I did not choose science, science chose me

For more than a decade, I enjoyed working as a research scientist in academia as well as in industry.  It was a very rewarding and educational experience. Science became an integral part of my life in 11th grade, and it will remain an integral part of the rest of my life as well. It shaped my thinking, cleared many of my doubts, taught me to be curious and not settle for vague or unverifiable answers, and many more things. But I did not choose science because I loved it or it was my dream since my childhood to become a scientist or anything like that. It was decided by my transcripts and social trends of that time. It sounds very dry and dispassionate, but in the end, it resulted in a very impassionate relationship between me and science.

In India, students have to decide which discipline they want to study very early in their student life when most of them have no clue what they want to do. I needed to make that selection after my 10th grade (even before finishing the highschool as far as the US education system goes). I needed to decide if I wanted to pursue my education in science, arts, or commerce. I decided to enroll in science, not because I loved science or I was passionate about research, there was no romanticism or love at first sight, or that I was best in science compared to other subjects, rather I scored highest in history. It was the merit list that made that decision for me. I got enough marks to be on a merit list for science discipline and that's how I began my journey towards the wonderland of science. Back then I had no clue where this journey would take me. I had no plans, no roadmap, no guide, and no mentor. My only aim was to finish college and get a decent job. I did not even know what was research and what was Ph.D. and why anyone would study beyond a B.Sc. (undergrad degree in India). But I am glad that science chose me and guided me. Initially, it was a struggle because of the language difference. I studied until my 10th grade in a Marathi medium and suddenly in 11th grade, everything was in English. For the first few months, I had no clue what was going on in class, but slowly I adjusted to this new reality and started enjoying the exciting subject matters from various disciplines of science.

One of the reasons I continued my education after my B.Sc. degree was that I really enjoyed what I was learning and it was helping me to find answers to many questions about which no one around me had any clue. It helped me to understand the source of various problems, helped me to come out of many superstitions and discriminatory rituals, trained me to ask questions, and also not to expect readymade answers but to go and find answers on my own. This all helped me personally, there were not many people who could guide me but libraries and books filled that void. Science did not inculcate the reading habit in me but it taught me not to read just for the sake of pleasure or entertainment. It made me think over what I read, analyze it, and then apply those things in my life. It made me open to new ideas, and challenge my own beliefs and prejudices. This approach has helped me tremendously in my life. Many times we face problems or situations about which we have no clue and people around us also are not able to help much, but there is a huge ocean of knowledge locked in many books, and if we know how to access that knowledge we can solve most of our problems using that knowledge. The truth is that almost every problem we face in our lives someone has faced before and they write about it, and that record can be a very useful source of information for us.

Science also taught me to live with the uncertainty in life. Science teaches you that you cannot know everything. Research is a never-ending process, there is no beginning and end to the knowledge. The process of conducting research is often more rewarding than the end result. Of course, the end result matters, but that itself is not everything. We cannot predict the future, and that is the reality, we need to live in the present and try to do our best with the hope that things will work as we plan there is nothing more in our hands. It also taught me how to deal with failures. Every scientist has to deal with failures. Negative results are an integral part of every scientist's life, but most scientists do not get discouraged by them. Yes, scientists also do get frustrated or feel sad about failed experiments, but just for that particular moment, because the next day they need to plan their next experiment with more excitement, rigor, and dedication because this is the only way to move forward. Science and scientists cannot afford to get stuck in the past, as there is always a next challenge waiting for them, something more complicated and exciting. Yesterday's success doesn't guarantee tomorrow's success and the same is true for failure. Many of the lessons which I learned from science have helped me in other aspects of my life and this is why I am glad that even though I did not choose science, science chose me.

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Martin Ginsburg - what an inspiration

While I was watching a documentary on Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, I came to know about her incredible husband and an amazing human being late Martin Ginsburg. What a man he was, an incredibly talented lawyer himself who supported each and every adventure of his life partner. I don't want to create an impression that normally husbands do not support the career aspirations of their wives, they do, but more often it is the wife who needs to adjust to the changing career situations of her husband. At least till now, this is the dominant picture. Slowly this is bound to change, but this man belonged to the era where any such example was almost next to impossible to find, but he wholeheartedly supported every career objective and ambition of his wife without any reservations or hesitation. He not only followed a path that was a rare thing during his time and is still a rare thing even today but also set up an example of a partnership where the roles are not defined by gender. He is an inspiration for every man or woman to learn how to coexist together without being jealous of each other and thrive in our own careers without imposing any unnecessary burdens on each other. I was immensely impressed by their incredible partnership. It is the partnership that matters in any relationship. If there is no mutual trust and respect then either it becomes an exploitative relationship for one of the partners or it develops cracks and starts to disintegrate. I encourage my readers to read more about them, maybe their stories can inspire you to support each other so that both can achieve their dreams without feeling that they compromised too much. 

I was impressed by the trust level between Justice Ginsburg and Martin, both were incredibly lucky to find each other, this is an amazing love story that needs to be told. I hope she writes more about their incredible journey so that others can learn from their struggles and triumphs. Thank you, Martin, for being such an amazing partner. 

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Chandrayaan 2 - it is the courage to continue that counts

I was not aware of the exact day of Chandrayaan-2 landing until I read that ISRO abruptly lost all communications with the craft just a few minutes before its planned landing. I saw so many posts from my Indian friends and relatives either glorifying or politicizing this event. I fail to understand how a prime minister of a country and mere party politics became a centerpiece of news related to science and technology. India's space program is several decades old and had some spectacular achievements including the recent Mangalyaan (Mars Orbiter Mission) which was also made into a Hindi movie. I think Chandrayaan-2 deserves to have its own movie even more than Mangalyaan just because it was trying to do something that was not achieved before on that part of the moon by any other country. If any country wants to progress in science and technology it needs to empower its people to take up new unsolved challenges and more importantly, learn from failures. 

In the area of research and development, it is important to learn to deal with failures. Believe me, there are many setbacks in any scientific endeavor, therefore, failure is a very important aspect of any scientist's life. I cannot even count the number of reactions that failed during more than two decades of my journey in research and development. Some failures are massive, some really hurt you and make you start from scratch, some make you doubt your strategy, some are due to your own mistakes, and some are due to unavoidable circumstances. No matter what reason, it is guaranteed that failure is going to be there, more often than we want. As a scientist, one has to be prepared for it. At the same time, I don't want to paint a picture that a scientist's life is only full of failures, there are moments of glory and spectacular achievements, and there are many moments of adrenaline rush that make you wake up and run to the lab to analyze the results of your experiments. These spectacular moments are accompanied by disproportionate amounts of failed attempts, and that's why it's important to educate people that in science failure is not something that should be discouraged or glorified. The attempt must be applauded, but at the same time, it must be analyzed sincerely, as lessons from failure are many times more important than what we learn from success. Many scientific challenges are extremely difficult and some even look practically impossible, but that shouldn't stop us from trying and failing as it's the only way to conquer the impossible.

When I watched the Apollo-13 movie, I was so impressed by it that I watched it with my kids at least a couple of times after watching it alone. It is not a movie about a successful moon landing, rather it was an unsuccessful attempt, but the resilience and composure shown by the people involved in the mission to bring back astronauts safely back to earth were impressive. Every failure teaches us something, there is always a lesson to learn, but this is true only if we are willing to learn. Only a few failures get the recognition they deserve, and there is no mechanism yet to publish the failed results. Normally people don't care about failure or they play a blame game or they feel ashamed to discuss it. Disappointment is natural after any failure, but at the same time, the efforts should be appreciated, not only by others but mainly by the people who were part of the team. The team who tried really hard but failed needs to value their efforts and understand the importance of their work. If they don't then they will only remember the end result, a failed attempt, not the rest of it, which is equally important. 

