My Nani and feminism

Patriarchy is a default setting for all of us. We all are born in patriarchy, it is the system that has been prevalent in all cultures, societies, and countries for centuries. Generations have lived and are still living in social constructs dictated by patriarchy and there is a strong social, cultural, and religious culture that propagates it in various ways. We don't have to do anything special to propagate patriarchy, it exists around us, and we all become part of it as that's the culture we inherit in all societies. Individual families sometimes may differ somewhat and try to get rid of some regressive patriarchal traditions, but even those families live in societies that are patriarchal. The patriarchal mindset has been challenged by the gender equality movement, also called feminism, but this battle is still in its initial stages and there is a long way to go. Feminism has challenged gender discrimination at every level and in this process, it has also affected the dynamics of male-female relationships.  

I am a proud feminist. There are many instances that guided my path to becoming a feminist, the life of my Nani (maternal grandmother) is one of the major forces that made me a feminist. I have written a blog about her, it was written as a response to the comments I received for another blog about some objectionable phrases from a famous Gita translation. My nani lived her entire life in a small village named Rajapur in Uttar Pradesh, the most populated state in India. As it was a common practice back then she got married at a very early age, child marriage was a norm and it still exists in India no matter what are the laws against it. She became a widow within a few years of her marriage. Her husband (my Nana) died in a tragic boat accident in the river Ganga, this happened immediately after the birth of my mom, hence my mom is the only child of my Nani. This one unfortunate incident changed her entire life, it made her life colorless and companionless. She was not allowed to wear a colorful saree or have any makeup or any jewelry that a married woman was allowed to wear. No one even bothered to think that she should be given a second chance to restart her life with someone else and enjoy the simple pleasures of life that any married woman around her was enjoying. Rather, the entire society was okay with depriving her of all the simple pleasures of human life at such a young age. Nani was a brave lady, she survived, lived her life with grit and dignity, she created her own identity and raised my mom with the help of the joint family. People respected her and took care of her needs like food, clothes, and shelter, but no one went beyond that. As a grandson, I received tremendous love and pampering from her, she used to treat me and my two younger brothers like kings. Whenever we visited her, she was happy and ran after us making sure that we didn't face any troubles, as long as we stayed with her her entire life revolved around us. I have a retreat in my life that I could not reciprocate her love, she passed away in 1991 when I was just a teenager. I wish she could have survived to see me graduate from college and especially get my PhD, whenever I think about this I feel sad that she didn't live to see any of this. However, her life did make me realize unfair and brutal religious, social, and cultural practices that only targeted women. It made me realize how women are purposely suppressed so that society can exploit them. It is true that in Hinduism there are many female deities like Durga, Lakshmi, and Sarasvati, but just because society worships female gods does not mean it also respects females and treats them as equals. Just because her husband died my Nani couldn't live the life of her choice, she was not offered any choice, her choices went away with my Nana's death, but her presence in my life made me a feminist to make sure at least no one in my family will face a similar fate. As long as there are traces of patriarchy in our society, we need feminism, as long as there is a single woman whose choices are taken away due to misogynist religious and cultural practices, we need feminism. My Nani unknowingly made me a feminist. I am a proud feminist, are you?  

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com 

Who is Guilty?

This is a very special post, which is why it might look very emotional, lengthy, or even over the top. Many incidents mentioned here are directly or indirectly from my real-life experience.

Recently, I wrote a post about the book Bhagavad Gita As It Is. I discussed a few lines and paragraphs from that book that I found highly objectionable and shallow in their content. I thought those lines were conveying the wrong message to their readers. I received lots of positive as well as negative feedback about this post, on the blog, and also on Facebook, where I share all my posts. People wondered why I could not ignore a few comments from the book; many books make these types of comments, and people should ignore them. This book is not a novel or any magazine for entertainment purposes; it is one of the religious books that people study, read, and derive their beliefs from. Some said it's a great book because it attracts a lot of devotees from the Western world towards Hinduism (I think most people can become ISKON members after reading this book, but not Hindus, as the book is not about Hinduism). Many also advised me that, as a Hindu myself, I should feel happy that my religion is spreading in the world because of this book. Some said it was just a small black spot on a big white paper; I should look at the white paper, not the black spot. But I disagree with all of them, any religious book, Bhagavad Gita, Bible, Qu'ran, or their translations, or any other book if it preaches hatred or discrimination against women or any section of society should be condemned and exposed in a timely manner; otherwise, consequences can be disastrous. Many of these small black spots have, over time, become black pages of our history, for example, untouchability, casteism, Sati Pratha (burning of a woman alive along with her husband after her husband's death), child marriage, forced widowhood, slavery, racial discrimination, and many more things.

I mainly objected to the lines from the book, which, according to me, spread the message of hatred about nonbelievers and treat women as an inferior sex compared to men. I have seen enough hatred and women's suppression in my life. As a kid, I watched the life of my Nani (my maternal Grandma, in Uttar Pradesh, from where I come, we call Nana and Nani to maternal Grandpa and Grandma). She was a great lady, uneducated but with great courage and great devotion towards God. She became a widow at a very young age (maybe 20 or 22), soon after my mother's birth. Society at that time treated widows very kindly but not very fairly. Men, after their wife's death, could remarry within months, but women were not allowed to remarry. In the event of their husband's death, first of all, they used to get the blame for that death (bad omen), and then widowhood was forced on them. Their heads used to get shaved, and they were only allowed to wear white or any pale-colored clothes, no ornaments, and no makeup (reason: to protect them so that other men wouldn't get attracted towards them). They have to behave as if they are not alive; they used to be there as shadows of their bodies, devoid of any color, any desires, just moving bodies. My Nani at least had a daughter to look after; she devoted all her attention toward her, but many are not that lucky. She was very well respected because of her kind behavior and dedication toward God; she always worked hard. I always saw her doing some work for somebody; she never sat quietly, as if she didn't know how to rest, as if her life depended on her usefulness in the family. She used to be possessed by a ‘Deity’ or ‘Devi [‘Devi Angat Yene’(in Marathi)] sometimes. [During this condition, the individual completely transforms his or her expression and behavior (personality) to resemble some deity. The person is then supposed (or pretends) to be possessed by a deity during that period. He/she behaves in a convincing manner, making appropriate actions and sounds to appear as if he is in a trance and pretends to know answers to all questions by devotees surrounding her/him]. This still happens in many villages, and it is mostly women who do it. I knew this was not the real herself, but I think this was her only chance to command, her only chance to dominate the world around her, her only chance to dictate terms and feel in control of something. She never complained about her situation; she believed it was her fate, and she saw how other widows are treated in society. Her belief in God was unshaken. She was convinced that it was how God wanted them to live, it was how written in the scriptures, what she or people around could do? Nothing, as it was all her fate and her fault. I salute her every time I remember her. It's not easy to live life like that. She is the person who gave me the inspiration to fight against all these malpractices. She and the people around her were not bad, but were hypnotized by centuries of false propaganda about these scriptures, how men are superior to women, how women are to blame for their misfortune, and how or girl child is a burden on a family.  Their thinking was paralyzed, and society was conditioned to think in a particular way. Pundits, many scholars quoted lines from scriptures to authenticate these traditions, to support these beliefs.

She died at the age of ~60. I wonder whether she ever lived her life after her husband's death; she only lived for others after that fateful tragedy. That single incident defined the rest of her life. Sati Pratha was banned decades ago. After the sati ban, a widow was not burned alive after their husband's death, but was not allowed to live a normal life either. The widowhood was forced on them. I knew something was wrong. How could God be so cruel to some people for no fault of theirs? But I realized later it was not God, it was God's words, the words from the Vedas, Gita, Bible, Qu'ran, and many other scriptures used to justify these acts. People twisted words, extracted whatever meaning they wanted, gave references from age-old books that have no relevance in today's world, and justified these practices. They gave a divine angle to their desire to rule, a desire to use women and other weak sections of society for their benefit. I saw it happening with many other people, including my neighbors and my sisters; they were suppressed just because they were women. "God made them women, and now they should behave and live as God wants women to behave and live; we can't interfere in this, it's God's will," this was the justification offered for these things. We worship women in our society, but never ask them if they want to be worshiped or not. Qualities like tolerance, patience, selflessness, and dedication are good, but they were forced on women so that they won't be able to even protest where it's necessary to protest. Their wings were clipped so they couldn't fly, and after some time, they forgot that they could fly. They started believing it was not meant for them. People of my generation who lived in Indian villages and even in some cities must have seen many women like this, and I hope they understand what I am talking about.

The reason why I am so sensitive towards such comments about women or weaker sections of society lies in all these experiences. I can understand Dr. Ambedkar's anger when he said, 'I was born as a Hindu but will never die as a Hindu'. I can understand when in spite of being a woman, she doesn't want to give birth to a girl child, even willing to kill her, she is scared to bring her into this world. Did we ask why?. It's not only her who is responsible for this, but it's the society, it's the years of discrimination, it's the justification of male dominance and preference, and the belief that women are inferior to men, and yes, holy books, they have their share in this crime too. If these books get the credit for all the good things that are in our society, these books should share the blame for these bad practices. These prejudices and fears are deeply rooted in society; unless we remove them, we cannot stop any of the above. Laws can only be effective to a limited extent, and we need to reform the thinking of society. 

This article is not against Hinduism or any society, culture, or country. I was born in a Hindu family and lived most of my life in India, which is why most experiences are from there. India is my motherland, a beautiful place, and a lovely country. I am sure people from other religions and countries must have faced or seen similar situations in their lives and might have felt similar pain. A lot of things have changed now, and the situation is much improved in urban areas of India, but still, a lot needs to be done, and we cannot allow the wheels of time to go backward by neglecting such texts, as you never know which holy book might become authoritative in the future, and people start following it.

It is not only about my grandma and her life, but it is also about the countless women (and other social classes like untouchables) who suffered and are still suffering because of this prejudice. We all can point fingers at each other; each generation will point the finger at its previous generation and say they started it, and we just followed. I am sure this long trail of blame will end with some person (or a group of people) who twisted the meaning of texts to preach their own philosophy, or even they might point their finger at some book, whose authors we are not sure about, they are long dead, and that book can't defend itself, so who is guilty here?. Are those women guilty just because they were born as women? Is society guilty, which watched this happening and even participated in the crime actively? Are those males guilty who believe that women are inferior to them? Are we guilty who still can't convince people to correct mistakes if they find them in the scriptures or in any holy book? The book becomes important because of its readers, and the movement becomes popular because of its followers, so we are all part of this crime, and we cannot escape the blame.  Now it's our chance to rectify it, so let's not make the same mistake.

If people can't understand after reading the reason behind my reaction to certain lines from "Bhagavad Gita as it is," then they may never understand it. I share my views on the blog, so I thought I should also share the reason behind those views. It's a very long post, but the topic is very important and close to my heart. Thanks for reading and for your patience. Please share your views.

Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing.