Breaking the Silence: Why Couples Should Talk About Sex

Sex is still a taboo topic in many societies, and India and the US are no exceptions. Even today, especially in Indian or Indian origin households, many parents scramble to change the channel if a kissing scene appears on screen while their children—sometimes even teenagers—are around. The discomfort around discussing sex is so ingrained that even couples in long-term relationships struggle to bring it up. But why? Why do couples freely discuss politics, finances, entertainment, and sports but hesitate when it comes to sex—something that is fundamental to our relationships and overall well-being?

The Paradox of Silence

People openly discuss matters that are important to them. Political enthusiasts engage in heated debates, movie buffs dissect the latest releases, and financial planners talk endlessly about investments and savings. However, sex—despite being a crucial part of romantic relationships—remains largely unspoken. Even though most couples agree that physical intimacy is vital to their happiness and connection, they avoid conversations about their desires, needs, and concerns.

This paradox exists because of deep-rooted cultural conditioning. Many societies, especially conservative ones, have long portrayed sex as something private, shameful, or even sinful. This messaging leads to guilt, embarrassment, and the mistaken belief that talking about sex somehow diminishes its sanctity. But most of us fail to understand that this silence can be more damaging.

Why Talking About Sex Matters

1. Strengthens Emotional Connection – Open discussions about sex foster trust, intimacy, and emotional closeness among couples. When couples can talk about their desires, boundaries, and needs without fear of judgment, they build a deeper bond.

2. Prevents Misunderstandings and Frustration – Many relationships suffer because of unmet expectations or dissatisfaction in the bedroom. Couples recognize that there is a problem but they shy away from even acknowledging it. Talking openly about what you enjoy, what you don’t, and what you’d like to explore ensures that both partners feel fulfilled and valued.

3. Encourages a Healthy and Satisfying Sex Life – A fulfilling sex life is linked to overall relationship satisfaction. Couples who communicate about sex tend to have better intimacy, which in turn strengthens their partnership in other aspects of life.

4. Reduces Anxiety and Insecurity – Silence breeds insecurity and frustration. When one partner hesitates to express their needs or concerns, it can lead to feelings of rejection or inadequacy. It can send misleading signals that can be easily avoided. Open conversations eliminate doubt and create a safe space for honesty.

5. Enhances Problem-Solving – Just like any other aspect of a relationship, sexual challenges can arise. Whether it’s a difference in libido, medical issues, or emotional roadblocks, discussing them together leads to constructive solutions rather than bottled-up resentment. Sex-related medical issues are like any other medical issue. We are getting better with mental health-related issues but are still lagging behind with sex health-related issues. 

How to Start the Conversation

For many, bringing up sex in conversation feels daunting. Here are some ways to ease into it:

• Choose the Right Moment – Avoid discussing sensitive topics during arguments or stressful situations. Instead, find a relaxed and comfortable setting.

• Be Honest but Gentle – Express your thoughts and desires openly but in a way that is considerate of your partner’s feelings. Remember, being honest doesn't mean being abrasive and hurtful, one can be gentle and still be honest.

• Use Media as a Conversation Starter – If watching a movie or reading an article or social media post about relationships, use it as a jumping-off point to start the conversation.

• Normalize the Discussion – The more you talk about it, the easier it becomes. Normalize discussing intimacy just as you would any other important relationship matter. If there is no shame in engaging in a sexual act as a couple, then there must not be any shame in discussing this topic.

Sex is not just a physical act—it is a crucial part of a romantic relationship that fosters love, intimacy, and connection. If couples can talk about their finances, careers, and hobbies, they should also feel comfortable discussing their sexual needs and desires. Breaking the silence on this topic will lead to stronger, healthier relationships built on trust, understanding, and mutual satisfaction. If your relationship matters to you, then all aspects related to it should also matter. As couples, it’s time to talk openly about sex, without shame or hesitation—because a fulfilling relationship deserves nothing less.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

*Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com 

Consent must be taught in schools

In one of the web series, a courtroom drama, the lawyer while defending a rape accused says that consent is a great area. This statement is not uncommon, many around us do not understand the importance of consent in a relationship or sexual encounter. Consent is an essential requirement for any sexual encounter, whether that encounter is casual or within any formal relationship like a marriage or civil union, does not eliminate the requirement for consent. Marriage or any other relationship does not give an individual the right to violate or override the consent of another individual, especially for their willingness to engage in a sexual act. So, even after consent is of such great importance, you will be amazed to know that not many are aware of it. For many, it is a gray area because they are ignorant about it. Even though there are many resources available to learn about the meaning of consent under various circumstances, very few people take advantage of it. This is the reason I am advocating that consent should be taught in schools. Like any other good habit like saying sorry, thank you, or excuse me, the importance of having the consent of another person should be part of day to day vocabulary of everyone and schools are a good place to start highlighting it.

Any sexual encounter is a private act, normally, only people involved in the act are the witnesses of that act. Therefore, if there is a dispute, it becomes difficult to decide who is right and who is wrong. Not having a clear understanding of what consent means and how to interpret verbal and non-verbal signals correctly makes things more complicated. It should be clear to everyone that not saying no does not mean yes. This is simple, a person may hesitate to say no for a variety of reasons, there are too many reasons to list, therefore, the absence of no should not be interpreted as yes under any circumstance. There must be some expressed affirmative signal and it is the responsibility of the initiator to obtain that signal to make sure it is a consensual act. 

Also, it is more important to know that consent can be withdrawn at any point for any reason. Given consent, in any sexual act, is a privilege of the person who offers it and it is their right to withdraw anytime they feel they are not ready. This should not be difficult to understand. If the person who is on the receiving end cannot deal with that withdrawal and feels the urge to fulfill their initiated sexual desire, they have other means like masturbation to quench their sexual desire. Violating the rights of another to engage in consensual sex cannot be a reason under any circumstances. Traditional institutions like marriage also do not give license to an individual to violate the rights of his or her partner. Spouses don't have the right to rape each other, if it is wrong to force yourself on another outside marriage then it must be wrong within marriage also. Marriage does not offer up any license to ignore or violate the personal rights of our partner, rather were should respect those rights.

Humans are different compared to other animals, we behave differently socially compared to other animals. The same is true for our sexual acts, they have to be consensual otherwise there is no difference between us and animals if we force each other just to satisfy our sexual urges. Our relationships will become stronger and more fulfilling if we respect each other's choices. If we respect each other's willingness to participate. This is why let's start teaching the meaning and importance of consent as early as possible. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

We all are transgenders in someway

While watching this program on NDTV about the situation of transgenders in Indian society, I was wondering what is the reason these people are so stereotyped that they can't live a normal life in most societies around the world. By normal life, I mean getting the same treatment and opportunities that most of us so-called "normal" or "cisgender" people get. In India, most of them are forced into the sex trade or live in ghettos because of the way society treats them. Why it is so difficult for any society to accept them as equal citizens or for that matter why we are so apprehensive about anything that doesn't fit the age-old definition of "normal"? Who decides what is normal and what is not? Is most common mean normal and something uncommon becomes abnormal? We need to ask such questions to counter this narrative which has been going on uninterrupted for centuries. It is really sad to see that some people among us get discriminated against for something natural. They face various difficulties and problems not because of their mistakes or actions, but just because of who they are. This attitude of they are different than us or they are not normal, so they can't be with us or our kids will become like them needs to be questioned, everyone needs to get a fair chance to fulfill their ambitions and desires, as a society it is our responsibility to create such environment. Most of us agree with this statement, but as a society, our behavior doesn't match this statement.

Sex is determined by DNA and gender is something how we present ourselves in society, both don't need to match. We are taught and conditioned on how men or women should behave or conduct themselves in society. We are taught what is masculine and what is feminine, based on this conditioning we develop our own perception of our own gender and also try to define other's gender. This perception and stereotyping also decide what we call normal and what we consider abnormal. We are also trained to reject, denounce, or stay away from these so-called abnormal people. Most of us follow all these traditions or rules without even giving any serious thought or consideration about their logic and relevance. Many of us fail to question these perceptions which are passed on to us by our society. We follow them as part of tradition or culture, but we never bother to check their relevance or validity. Once anything whether it is good or bad becomes a part of tradition or culture it stays there for a long time. Many societies also develop some protective attitudes towards such traditions as they consider them an integral part of their identity. This is one of the main reasons why many people hesitate to question these things openly. I agree that it is not easy to challenge or fight against ancient traditions and rituals, but if they are wrong someone needs to challenge them. But the problem is that there is not a very conducive environment in most societies that can encourage questioning or dissent, rather few who dare to question have to face many hostile reactions. Transgenders are victims of such wrong traditions and misconceptions. According to me, we all have some transgender qualities in some way or other, therefore, it should be easy for all cisgender to relate with transgenders, provided we overcome all our prejudices and biases. We all possess a unique set of qualities, there is no defined set of masculine and feminine qualities which are exclusive to any one particular sex. A variety of feelings or characteristics can be found in both sexes. We all are sensitive, tough, stupid or intelligent, fearless or cowardice, strong or weak, introverted or extrovert our gender doesn't define these things. We all are capable of displaying feelings of tenderness, vulnerability, fear, jealousy, and envy to different extents on different occasions. We all have many characteristics that people associate only with transgenders we are a mixture of qualities that are normally classified as masculine or feminine. We just don't fit into that stereotyped definition of transgender that people have created by combining some emotional and physical characteristics. But just because some people show physical or emotional characteristics of both sexes more than others, we should not label them as abnormal. These people are as normal as any of us, just maybe not as common as many of us. Uncommon doesn't mean abnormal. They are in the minority, but that doesn't mean they don't deserve equal rights and recognition. We need to remove this prejudice and bias, we all need to recognize that there is nothing wrong or abnormal in being cisgender, transgender, or any other gender. Most common doesn't necessarily mean normal and uncommon doesn't mean abnormal. Let's remove these barriers and become a more inclusive society where every individual is accepted regardless of gender or sexual orientation. Let's start with ourselves, let's embrace and understand our fellow humans irrespective of their gender, sexual orientation, religion, race, or any other thing that we use to categorize us. Let's show love and respect towards each other, after all, we all are humans, and let's behave as humans. 

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Marital rape is also a RAPE - these victims also need justice

While listening to a discussion on NDTV about the criminalization of marital rape, I was appalled to listen to the stories of two women who had suffered tremendous physical and mental torture at the hands of their so-called husbands. The worst part is that sexual abuse within marriage is not a criminal offense. Only the cruelty involved in it can be challenged in court. So, nonconsensual marital sex (marital rape) cannot be challenged, but if there is some physical abuse or torture then it can be challenged in court. So, rapes happening in the bedrooms of married couples are not considered a criminal offense, rather, it is considered an internal matter between husband and wife, they need to sort it out among themselves together or with the help of someone else but not the court. This might sound stupid, ironical, backward, and highly patriarchal but this is what it is, and many men and women have to deal with this legal sexual abuse and exploitation. So, if a husband forces his wife to have sex with him against her will (or vice versa) it is not considered rape, because society as well as the current law thinks that in a sacred marriage, the husband, as a man, has the right to demand sexual services from his wife, and she must provide it willingly or unwillingly. Marriage is considered sacred or holy in many societies and India is also one of them, so, everything associated with it also becomes sacred and holy, even rape, therefore, marital rape is not a criminal offense as it is sacred. What an amazing logic our lawmakers have to justify this nonsense. I think we should be happy that at least the cruelty is criminalized. These abusive partners can be booked at least for physical abuse even though conveniently sexual abuse is excluded. Surprisingly this is all happening even after the presence of staggering data to prove that marital rapes are very common. The strange thing is that no one is even denying that they don't happen, but we just can't criminalize it because it is part of the sacred marriage system.

Many people also argue that if we criminalize marital rape then that law can be misused like anti-dowry law. This objection is reasonable, as there are many cases where anti-dowry law has been misused to trouble and torture families for a variety of reasons. However, this is true with any other law, almost every law is being misused. Even well-intended laws like the Protection of civil rights act, defamation act, and Harijan Act are also misused by many people for selfish purposes. Also, many policies like reservation are misused by many people, but this doesn't mean that we should not have any laws or policies to tackle problems like dowry, social justice, or rape. The data also shows that these laws and policies also benefited many people who would not have gotten justice in the absence of such laws. So, there is no doubt that these laws had a positive effect on our societies, but at the same time, more work is needed to stop their misuse. Getting rid of them completely is not an option. Marriage does not mean that a person has the right to exploit their partner sexually, there should be freedom to say yes and no like we have in any other relationship. Marriage is a human-made institution, there is nothing sacred or holy in it. It is a legal bond between two people that can be terminated by law. Forceful sexual act against any person's consent is a rape no matter if it is within or outside the realm of marriage. 

Abuse, injustice, or suppression in the name of culture, tradition, or religion is not new in our society. Our civilization has witnessed various autocracies committed under these names for ages and the same thing is happening even today. This is why statements like "marriage is sacred in India, so marital rape does not apply in India" are being made. They show the patriarchal mindset of society, the mindset that assumes that demanding sex within marriage is the right of a man, and if he doesn't get it then he has the right to forcefully get it. 

I am glad to see that these things are at least being discussed in Indian society. Marriage is not a license for nonconsensual sex. Sex is indeed an important part of married life but rape is not part of it. If partners are not happy with their sexual life then they should go for counseling or get separated if they can not match each other's expectations. As women will get more empowered in society they are bound to demand fair treatment from the law and marital rape will be criminalized today or tomorrow. This lame justification of marriages being made in heaven or being sacred won't stand its ground for long, whatever is criminal is criminal no matter who does it, rape is rape whether in a bedroom of a married couple or on the bus it doesn't matter. 

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Links:
1. Marriage Sacred in India, So 'Marital Rape' Does Not Apply: Government
2. Marital Rape: Eyes Wide Shut?

Motherhood - a personal choice of any women

The recent judgment about premarital sex by a court in Delhi has sparked some debate about the right of adults to choose their sexual partners. In India, there is still a very strong connection between marriage and parenthood, especially motherhood. Actually, I am a little surprised by the court commenting on the morality aspect of the act rather than the legal aspect. I don't understand why any court cares about what any religion says about anything? How things mentioned in any religion or religious texts are relevant legally? We also need to understand the effect of these types of judgments on our society. These types of judgments increase the bias against the people who don't follow these so-called moral norms. One of the issues directly related to this judgment is the issue of motherhood of unmarried adult women. This is a big NO in many societies (including India). People look down on unmarried pregnant women. They have to face a lot of humiliation, their character is questioned and even their own family might disown them because of the stigma and shame associated with premarriage pregnancies. It is difficult for women to survive with the label of "unwed mother" in most conservative societies. So the question is, do adult and independent women have the right to decide when and how they want to become mothers (or pregnant) or society should decide it? Maybe this question is irrelevant or unnecessary for many but this is very important for many women who want to bear children but are not interested in marriage. 

Many independent, working women sometimes find it really hard to find a suitable life partner, who can really understand and support them. This is all because independent and opinionated women are a recent phenomenon and not all men are comfortable with them. Men want to date outgoing, smart, and so-called modern women but ultimately they expect their wives to remain within their control. It seems our society is still not ready for independent women who can decide about everything related to their lives. Even in today's world, no organized religion gives fair and equal treatment to women. This may be because all religions are quite old and the product of a patriarchal society. All religions are heavily biased against women and obviously, therefore, we cannot use any standards used by all these religions related to women and their rights, at least I expect honorable courts to be cognizant of this. These types of judgments help to make already existing prejudice against women more strong, they even legitimize it, that's why we need to question and challenge them. 

Motherhood should be a personal choice of any adult, independent woman. Every child should be a legal and legitimate child irrespective of the marital status of their parents. Actually, any adult should have the right to decide about major things related to their own body and life. Marriage, choice of partner, and motherhood are part of a woman's personal decisions and she should have total control over these things. People around her can help whenever she needs or asks for any help and can assist her to make proper decisions but she should have the final say. I wonder how come any person with a rational mind and common sense can oppose this? Why there is such a strong desire and desperate need to control women and their bodies? Why some people are so scared of totally independent women? Women are almost 50% of our workforce, and making them independent and strong is going to help us build a strong and vibrant society. It's better to have a society that is equally sensitive towards the needs and concerns of every section. I believe everyone would love to live in this type of society. Motherhood is a personal choice of any woman, it is her personal choice and it should remain personal. 

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Links:
1. Premarital sex 'immoral', no religion permits it: Court
2. http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/

Is there any way to reduce rape and sexual abuse incidents?

The recent brutal rape case of a young girl in the Indian capital New Delhi has sparked huge debate and discussions in social media, the Indian parliament, and newspapers. People from various sections of society offered many suggestions about how to put a brake on these types of crimes, what type of punishment might help to prevent these types of incidents, and how to deal with the criminals who commit such heinous crimes. Suggestions cover a very wide spectrum. Some say capital punishment is the only right punishment for such crimes; some say hang them in public so that others won't dare to commit such crimes; some say no trial directly hang them or shoot them; some say castrate these males so that they won't be able to engage in any such acts in future even if they want to; some say women should be more careful with what they wear, where they go and how they conduct themselves. There are many suggestions like this. By just surfing the net and one can find many passionate posts that are very critical about India's law and order situation, politicians, government and blame them for this situation and crimes.

No doubt that it's the government's responsibility to protect its citizens from antisocial elements and make them feel safe to carry out their day-to-day activities without any fear. These types of incidents definitely shake the confidence of the residents in their government's ability to protect their interests. Unfortunately what we are seeing this time from the government's side is not very promising. They are trying to play the blame game. They are trying to suppress protests and are not willing to take any substantial steps toward finding a solution for these types of problems. This is very sad but this is what is happening. Another issue is as a society what are we doing to protect our people? How are we training women and men to tackle these types of issues? What do they think about each other? How women are projected in mainstream media and movies? How are they treated in their families? All these are very important questions and somehow directly or indirectly related to the question that why these types of crimes happen in our society?

Rape is not only about sex. If it is only a question of sexual desire then there are so many ways to satisfy that desire legally, without harming any person, or at least by using means which won't involve any violence. Then why do people choose this route? Rape does involve sexual acts but it's not a voluntary sexual encounter between two people. Sex is an integral part of love between adult couples but rape is pure violence, it involves violence, not sex. It's not only about lust or sexual desire but it's like hunting, damaging, or crushing a person physically and mentally. It's a very brutal act and that's why it demands very strict punishment. There is no age limit for rape victims they range from young kids to old women, it can happen in homes, bedrooms, moving buses, cars, and almost anywhere. It seems no place is a safe place nowadays.  The people who commit rape are definitely not normal people, for sure they have some psychological issues. They are not fit to roam in society freely, and they need treatment, as well as punishment.

I don't think capital punishment or hanging these rapists in public will reduce this crime. Already these types of punishments are practiced in some countries, and the situation of women is really pathetic in most of these countries. There is capital punishment for murder but that doesn't stop many from committing a murder. Rather this approach of capital punishment for all rapes might backfire and might increase incidents of  murder of rape victims. Many rapists kill their victims in the hope that they won't be caught because there won't be any evidence, so, I think that capital punishment may not be a very efficient way to stop this crime. Hanging rapists in public or torturing them in front of the public are very gruesome and inhuman acts for any democratic country and most probably these punishments will produce the same result as normal capital punishment. In most of sexual abuse cases, the offender is male or group of males (in case of gang rape), then why not make them incapable of committing this type of crime again and keep them imprisoned? We have modern medical techniques and methods available to do this, so why not use them? It will be a less gruesome and more effective punishment and there is a very high possibility that this fear of losing their so-called manhood might deter others from committing this crime.

Along with this punishment social and economic independence of women is very important. They should get equal respect and fair treatment in their own families. Boys and girls should be treated equally. Girls should not be considered soft targets for sexual abuse. We need to start sex education so young kids know what is proper and improper contact, what can be considered sexual harassment, and what is not. This type of education and training should be an integral part of the high school curriculum and this training should be mandatory at all workplaces. The solution to this problem is not so straightforward, the problem is very complicated so it should be tackled at multiple levels. We should utilize all the resources that we have in our hands to tackle this issue. It might take a long time but we should start working towards it as soon as possible. We already waited too long and should not delay any longer.

Let's start by changing our attitude towards women and let's start this change from ourselves, from our own families. If we can at least change our family's attitude then only we can dream of changing society or the whole world. The government also needs to step up, they have a very important role to play in this whole process. Lawmakers should show the courage to take the necessary steps to tackle these issues. Huge protests and widespread public outcry clearly show that people are fed up with just hollow words and fake promises they need some solid actions. People need a responsible and accountable administration that can respond to their demands and understand their needs and I don't think this is too much to ask from any government in any democratic country.

Thanks for reading and please share your views about this topic.

(Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing)