Tenth anniversary

This year, on 5th March, was the tenth anniversary of this blog. When I started this journey I never had any idea how long it would continue, but here we are, after more than 500 posts, celebrating the tenth anniversary of my independent writing passion, my passion for sharing my thoughts and views. Thank you all for your encouragement and support all these years. I don't think writing is my strong point, but that doesn't deter me from sharing my thoughts, I know that many of my ideas are different, they evolve, I am receptive to change and welcome new ideas wholeheartedly. This all made me explore many topics starting from religion, politics, science, mental health, and social issues. I got a great response from some of the readers and some even shared how some of the posts helped them to overcome some of their challenges. I did not write to change someone's opinion or propagate any ideology, I only write to share my opinions and hope that they resonate with some readers and help them to evaluate their own opinions, and also encourage them to share their opinions with their friends and colleagues. 

Ten years is a long time to do any activity regularly, and I am glad that I could do that. During these ten years, many other things happened, I changed careers, went back to school, got another degree, and started working in another field. This all did not discourage me from writing, yes, the frequency reduced somewhat, but it did not stop, and I am really proud of that. Many of the topics on which I wrote came from my discussions with my kids, they educated me a lot about mental health and a few other topics. It was a revelation to learn new things from them. It inspired me to read many books on this topic and I got enrolled in a wellness counseling certification course to get formal training to become a wellness counselor.

I hope to continue this journey as long as I can. Thank you for all your support and encouragement. Keep reading and keep sharing your thoughts. Happy reading.

Languishing-a state that many experience but have had no name for

I came across the NY Times article by Adam Grant about languishing. My classmate from the wellness coaching certification program mentioned this during one of our live sessions. The article raises some interesting points, especially about mental health. Most of us have a perception that if we are not under depression, or not facing any anxiety or panic attacks our mental health is fine and we don't need to do anything about it. However, this may not be the case, mental health is also an ongoing saga just like our physical health. In the same way, as it is not enough to have one healthy meal or one gym session to remain physically fit, we need to practice these things regularly to reap any benefits from it. In the same way, for better mental health we need to work continuously, every day on it. There is a spectrum of mental health and we need to recognize which band of the spectrum, we are dealing with on any given day. We may be happy someday, sad another, or not so sure on some days,. That is why the phrase "languishing" is so important, it defines our mental state where we are not sure, we are neither happy nor sad, neither depressed nor upbeat, neither anxious nor calm, somewhere in between. It is important to acknowledge our mental state because if we don't, it does not fend away future problems, it only postpones the crises. One of the reasons for this is that even though we live in the world of social media, personally, each of us lives in a more isolated mental world than before.  

This is why it becomes more important to acknowledge and examine our cultural burdens. There is a stigma associated with anything related to mental health in many cultures. The stigma is so high that even something like genuine mental fatigue is perceived as laziness or sloppiness, but not mental fatigue. It's not just about the stigma, it's about the conditioning our mind goes through due to the toxic environment this stigma creates. 

I grew up in an environment where mental health was never ever discussed, people were either sane or insane, nothing in between. If you had any mental health-related issue, you were labeled as insane, anyone committing suicide was labeled as weak, escapist, and whatnot. This environment created a very negative image of mental health-related issues in my mind, it took a lot of time, reading, and discussions to override this negative image, and I am grateful to my kids for educating me about this issue. I have traveled a long journey to overcome that negative perception, many books, videos, and discussions, and now I am doing a wellness counseling certification course, the journey has been an exciting and rewarding experience for me. Not only did I learn a lot about myself and my behavior, but now I also understand others' behavior in a much better way.  

So, don't hesitate to express your emotional state, it's not always that we feel good, the answer to "how are you" doesn't have to be a standard answer, it can be different every day, or even different at different times of the day. In a way, we all can help each other to improve our mental fitness, just a little understanding and compassion can go a long way, give a little pause to our judgmental instincts, and try to understand each other rather than judge. This one small step can do a lot of good. We all languish, but we did not have a name for this feeling, now we have it, let's use it.

Thank you for reading. Please share your opinions on this topic. 

Importance of being "well"

We all strive to be healthy, we are told to manage our weight, monitor our diet, and stay away from unhealthy habits, one can add many more items to this list that are recommended to us to remain physically fit or healthy. There are tangible methods to monitor our physical health, we can get our blood work done to make sure all levels of essential markers, like cholesterol, hemoglobin, minerals, and sugar levels are within limits, get X-rays or other scanning results like MRI or sonography. These all will tell us that everything within our body is okay and we are physically fit, but does this mean we are "well"? Is there a difference between being physically fit and feeling well? Of course, there is a difference.

One can be physically very fit, with all numbers within the recommended limits, and not feel well, or there may be some numbers off the mark indicating that you are physically not fit but still feel well. Being physically fit is just one of the aspects of feeling well, they both can go together, but it's not necessary. We need to look at them separately and work on each independently. 

Wellness is more about how we overall feel about ourselves and our surroundings rather than what are our medical statistics. Wellness is decided by a variety of things including our physical health, relationships, social and professional settings, our own expectations, burdens, past incidents, and our overall mental health. We may struggle in our department of wellness even after doing great in the department of physical fitness. If that happens, it is always a good idea to seek professional or expert help so that someone can guide us on how to deal with the issues we are facing in the wellness department. The problem with wellness is that it is very person-centric, completely different than physical fitness. We can find a lot of recommendations about eating well, and gym routines that are standardized to achieve particular goals related to physical fitness and may work for most of us. However, it is not easy to find such standard recommendations for wellness as what may work for me may not work for you, because what works for us depends a lot on our background, social, economic, professional, and emotional settings at that point in time. This is why achieving physical fitness has become a much more standardized practice compared to achieving overall wellness. In today's individual-centric world where we spend a lot of time on social media or consuming a variety of content directed towards us focusing on our mental health is more important than before. Working towards it actively, and if needed, having a wellness coach or mentor is not a bad idea. It not only supplements our physical fitness but improves our quality of life, we find more fulfillment and happiness in our day-to-day activities. Let's give equal importance to our wellness as much as we give to our physical fitness, they both go hand in hand, without wellness we may be physically fit on paper but not in reality, we may appear fit from outside but a total wreck from inside. Let's work towards having a wholesome quality of life where we feel good internally and externally, focusing on wellness can help us to achieve this. Think about it.

Thank you for reading, please share your opinions about this topic.

How good is your coping mechanism?

Emotions are unavoidable, we all experience them and there is a range of emotions that we experience, they are an essential and unavoidable part of our lives. The range of emotions is vast, sad, happy, love, hate, jealousy, envy, hate, fear, and many more, there are different shades of them. Some of us are better at dealing with these emotions than others, this is not because some of us experience these emotions and some don't, we all experience these emotions, and the difference is our coping mechanism. We cope with these emotions differently, and hence our reactions differ. Most of us neglect to think about our coping mechanisms, this can be knowledge about our own triggers or people who help us to deal with our emotional health. It is important to be aware of our coping mechanisms.

It is tough to control the onset of emotions, they come and go depending on many factors, but we can control our reactions to our emotions. Some emotions affect us positively, some have a negative effect, and some don't affect us at all. Not all reactions need to be modulated or controlled, rather, our impulsive reactions make us human, they nurture our relationships and cultivate our sensitivities. However, when our reactions start hurting us or the people around us, then we need to work on our coping mechanisms. Having a reliable coping mechanism is important to protect ourselves and the people around us from the negative effects of some of our emotions. It is true that we can't control the incoming or outgoing of our emotions, but we can control our reactions, this is also one of the characteristics of being human. The presence of a coping mechanism also differentiates us from animals, the ability it allows us to control our emotions and impulses. Controlling our reactions to our emotions doesn't mean suppressing our feelings, undue suppression of feelings can result in serious mental health issues. The control that I am talking about is not about unhealthy suppression of emotions but control or modulation that we need to protect our mental well-being. A control that allows us to react better, in a more constructive way towards whatever emotion we are experiencing. A control that allows us to be ourselves doesn't force us to change just to fit in, a control that makes us feel that we belong rather than feeling like a misfit. 

One way to have a better coping mechanism is to have people around us who can help us deal with these emotions in a better way. People cannot be a substitute for an internal coping mechanism but they can be a facilitator in developing a better internal mechanism. Actually, we all can help each other to develop a better coping mechanism. Helping others not only may improve their reactions to their own emotions but in this process, we also may learn a few new things about ourselves and improve our own coping mechanisms. Let's work on improving each other's coping mechanisms to deal with emotions that affect us negatively or impact our health. The world will be a much better place if we all learn to control our reactions a little better and learn to treat each other with some more compassion and love, let's work sincerely towards it.

Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic. 

