My Nani and feminism

Patriarchy is a default setting for all of us. We all are born in patriarchy, it is the system that has been prevalent in all cultures, societies, and countries for centuries. Generations have lived and are still living in social constructs dictated by patriarchy and there is a strong social, cultural, and religious culture that propagates it in various ways. We don't have to do anything special to propagate patriarchy, it exists around us, and we all become part of it as that's the culture we inherit in all societies. Individual families sometimes may differ somewhat and try to get rid of some regressive patriarchal traditions, but even those families live in societies that are patriarchal. The patriarchal mindset has been challenged by the gender equality movement, also called feminism, but this battle is still in its initial stages and there is a long way to go. Feminism has challenged gender discrimination at every level and in this process, it has also affected the dynamics of male-female relationships.  

I am a proud feminist. There are many instances that guided my path to becoming a feminist, the life of my Nani (maternal grandmother) is one of the major forces that made me a feminist. I have written a blog about her, it was written as a response to the comments I received for another blog about some objectionable phrases from a famous Gita translation. My nani lived her entire life in a small village named Rajapur in Uttar Pradesh, the most populated state in India. As it was a common practice back then she got married at a very early age, child marriage was a norm and it still exists in India no matter what are the laws against it. She became a widow within a few years of her marriage. Her husband (my Nana) died in a tragic boat accident in the river Ganga, this happened immediately after the birth of my mom, hence my mom is the only child of my Nani. This one unfortunate incident changed her entire life, it made her life colorless and companionless. She was not allowed to wear a colorful saree or have any makeup or any jewelry that a married woman was allowed to wear. No one even bothered to think that she should be given a second chance to restart her life with someone else and enjoy the simple pleasures of life that any married woman around her was enjoying. Rather, the entire society was okay with depriving her of all the simple pleasures of human life at such a young age. Nani was a brave lady, she survived, lived her life with grit and dignity, she created her own identity and raised my mom with the help of the joint family. People respected her and took care of her needs like food, clothes, and shelter, but no one went beyond that. As a grandson, I received tremendous love and pampering from her, she used to treat me and my two younger brothers like kings. Whenever we visited her, she was happy and ran after us making sure that we didn't face any troubles, as long as we stayed with her her entire life revolved around us. I have a retreat in my life that I could not reciprocate her love, she passed away in 1991 when I was just a teenager. I wish she could have survived to see me graduate from college and especially get my PhD, whenever I think about this I feel sad that she didn't live to see any of this. However, her life did make me realize unfair and brutal religious, social, and cultural practices that only targeted women. It made me realize how women are purposely suppressed so that society can exploit them. It is true that in Hinduism there are many female deities like Durga, Lakshmi, and Sarasvati, but just because society worships female gods does not mean it also respects females and treats them as equals. Just because her husband died my Nani couldn't live the life of her choice, she was not offered any choice, her choices went away with my Nana's death, but her presence in my life made me a feminist to make sure at least no one in my family will face a similar fate. As long as there are traces of patriarchy in our society, we need feminism, as long as there is a single woman whose choices are taken away due to misogynist religious and cultural practices, we need feminism. My Nani unknowingly made me a feminist. I am a proud feminist, are you?  

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com 

My journey towards feminism

Feminism was an alien word for me till I came to the USA, I never heard it or read about it, and did not know what it meant. This does not mean I was not aware of gender bias and discrimination. I was very much aware of these things and other types of discrimination, rather I grew up in a very discriminatory culture and society. People were discriminated against for various reasons, including their skin tone, gender, caste, age, disability, and economic status, just to name a few. All this was overt and explicit, right on your face. So, even as a kid, I was exposed to various discriminations and even personally experienced some of them. It was everywhere, within our homes and outside, even on TV and in movies, in schools and colleges. It was so pervasive that for many years I did not even know that it was discrimination, I was under the impression that that's how people live, and being at the receiving end of discriminatory behavior was part of the deal, a price to pay to live in this world. 

I noticed different treatment offered to my brothers compared to my sisters within my own family. I also noticed that my family was not an exception, such gender discrimination was a norm in our society and my family was just following what they thought was their culture and the right thing to do. I witnessed how girls and women were subject to harassment even in public places, touching them without their consent by taking advantage of the situation was a norm, not an exception, it was something boys and men boasted about, not something to be ashamed of. As a teenager, I used to feel jealous of all boys who could do these things, I couldn't, not because I didn't want to or I thought it was wrong, but because I was too scared to do these things. I felt bad about my lack of courage to do these things, such behavior was considered manly and males who couldn't do these things were teased for not being manly. But slowly I realized that something was wrong, there was nothing manly in making someone feel uncomfortable by your behavior or presence. It felt wrong to breach personal boundaries and encroach without any legitimate reason, but I was not sure if there is any alternative to this or if it was I who was confused.

Girls around me, including some of my cousins, were not allowed to continue or finish their education because their parents thought it was not required as they were girls. I wondered if I could go to college why can't they. I wondered why any boy is not dropping out of school or college because his parents decided to get him married, but many girls used to drop out for this reason. I wondered why even grown-up females were not allowed to travel alone, whereas males were allowed to travel alone from a very young age. Many such questions used to come to my mind, I even tried to ask a few of them, but I only received some unsatisfactory answers: this is our culture; women don't or can't do this; this is too dangerous for women, you are too young to understand this, or something like that. None of these answers made any sense to me. At the same time, there were girls in my college, we had female professors, bank workers, politicians, and authors. So, on one side, I knew that women could do these things but in many families and cultures, they were not allowed. This was when I started understanding gender discrimination, I must have been around 18-19 years of age. My maternal grandmother died when I was in my last year of high school. Her death reminded me of the life she lived as a young widow, it hit me really hard. When I looked back on her struggles and the treatment she got from society and her own family, it made me really sad and angry at the same time. She was very respected, almost worshipped as a deity by people around her, but many simple pleasures and choices were snatched away from her at a very young age just because the man she married died in an accident. She was respected because she followed the cultural dictate precisely. Her life was romanceless, colorless, and choiceless, but she was hailed as an idol of a pious and pure woman. 

That was the time when I started raising questions within my family, and I started boycotting functions and ceremonies due to their discriminatory practices, I can say that this is when the seeds of feminism were planted in my mind. One common answer I used to get was that it is easy to talk and criticize these things when others are doing it, I will do the same and they will see what I do when I have a daughter. I used to get taunted that I was dreaming of changing something that was going on for many centuries and our ancestors were not fools to practice these things. I was also told that gender equality will never happen, it is not natural, and as women have been treated like this for centuries in all cultures, some religious texts recommend these practices, hence no need to change anything. But I wanted the change, and this is when I started my journey towards feminism. I did not become a feminist because my daughter was born, I was happy to have a daughter because I was a feminist. The birth of a female child is still not welcomed in many families, the situation was worse compared to today when my daughter was born.

Once you witness gender discrimination and you are not okay with it, there is nothing that can stop you from becoming a feminist. You are either for gender equality or against it, there is nothing in between. I know this sounds like an aggressive stance, but there are some issues where there cannot be a middle ground and gender equality is one of them, racism is another example. Either you are a racist or you are not, there is nothing in between, you cannot be a racist in some situations and against it in some situations, that's hypocrisy. Also, as a feminist, either you are for gender equality or you are not. Gender equality is not a movement against men, it is a movement for equality for genders, only men who don't believe in gender equality will feel threatened by it.  

I also feel odd if someone gives me credit for not being an obstacle in the journey of my wife and my daughter to become independent women. No one should get any credit for not being an obstacle to someone's progress, that's the minimum everyone should do for people around them. My journey to becoming a feminist was full of many obstacles, many of the obstacles were from society, culture, family, and religion in which I was born, and many were from within me due to the brainwashing I received as a child. It was tough to get rid of that conditioning when everyone was okay with it. In the beginning, I was very scared to ask questions when no one around me questioned these beliefs and traditions. I was scared on many occasions and even thought that something must be wrong with me as so many people cannot be wrong at the same time. I was worried about whether my wife and daughter will be accepted in our families or not, and whether they will blame me for the backlash they may receive. I still sometimes worry if my daughter will be able to find a person who can accept her independence and opinionated personality. There were many doubts and fears, uncertainties and questions, and there was no one who could talk me through this. Some fears still remain, but there is no doubt anymore. I am glad that I overcame all my doubts, and today, I am a proud feminist. What is stopping you from becoming a feminist?

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com   

I am a proud feminist

There are very few labels that I like to associate myself with, being a feminist is one of them. I think the feminist movement is one of the few moments that has transformed societies across the world. Feminism has revolutionized every society, every country, region, religion, and even many families including mine. This is a movement that does not have a single face, single leader, any book, or a set ideology. Feminism is about gender equality. Every feminist revolution is led by individual brave women and men of this world. Yes, you read that right, by women and men, both. The biggest misconception about feminism is that it's all about women. Mostly it is about women as they are at the forefront of this movement, but men are also an integral part of it. We men are part of the problem, so, we need to be part of the solution also. 

I agree that the label of feminism is a recent phenomenon, the fight for gender equality has been going on for decades. Many brave women tried to break barriers that tried to cage them, mostly without much success, but they all were as feminist as any of us can claim to be. No matter how recent is the label, feminism is now synonymous with gender quality, and the fight still continues as a lot still remains to achieve gender equality. Another important point is that a to of well-intentioned people who support gender equality hesitate to associate themselves with the word "feminist." This may be due to some hyperactive or radical feminists acting as if men are the origin of all the problems, the perception created in some sections of media is that feminism is about hating men. Both these things are not true. Like every movement when it spreads widely, feminism also has attracted a variety of people from different social, economic, political, and cultural backgrounds. Based on their personal experiences they shape their own feminist ideology and some of them behave like radical activists who want to bring overnight change by demolishing everything that exists today. This is neither a practical nor sensible approach, and this does not represent the entire feminist movement. For comparison, we can take the example of another widespread ideology, capitalism. Capitalism has transformed the economies of many countries, it has helped to generate and distribute wealth. However, at the same time, it has created a class of radical capitalists who believe that anything coming from socialism is evil, the market should have absolute power, the government should be only a spectator, and many more things. This does not make capitalism an evil movement per se, one can be a capitalist and still support equitable distribution of wealth, and one can be a pro-market and still support required regulations and oversight. Many times, we want things either to be good or bad, positive or negative, no matter how easy the binary view is, most things don't fit into the binary world, we now live in the world of the spectrum. Everything is like a spectrum and we need to find our match within that spectrum. 

I have witnessed gender discrimination since my young days, I know what it can do to children and how it can shape their thinking and behavior. Gender discrimination is devastating, not only for people who suffer because of it, it degrades the entire society. There are many examples around the world to demonstrate this. I have committed myself to doing my bit toward gender equality. This is how we can bring change, from one person to another, from one family to another. I invite everyone who is now aware of feminism or is skeptical about it to read more and talk with people like me to know about feminism and what can you do to bring change. What type of society will take pride in saying that they don't want gender equality. I hope no society wants to suppress almost half of its population so that it only benefits the other half. I define feminism as a fight for gender equality. If you support gender equality, you are a feminist. I am a proud feminist. I hope that you will join me in being a proud feminist and walk the path toward gender equality.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

Sunita Deshpande - A woman who introduced me to feminism

People around me, especially Indians and even many of my American friends wonder why I am so passionate (and even sometimes adamant) about the issues related to gender equality and woman empowerment. Sometimes people ask, from where I was introduced to the concept of gender equality? My family in India thinks that it is because I came to the USA my traditional views about women got spoiled by the Western influence, but this is not at all true. The USA did influence me a lot, it helped in my understanding of concepts of liberty, freedom of expression, as well as feminism, but it didn't introduce me to all these ideas, especially feminism. I started expressing my views about gender equality before my daughter was born (in 2000), and I came to the USA in 2003. So, my immigration to the USA is not the reason for my feminist views, maybe it is the reason why I express those views so strongly, but the USA didn't introduce me to this idea.

India might claim pride in its glorious tradition of having a progressive and liberal society where individual freedom was celebrated and books like Mahabharata and Kamasutra were written, but today's India is completely different and has a lot to learn from developed countries about gender equality and individual rights. Gender equality didn't exist in the culture in which I grew up. There was complete male dominance. I can only think of two major reasons why my views are so radically different from the society in which I lived and the family in which I was born. These are also the reasons why I revolted against the male-dominated atmosphere around me. First, I saw a tremendous amount of suppression of women around me, and as a teenager, it affected me a lot. Women were treated differently than men, there were hardly any rights or freedom given to them, they were abused for no reason, and they were considered physical objects of lust and physical enjoyment. For the name's sake, society worshiped female goddesses, but when it came to equal rights for them, there were completely different standards. These things raised many doubts and questions in my mind. I always wondered why women don't revolt against this subjugation and discrimination. I was too young to know about the patriarchal culture, but all these things made me very uncomfortable and angry.

The second reason might shock many of you, it was a book by Sunita Deshpande. Yes, this lady introduced me to the concept of gender equality. When I read her book "Aahe Manohar Tari," (meaning: even though it's beautiful), I was blown off to know about a woman who was so independent, strong, and powerful to fight against the patriarchal system and live life on her own terms. The book is a very impressive and sincere narration of her own story. In a true sense, in her autobiography, she introduced me to the concept of feminism and I am very grateful to her for this. Since then, some other books, and my immigration to the USA confirmed those ideas and made them stronger. I am a flag bearer of gender equality, and I take immense pride in supporting this cause and this cause is a part of my identity. I am sure for everyone who supports the idea of gender equality there must have been some incident that triggered the thought process or some person who introduced them to this idea. In my case, it was Sunita Deshpande. Since then this idea has become part of me, and I have become part of this cause. 

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Burqa and mini skirt - Symbols of liberation or oppression?

Symbolism is of great importance for any civilization. Various symbols can convey messages about our culture, habits, traditions, and values. The clothes we wear are one such symbol. A society where people are free to wear whatever they want based on their own needs and tastes can claim to be a free and tolerant place. Societies, where the dress code is strictly implemented against the wish of people, and they are forced to wear a certain type of clothing cannot claim to be a free society. Our clothing is a type of self-expression. Many of us try to express ourselves using the way we dress, actually, this is one of the reasons why we wear different dresses for different occasions. I am not a supporter of a dress code. Note that school uniforms are a different ball game, it has a special educational purpose. I like to wear clothes in which I feel comfortable. I hate the idea of being forced to wear a certain type of clothing against my wish. Social pressure or peer pressure can be considered as the other two important factors that force people to follow certain clothing habits.

Many times Burqua (or a veil) is propagated as a sign of oppression of women. It is true that forcing women or for that matter anyone to wear a certain type of clothing against their wish is wrong. However, what if they are doing it out of their own choice? Can then we call it a freedom to choose or do we need to look deeper? I think it is not that straightforward. We must ask, under what circumstances that choice is offered? Is there any indirect pressure to dress or appear in a certain way to satisfy social norms? Is there peer pressure or fear of serious social and professional repercussions if they don't dress in a certain way? These questions might help us to understand the situation in a better way, rather than concluding anything only based on the dress. I have seen women wearing dark burqas on extremely hot summer days and mini skirts and high heels on extremely cold days. In both conditions, the clothing totally defied the needs dictated by the weather conditions. I always wondered which one of them can be considered that she was free to choose her dress? Maybe none of them. Just because someone is wearing a burqa doesn't mean that person is living in an oppressed culture and just because someone is wearing a mini skirt doesn't mean they are living in a free society. Real freedom means people make informed choices. They choose what they want based on their own needs and requirements, not based on what society expects from them. One lady mentioned to me that it is not easy to be a woman even in developed countries as there are very high expectations about the way they should look and dress. She told me that most people think that women should not have any body hair except on the head, eyelids, and eyelashes. I was shocked to know about these expectations. It is very natural to have body hair, it is a natural part of being a living organism, but to force someone to get rid of it just because of some ridiculous beauty standard is ridiculous, but it seems there is such an unreasonable expectation and most women have to do this. If they don't then the social and professional penalties are severe. 

Women need to fight this stereotype on their own, this is one way of subjugating them by putting the burden of unreasonable expectations about their external appearance. Forcing a burqa is as bad as forcing a miniskirt, there is no difference. Wearing a bikini or jeans doesn't make you a forward or liberal, at the same time wearing a burqa doesn't make you a backward or oppressed. A person's character should not be decided by the type of clothes they wear. Our clothes should be one of the ways to express ourselves, they should reflect our choices and should be based on our own decisions and needs. Our dress is the true reflection of our personality only when it is our choice, based on free will. A burqa or miniskirt can be a symbol of oppression or freedom depending on under what circumstances people wear it.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing.]

Thank you Kalki

When I watched the video by Indian actress Kalki Koechlin, it left me speechless. I was amazed by the way Kalki presented such a complicated and sensitive subject in an effective manner. Actually, I saw not only one but two amazing videos on that day second one was by Tracey Spicer. I suggest readers watch both of them, they deal with totally different subjects but believe me you won't regret watching them. The first one was more special because this was the first time I saw an Indian actress commenting so boldly about issues related to gender discrimination in our society. She touched on almost every area related to this issue (religion, politics). It's not the first time that I have seen or heard talk like this, there are many videos like this on the internet but mostly by some non-Indian celebrities or some feminist activists. Normally, Indian movie celebrities are very conscious and careful about their image. They don't want to comment on any sensitive issue that can become controversial or hurt someone's religious or political feelings. Somehow these religious and political feelings of many people get hurt by almost anything. They can get hurt by a book, a movie, a stage play, a painting, or even some cartoon. But surprisingly these feelings don't get hurt by communal riots, inflammatory speeches, fatwas, forceful religious conversions, discriminatory practices, or rituals. Somehow they get hurt only by some criticism directed to them in any form. I applaud the courage of Kalki, she dared to do something that no other Indian actor or actress dared to do in the beginning stages of their career. Maybe she will be branded as an atheist or feminist who is painting a negative picture of our society, maybe she will lose some of her fans because of some comments she made about religion and society but I think she cares little about all this. Actually, I read this monologue a few days before, but it was not that effective because it was too lengthy to read and it didn't have the same effect that it had when I watched it. The video is much more impactful, maybe because of the way she presented it. I have seen some plays like this in Marathi but this was the first act by some mainstream Bollywood actress. Please watch the video, and understand the message it wants to convey. Thank you very much Kalki for this, I hope you become a prominent voice against any type of discrimination in India.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Links:
1. An intense piece about the truths of womanhood kalki performance
2. AIB: It's Your Fault
3. The lady stripped bare: Tracey Spicer at TEDxSouthBankWomen

Do we still need feminism?

Feminism is the term used a lot nowadays. We can find it in many places, and like many other terms, this term is also slowly getting stereotyped. For some people, feminists are men haters, anti-fashion, people who like to blame all miseries of women on men, and who want to make this world a female-dominant place to take revenge for years of male dominance. For some, feminism is an anti-men movement. Some are utterly confused as to why feminism is even needed. One can find many groups supporting feminism at the same time opposing it, some even hate feminists because of their demand for gender equality in society. I consider myself a feminist and I don't fit into any of these stereotyped definitions. For me, feminism is a very simple thing, it's advocacy for equal rights for women, a movement for gender equality. Feminism expects gender equality, nothing more, nothing less, equal opportunities for all genders in all fields, and encouraging their participation at all levels in society. That's all, anyone who believes in this or in gender equality is a feminist according to me.

Actually, the basic question is why do we need feminism? Isn't our society already progressive, technically advanced, and civilized? Isn't the situation of women in most cultures and societies much better than it was just a decade ago? Then why do we still need feminism? Yes, we have indeed made tremendous progress in science and technology in the last few decades, we have also improved our social structure in most parts of the world compared to what it was just a few decades ago, but still, some people want women to play only certain role in society and family (mostly wife and mother). They are against her freedom to make her own choices about various aspects of her life. These people, even want to dictate choices about very personal things like her sexuality, health, and fertility. They take shelter from some religious book or some age-old beliefs to justify this encroachment on women's personal rights. These groups are still very powerful and active and to deal with them we need feminism and we need it very badly even today. So there is no doubt that we still need feminism.

Anyone who thinks that women should get equal rights and opportunities in our society is a feminist. Anyone who thinks women are no less or more than men is a feminist. One does not have to work with some NGO, part of some political party, or member of some society to be a feminist. The belief in gender equality is enough to become a feminist. Feminists are not men haters. I don't know where and why this misconception originated. Feminists don't want to bring a women-dominated culture or society, they just want equal rights for all genders. Most societies are still men dominated that's why sometimes during the fight for gender equality it seems that this fight is against men, but that's not true, it's not a fight against men, but it's a fight against everyone (including women, religion, traditions, etc.) who think that women are inferior to men and should not be given equal status in society. The real fight is against this mentality (also called patriarchy or misogyny). It doesn't matter who is the flag bearer of patriarchy or misogyny, mostly they are men that's why I think this wrong impression is created. Wherever we see gender discrimination, we should voice our concern, discrimination of any type should be challenged. There should not be a place for any kind of discrimination in any progressive, tolerant, and inclusive society.

I am proud to be a feminist and I hope more and more people will understand the real meaning of feminism and feel proud to call themselves feminists. Whether you call yourself a feminist or not, I hope you will stand with me in the fight for gender equality. The label is not important but the mission is. We still need feminism as we have a long way to go.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]