Is teenage parenthood very different than child marriage?

This question came up in my mind during one of my discussions with my daughter. We were discussing the merits and demerits of high school kids dating each other. Teenage dating, especially in high schools is a part of the modern-day culture in many developed countries, even in developing countries like India it is becoming very common. In countries like the US, dating starts during high school or middle school, and in countries like India, it used to start during college. The main reason for this time difference is that in India high schools still have a very restricted environment with a requirement of uniforms, a lot of rules and regulations about appearance and many of them are not even co-ed schools whereas in the US there are relatively unrestricted and free environment in schools. Teenage is a very important phase of any individual's life, many physical and psychological changes take place in us. We get transformed physically and well as mentally during these years. This can be called the transition phase of our transformation from child to adult. Many of us become aware of our own sexuality, this is also the time when we start getting attracted to other people sexually. I guess dating is a result of all these changes and in many Western countries, it is a socially accepted phenomenon. Most TV shows or movies propagate this culture, and because of all this aggressive marketing dating has become a necessary activity during high school days for most kids. There is tremendous peer pressure on kids to fit into this culture, and many kids desperately seek a partner as their boyfriend or girlfriend. Relationships are formed and destroyed, and this eventually leads to things like breakups and frustrations associated with it. Kids have to deal with all these things along with their studies, homework, college preparations, and expectations of their parents. Some of them manage these things very well, some just can't handle this all and suffer from depression, anxiety, panic, and many other problems. This has also created a very serious problem of teenage pregnancies. This issue of underage (less than 18 years) girls becoming pregnant and eventually teenage moms is a very important issue. This is important for the future of those newborn infants as well as their underage parents. School kids becoming parents has to be a serious matter for any society. How can a kid bear the complete responsibility of another kid? Many people might say that teenage pregnancy and dating are totally separate issues but according to me they are very closely related.

Fortunately, child marriage is illegal in most parts of the world today, it used to be a very common thing not very long ago. But today many countries have strong laws against child marriage and it has reduced significantly. In this case, kids are coerced to enter into a romantic relationship without even knowing what that relationship actually means. This coercion is not overt, but subtle through movies and other social channels. In the case of child marriage, everything was done under the family's guidance as kids used to be very young and there was no age limit to get married. This was a socially accepted phenomenon in many societies (India was one of them), but we all agree that it was a terrible practice. This ridiculous practice stopped because it created many social problems like the issue of child widows. These young girls used to become widows before even knowing that they were married and then they were forced to live very restricted lives for no fault of theirs. Many old men used to marry girls much younger than them by misusing this system, this all resulted in social uproar against this system, and slowly it was abolished socially and legally.

Friendship is a very beautiful thing and an essential part of our lives. Many of our serious and long-lasting friendships are formed during school and college days. But it seems someone felt that for high school kids, just friendship is not enough they also need to have more serious relationships, and teenage dating was invented. During the teenage years there are a lot of hormonal and physical changes in the human body, and physical attraction to others normally starts at that age. Therefore, no wonder that social acceptance of unmonitored teenage dating was an instant hit among teenagers. There are merits and demerits associated with this approach, especially when there is a possibility of sexual encounters in these types of relationships. As kids, many times they don't understand the consequences of their acts, sexual intercourse is a physical act but it can have many biological, social, and emotional consequences. Emotional and social consequences might differ from person to person but biological consequences are the same for all. Biology doesn't care whether you are a teenager or an adult, whether it is consensual sex or rape, any careless or unprotected sexual act can result in a pregnancy that can ultimately result in parenthood, and being a parent is a huge personal and social responsibility. The teenage pregnancy issue is a byproduct of this uncontrolled dating culture which starts too early in kids' lives, so early that many of them don't even know what a relationship means and what are the consequences of some of their actions. Proper sex education and spreading awareness about these issues is the only way to handle this problem of teenage parenthood. There needs to be a sense among today's youth about what is proper and what is improper sexual behavior. School years are a very important part of anyone's life, this is the time to learn new things, get ready to face new challenges of the future, and form long-lasting friendships, school is not a place to look for a life partner or indulge in unsafe sexual acts.

The culture of child marriage was abolished because many people started misusing it, this rampant misuse made some people protest against it, and slowly that protest created a big social movement that abolished that practice from many societies. I always feel sorry for kids who are busy thinking about their partner's likes and dislikes, how to get over breakups, or whether someone is sexually attracted to them or not. They all do these things at the age when they should be enjoying their school life without thinking about such complicated things. We all get ample time in our lives starting from our college days to worry about these things but school days are not the time to worry about these things. School life has its own style of romance but depression, breakups, and anxiety are not supposed to be part of that romance. I know that teenage parenthood and child marriage are totally different subjects but somehow I see some parallels in both of them, maybe I am wrong that is why I would like to know what others feel about this issue.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Teenage - challenge for both parents and kids

Recently my daughter entered her teenage years and I already started to feel the effects (or side effects) of it. I try my best to have a very friendly relationship with my kids. They have total freedom to discuss and argue about any issues and topics they want, but even after all this I am not their friend, I am just a friendly parent. Even though I consider myself a very liberal and patient parent, I find myself in the middle of so many arguments and debates with my kids, especially with my daughter. We argue about so many issues related to behavior, politics, movies, celebrities, and many other things there is absolutely no end to topics for us. I find that on many issues she has a totally different opinion than me and sometimes it totally surprises me but when I look back and recollect my own teenage days I realize that I was also like this. Teenage was the time when I started reading other books apart from my study books, I was introduced to vast and diverse Marathi literature and those books and readings shaped my thinking in those years. I started questioning many things that were happening around me. I argued over many customs and rituals which I found were totally outdated and should have been abandoned long back and I think the same thing is happening with my kids. They are growing up in a totally different world than the world in which I grew up, this is the era of the internet, cable TV, and smartphones.

As I wrote in my previous post related to how to train our kids, I believe that every generation is better equipped to collect knowledge than the previous generation (mostly because of advancements in technology). They also have different thinking and different sets of rules, different distractions as well as different lifestyles. The generation gap remains between every two generations, nowadays it's much narrower but still, I can feel that gap. At different stages of life, people think differently. Teenage years are unique in this aspect, our body undergoes a lot of physical and hormonal changes and they all affect our behavior and thinking in some way or other. At this age, kids also have their own perception, and a very strong perception, about the world around them. Most of the time they feel more closer or more connected to their friends than their parents or siblings. I think most of today's parents try their best to become friends with their kids but very few are successful in this. Of course, age difference and their relationship (as a parent) play an important role in making this task somewhat difficult, but I think every parent should try to cultivate a friendly parent-child relationship.

As a teenager, kids also go through a lot of stress and pressure. This is the time when for the first time they are trying to come out of the shadows of their parents. They start feeling the power of their personality and feel the need for independence and because of this, they try to reject any control or restrictions imposed on them against their will. Many times, this results in conflict with their parents, and if not handled properly this conflict may turn ugly and become very painful for both. Healthy arguments and discussions are fine, they are necessary to share ideas and understand each other's views but one should be always careful not to turn arguments into verbal fights. Teenagers have very complex thinking patterns, it's not easy for them to deal with changes around them and parents need to understand that these kids are also facing so many new challenges in this phase of life.

Parents should try to help them as their guides and mentors. Kids should feel confident in coming to their parents and discussing with them their problems. Children should not be scared or worried about their parent's reactions all the time. This worry creates a lot of stress in their mind and they start to behave differently in front of their parents just to avoid their comments or reactions. Parents should try their best to make their children feel comfortable so that they can express themselves freely. Remember, this is a very important phase of our kid's life and our attitude towards them can change the course of our relationship with them. Every child is special, they all have unique qualities and talents, we just need to provide them a nurturing and encouraging environment. If we do this, then parenthood at all stages can be a very fulfilling process.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Reference:
1. Link to watch documentary "Inside teenage brain" documentary
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvmMiFHTifY

Why so much emphasis on biological motherhood?

The post is not only about biological motherhood but in general about biological parenthood. I specifically mentioned motherhood in the title as it gets highlighted everywhere and is a more glorified term compared to fatherhood or parenthood. Do we over-glorify or give so much importance to biological parenthood? No doubt that parenthood (becoming a mother or father) is one of the most beautiful things in this world, but why do we give so much importance to the biological part of it? Any capable adult can become a parent either by biological means or legal means (adoption). However, our society puts so much emphasis on biological parenthood that all other forms of parenthood are given secondary status. Even discussing other parenthood options are social taboo in many societies. Even some modern techniques for biological parenthood like in vitro fertilization, test tube babies, and surrogacy are the subject of heavy criticism by various conservative groups because they think some of these techniques directly interfere with the area of expertise of their God.

The biological part of parenthood seems so important that if for some reason couples can not conceive a child naturally (even after medical treatment) they feel very depressed (which is natural) but then they start thinking that they are missing something big in their life. They start running to temples and so many so-called Gurus to get a biological child, but somehow many of them don't think about other options available to them to become a parent. The main reason they feel hesitant to consider other options is the stigma associated with those methods as well as lack of knowledge. They also think that other types of parenthood are not as rewarding as natural parenthood. Eventually, they start feeling that something is wrong with their life. People or their relatives start feeling bad for them and feel sympathy for them. Those women are labeled as barren (like a barren land that cannot produce anything) and many times face torture and emotional trauma. Sometimes these women are not invited to social functions as they are considered a bad omen.

Generally, the entire blame for a couple's infertility is put on a woman (especially in non-developed countries or conservative societies). I have seen this happening in India (and I am sure it happens in many other countries too). Most of the time this happens without even doing any proper medical checkup. If a couple can not conceive 1-2 years after marriage then in most cases blame is automatically put on the wife but not on the husband. In many societies, for men to have some medical problem related to infertility is something very shameful. This is something that questions their manhood. They are called impotent or so many other names (most of them are insulting or derogatory terms), and because of this many men don't even like to go for any medical checkup for this type of problem. Due to the social stigma associated with these things in some societies, men try to avoid this issue or try to hide these types of problems. Actually, there are so many reasons for male infertility or female infertility and there is nothing shameful in either of them. Many infertility-related conditions are treatable, it is entirely a personal health matter and no one should be judged or discriminated against based on their medical history. I think just because our society gives so much importance to biological parenthood the act of becoming a parent is considered as the proof confirming one's manhood or womanhood and failing to do so is considered as something shameful.

In many societies still, women's main duty is to give birth to kids after marriage (especially a male child as heir to the family). If they fail to do so then they face many problems. Even if for whatever reasons (like career, personal unwillingness, finances, or anything else) they don't want to have a child they are pressured in various ways. They are reminded very often about "their most important duty" and "obligation" as a wife or daughter-in-law. This pressure is so huge that most women (educated or uneducated doesn't matter) surrender to it and a few who don't budge under this pressure face many problems and survive in a relationship only when they have the total support of their partner. I wonder why so much importance is given to biological parenthood in many societies and cultures? If we look at ancient stories or some famous mythological characters (like Krishna, Jesus, etc.) many of them have unknown biological origins or lived with adopted parents and led a very normal and successful life. We like their stories, recite them again and again, and love these characters, but even after all this we believe that life is not complete without having "our own' kids." A biological heir to a family is a must for many, why?

Many people make a big mess of beautiful concepts like parenthood by overemphasizing the biological aspect of it. Parenthood is a beautiful thing, very rewarding for both, the child and its parents but parenthood is parenthood no matter what. Whether it's via adoption, childbirth, or any other legal means, any adult can become a great parent if he or she wants. All parents can enjoy this process equally well and if they are not interested in this process, then also it's perfectly fine no need to bother them. People can live complete lives as they choose with or without kids. We should respect each other's personal choices. We have already stereotyped many things let's keep at least parenthood out of it. Many children need parents and many people need a child to fulfill their desire for parenthood, we all can help them by removing the social stigma associated with nonbiological forms of parenthood. I salute all parents who adopt a child even though they can have a child by biological means, not everyone can do this but people who do this are great social reformers. I believe that there is definitely more in life apart from biological parenthood. I am not trying to diminish its importance but sometimes people give way too much importance to this. Let's keep parenthood simple and not make complicated than what already it is.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Links:

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infertility
2. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/In_vitro_fertilisation
3. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Surrogacy