Lata Mangeshkar- a feeling that will live forever

Lata Mangeshkar, the most celebrated singer of the Indian film industry died on 5th February 2022. Personally, for me, her voice and many of her songs mean a lot, those songs are therapeutic for me, they calm me, give emotional support when I need it, provide immense joy, help me to stay focused, give me hope, and stay with me wherever I go. I also know very well many controversies and facts that are not so pleasant about her life, I also know about her political and ideological leanings that don't match at all with my ideological leanings, I have read and researched a lot about Lata Mangeshkar, the person, I was once her devotee and worshipped not only her voice but her personality as well. Ultimately, I learned to differentiate art from the artist. For me Lata Mangeshkar is not just a person, Lata Mangeshkar is that magical voice that enchants me every time I listen to songs sung by that voice. That voice comes through a person, but that voice is not that person but it is a feeling, a feeling that is going to last with me forever. People come and go, and people have good and bad characteristics or controversies associated with them but beautiful and soothing feelings are pure and live forever. 

It is not that all songs sung by Lata are immortal, and it was not only her voice that made those songs great, Those songs were really well written and composed, lyricists and music composers deserve equal credit for those songs. However, it is also true that many of those songs were composed because those lyricists and music directors knew that only Lata could pull it off. Lata Mangeshkar could not make a bad song great just by her singing, but she definitely could make a good song not just great but immortal by her singing, there are many songs like that, ask any Hindi and Marathi film music lover. 

I address that voice as "Lata," not Lata didi or Latajee because that voice is not 92 years old, songs with that voice are still as fresh and enchanting as they were when they were just released, they will never age, get old or die. Lata Mangeshkar, the person is no more, but Lata "the voice" is very much here and going to be here as long as music exists on this planet. Lata is with us there is no saying goodbye to that Lata, that voice cannot leave us, that feeling cannot leave us, and for that, I am thankful to the person Lata Mangeshkar, thank you for everything, whatever you gave is more than enough for us to survive. Thank you.

Hate is politically potent currency that politicians use abundantly

Political polarization does not happen accidentally, it is a carefully planned and designed phenomenon by politicians who know for sure what are they doing. Hate is a very powerful emotion, it can shut rationality and logic, even for the most sophisticated minds, that is why it is a potent and valuable political currency and politicians use it abundantly. Politics is an intense and fiercely competitive field, that's why political battles are fought like wars with troops from opposite sides trying to defeat each other. However, there is one major difference between politics and other wars, in politics, the aim is to defeat your opponents' ideas or ideology, not to eliminate or kill them as individuals. Politics is all about the clash of ideologies and policies, it is not about people who convey those ideas. Yes, charismatic orators or personalities help to convey those ideas in a better way, but in the end, it's all about those ideas and not about the person expressing them. 

However, when ideas are not that strong, rather they are weak and full of objectionable motives, or the opposition also has equally good or even better ideas, then, hate helps. Hate is such a strong emotion that politicians are tempted to use it more often than any other emotion. It is used so often that many times, the hate itself becomes the agenda. It is easy to divide people between we versus they, nationals versus anti-nationals, pro-x versus anti-x, or any other division. Hateful propaganda reaps political dividends, and politicians enjoy success with the complete awareness that they are inflicting serious damage to their country or society. Political victories are addictive to politicians as well as their supporters, these victories not only give a sense of ideological triumph but also act as a validation of their tactics. It creates a perception that hate is justified because it is validated through a ballot box. 

When hate is mixed in politics with any ideology, the opponent does not remain only a political rival but becomes an enemy of the nation and society, worthy of exodus, all this just because of a political disagreement. However, people engaged in all this forget that hate is like fire, it burns indiscriminately after a certain point. A hateful campaign may reap political dividends in the short term, but the hateful society it creates always remains at a flashpoint. Once politicians legitimize hate and violence directly or indirectly it becomes an accepted method to resolve any conflict. People start using violence or spewing hate wherever they feel there is some conflict, and this cannot be controlled even by the same politicians who used hatred to come into power. Hateful societies can never be a healthy place to live as they become exclusive, they cannot allow flourishing for all types of talent, as there will be always a violent reaction to disagreements.   

The current trend of political polarization and making almost each and every debatable issue a politically sensitive topic is a new popular trend in world politics. People who participate in these campaigns are equally responsible along with the politicians that instigate them. After all, politicians get elected on votes, and if people support hate, politicians are shamelessly going to use it for electoral victories. The situation is getting so bad that there is no even pretense, hate is visible and felt during many political campaigns across the world, and may seem to be okay with this. These are testing times for humanity and everyone who thinks that diversity of opinion is necessary, minority opinion is valuable even when they are wrong, every voice needs to be heard and given space, and decent needs to be protected. Let's see who wins, hate and exclusiveness or love and inclusiveness.

Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic. 

Fear of being judged

Fear of being judged is a real fear among individuals. We fear being judged based on various parameters, some examples are being judged based on our gender, age, religion, nationality, education, job, sexual orientation, political views, marital or familial status. Getting judged based on our parenting or the way our kids perform is one of them. 

A survey of parents revealed that about 90% of mothers and 85% of fathers feel judged, and almost half of them feel judged all the time by people they know and even by complete strangers. This fear makes them try various things so that they can overcome feelings of their own insecurities and avoid being labeled as irresponsible parenting. Tiger parenting, free-range parenting, liberal parenting, conservative parenting, and whatnot, parents look in every direction and source to find some tips to raise successful kids. They all intend that their kids will become successful and be happy. However, in this process, parents don't realize that they are engineering the life of their child as per their own wishes and inclinations, they are shaping their child's thinking, even dictating choices based on their own prejudices, and for a considerable time, that child has no say in his or her own life. Parenting is complex, and these aspects make it more complex and confusing, this is one of the reasons why most parents choose the prescribed or most popular format, at least that format guarantees a certain outcome in most cases, a so-called successful child, who is going to have standard education and a well-paying job. 

So, how to deal with the fear of being judged? Well, you can't stop people from judging you, but you can stop your actions from being influenced by the fear of that judgment. It's not easy and in practice, no one accepts that their actions are influenced by what others will say, but in reality, they are. When in any society most people follow a certain pattern, it establishes certain norms. One can sense that these norms are based on the way certain behavior, let's call it a confirmative behavior, is rewarded and praised, and other behaviors not fitting in the set pattern, a non-confirmative behavior, is criticized or called a risky behavior. It is really up to individual parents how they want to parent their children. Every child is different, even between two siblings one cannot expect the same behavior even after being raised in the same household with the same parents, it is that uncertain, but as parents, we want to bring certainty as it comforts us. However, parents' desire to play safe, or have a certain outcome has resulted in homes becoming factories for raising standardized kids, who conform to their parent's desires and choices. Legally child labor is banned, but now school work and extracurricular activities have become a legal form of child labor, kids are forced to do these things to an extent their parents want them to do, it really doesn't matter whether the kids want or not. Therefore, it's really up to parents to notice what they are doing as kids have very little say in all this, there are risks associated with every parenting style as nothing guarantees the desired outcome, but at least parents can choose not to be a dictator but be a facilitator. Let's be a facilitator as much as we can because no matter how good, dictatorship is after all a dictatorship with no freedom for a non-dictating party and our kids do deserve the freedom to be themselves, not our own shadows or not what we can't become but wanted to become.

Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic. 

Social paradigms of settlement

We all hear well-intentioned advice from people around us to "get settled" in life. Different societies and cultures have developed different social paradigms for what they mean by getting settled in life. One can find a few common things among all these social paradigms of settlement, for example, getting a degree, finding a decent-paying job, getting married, buying a house, having kids, and then trying to repeat the entire cycle in your kid's life. There may be some very good reasons why these indicators are being included in the socially accepted meaning of "settlement," maybe there was a good intention behind creating this standard format and maybe most subscribe to and like this structure. However, there is a negative side to all this. These definitions also have created pressure on individuals, sometimes, it is entrapment, anyone who does not subscribe to these standards is considered a misfit, abnormal, or even a failure. 

Theoretically, most agree that every individual has the right to choose the way they want to live their life, but in reality, very few work towards creating such an environment. Most start dictating their kid's life from a very early age, the fear of insecurity or missing out is so much in parents of every generation, and more so today, that parents send their kids to every possible training or coaching here they feel it will help that child to beat the competition. The poor kids have no choice but to live the life that their parents plan for them, no doubt, this all is done by good intentions, but the good intentions do not mitigate the harm. The result of all this is that most knowingly or unknowingly subscribe to these ideas, they try to fit in. Things like chasing your dreams, and pursuing your passion are thrown randomly when the reality is that most don't even know what is their passion or what are their dreams. 

How easy to defy these social paradigms of settlement and create your own? It is not easy, but it is not impossible. Based on our needs and inclinations we need to charter our path, but first, we need to learn to identify our inclinations based on our own understanding. We indeed develop our understanding based on what we learn from our surroundings, so, it is natural to be influenced by the environment around us. Also, it is not easy to make decisions that don't fit in the generally accepted social paradigm, for example, if you don't get married or buy a house after a certain age dictated by these paradigms you are bound to face relentless questioning, and intrusion of our personal boundaries by people around us and many can't stand that pressure or scrutiny. It is also true that not everyone needs to defy these standards or raise a rebellious flag against each and every norm, but if it doesn't suit you, please don't hesitate to defy them, no matter how old or how well-intentioned they may be. Creating our own path is tough and risky but a worthy endeavor, if we succeed we show that there is an alternative way, if we fail, we at least have the satisfaction that we tried rather than surrendering to something that was not for us. Subscribe to social paradigms of settlement if you want, if they suit you, good, if they don't, then defy them and create your own, charter your own path, no matter how different it is, it will be your own path. Enjoy the journey and don't worry about the destination, no matter what it is, the journey will be amazing and unique, for sure. Good luck.

Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic. 

Happy New Year

Celebrations for a new year have become a universal phenomenon, they are like a worldwide birthday celebration. Change of a year is no more a mere calendar page change or change of one date to another, it is more like entering into a new phase of life, we allowed this incident to gain that status to this event. People make New Year's resolutions and many wait for the new year to start something important and new. 

Wishing all my readers a happy and successful new year. Don't forget to celebrate your achievements so far and get ready for new challenges. A new year is about a new beginning and anything new may come with a lot of surprises, good as well as bad. We need to be ready to deal with all. 

Stay happy and stay focused, spread the love and get love in return, and don't get bogged down by the negativity some try to spread. Happy New Year and happy reading.

My "weird" tiger tooth

I have a unique arrangement of my teeth, they can make a challenging project for any orthodontist. I have one tooth that is different than others, called "tiger tooth" and I call it "weird" not because I think it is weird, but just to highlight the fact that it is unique and different from my other teeth. While growing up in India I never felt that my teeth were unique, as there were quite a few with similar teeth. However, when I came to the USA I was amazed to see the nearly perfect alignment of teeth of almost every individual. I never knew about orthodontists while growing up, also, I never heard of anyone getting their teeth arrangement fixed. Going to a dentist was a rare event in my neighborhood, people visited the dentist only and only when tooth pain became unbearable or there was some accident where they had some damage to their teeth. We did not know anything about annual dental cleaning or flossing regularly. So, like many others, my spectacular teeth remained as they naturally chose to arrange themselves. This was perfectly normal until television and movies started dictating all over the world what is a perfect smile and how having perfectly arranged teeth is an essential aspect of being presentable.  

When my kids got into their teens they needed to visit an orthodontist as I don't think they can survive in today's world with the kind of teeth that I have :) Occasionally, some young child tells me that my teeth need to get fixed, and I nicely tell them that they don't, they are just different from theirs, the same way as my skin color or my height or bodyweight is different than many people around me, my teeth are little different than many others around me. They accepted my answer, but their question indicated how conditioned we and our society are getting due to the standardization of certain beauty or appearance standards. I am not saying resisting these things is easy, rather, it is extremely difficult to swim against the tide. How do you enter a room where everyone is sitting in a suit and you are the only one without it, especially when you are a beginner and most people don't know who you are? It's frightening for many that they will be judged based on their teeth, body hair, or clothes. Therefore, most of us try to fit in and subscribe to the standards dictated to us. I never consciously chose not to go to the orthodontist, I never had access to them, due to money and other reasons. But when I could afford an orthodontist, it was my choice not to get my teeth "fixed." This was for all kids like me who were not aware of the dictated beauty standards. Every smile is beautiful, is a cliche, people say it, but the conditioning is so deep that you will never see a toothpaste or any other advertisement with a person like me, not because we don't smile but because our smile doesn't fit in the standardized definition of a beautiful smile.

It is also true that I never faced any problems due to my teeth, people are extremely cordial and nice to me, but I see the trauma and stress many go through at a very young age because they have something that doesn't fit into the standardized definition of beautiful. I encourage them to create their own standards and be confident about them. Wouldn't it be amazing if we all express and enjoy the beauty in our own way, rather than trying to fit in the definitions created by someone who doesn't even know us? 

Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic.