Don't use your wrong hand

My son is a leftie, which means his left hand is his dominant hand. Naturally, he uses his left hand for most of the major daily one-handed tasks (like writing, eating, and throwing). Actually, if we look around, we can easily see that the most commonly available things (like a computer mouse, cricket gloves, musical instruments like guitar, etc.) are designed with keeping right-handed people in mind just because they are in the majority. It is good to see that now left-handed versions are also available for most of these things. because of this most of the time lefties don't face any major problems, there might be a little inconvenience in getting such things but things are available for lefties also. But my son faces a huge problem whenever he goes to some Hindu religious gathering or to some pujas (a religious ritual), there he is always instructed "to use his right hand," or instructed "not to use his wrong hand" to perform rituals. This used to create lots of confusion and trouble for him. Now he is old enough to understand why people around him say this, the reason is that as right-handed people are in the majority these things are designed by only keeping them in mind. He understands this bias, but at the same time, it is puzzling to him why it is wrong to use the left hand during religious rituals? For him, the left hand is his strong and dominant hand, when someone forces him to use his right hand he doesn't understand the logic behind it. In many places he obliges and wherever possible he just ignores the instructions. If people are too rigid and adamant about using the 'right' hand then he tries to avoid those places. He tries his best to avoid any confrontation on this issue (this was one of the reasons he stopped going to ISKON gatherings). 

There are some theories and logic proposed to explain why one should use the right hand during rituals. One very common belief is that since the left hand is reserved for personal hygiene (wiping or cleaning ass after howl movements) one should always use the right hand as it's cleaner (so more pious). People from India should understand what I mean by the left hand being reserved for personal hygiene. However, this assumption is only true for right-handed people, and not every right-handed person cleans their ass with their left hand. In the past when proper sanitizers (like soap and sanitizer) were not available this thing might have made some sense, but today with all these methods at our disposal to keep us clean this tradition of using "only right hand" doesn't make any sense. It is also important to note that by insisting on using only the right hand we knowingly or unknowingly hurt people who are not right-handed, or for some reason cannot use their right hand or sometimes both hands. Such exclusionary traditions make excluded people feel awkward and abnormal. This is not a sign of an inclusive society.

I explained to my son why people insist on the use of the right hand, I also told him what are his rights as a person living in a free and democratic country. He is free to reject or accept things based on his own personal beliefs like others. I also offered him some suggestions on how to deal with these types of situations, but finally, I left it to him to choose his response and allow him to deal with these things on his own. I don't interfere unless he asks me for any help. I think now he understands people's attitudes better, he is not confused or surprised by their comments anymore, but I think not all kids get this type of support or explanation. They might start thinking that something is wrong with them or they are different than others just because they use a different hand. This might affect their confidence and behavior. Actually, we all are different and unique in some way, but still, we all are equal. We all are equal because we all are humans. Minor differences like skin color, gender, race, use of right or left hand, and sexual orientation should not result in any discrimination or discomfort to any of us. Every human should be treated with equal respect and dignity. I want my kids to grow up in a society where these differences have no place in it, where one can use whatever hand or leg (for people with no hands) to perform any ritual (religious or non-religious). This is a sign of a truly tolerant and inclusive society. I am willing to work towards building such a society and culture, are you willing to be a part of this journey?

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

(Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing)

Links:

1. Why use right hand?

Why different attitude towards son-in-law and daughter-in-law?

Some time back Chandu uncle (Chandrashekhar Vairale) shared a status update by Pallavi Trivedi on my Facebook wall and from that, I got an idea for the subject of today's post. Why do most in-laws treat very differently their son-in-law compared to their daughter-in-law? The same can be said about the son and daughter, and I feel the same feeling of gender discrimination that discriminated between son and daughter translated into a different attitude towards son-in-law and daughter-in-law. This is the case observed in most cultures, and definitely in Indian culture. I can confirm this about the Indian culture because I have spent most of my life in India and don't know in detail about other cultures. Normally, the son-in-law always gets preferential or even royal treatment whenever he visits his in-laws home but similar treatment is not offered to their daughter-in-law (except when she arrives for the first time). Now before people jump with their emotional statements and arguments about culture and traditions I know that this issue is not as simple and straightforward as it looks, there are many aspects associated with it and that's why I am writing this post, and also want to know what other people think about this topic. 

I also know that some people want to continue with such discriminatory traditions and I am interested in listening to their views also. I am not against all traditions or any culture but want to analyze things that directly or indirectly contribute to encouraging gender discrimination. Frankly, I don't care from which culture or tradition they such practices come from. So, coming back to the topic of the post. One justification people might provide is, that the son-in-law visits the house of his in-laws rarely or on specific occasions and that's why he is offered such exceptional treatment but it doesn't make any sense to offer similar treatment to the daughter-in-law as she is a permanent resident in her in-law's house. It is a very weak argument in today's world where families are becoming more and more nuclear. Most couples do not live with their in-laws anymore. However, if they do, they live with the boy's parents and not with the girl's parents. Take this very common scenario, it's expected from the daughter-in-law that she should help with household work whenever she visits her in-law's home but the same thing is not expected from the son-in-law. Isn't this a very classical example of a difference in attitude towards son-in-law and daughter-in-law? This is not an issue of culture or tradition or a natural role assigned to man and woman by God/society/nature (or whoever else), but this is a classical case of gender discrimination. This is a convenience offered to men by themselves, because of the presence of a patriarchal society for centuries there are many traditions heavily favoring men and biased towards women. Patriarchy and misogyny have designed our societies and cultures to favor particularly one gender.

The second point that people often raise is that most of these rules and restrictions are forced on women by women themselves not by men, for example, the mother-in-law forcing the daughter-in-law to follow gender-biased traditions, so, it's not fair only to blame men for gender discrimination against women. Again, it sounds very valid argument, and there is some truth in it but this is not entirely true. The issue here is not about who is implementing or forcing the rules or traditions but who designed them and why? Most bullets fired on Indians during the freedom struggle movement were fired by Indian policemen but we don't blame them for this, all blame goes to British officers who gave the firing orders. But somehow in this case it seems people want to put the blame on women just because some actions against women are performed by other women, but very seldom do people want to look into the problem carefully and understand the actual reasons behind it. I am not saying that women are not responsible for gender discriminatory practices, they are very much at fault, but at the same time, we need to consider social conditions that force such behavior. Social conditions, which involve everything from religion, culture, and traditions are the main reason for this type of behavior from both genders, and the blame rests on the shoulders of men more because they designed most of these traditions.

Gender equality is a need in today's world. We need to change our attitude and modify all traditions and rituals that openly discriminate based on gender, race, or any other thing. I am sure there will be resistance or even uproar against this change but without struggle, there will not be any change. Son-in-law or daughter-in-law are the same, there is no superior or inferior here, and they should get the same treatment. I don't think any sensible person will oppose nondiscriminatory traditions. Old is not always gold, sometimes it is trash and we need to get rid of it. Let's start new nondiscriminatory traditions and let's begin it from our own homes.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

(Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing)

Is there really tolerant religion?

There are so many religions in this world, I don't know the official count, but I am sure there are many. There is also fierce competition among them to recruit as many subjects as possible, this helps them to increase their popularity and in turn, their income and influence on people's lives. All these religions claim to teach kindness and tolerance, despite this claim, if we look at the history of every major organized religion, we can find many bloody conflicts in the name of God. So, the question that comes to my mind very often is, is there any religion that really teaches tolerance? If yes, then why people following that religion don't practice it? Are all these claims about tolerance and love fake? Do they say this just for marketing and fooling people? It seems they are tolerant and kind as long as you listen to them and follow their rituals without asking any questions, once you do anything against their wish or start asking some uncomfortable questions, then the tolerance evaporates quickly and you face their anger and hate.

Islam and Christianity are very aggressive in their marketing, and because of this, they are very successful. They believe a lot in individual or mass conversions, this is one of the major reasons for their popularity and rapid spread all over the world in such a short time (compared with other major religions like Hinduism and Buddhism). I think once they feel the need to convert somebody that means they are not okay with their original faith or beliefs, they feel those beliefs are wrong, otherwise, what's the need to convert people? All religions are not very kind towards each other's values and traditions. What is called sacred in one religion can be considered as totally blasphemous in another (for example, idol worship). They also claim to teach basically the same thing just because they all believe in the presence of some God, however, this is the only common factor (belief in god) but the rest of everything is radically different from one religion to another. Some of these things are so different that these differences have the potential to create communal riots which result in mass killings in the name of God and this is all done by people practicing religion which they claim teaches tolerance and love. I think these bloody communal conflicts started when a second religion (a competitor to the first) originated and are still going on with no end in sight.

Hinduism claims to be a very tolerant and inclusive religion, it also claims that atheism was also part of it, and this is true only to some extent. It doesn't believe in any conversions, almost each and everything is considered as God (river, mountains, sun, trees, etc.). One can list many good points about Hinduism like many other major religions but it is not free from any blemish. The history of Hinduism is also full of discrimination and violence. The biggest question mark is the issue of casteism. A particular class of society was exploited and tortured in the name of caste for thousands of years. Surprisingly some people still try to defend and justify this system, they refuse to accept that the system was terrible to begin with and allowed shameful exploitation of one class by another class. Buddhism and Jainism give a lot of importance to ahimsa (nonviolence) but then they were associated with some violent regimes and are not willing to consider that some people can have different dietary choices.

Discrimination against women and narrowly defining their role in society is common in the history of all religions. They all try their best to confine women only to particular roles and put very strict rules for their code of conduct. The effect of these teachings is so strong that still we don't see any women occupying any top positions in almost all organized religions or cult movements.

So, the point here is, that I don't see any truly tolerant religion around me. There is no religion that is tolerant of all genders (with equal rights and status), all races, and people with different sexual orientations. Every major religion practiced in the world today definitely has the potential to become inclusive but only if they are willing to get rid of their rigid mindset and sectarian views, but this sounds like an impossible task looking at the way they function now. In their present form most of them have very rigid rules (which are dictatorial in nature) these rules are only useful to exclude, criticize, or ban certain types of people who either don't fit their definition of normal or don't follow their dictate. Many of them have some dark spots in their history and they don't even accept any responsibility and forget about getting an apology.

There is no doubt that religion provides a support system and peace of mind for many even today. Many people need it for the normal functioning of their lives as they feel lost without it. It acts as a lubricant for many and gives them answers to currently unanswerable questions (right or wrong doesn't matter). It reduces their fear of death and does many other things. But in its current form, it does that job only for people who choose to believe in it blindly, without questioning anything, almost like slaves. Many times for others it creates problems and difficulties. There is no place for nonbelievers, skeptics, or people who don't follow all their rules or don't fit into their description of normal or good (like same-sex couples, working women, atheists, critics, etc). One quick glance at the history of any religion should be enough to understand what I mean. Somehow all these religions that claim to teach tolerance and patience are not so patient or tolerant towards criticism directed to their Gods.

So, my wait for a truly tolerant religion that will include everyone, with equal rights for everyone continues, my hope is that maybe one day someone will invent it, and we all will be happy. Some constitutions of democratic countries are very close to this (very inclusive) but unfortunately, no religion in its present form even comes close to them as far as tolerance is concerned. Many of these constitutions provide better rights and protection to everyone and are very tolerant of different views and opinions compared to any scripture out there. I hope major religions will someday take some clue from them and change their attitude, if not then I don't know even if their God can save them from becoming extinct.

 
Thanks for reading and please share your views.

(Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing)

Women are also humans

Women are also humans. Aren't they? I think sometimes many of us forget that and start offering them unsolicited advice. People start reminding them about their own greatness, about the duties and qualities they should possess as a part of their womanhood (like kindness, compassion, forgiveness). People start saying they need to be pious and this and that, but forget the basic fact that they are also humans just like men. Women also have some good and bad qualities like men, they are not very different, they have the same basic needs and must be given the same rights and freedom. Nothing more, nothing less.

Some time back I read one poem written by a woman student in Delhi which was quoted by Hilary Clinton in one of her speeches in India, "When a woman gives her love, as most do generously, it is accepted. When a woman shares her thoughts, as some women do, graciously, it is allowed. When a woman fights for power, as all women would like to do, quietly or loudly, it is questioned. Yes, there must be freedom, if we are to speak. And yes, there must be power, if we are to be heard. And when we have both, let us not be misunderstood." As long as women are kind, submissive, supportive, and do what everyone supposes them to do, everything is fine, the time they ask for their rights and exercise them, there is a problem. They are accused of overstepping their limits. Very recently I read a post about one foreign student's horrible experience with sexual harassment in India. The post was very heart-wrenching and disturbing. I fail to understand why some people always look at women as physical objects? Why can't they consider them just as another person like them? A person who deserves equal respect and dignified treatment which they expect for themselves.

How many more horrific examples like this do we need to show that there is some kind of sickness present in society when women are treated like this? And let me make one thing very clear here, I am not just talking about India, it's very sad these things happen in a country where female goddesses are worshiped, but this problem more or less persists everywhere. I agree that this is a major problem in India. Eve teasing is one such issue many women and girls have to face every day. But just because I shared the link where a victim shared her horrible experience in India it should not give an impression to readers that these types of things happen only in India, in fact, they happen all over the world, every society is facing this problem.

I think one of the reasons this is still happening is because many men and even some women are still not willing to accept the equal status of women in society. They still look at them just as objects to satisfy their sexual desires and other needs, nothing more. Men think that women are not equal to them just because they are physically weak compared to them, many proponents of patriarchy always cite this difference to show inequality between two genders. They still believe that mere physical strength gives men a fundamental right to dominate women in all areas and call them the weaker sex. They still want to believe that women are less capable compared to them, even though there are ample examples around us to prove that this is far from the truth. I always wonder how hard it can be to understand the simple fact that women deserve equal respect and rights. Women have already proven their strength and capabilities in all areas beyond any doubt wherever they had opportunities. They successfully challenged restrictions forcibly enforced on them by society and culture which thought they were fit only for particular jobs. It seems the demand for equality from women is a bit too much to handle for some people, they can't imagine women breaking free of the shackles put on them by patriarchy and misogyny and flying high. These people expect men and women to behave only in a particular way. They fail to understand that both are humans with equal rights and responsibilities, more importantly, they forget that women are also humans with needs and desires. Women deserve equal status and opportunities in society, nothing more or less but equal. I don't think this is an unreasonable demand at all, today or tomorrow everyone in our society has to agree to this, whether they like it or not this is going to happen.   

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

Links:
1. India: the Story You Never Wanted to Hear
2. To an American girl, an apology from India
3. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eve_teasing
4. India & A Blonde Tourist: An alternate account
5. Manal al-Sharif: A Saudi woman who dared to drive

[Copyright : Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Narendra Dabholkar - the man who challenged my beliefs

Today morning (20th August) I woke up reading the shocking news of the assassination of Dr. Narendra Dabholkar. Some unidentified men gunned him down in Pune, this was more shocking because it happened in Pune, the place where I was born and grew up, the place which is considered very progressive and tolerant, an educational capital of Maharashtra.

For me, he was the man who challenged my beliefs and my faith when I was a teenager. I came to know him through his books. I never met him personally in my life but knew him only through his books, his social movements, and his organization, Maharashtra Andhashraddha Nirmoolan Samiti (Maharashtra blind faith eradication committee). I was born and brought up in a neighborhood where superstitions were very common and regularly practiced. This was going on for years so as a part of our culture and tradition, everyone thought it was our duty to follow it. No questions were asked, and no explanations were offered. I was also one of many who followed things as instructed, blindly without asking any questions. I was scared of bad omens, prayed regularly, was proud of my caste, and used to think that I was superior to girls just because I was a boy, the list can go on and on. However, as a teenager when I read his books for the first time, I was taken aback, I was shocked, and I thought, what the heck this man is talking about? Why is he trying to destroy our culture and traditions? Why is he not talking about any other religions? But when I looked around me carefully, I realized that whatever this man was saying did make sense, whatever questions he was asking were very logical, and whatever explanations he was offering sounded logical. After initial hesitation and struggle, I started understanding this man. Due to the influence of those books on my thinking, I started questioning almost everything around me. My questioning made many people uncomfortable and angry. Some even started hating me but my questioning never stopped, when I didn't get any answers from people around me I tried to find them on my own, and it started my journey of self-realization. This man initiated it and it's still going on.

People say all superstitions are not bad, and many are harmless. I agree with this, but his fight was not only against those superstitions but was also against that mindset that forbids questioning. The mindset that crushes any objections raised against established beliefs. He fought against this along with his coworkers for more than three decades in Maharashtra on all levels. The power of his movement was so great that even the state government, not willing to touch anything that is even remotely concerned with religion for fear of hurting people's sentiments has been considering (for a long time now) bringing anti-superstition law and relentless efforts of Dr. Dabholkar and his team on all levels was one of the main reason for this development. He was about to achieve what was considered an impossible thing to do (to force the government to form a law to stop exploitation in the name of religion and God). In this whole process, he made a lot of friends as well as a lot of enemies. Some people continuously abuse him and his organization, they brand him anti-Hindu, and anti-God. They want to preserve inhuman practices and rituals in the name of culture and tradition, for them, he was their number one enemy. But as they couldn't defeat him intellectually and couldn't answer his questions, they wanted to shut him up, and stop him from asking more uncomfortable questions, finally they did it by killing him. But people like Dabholkar don't die, they live through their ideas and thoughts. His physical presence is not required to carry on his mission. He has empowered many people who can fight against this social evil.

I am really sad due to his murder, but he was a fighter and he died like a fighter. This was the man who challenged my beliefs and my faith, made me angry, shook me, educated me about superstitions that were very common around me, then, ultimately changed my outlook. He shaped my thinking and taught me to ask questions. I am sure like me he changed many others. His murder is a slap on the progressive movement in Maharashtra, it's a real shame that such a thing happened in the state that calls itself progressive, the state that produced reformists like Phule and Karve. As a Maharashtrian, I am really ashamed. Those antisocial elements who were scared of his ability to expose lies gunned him down, as they couldn't defeat him intellectually so they killed him like a coward, the same as some people did to Mahatma Gandhi. His spirit won't die, there are 100s of Narendra Dabholkars now, how many they can kill?

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this incident.

(Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing)

Links:

1. Anti-superstition leader Narendra Dabholkar shot dead

2. http://antisuperstition.org/

Why I still use my last name

Recently, I was sharing my views in a Facebook discussion related to the caste system in India. I don't support this system and believe that it is a totally flawed and unfair system. It should be banished as soon as possible because it divides people based on their birth. During the discussion, one person who was trying to justify this system using the usual arguments like the original system was flawless and people messed it up, caste is not decided by birth, said that even though some of us are against this system we all still proudly use our surnames (or last names). He also claimed that the reason we still use it is we all feel proud to associate ourselves with the glory of our last name. While many are really proud of their caste and like to flaunt it as some sort of achievement, I am not one of them. Normally, the last name or surname in India indicates so many things (like place of origin, profession of ancestors, caste or office of authority, etc.). Mostly they indicateUnfortunately, in India the last names are used to find the caste of a person. Most people who like to flaunt their last name belong to those so-called upper castes. 

Now some people might think that I am against the use of last names/surnames because they indicate a person's caste. No, not at all, rather, I come from a state in India (Maharashtra) which I think has the largest variety of surnames, some of them are really unique and funny. Nothing wrong with any names, after all, what's there in the name, but its association with a particular caste is the problem. 

For most of us, our name is decided by our parents, and before we know anything about caste or religion that name is printed on all our official documents. Changing our first or last name is not an easy thing. Also, this is just a technical point, one can change the name if one wants. For most Indians, my last name is an easy giveaway to know which caste I belong to, so it's obvious to ask, why I still carry on that tag which represents the system in which I don't believe and don't have any respect. A valid question to ask. Actually, at one point, I thought of removing it, but it's a very complicated process and this can't be an excuse. I also thought what purpose will it serve? I didn't get find any satisfactory reason to get rid of it and that's the reason I still have it. Our identities should not be slaves of our names, I feel my identity will remain the same irrespective of my first name or last name. My last name also acts as a reminder for me, a reminder of the horrible past where this system that offers this unique identity to that name allowed the exploitation of millions of people in the name of caste. So, even though I don't believe in that system, my last name reminds me of that system which still exists and is practiced. I am waiting for the day when the name will cease to have any superior or inferior community status tag associated with it.

Believe it or not, many people still love to talk proudly about their caste and glorify it. There is no surprise that most of these people belong to either Brahmin, warrior (Kshatriya), or vaishya (business class) castes, the so-called top three varnas of the caste system. These three castes are guilty of exploiting castes belonging to the fourth varna, shudra. Shudras (all lower castes including untouchables) were exploited by all other varnas for centuries because of this caste system. They were treated worse than animals (cattle were treated better than them). So, I wonder how can one be proud of a name tag associated with the caste that allowed horrible things to happen for centuries. Not only did people from the upper castes allow it to happen, but they were also actively involved in it, and when Shudras protested against this injustice these so-called upper castes tried their best to crush their protest and preserve this system which gave them an unfair advantage. Fortunately, untouchability doesn't exist in India anymore, at least not in its original form, but the caste system is still present. It plays a very important role in politics and marriages. There were many attempts to eradicate it but it is so deeply rooted in people's minds that they are not willing to let it go.

My last name acts as a good reminder for me that we still need to fight against this system which still exists and divides people based on their birth. For me, the name doesn't have any special meaning.  There is nothing special about my name, I need to give that name a unique identity, and I refuse to associate with any identity that name offers me without my consent and approval. As far as my kids are concerned it's entirely up to them if they want to carry this last name or not. They were not aware of the meaning of this name until I explained it to them, this is because they live in a country where this name doesn't have any obvious meaning. It doesn't suggest or indicate anything to people around except, obviously for Indians. So, my kids are quite neutral about their last name, which is the way it should be. But that's not the case with me, because I know what it means, even though that meaning is not important or has any significance to me, I know very well what it means, and what it indicates. So, it's my conscious decision to keep that name. It is in one way a reminder for me of all autocracies committed against those innocent people in the name of caste.

I wait for the day when my last name will cease to have any association with any caste, they will be like just any other name which is totally personal, not social. People will offer an identity to their names, and the name won't differentiate people based on their birth, the same way a skin color should not decide a person's social status but their own work and efforts decide it. Hopefully, in the near future, names will mean nothing and will not indicate any caste and categorize people. It may or may not happen in my lifetime but I believe I must try to eradicate this system, my fight will continue as long as people know which caste my last name belongs. I want it to become a caste-neutral name, and people like me can do that. Casteism, racism, gender discrimination, or any type of discrimination are social evils, and we all need to take efforts to eradicate them from society as soon as possible.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

(Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing)

Links:

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Varna_(Hinduism)

2. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caste_system_in_India

Teenage - challenge for both parents and kids

Recently my daughter entered her teenage years and I already started to feel the effects (or side effects) of it. I try my best to have a very friendly relationship with my kids. They have total freedom to discuss and argue about any issues and topics they want, but even after all this I am not their friend, I am just a friendly parent. Even though I consider myself a very liberal and patient parent, I find myself in the middle of so many arguments and debates with my kids, especially with my daughter. We argue about so many issues related to behavior, politics, movies, celebrities, and many other things there is absolutely no end to topics for us. I find that on many issues she has a totally different opinion than me and sometimes it totally surprises me but when I look back and recollect my own teenage days I realize that I was also like this. Teenage was the time when I started reading other books apart from my study books, I was introduced to vast and diverse Marathi literature and those books and readings shaped my thinking in those years. I started questioning many things that were happening around me. I argued over many customs and rituals which I found were totally outdated and should have been abandoned long back and I think the same thing is happening with my kids. They are growing up in a totally different world than the world in which I grew up, this is the era of the internet, cable TV, and smartphones.

As I wrote in my previous post related to how to train our kids, I believe that every generation is better equipped to collect knowledge than the previous generation (mostly because of advancements in technology). They also have different thinking and different sets of rules, different distractions as well as different lifestyles. The generation gap remains between every two generations, nowadays it's much narrower but still, I can feel that gap. At different stages of life, people think differently. Teenage years are unique in this aspect, our body undergoes a lot of physical and hormonal changes and they all affect our behavior and thinking in some way or other. At this age, kids also have their own perception, and a very strong perception, about the world around them. Most of the time they feel more closer or more connected to their friends than their parents or siblings. I think most of today's parents try their best to become friends with their kids but very few are successful in this. Of course, age difference and their relationship (as a parent) play an important role in making this task somewhat difficult, but I think every parent should try to cultivate a friendly parent-child relationship.

As a teenager, kids also go through a lot of stress and pressure. This is the time when for the first time they are trying to come out of the shadows of their parents. They start feeling the power of their personality and feel the need for independence and because of this, they try to reject any control or restrictions imposed on them against their will. Many times, this results in conflict with their parents, and if not handled properly this conflict may turn ugly and become very painful for both. Healthy arguments and discussions are fine, they are necessary to share ideas and understand each other's views but one should be always careful not to turn arguments into verbal fights. Teenagers have very complex thinking patterns, it's not easy for them to deal with changes around them and parents need to understand that these kids are also facing so many new challenges in this phase of life.

Parents should try to help them as their guides and mentors. Kids should feel confident in coming to their parents and discussing with them their problems. Children should not be scared or worried about their parent's reactions all the time. This worry creates a lot of stress in their mind and they start to behave differently in front of their parents just to avoid their comments or reactions. Parents should try their best to make their children feel comfortable so that they can express themselves freely. Remember, this is a very important phase of our kid's life and our attitude towards them can change the course of our relationship with them. Every child is special, they all have unique qualities and talents, we just need to provide them a nurturing and encouraging environment. If we do this, then parenthood at all stages can be a very fulfilling process.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Reference:
1. Link to watch documentary "Inside teenage brain" documentary
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvmMiFHTifY

Seeing the Girl - a classic example of gender-bias

"Seeing the Girl" is one of the very important processes in the case of arranged marriage. This process may sound outrageous or very backward to many who don't know about the process of arranged marriage, but it is still a very important part of arranged marriage and it's still practiced widely.  Also, this is not just limited to villages or rural areas, but educated people, living in big cities or abroad also practice this ritual. I always felt that this process was a very humiliating process for prospective brides. I felt bad for them that they had to go through this and always admired their courage and the efforts they took to go through this process without complaining.

The process itself is not very standard and can differ widely from region to region or family to family. In many places, they just want to make sure that it's the same girl (whose photo they saw), and that she doesn't have some obvious issues that were not disclosed to them (like some disability, etc.). Some families want girls to display their talents like singing, dancing, cooking, etc. Some people take proper interview of that girl by asking a variety of questions starting from her hobbies to her career goals to her opinion about living in a joint family, etc. So, the process can vary from place to place and family to family. I think this process was necessary for an era of child marriages, especially when women (of any age) were not allowed to go out of home and men-women interaction was minimal outside of the family. During that time it might have been necessary to go and interview potential brides. "Swayamvara" was one unique tradition in ancient India where a girl used to choose her future husband from a list of suitable candidates, this ritual gave all the right to girl to choose whoever they liked as their future life partner, but this was in ancient India, today one can only see very distorted version of this on some reality shows.

I am not against arranged marriage or social traditions where people can meet and try to know each other before deciding to get married. But having a social gathering to know each other is one thing and when a group of people analyzes physically and interviews only girls as if she is some article they want to purchase is a totally different thing. In most cases, people who should be actually involved (bride and groom) never even get a chance to interact with each other, which is a major flaw of this process (especially in very conservative families). When I expressed my desire to have a face-to-face meeting with my wife before our marriage everyone in our family was shocked and they were wondering what purpose this meeting will serve? They never heard of any boy meeting the girl before marriage in their community, so it was confusing and shocking to them.

I feel this process of seeing the girl should be abandoned for good or at least made gender-neutral. A bride has an equal right to get to know her future groom, so the process should be balanced for both. It should be entirely left to the prospective couple to decide whether they want to go through this process or not and the decision of marriage also should be theirs. I am sure that today's generation is mature enough to take decisions about such an important step in their lives. Let's give them a chance I am sure they won't disappoint their elders. After all, it's their life and they are more concerned about it than anyone else, so just believe in them and give them a chance.

Thanks for reading and please share your views about this topic. 

(Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing)

Mosque wall and the statue of Shivaji

I read these two news articles on the same day, first was the report of the suspension of IAS officer Durga Shakti Nagpal by the UP government to avoid communal tension after she ordered to demolition of the wall of an illegally under-construction mosque, and the other news was about objection on removal of statue of Shivaji Maharaj from entrance of one new museum in Pune. In both cases the officers responsible for the maintenance of law and order acted to remove unauthorized structures, I believe that both acted according to present law and there was no other intention behind these actions. In the first case, the officer became a hero for acting according to the law and not bowing to political pressure but in the second case police officers who ordered the removal of that statue are treated like villains. Religion plays playing a huge part in both cases. Depending on their faith people react differently if an illegally constructed temple is demolished instead of a mosque and vice versa. There are people who support the destruction tomb of Afjal Khan (a Mugal officer who was killed by Shivaji), but the same people are against the removal of an unauthorized Shivaji statue. Ironically, the tomb that they want to destroy was built by Shivaji himself. This is an ideal example of a double standard and hypocritical behavior by people who want to bring religion, especially Hindu-Muslim conflict, in each and every issue (as it polarizes people which in turn brings a lot of media attention).

Both these actions are actually very routine incidents that happen every day as regular administrative processes. Demolition of illegal structures is not a new thing, but it always creates a lot of controversy if some religious structure is involved. Most people switch off their common sense and logical thinking when they deal with religion and politics. Both these institutions love to control people's minds and people oblige in large numbers, which gives them a lot of power and strength. These news articles clearly show how difficult it is to create religious harmony in Indian society, as long as these narrow-minded elements from all religions are present in society this task is going to be very challenging. I already wrote about the "secular and communal trap" that most political parties use to fool their voters and hide their own failures and corruption. Equal blame is on all voters and citizens who allow these parties and religious institutions to exploit them. These institutes are thousands of years old and their effect is very strong on the human psyche.

When the administration starts thinking about whether to implement a law just because of fear of hurting the religious sentiments then definitely there is a problem. According to me this can happen only because of two reasons, either the administration is not strong enough or courageous enough to act against these anti-social elements or they are only interested in playing politics of appeasement, the politics of divide and rule. This policy of divide and rule is used by various rulers to control their masses because they know that if the masses unite they will discover the truth and then it's not good for them.

I think it's up to us to decide how long we are going to allow them to divide us and exploit us. There will be always people who fall prey to these divisive politics but we need to try our best to make more and more people aware of this trap. Only voters can make these politicians realize that this divisive politics won't work anymore and they should do the work that they are supposed to do. We need to change ourselves first then only politicians will be forced to change, let's hope every one of us contributes their share to bringing that change.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

(Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing)

Links:
1. Shivaji Maharaj statue removed from the entrance gate of FACT museum
2. U.P. IAS officers, Opposition slam Nagpal’s suspension
3. Furious IAS officers protest against Durga Shakti Nagpal's suspension

Communal and Secular trap

Politics is a subject of my interest along with many other subjects, and as the major part of my life was spent in India I am interested in Indian politics more than American politics. As far as I remember Indian politics revolves around these two terms, "communal" and "secular." BJP was already an active player in Indian politics when I started taking an interest in it and the use of these two terms has been very common since then. The oldest and largest political party in India, the Indian National Congress or Congress (I) takes immense pride in calling itself a "secular" party and they (and many other parties with similar ideology) love to label BJP and most of its allies as "communal" mostly because of their involvement in Ayodhya Ram Mandir issue (which gave them chance to come in power) and pro-Hindu stance in general. This blame game has been going on for decades. Both sides try to fool voters by using these two labels that's why I call this a "communal and secular trap" for Indian voters and we all are badly trapped in it so badly that many other important issues like corruption, good governance, development, job creation, women empowerment, and social security, hardly come into discussion during elections. Secularism and communalism always become major electoral issues. Electoral battles are always fought on communal or secular grounds and voters are emotionally challenged and lured into one of these traps. Political parties also know that this strategy works very well and that's why they are using it again and again in every election. It will be interesting to see how long Indian voters keep on falling into the same trap.

Religion and caste are integral parts of Indian politics. Most parties select their candidates based on these two criteria, therefore, many times candidate's religion or caste becomes his/her biggest qualification. I have seen educated voters voting exclusively based on these things, they just vote for a particular candidate because he/she belongs to their caste, and don't even check the suitability of that candidate for that particular post. These people fail to understand that politics and religion are two different fields and should be treated separately, but because of so much clever blending of religion with politics, people fail to separate them. Both (political parties and religious institutes) like to control people by controlling their thought processes and they both use similar strategies that's why it's not surprising that they take the help of each other to keep their control over the masses. 

I wonder how a country where your caste and religion are asked on every official form, where a movie or a minor incident could trigger communal riots and ethnic violence can call itself secular? The spirit of secularism has been on the verge of dying by multiple cuts in the last many years. The word "secular" has become like an abuse and people ridicule anyone who dares to associate with this word. So-called secular parties blame communal parties for majority appeasement and accuse them of minority intimidation and in turn, so-called communal parties accuse secular parties of minority appeasement and blame them for the negligence of the majority community. This blame game has been going on for years and because of this, there is a polarization between the majority and minority communities. In reality, both the majority and minorities are struggling with neither of them getting any benefit. The real beneficiaries in this fight are the political parties, poor voters are still struggling with their day to day problems, still waiting for good governance, but as long as they don't come out of this deadly trap their wait will continue.

Thanks for reading and please share your views about this topic. 

(Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing)