Patriarchy and motherhood

"This feminism has really messed up our traditions and culture, many women are avoiding being mothers," one of my friends said with a tinge of remorse in his voice. He knew that I am a proud feminist and was trying to score a point. 

"Women are not avoiding anything, they are choosing whether they want to become a mother and if they want when to become mothers, motherhood is neither an obligation nor an imposed burden for many feminist women, and I think that's good for both, men and women," was my reply. This didn't make my friend happy as he insisted every woman has a fundamental duty towards her family to bear at least one child, he just couldn't fathom a scenario where a woman could have a choice of rejecting motherhood, this was an unthinkable aspect to him. He is not alone who think like this, many men as well as women think that motherhood is an inherent part of being a woman, such is the stronghold of patriarchy over our thinking.

Now, you may ask, "what's the relationship between patriarchy and motherhood?" There shouldn't be any, right? But there is, patriarchy has glorified motherhood so much to make women feel that without motherhood they are incomplete. This is one of the greatest scams successfully pulled off by the patriarchy. When I pointed out this, my friend strongly disagreed and recited the usual stuff related to the glorification of motherhood. However, he did not have any answers to why motherhood defines women, but why fatherhood is not necessary to define any man. There are many men from history who left their wives, and kids, for some other pursuit and still considered great, but one can hardly find similar examples of women. No society or culture dares to glorify a woman who abandons her kids and family and goes in search of something else. Her act of abandonment of her family and kids will overshadow everything else, however, men are immune from such treatment. 

Most cultures around the world still consider motherhood an essential element of being a woman, but fortunately, this is changing fast. Thanks to contraceptives, many women voluntarily chose their time to be a mother, and many women chose not to be a mother. In places where access to contraceptives is limited for whatever reason motherhood is imposed on women against their will. Whether they choose to be a mother or not, they all are women. Glorification of motherhood is a well-planned strategy to trap women in childbearing and childcare so that they remain engaged in other household work. To make this entrapment permanent and secure concepts like divinity, the superiority of a mother's love compared to a father's love, and how motherhood makes a woman complete were introduced. This also added a guilt factor. Any woman not following this well-guarded and exploitative path was riddled with impending guilt and shame for not fulfilling her duties as a woman. These tactics have worked stupendously so far, many women are the flag bearers of the idea that a woman is not complete unless she becomes a mother. Motherhood has to be a matter of choice, without choice, it becomes a burden as it is imposed and not by choice. 

In reality, motherhood is purely a biological incident. Like every other species we need to reproduce so that we don't become extinct, motherhood and fatherhood both result from this reproduction process. Nature has given one of the genders in every species the ability to be a host for the initial phase of the reproductive cycle. However, now with the availability of modern technology, the entire process of reproduction, starting from fertilization (union of an egg and sperm) to the development of a deliverable baby can be carried out in a lab, without the need for any host. This will become a reality sooner or later once society gets over its moral guilt about outsourcing child production. Yes, society will achieve a comfort level where kids can be produced outside the human body, same the way it did to outsource childcare. The glorification of motherhood was mainly to instill the feeling of guilt in women so that they don't complain about the imposed motherhood. Even today, if any woman decides not to have a child to advance their career or goes back to work by her own choice immediately after delivering their baby, she is shamed and made feel guilty whereas men are totally immune from such attacks. 

One may expect that after all this imposition and hard work, the woman gets all the credit, and the child at least carries her name and legacy. No, never. The child still bears only the father's name, even father dies before the birth of the child or had zero contribution to upbringing, the child still bears the father's identity, not the mother's, this is the masterstroke by patriarchy, making women bear all the pain and do all hard work but give the product of all this man's label. So, women do all the hard work, including putting their lives at risk (many women used to die and still die during childbirth), and in return, they only get a hollow glorification, the man gets to attach his name just for being a man. This is also why women's sexual freedom was heavily guarded whereas men were free to have multiple relationships or marriages. Before DNA testing, there was no way for men to confirm that the child from their relationship or marriage was their genetic child. Women didn't need any proof to confirm their genetic link to their baby as they literally produced that baby, but the men had no other way to confirm this without prohibiting other sexual intercourse until the initiation of the pregnancy. This is how the concept of purity and sanctity of the female body arose, just to prohibit females from engaging in the same type of sexual behavior that men freely engaged in. Even today, in many cultures, it is abuse to say that someone has multiple fathers, but the other way (having multiple mothers) is perfectly okay. 

Patriarchy affects both, men and women, but the way it affects women is very complex. Many traditions that look harmless and fun are designed to keep women in only certain roles and stunt their personal and professional growth so that many areas exclusively belong to men. Guilt and shame are often used to attack women who dare to break these traditional boundaries imposed on them. The sooner women realize this better it is for them. Being a parent is a choice, parents share the joy and burden of bringing a child into this world. Putting the entire onus of love and tenderness on women is unfair and brutal. Mother or father, any parent can provide childcare, just because of one's gender no one should be forced to bear a child or take care of a child, or compromise their professional ambitions, the day we realize this we move one step closer to gender equality. Until then, keep supporting feminism, because that's the best mechanism we have currently to counter all the nonsense against women.         

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

©Vinay Thakur,  Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com  

Guddu and Vinay

Having a nickname used to be a common thing in our neighborhood. Rarely anyone was addressed by their actual or official name, that is, the name of their school certificate. I also had a nickname "Guddu." My entire neighborhood, my family, and other relatives knew me by this name, many of these people didn't even know my real name, Vinay. Many of these people still know and address me as Guddu. But in my school, college, and beyond life, I am known as Vinay, very few from this circle even know my nickname. When I look back, I find it interesting how Guddu and Vinay were two different versions of the same person and how I struggled to find any common ground between these versions. Somehow Guddu was more like a boy from the hood, living in an underprivileged neighborhood, a chawl, roaming and playing with kids that belonged to the same underprivileged socio-economic background, and who was very comfortable in clothes like lungi and banyan, I even used to play cricket wearing a lungi. On the other hand, Vinay was more like a school-going, intelligent, studious guy, whose college friends never or rarely visited the place where he lived. I think I consciously tried to shield my neighborhood and nickname from my more privileged friends for many years until I realized that my own insecurities and self-doubts were the reasons behind it, most of my friends never cared about where I came from or what was my nickname. Since then, my identities merged, Guddu is no more different than Vinay, and I don't mind which name people use to refer to me, for my chawl, I am still Guddu, and the rest of the world knows me as Vinay. This may not be a very interesting topic for many, but I decided to write about it as I know that there might be many like me who struggle with their identities when they enter into a more privileged world. If you are one such person, please remember that people who really love you and care about you, do this for who you are, this is irrespective of your background, social and economic status, or your name. If they don't want to associate with you because of where you come then it is better to stay away from such people. Embrace your identity and be proud of yourself for what you are, we don't need any borrowed or concealed identity to get accepted. Let's create our own space with our own terms and conditions, this is a simple message I want to convey in this short post. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com 

Is our work becoming the new religion?

Religion is still one of the biggest institutions. It is still relevant because it gives many the group identity that humans crave so desperately. It gives people the feeling of belonging and offers social and emotional support to a group that is bound by common beliefs. However, recent trends and surveys indicate that more and more people are moving away from organized religion. There can be many reasons to move away from organized religion, and society's intellectual and economic progress is one of them. But the need for that group identity still remains, and it seems our jobs are filling that void. If we look carefully, for most of us, our careers define our identities, we are known as doctors, scientists, actors, lawyers, diplomats, teachers, nurses, coders, or whatever job we are doing. This identity is no longer limited to our workplace, this is how people know us even outside our work circle. This begs a question, is our work becoming the new religion?

This question is a more hypothetical one at this stage, but I find it very intriguing. When we start deriving our friend circle, social life, thinking patterns, and other aspects of life from our work, our work becomes the most dominant part of our lives. It is no longer just an economic support vehicle, it also becomes our social and intellectual support system. This can have its pros and cons. One of the pros is that life will be structured as our work is going to be in the center, everything will be dictated by the demands and concessions of the work. But the flip side is that work controls everything, our family and social life. Almost every work, especially if it is a high-paying job involves stress, anxiety, and deadlines, this stress and anxiety going to spill over into our personal lives. This is why I think there is a lot of talk about work-life balance, as if when we work there is no life in it, life only exists outside of our work. 

Are we giving too much importance to our jobs? Are we dependent on our source of income so much that it controls every aspect of our lives? Yes, that's where we are as a society at this juncture. For most, our jobs and income control the quality of our lives. I agree that money is a necessity, and being poor sucks. But we have been brainwashed about our needs. Most of the time desires are presented as needs to live a happy life. This is where our income attains paramount importance. There is nothing wrong in chasing our desires and working hard to fulfill them. But when desires are presented as a basic tenant for happiness, and we all buy this logic, we are in a continuous mode of chasing. As desires are endless, the chase becomes endless. As the chase is endless our want for money becomes endless. As our job provides that money, it becomes the central and most controlling factor in our lives. Once we are trapped in this it is hard to come out as it is an endless cycle of a race with constantly shifting goalposts. As long as this phenomenon persists, I can safely say that our job has become the new religion. To come out of this cycle one needs to perform an objective evaluation of their priorities and create an independent space for other key aspects like family, friends, social work, and other hobbies along with the job. 

Job is important, but it is not everything. Do your job with the utmost sincerity and honesty. Work hard when at work. But also set boundaries and respect them. Go on that backpacking trip you always wanted to go, visit your friends and relatives whose company you enjoy and cherish, write that blog you were planning to write for many years, read the book you wanted to read, binge-watch the web series whose first episode you loved and can't wait, and spend some quality time to decondition yourself and unlearn that brainwashing. In short, do the stuff that makes you happy. Once religion ruled every aspect of human life and we all know how that turned out for most of society, let's not make the same mistake again with our jobs.    

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

The journey of Reena - from a shy village girl to an independent woman

Reena and I got married 18 years back and ours was an arranged marriage, full of all the uncertainties and concerns that any arranged marriage brings along with it. The journey was not an easy ride, we had our ups and downs and went through our own struggles to understand each other and adjust to each other. I learned a lot from her and I am sure she feels the same. I lived most of my life in a patriarchal society in India, where the status of women was not equal to men. I must also mention that in the USA situation is much better, but still, a lot of work is needed even in the USA so one can imagine the situation in India. I was raised in an environment of male superiority, but fortunately, it had the opposite effect on me. Patriarchy and rampant misogyny around me made me a feminist. I realized the importance of making a woman an equal partner in any relationship. I realized that in the modern world women are an equal stakeholder and they need to to treated like that.

Reena lived in a small village in Uttar Pradesh until her sixth grade and then she moved to Varanasi. Varanasi is one of the biggest cities of UP, but the situation of women is not that different compared to other parts of UP. Definitely, it is better than many villages, but the difference is not that much. So, when we got married, my first task was to make my wife independent of me. She came from a culture where the husband had the status of a demigod - the provider for her needs, the protector of her honor and dignity, and the controller of her life and destiny. I needed to break all these myths. This was not an easy task for me as well as for her. It was confusing for her and very complicated for me. There was no easy way for both of us to maneuver through the maze of cultural mess that arranged marriage and patriarchal culture brought into our lives. When I told her that she is an equal partner in our relationship, which means she has equal rights and has to share an equal responsibility. The second part was more confusing and complicated for her (about the responsibilities). I stressed both, rights and responsibilities because rights without responsibility is a useless endeavor. But I must say that she responded with a lot of courage and perseverance. She took on this challenge head-on after initial hesitation. Initially, she thought her responsibilities were limited to traditional household work which women were expected to perform, this was the way she was raised. But when she realized that her scope of duty involved many tasks that she never thought were women's jobs, she was a little hesitant. There was a struggle, and I witnessed that struggle. I refused to help on many occasions, but that was necessary for her to realize her own potential. She overcame many obstacles on her own, with no or very little help from anyone around her. I was just her companion, once she decided to take on this challenge, she did things on her own, and she deserves the credit for all her successes.

When we moved to the USA, it opened many more new doors for her. She was free from all the social and familial constraints that were present in India. This made her embark on an exciting and rewarding journey. Today, I live with a totally transformed person, she is a much more confident and independent person. We both support each other, and our relationship is more balanced now compared to what it was at the time of our marriage. She is a very confident person and an independent woman who doesn't need her husband's support for her survival, and I am glad to see that she can manage her life on her own. She is a pillar of strength and support for me along with the rest of my family and friends. We both complement each other as husband and wife rather than having a typical husband-dominated marital relationship. It is not easy to write about your partner or parents or for that matter any person in just one blog post, but I want my readers to get the idea that it doesn't matter who we are or from where we come, if we decide and get enough support we all can achieve many things which may look impossible.

Reena's journey so far is not only a success story in its own way but also a source of inspiration for me. She still has many more challenges and many more obstacles to cross, but now she can do these things on her own. There are many successful people around us, but we fail to notice them. Normally we only recognize success or failure based on media reports and very often ignore many inspiring stories of people around us. Many times, no one bothers to tell stories of common people like us. Many times, we fail to notice some inspirational struggle or success story happening right in front of our eyes. We ignore that just because these people don't become celebrities or they don't end up making millions of dollars. I am fortunate to notice and appreciate many such success stories around me. My family members, friends, and colleagues faced many challenges and fought hard to overcome them. For me, all these struggles and triumphs are very inspiring. All these stories along with many others provide me the required self-confidence and optimistic outlook towards life. Reena's journey is one such story. We all have someone around us who is making progress day by day and if we learn to recognize that struggle and draw inspiration from their struggle, life will be beautiful. My life is more beautiful because of Reena and I hope she feels the same.

Thanks for reading.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

We all are transgenders in someway

While watching this program on NDTV about the situation of transgenders in Indian society, I was wondering what is the reason these people are so stereotyped that they can't live a normal life in most societies around the world. By normal life, I mean getting the same treatment and opportunities that most of us so-called "normal" or "cisgender" people get. In India, most of them are forced into the sex trade or live in ghettos because of the way society treats them. Why it is so difficult for any society to accept them as equal citizens or for that matter why we are so apprehensive about anything that doesn't fit the age-old definition of "normal"? Who decides what is normal and what is not? Is most common mean normal and something uncommon becomes abnormal? We need to ask such questions to counter this narrative which has been going on uninterrupted for centuries. It is really sad to see that some people among us get discriminated against for something natural. They face various difficulties and problems not because of their mistakes or actions, but just because of who they are. This attitude of they are different than us or they are not normal, so they can't be with us or our kids will become like them needs to be questioned, everyone needs to get a fair chance to fulfill their ambitions and desires, as a society it is our responsibility to create such environment. Most of us agree with this statement, but as a society, our behavior doesn't match this statement.

Sex is determined by DNA and gender is something how we present ourselves in society, both don't need to match. We are taught and conditioned on how men or women should behave or conduct themselves in society. We are taught what is masculine and what is feminine, based on this conditioning we develop our own perception of our own gender and also try to define other's gender. This perception and stereotyping also decide what we call normal and what we consider abnormal. We are also trained to reject, denounce, or stay away from these so-called abnormal people. Most of us follow all these traditions or rules without even giving any serious thought or consideration about their logic and relevance. Many of us fail to question these perceptions which are passed on to us by our society. We follow them as part of tradition or culture, but we never bother to check their relevance or validity. Once anything whether it is good or bad becomes a part of tradition or culture it stays there for a long time. Many societies also develop some protective attitudes towards such traditions as they consider them an integral part of their identity. This is one of the main reasons why many people hesitate to question these things openly. I agree that it is not easy to challenge or fight against ancient traditions and rituals, but if they are wrong someone needs to challenge them. But the problem is that there is not a very conducive environment in most societies that can encourage questioning or dissent, rather few who dare to question have to face many hostile reactions. Transgenders are victims of such wrong traditions and misconceptions. According to me, we all have some transgender qualities in some way or other, therefore, it should be easy for all cisgender to relate with transgenders, provided we overcome all our prejudices and biases. We all possess a unique set of qualities, there is no defined set of masculine and feminine qualities which are exclusive to any one particular sex. A variety of feelings or characteristics can be found in both sexes. We all are sensitive, tough, stupid or intelligent, fearless or cowardice, strong or weak, introverted or extrovert our gender doesn't define these things. We all are capable of displaying feelings of tenderness, vulnerability, fear, jealousy, and envy to different extents on different occasions. We all have many characteristics that people associate only with transgenders we are a mixture of qualities that are normally classified as masculine or feminine. We just don't fit into that stereotyped definition of transgender that people have created by combining some emotional and physical characteristics. But just because some people show physical or emotional characteristics of both sexes more than others, we should not label them as abnormal. These people are as normal as any of us, just maybe not as common as many of us. Uncommon doesn't mean abnormal. They are in the minority, but that doesn't mean they don't deserve equal rights and recognition. We need to remove this prejudice and bias, we all need to recognize that there is nothing wrong or abnormal in being cisgender, transgender, or any other gender. Most common doesn't necessarily mean normal and uncommon doesn't mean abnormal. Let's remove these barriers and become a more inclusive society where every individual is accepted regardless of gender or sexual orientation. Let's start with ourselves, let's embrace and understand our fellow humans irrespective of their gender, sexual orientation, religion, race, or any other thing that we use to categorize us. Let's show love and respect towards each other, after all, we all are humans, and let's behave as humans. 

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Why Do We Imitate Others?

Most of us need some inspiration or motivation to excel in our profession or even in our personal lives. We all look for inspiration in books and try to get it from people around us, from famous and successful personalities, or from iconic characters like Ram, Krishna, Jesus, etc. People often find the personalities with which they can relate and get inspired, but in that process, most of the time, they try to imitate that person, try to become like that person, and most of the time, forget their own identity.

We need inspiration and good examples to follow, and fortunately, we have many of them. We can learn a lot of things by reading about their lives, their struggle, and their achievements, and the qualities that helped them to overcome difficulties in their life. The problem is that people try to copy their idols; they try to become another X or Y, which is impossible. There can not be another Michael Jackson or Sachin Tendulkar or any other person (even you and me). Nature has given a unique identity to all of us; each of us is different from the others. By trying to become someone else, we are going against nature. Nature never copies; every living thing produced by nature is unique, and no two things are carbon copies of each other. Nature never produced another Jesus, Ram, Krishna, Mohammad, Buddha, or Mahavir; they all were unique personalities, and so are we. All these great individuals didn't copy anyone; they explored their own paths, and they expressed themselves as they were. We are all unique in our own way and have our own nature and qualities, but we don't even try to search for them; but try to become someone else, and in turn, we kill our original self. In the process of becoming someone else, most of the time, we lose our own identity permanently.

Our society, family, or even parents always want us to follow some 'good' examples, which they call ideals. There are role models in every culture or society. Their achievements are great, and nothing wrong with getting inspiration from their lives to shape our own lives. Our elders or society always try to show us the predictable path, which has already been traveled by so-called successful people; maybe they do this because they know the outcome of that path. They know if we follow X or Y, what can be the result, and what type of person we might become.

Why do they want us to become like someone successful in their eyes? What is the reason we are advised to follow some ideal personality or God? Maybe they don't want to see many people trying to establish their own identity, living their life on their own terms, traveling totally new, unpredictable paths, it might create chaos and disturb the well-established structure of society. If we follow personalities like Ram, Krishna, Jesus, or any other ideal/successful personality, then people know what to expect from us and how to deal if something goes wrong. But the problem is, we never managed to copy and reproduce any of these personalities; we couldn't produce another Jesus or Krishna or any other person because it's not possible. Even cloning can only produce two living things that look the same, but they don't think or behave the same.

Most of us try to imitate somebody because we are scared to travel an unknown path. People around us are forced to follow a particular path because they want to see a familiar personality around, with predictable behavior, and one that follows the norm. Every society wants a conformist, a camp follower who can follow the norms and preserve its institutions. Society wants us to fit in well-defined molds, wants to direct our behavior to familiar patterns. Any person who tried to break these norms and tried to travel a new path had to face tremendous resistance and anger from society. They were never accepted or praised during their lifetime. We are changing, and now at least some societies and cultures are more open to new ideas and concepts, but this is not the case everywhere. Even as independent adults, we are constantly reminded what is good and what is bad, what we should do and what we shouldn't, we are told to follow the norms,  not to question elders, etc. We cite many examples to our kids, tell them to follow these examples, and try to become like them. Very few people tell young people to get inspiration from great personalities and become what they want.

Just by imitating someone, we can never understand their life or their struggle; chances are that we may not understand our own life either. It's not that easy to imitate someone and get exactly the same results; just by imitating that particular person, we can't become like him/her. Mostly, we do that because we don't want to make an effort to understand ourselves. It's not that easy to understand ourselves; we have to take a lot of effort to realize who we are, and very few people try to do that. Looking at some else's life or reading about it can definitely help us to understand our own life. Everyone is unique and different in this world; it's not a very sensible thing to constantly compare ourselves with other people.

We should definitely try to take inspiration from people around us, from all great people who are living or have lived on this planet, but resist the temptation of imitating them. There is a difference between imitating someone and getting inspired by someone, and we should understand it. Rather than trying to imitate somebody, we should try to discover ourselves, understand our true nature, and try to be ourselves. Let's discover the real us, and the fact is that no one like us existed before or will exist after; we are all unique. Let's give ourselves a chance to express our true consciousness, our true personality, not the one that society or people around us want us to be. Let's just be ourselves.

Thanks for reading, and please share your views on this topic.

(Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing)