Patriarchy and motherhood

"This feminism has really messed up our traditions and culture, many women are avoiding being mothers," one of my friends said with a tinge of remorse in his voice. He knew that I am a proud feminist and was trying to score a point. 

"Women are not avoiding anything, they are choosing whether they want to become a mother and if they want when to become mothers, motherhood is neither an obligation nor an imposed burden for many feminist women, and I think that's good for both, men and women," was my reply. This didn't make my friend happy as he insisted every woman has a fundamental duty towards her family to bear at least one child, he just couldn't fathom a scenario where a woman could have a choice of rejecting motherhood, this was an unthinkable aspect to him. He is not alone who think like this, many men as well as women think that motherhood is an inherent part of being a woman, such is the stronghold of patriarchy over our thinking.

Now, you may ask, "what's the relationship between patriarchy and motherhood?" There shouldn't be any, right? But there is, patriarchy has glorified motherhood so much to make women feel that without motherhood they are incomplete. This is one of the greatest scams successfully pulled off by the patriarchy. When I pointed out this, my friend strongly disagreed and recited the usual stuff related to the glorification of motherhood. However, he did not have any answers to why motherhood defines women, but why fatherhood is not necessary to define any man. There are many men from history who left their wives, and kids, for some other pursuit and still considered great, but one can hardly find similar examples of women. No society or culture dares to glorify a woman who abandons her kids and family and goes in search of something else. Her act of abandonment of her family and kids will overshadow everything else, however, men are immune from such treatment. 

Most cultures around the world still consider motherhood an essential element of being a woman, but fortunately, this is changing fast. Thanks to contraceptives, many women voluntarily chose their time to be a mother, and many women chose not to be a mother. In places where access to contraceptives is limited for whatever reason motherhood is imposed on women against their will. Whether they choose to be a mother or not, they all are women. Glorification of motherhood is a well-planned strategy to trap women in childbearing and childcare so that they remain engaged in other household work. To make this entrapment permanent and secure concepts like divinity, the superiority of a mother's love compared to a father's love, and how motherhood makes a woman complete were introduced. This also added a guilt factor. Any woman not following this well-guarded and exploitative path was riddled with impending guilt and shame for not fulfilling her duties as a woman. These tactics have worked stupendously so far, many women are the flag bearers of the idea that a woman is not complete unless she becomes a mother. Motherhood has to be a matter of choice, without choice, it becomes a burden as it is imposed and not by choice. 

In reality, motherhood is purely a biological incident. Like every other species we need to reproduce so that we don't become extinct, motherhood and fatherhood both result from this reproduction process. Nature has given one of the genders in every species the ability to be a host for the initial phase of the reproductive cycle. However, now with the availability of modern technology, the entire process of reproduction, starting from fertilization (union of an egg and sperm) to the development of a deliverable baby can be carried out in a lab, without the need for any host. This will become a reality sooner or later once society gets over its moral guilt about outsourcing child production. Yes, society will achieve a comfort level where kids can be produced outside the human body, same the way it did to outsource childcare. The glorification of motherhood was mainly to instill the feeling of guilt in women so that they don't complain about the imposed motherhood. Even today, if any woman decides not to have a child to advance their career or goes back to work by her own choice immediately after delivering their baby, she is shamed and made feel guilty whereas men are totally immune from such attacks. 

One may expect that after all this imposition and hard work, the woman gets all the credit, and the child at least carries her name and legacy. No, never. The child still bears only the father's name, even father dies before the birth of the child or had zero contribution to upbringing, the child still bears the father's identity, not the mother's, this is the masterstroke by patriarchy, making women bear all the pain and do all hard work but give the product of all this man's label. So, women do all the hard work, including putting their lives at risk (many women used to die and still die during childbirth), and in return, they only get a hollow glorification, the man gets to attach his name just for being a man. This is also why women's sexual freedom was heavily guarded whereas men were free to have multiple relationships or marriages. Before DNA testing, there was no way for men to confirm that the child from their relationship or marriage was their genetic child. Women didn't need any proof to confirm their genetic link to their baby as they literally produced that baby, but the men had no other way to confirm this without prohibiting other sexual intercourse until the initiation of the pregnancy. This is how the concept of purity and sanctity of the female body arose, just to prohibit females from engaging in the same type of sexual behavior that men freely engaged in. Even today, in many cultures, it is abuse to say that someone has multiple fathers, but the other way (having multiple mothers) is perfectly okay. 

Patriarchy affects both, men and women, but the way it affects women is very complex. Many traditions that look harmless and fun are designed to keep women in only certain roles and stunt their personal and professional growth so that many areas exclusively belong to men. Guilt and shame are often used to attack women who dare to break these traditional boundaries imposed on them. The sooner women realize this better it is for them. Being a parent is a choice, parents share the joy and burden of bringing a child into this world. Putting the entire onus of love and tenderness on women is unfair and brutal. Mother or father, any parent can provide childcare, just because of one's gender no one should be forced to bear a child or take care of a child, or compromise their professional ambitions, the day we realize this we move one step closer to gender equality. Until then, keep supporting feminism, because that's the best mechanism we have currently to counter all the nonsense against women.         

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

©Vinay Thakur,  Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com  

Parents don't own their children

Parenthood is a beautiful thing, but at the same time, it is a physically and mentally challenging job. Parents have a responsibility to provide for and guide their children as they grow and become independent and responsible adults. As parents, we are not only taking care of our own children but also shaping up our society by bringing up future citizens of that city and country. However, parents don't own their children and children should not be treated as mere possessions to be controlled and manipulated to convert them into reflections of self. In many cultures, children are often referred to as the property of their parents, they are considered as a retirement fund of parents, someone who has an obligation and responsibility to take care of their parents no matter what. But this notion is deeply flawed for many reasons.   

This idea that parents own their children may have its roots in a patriarchal society where children were seen as an extension of their father's property. Even today, in many cultures, children are considered as an asset to be used for labor, marriage alliances, or to continue the family lineage. These traditions treat children as objects to be owned and used for the benefit of parents. However, children are independent human beings with their own thoughts, needs, feelings, and desires. Parents produce them by their own actions, human reproduction is a biological process, similar to the reproduction of many mammals who reproduce their offspring by the same mechanism we reproduce. There is nothing spectacular or divine in our reproductive method, it can be initiated in a petri dish in a well-equipped biology lab. 

Just because children are biologically produced by their parents, they don't become the property of their parents. They are not like any other property we own that we produce or buy, like patents, writings, paintings, sculptures, or our pets. Children are not listed as our assets that can be valued or sold if we default on any financial obligations. This is the reason no developed country gives an unrestricted right to any parents to bring up their children in whatever way they want. There are some rules that parents need to follow and if they don't follow these rules, the state may step in to protect the rights of the affected children. In most countries, at least on paper, children have legal rights and protections that are independent of their parents. For example, children have the right to a safe and healthy environment, access to education and healthcare, and protection from abuse and neglect. All these rights are recognized by international human rights laws and are enforced by many governments. This itself is enough to remind parents that children are not their property but independent entities with their own standing, legally and socially.

Children have the right to make their own choices and live their own lives free from the influence of their parents. However, this rarely happens in most cultures. Even though most parents agree that it is the duty of parents to support and nurture their children, and not to dominate and control them so that children can become independent thinkers, rarely do parents allow children to go out of their influence. That is why we see most kids follow the same religion as their parents, support the same political ideology, and even follow the education and profession chosen by their parents. 

Finally, parents must also understand that their children are not a reflection of themselves. Most parents make this mistake, they think that their children are the means to fulfill their own unfulfilled dreams. Many parents own the success and failures of their kids as if it is their own success and failure. Definitely, parents play a role, maybe a big role, in their kids' lives, but the success or failure of their kids doesn't in any way reflect on parents' own lives unless there is gross negligence or misconduct from the parents' side. At the same time, children are not responsible for their parent's success or failure. Having this simple understanding will allow parents to encourage their children to pursue their own interests and passions, even if they are different from their own. 

As parents, it is our responsibility to recognize, respect, and protect the individuality and agency of our children and provide them will all the love and support they need to thrive and become responsible citizens of this world.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

Balancing physics, chemistry, and biology of a relationship

If we analyze the dynamics of any relationship we will find they do involve elements of physics, chemistry, and biology. I don't mean that they literally involve basic concepts from these branches of science, but any relationship, especially our relationship with our partner does involve important aspects of these three branches of science.

Let's first take chemistry, we need to have compatibility in any relationship, especially with our partner. Without compatibility, it's tough to live happily together. Imagine a relationship where people argue or fight continuously because they are not compatible with each other. Compatibility also doesn't mean you need to be very similar to each other or your things have to match on every point. People can be very different and still complement each other very well. This is why chemistry becomes important, we all have certain traits and characteristics that we value or want to preserve, find a person who values them, and who gives you enough space and freedom to be yourself. You want to complement each other not to complete each other. Every person is complete, we don't need anyone else to complete ourselves, we need someone who can understand us and support us when needed. When two people make they should form a strong bond, not an explosive reaction. Only strong bonds survive tough conditions and make that relationship long-lasting, look for such strong bonds. 

Next is physics. There are physical aspects to our relationships. This is an ignored and taboo subject in most of the societies. People are not very open to talking about the physical aspects of the couple's relationship, but it is as important as any other aspect of the relationship. This aspect requires a lot of compassion, love, care, as well as respect. Consent should not be taken for granted and the wishes of each other should be respected to have a healthy physical relationship. Ignoring this aspect of the relationship could have a serious effect on other aspects of the relationship. A lack of good physics could spoil the good chemistry.

Lastly, biology, which many times we can control and many times we can't. This part requires some care, precaution, and knowledge. Without properly knowing the biological consequences of our actions, it is easy to make mistakes and then regret them. Some mistakes are correctable because of the help of medical science, but this is not the case always. It is better to be safe than sorry and this is true at every stage of the relationship. I am not just talking about the biological aspects of sexual behavior, but also about the effects of negligence towards personal health. Unhealthy habits are bound to show their effects at some stage, it is always better to be aware of our own personal health challenges and work to mitigate any health-related issues. Biology could affect the physics of a relationship and they both together could affect the chemistry of a relationship to weaken the bond.

Striking the balance between all three aspects of a relationship is not easy, people often struggle with one aspect or another. Sometimes they get the chemistry right but mess up with physics and biology, and sometimes it's the other way around. There is no right or wrong formula, every couple has to come up with what works best for them. This requires the participation of both partners as unilateral solutions rarely work. Also, this is a continuous and never-ending process, it continues as long as that relationship exists, and we need to tune the balance at every stage of life. This is always a work in progress, but very important work. Please don't neglect it.

Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic. 

Pregnancy - a God's wish or just a biological phenomenon?

A few days back US Senate candidate from Indiana Richard Mourdock was in the news for his comment about abortion. Many so-called pro-life people (I don't know on what basis they call themselves pro-life) are against abortion and they debate heavily about when human life begins and how we can't reject a gift of God even if the person who is receiving it doesn't want to have that gift. It's really surprising, but even in a developed country like the USA this debate has been going on for decades and still, people don't have any consensus on this issue. 

The whole notion or hypothesis that human life is a gift from God sounds very unrealistic to me. We are also products of a biological process of reproduction like any other animal or insect on this planet. People don't call earthworm's life a gift from God. We don't call diseases like cancer, Malaria, small pox as gifts from God and try to preserve them. We rather call them deadly diseases and fight against them. Then what's so special about fertilization or conception? We interfere in many natural processes, that could be called God's will or wish like earthquakes, hurricanes, diseases, and our original appearance (by doing plastic surgery, makeup, growth hormones, etc. However, no one calls these acts a sin and condemns our efforts to eradicate them. Rather the techniques or inventions that help us to fight against all these things are considered as boons for the human race and we all feel lucky to have them. If we look closely human history is full of incidents about our fight against natural calamities (call them God's wish). Many battles we already won and some of them we are still fighting.

This post is not pro or anti-abortion. I personally think abortion is and should be the choice of a woman, after all, she has to bear that child and she must have the right to decide what is good for her health and her life. When we bring the topic of God and its will into to discussion of abortion and issues related to it clearly we are going off the track and blowing this issue out of proportion. These so-called pro-life activists don't want to support a gun ban in the US even after so many incidents that prove that it's dangerous. The right to bear arms is considered a fundamental right given by the Constitution (nothing pro-life here) but when it comes to abortion they think we should not interfere in God's will. There is no question here about the fundamental privacy rights of women regarding their health and body. They don't think it's pro-life to support the fight against global warming. Many of them don't even accept that human actions contribute to global warming. They even want to get rid of the Environment Protection Agency (EPA), which helps protect the environment and people but still, they call themselves 'pro-life' because they want to protect every fertilized human egg, no matter by what means it gets fertilized and whether that woman wants it or not.

The natural beginning and end of human life (or for that matter any life) are purely biological or natural phenomena. There is nothing divine here, we are a product or I must say a byproduct of some act that humans do for their pleasure (sexual intercourse). This is a simple fact about the origin of our life. For most animals, the sexual act is a mere seasonal or biological phenomenon for reproduction so that their species can survive, but not for humans. Like many other things (like eating, clothes, shelter) we have glamorized this act also. We are different from other animals in many ways because of our behavior and imagination and that includes our reproductive and sexual activity. Biologically it's the same. To fertilize an egg, a sperm has to meet with the egg and this initiates the reproductive process. There is nothing divine in it, natural reproduction won't happen unless these two things come together (whether God's will or not doesn't matter). Today, because of advanced technology same thing can be done in a test tube, and if we want we can create a new life in a lab (another proof that there is nothing divine in it because even humans can do it). At least in the case of other animals, their sexual desire and acts are controlled by the environment but we humans are immune to this, we control our sexual desires and acts. Rape, sexual abuse, extramarital affair, casual sex, or for that matter any sexual act between male and female has the potential to create a new life. It's not that only after certain rituals or social permissions (like marriage) reproduction happens. So why these people are still pretending that there is something divine in it? What's the problem in accepting that it's a mere biological phenomenon?

It's a woman who has to bear a child and face psychological and physical issues related to pregnancy and its aftermath. She should get to choose when she wants to take that responsibility that's why it's her right to have options for contraception and abortion. In many cases, mistakes happen or something goes wrong, then also it should be her decision to choose what she wants to do with her pregnancy. Teen pregnancy is a social issue and we need to educate kids about it but politicians and lawmakers should not decide whether women should bear a child or not. It's a personal choice of that woman. It's not an easy decision for a woman to take but nature has given her that right and we should not mess with that.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

(Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing) 

Reference:
1. http://www.washingtonpost.com/business/richard-mourdock-god-at-work-if-rape-causes-pregnancy/2012/10/24/dc81932f-480d-468d-bae5-5c8dea35e97c_video.html
2. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/24/richard-mourdock-rape-pregnancy_n_2008385.html?utm_hp_ref=elections-2012
3. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shitala
4. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Todd_Akin_%27legitimate_rape%27_and_pregnancy_comment_controversy