetes or high blood pressure weird and crazy, we don't socially boycott them. We don't treat them with contempt or act like something is wrong with them, so, why do many of us react differently when we see someone who is going through depression or panic attacks or some other mental health issue? First of all, we need to remove this stigma, this is the biggest hurdle in dealing with this issue. Let's accept that we all (or most of us) face some degree of mental health issues, therefore, we all need to work towards getting rid of this stigma which has done more harm than good for our society. Sooner we learn to talk about mental health-related issues without any bias or prejudice better for all of us. Mental health issues are real and people suffering from it don't need prejudice, stigmatization, or sympathy. They need everyone's support, acceptance, and unbiased medical as well as social treatment. Let's hope that we as a society can come out of our own mental weakness and learn to accept that mental health issues are like other health issues, there is nothing special or weird about them.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Links:
1. 'I Felt Empty And Directionless': Deepika Padukone on Her Battle With Depression
2. Read The Heart-Wrenching Open Letter To Deepika Padukone