Then, why I am against glorifying failure. Because failure doesn't need it, the team or a person already knows that their attempt was not successful, and any glorification has the risk of sounding too fake or too sympathetic. Failure only needs encouragement and genuine support which can motivate a reattempt with equal enthusiasm and vigor. It's a natural instinct to play safe and become defensive after failure, but that's not always the right strategy, it all depends on the context. Yes, Chandrayaan-2 failed, but it was a brave attempt. I want to end with a quote by Henry Ford, "Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently." Very well done ISRO scientists, let's try it again as there is nothing that science cannot achieve, provided, we do not stop trying.

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How to deal with the onslaught of the cult of positivity?

Who doesn't like to be positive, right? However, is it possible to remain positive in each and every situation of one's life? Is it even normal to try to be positive all the time? Definitely not. There are bound to be ups and downs in everyone's life. We are going to feel the highs and lows in our personal and professional lives. If we check, we can find thousands of videos on various platforms of social media that only talk about how to be positive, and how to be happy. There are very few that discuss how to deal with every kind of emotion: positive, negative, neutral, everything. Many of these videos are good and they can help a person overcome frustration or get motivated to take up new challenges, but at the same time, they are creating what I call "a cult of positivity." These so-called motivational gurus intentionally or unintentionally group human emotions into two categories: good and bad. Positivity, optimism, love, etc. all are good, and anger, frustration, anxiety, fear, discomfort, etc. are all in the negative bucket.  

This cult of positivity has become so strong and dominant that even when you try to talk about the possibility of a different outcome than a person desires, they label you as a pessimist or a negative person. People are not willing to listen or even consider that there might be another possibility that needs some consideration. Don't get me wrong, there is no problem with being positive, it helps in many ways, but at the same time other emotions are as natural, and many times they are very much required to have a proper understanding of the world around us.  People do feel angry, frustrated, anxious, or depressed and such people are not pessimistic or people filled only with negative emotions. Such people can also have equal zeal and love for life. These so-called motivational leaders talk as if a person should always be high on adrenaline and willing to jump a cliff no matter what, and if we show a slight hesitation or reluctance, then we are a failure or should be ashamed of ourselves.  However, this is not how real life is, we can feel apprehension, doubt, fear, feelings of being lost, lonely, sad, rejected, stressed, remorseful, angry, and jealous. These are just a few and there are many emotions to add to this list, and all these emotions are as natural as feeling positive. 

We need to feel optimistic and positive, no one can deny that. At the same time, too much of anything is bad, as it is said: "The dose makes the poison." Too much of any emotion is bad, if our stress, anxiety, or depression becomes chronic, we should get professional help. Demonizing these feelings doesn't help. Many people are reluctant to accept that they feel these so-called negative emotions just because they are worried that they will be judged if they speak about these emotions. We need to learn how to deal with this cult of positivity. I notice that people smitten by this cult are scared of anything that has a connotation of negativity or vulnerability. People prefer to shield themselves in a false sense of security and do not want to be perceived as vulnerable, they feel being vulnerable means being weak, and this is not natural. We need to equip ourselves with a proper emotional balance so that we can understand when this dose of positivity or any other emotion is reaching the level of being toxic. There is no one-size-fits-all solution for this, as everyone's capacity to deal with a particular emotion is different. This is why, we should not hesitate to talk about all emotions, not just the ones which people appreciate (so-called positive ones). This will allow each emotion to get its due recognition and will remove the guilt factor from people who feel the emotions that normally don't get any space in day-to-day discussions (so-called negative ones).  

The human mind is a very complex thing and just one emotion cannot define its good or bad health. We need to strike the emotional balance and the path to striking that balance demands to recognize and accept the presence and need of every emotion. 

Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic. 

You will be fine

"You will be fine," is a simple and short sentence, but it can have a profound effect on your mental state if you hear these words at the right time. Many times, we go through a rough phase in our lives. We struggle or face challenges that seem difficult to overcome in our personal or professional lives. Some obstacles look too big to overcome. Some tasks look too onerous to finish. Sometimes we feel drained because of our efforts just to stay afloat. Sometimes we do not know whether we are moving in the right direction or not. Sometimes there is too much uncertainty in life, or we get overwhelmed by so many things on our plate. Under these situations, we really want someone to say "You will be fine."

One day I was walking to my work, sad and dejected because of the sad news of someone close passing away, having no clue about whether I would survive in a new field where I was trying to establish myself, in general feeling very low, and I read "you will be fine" written on a wall while my way to work. It really helped. I smiled after reading it, it instantly made me feel hopeful and optimistic. Someone saying that we will be fine is not going to reduce the intensity of our struggle or the difficulty of our challenges but it will have a positive effect on us. It makes us more optimistic that we can go through that phase successfully. My wife Reena is a great support for me, she is my eternal "you will be fine" person, as she believes that I can do anything and always encourages me to chase my dreams. Reena is not scared to walk with me on a path that is different than the path that others around us take. I really admire her courage and many times derive my strength from her support. I am lucky to have such a person around me. However, our loved ones can't be with us everywhere, sometimes you need some extra support from people around you,  and that's when such assurance from someone else can help. For me, it was the writing on a wall by some artist, for someone it can be a coworker, a friend, a book, a quote, or some other person. We all should try to be supportive of people around us as we do not know from what phase of life they are going. They might be feeling really low and that one encouraging gesture from us might be enough for them to gather the strength that they need to overcome that obstacle, to survive that vulnerable moment.

Stress and anxiety are an integral part of modern-day life, we all need to deal with it and many times solutions to the big problems are through small steps. If we can help each other by being genuinely supportive then why not do it. Remember, having a healthy atmosphere around us will also make us more happy and healthy, it will also motivate us and if one day we need some support we will have an ecosystem around us that is capable of offering that support. We all should try to build such an ecosystem and as we all know any good work should start with us. We should initiate by being supportive and encouraging. Please be supportive and encouraging. It is okay to push people and motivate them to do their best. It is okay to demand high standards and performance. At the same time, when people feel low, it is necessary to offer them support and motivation that can help them overcome failures, stress, and worries. Give it a try, believe me, you will be fine.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

Education can work either way

Education is empowerment for many, it is an extraordinary tool, and it gives great power of knowledge which has been and in the future also can be used to achieve various great things for the betterment of our society. However, like any tool, its utility depends on the user and the results can vary radically based on the way the tool is used. Actually, it can work both ways, good or bad. Falsehood and evil can be taught as easily and as efficiently as the truth, kindness, and love.

Similar to atomic energy which can be used to generate electricity to improve the lives of many or can be used to destroy civilizations, education could be used in radically different ways. All the techniques and tools related to education are available to everyone to teach and propagate whatever they want, good or bad. The tool itself cannot differentiate between the contents, it will work effectively irrespective of contents as it's a very potent tool. The Internet has not only connected kind and good people but also has given a global network and platform for evil-minded people, and both groups can use it the way they want. This can be one of the reasons why we see the re-emergence of some of the divisive movements. This is one of the reasons why societies and countries all over the world are getting more polarized and divided. There is more resentment and anger. I am not arguing that disagreement or resentment among different political or social groups never existed before. It was very much there, people always argued passionately about politics, religion, or any other sensitive issues, but the level of propaganda, falsehood, and the amount of factually incorrect information shared is unprecedented in today's world. That too when almost everyone who is consuming this information can verify it easily, but they choose not to verify and believe it blindly. People are getting conditioned to listen only to what they like to listen to, only what validates their thinking, only good things about their own political party and leader, and only bad things about their opposition.

Enough of explaining what's the problem. Now, the more important stuff, what can we do about it? It is our responsibility to educate ourselves and others around us about the dangers of misinformation. We need to be conscious not only about the quality of food we eat but also about the information we consume. This is why a well-rounded education is not only necessary at colleges and universities but also inside homes. After all, we still spend considerable time in our homes. True that now even when people are in their own homes they are in front of some screen rather than talking face to face with each other, but this is a new reality and we need to accept that screens in various forms are going to be integral parts of most people's lives. We need to learn the value of dissent and opposition, and the value of criticism.

Without opposition there is no democracy, without criticism, there is no progress, and without disagreement, there is no discussion. We should learn to question not only other's ideas but our own ideas and be ready to answer questions about our political ideologies or social policies no matter how tough and uncomfortable these questions are. If not, we might start living in a bubble where we surround ourselves with people who agree with us all the time. If we care for our unity, we need to communicate with the other side. We need to listen and understand each other. If not, we will lose the battle as divisive forces will make use of the same tools better to spread their message of division and hatred and we will keep on wondering what happened. 

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Chandu Uncle

"Chandu uncle" or Chandu kaka, this is how I addressed "Chandrashekhar Vairale." We have known each other for almost a decade, but the length of acquaintance may not be able to define the depth of relationship we have. My younger brother Umesh introduced me to Chandu uncle when we moved to our new home and it was an instant connection and the beginning of a strong bond that day onwards. We used to meet during my every India trip and discuss various social, political, and personal issues. His advice and opinions were always balanced and he never hesitated to criticize whenever it was required or whenever he thought it might benefit me. Even though we lived on different continents, miles apart, this distance never affected the strong bond of friendship that we formed. I cannot find a better term than friendship to define it. He was sort of a mentor, but also a great friend, with whom I can discuss almost everything and expect rational advice. He took a personal interest in taking me to places like "Snehalaya" and "Maher" where great social work is being done by some great people, introduced me to some aspects of society that I was not aware of and also showed me how one can help people as much as one can without expecting anything in return. His friend circle is very vast and diverse. I was impressed to see that he knew so many people and had direct access to them. He always encouraged me to take up new challenges and also helped me as much as he could. When I started writing my blog, he was one of the first who started to read it, offered suggestions to improve it, and commented on posts that he found interesting.  

I heard about his illness a couple of months back and chatted with him about it, but never knew it was so serious. His sudden demise is a personal shock to me and many of his friends. I left a vacuum which is hard to fill. The world will move on and it should, but some people leave a permanent mark on the lives of people with whom they interact and I think Chandu uncle is one of them. It is hard to explain some feelings and some losses as one cannot describe them in words or quantify them. I will miss him for sure, but his memories and suggestions will always be with me.

Thank you for reading. 

More than 100 kids died, and the country didn't even blink

Last month, I read the terrible news about the death of more than 100 kids. It was a massive tragedy, with more than 100 kids losing their lives due to a totally preventable cause, terribly shocking news. What was more shocking was that this was happening regularly for quite some time and the administration never bothered to go to the root cause of the problem, never tried to find out what was the real cause of these deaths, and the most tragic part was that the entire country didn't even blink when such a massive tragedy was happening. I am talking here about a country that is roaring to claim its place among developed nations of the world. How a country can even dream about becoming a developed nation when 100 kids die regularly and no one, from the administration to the common people, even shows any concern? Was it because it happened in a state like Bihar? Was it because there were no elections around and therefore no political party was interested in this incident? Was it because all these kids belonged to poor sections of society, and therefore, there was no one to create enough media buzz about these deaths? I cannot find any reason which could justify why a country like India ignored this tragedy. Uttar Pradesh and Bihar are politically so important that any party who wants to dominate national politics exclusively focuses on them, probable candidates for the Indian Prime Minister position make sure that they fight their parliament election from one of these states, but when it comes to issues like health, education, crime, basic infrastructure these states are treated with so much contempt, ridicule, and ignorance that they are one of the most undeveloped states in India; and no matter who is in power this situation doesn't change.

Any developed country would have been outraged to witness the death of more than 100 kids due to administrative failure to take care of things in the area of public health. This tragedy did not happen due to sudden natural calamity, or due to something which never happened in so many years, but it happened due to something that they knew happens almost every year but no one cared about it. Even the death of more than 100 kids was not enough for a nation to stand up and question, WHY? A country where the injury to a cricketer from a national team can become a national issue, worthy of a newsroom debate and a tweet from the Prime Minister, but the death of so many children didn't produce any anger or concern. This tragedy only resulted in some stupid and encroaching journalism by some hyper and ignorant journalists who barged into the intensive care units where doctors and nurses were struggling to deal with this massive challenge with the help of severely limited staff and a more severely limited supply of medicines. These journalists not only defied all medical safety norms but also aggressively asked questions to the doctors who were in no position to answer them. Not one of them bothered to ask questions to people who really should be answering these questions, but poor doctors were made scapegoats as if it was their responsibility to have enough beds and medicines in the hospital, and as if they were in charge of the state's health ministry. This tragedy not only exposed the state and national government's failure at so many levels but also exposed how much public health is given priority in India, not only at the government level but also at the social level. The entire country moved on as if nothing happened.

I hope such a tragedy doesn't happen again, and if it does happen again, then at least India responds in the way any responsible country should because each citizen's life is precious.

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The myth of the "varna system"

If anyone has ever participated in a discussion related to the caste system and casteism in India, then they know what is meant by "varna system." The basic argument goes like this, the current caste system which is as disgusting as racism is not the original system, the original one, the Varna system was a much better and smart idea. Casteism, where one gets discriminated against just because of the family in which they are born is impossible to defend, but it still exists, people just label it as a derivation of the Varna system. The original system, the varna system divided society into four broad categories. Varna (वर्ण) was considered to be a noble, well-intended, flexible, efficient, and just system that was designed for the smooth functioning of a society. The blame for spoiling the original idea is put on the invaders by many supporters of the Varna system. It seems the invaders messed up that system which resulted in horrendous caste-based practices like untouchability. The argument is that the horrendous caste system is what's in practice, not the so-called original well-intended varna system, and that too even after India celebrated its 70th Independence Day a couple of years back. Some people blame it on the British, some on the Mughals, but I have not found a person who can accept that the original system itself was prone to exploitation and misuse, and it never worked as people claim it to work for any significant period of Indian history.

Now, why I am blaming the concept of the varna system for the current casteism in India? Aren't all societies have some social class or divisions based on economic status? Yes, they do, but none of them have resulted in something as ugly as the caste system in India and none of them justify such division as a well-intended and genius creation for the smooth functioning of a society. I always ask people who argue that the Varna system was a brilliant idea and it was a flexible arrangement that allowed people to move from one Varna to another based on their education and profession to give me a single example of a period of history when this system was functional like this in the real world. Even in mythological epics like Ramayana and Mahabharata, all we see is the rigid caste system, where people get a birthright to become a king or queen just based on the family in which they were born not by their virtues or education. The point to be noted is, that all these epics were written well before invaders even knew about India. So, tragically proponents of the varna system can't blame invaders for polluting or manipulating these books. People who really bothered to study or read about the varna system might cite some example of some Shudra king and claim that it was because of the varna system that a Shudra could become a king. Shudra was supposed to be the lowest strata of the four layers of the Varna-based society (Brahmins, Kshatriyas, Vaishyas, and Shudras). Ironically they still address that king as a Shudra king and claim that his becoming a king shows that the system was flexible. If the system was flexible, there would have been many more examples of this, not just a few exceptions. There are always some exceptions in any society who break the conventional ranks and achieve something extraordinary, not because society encourages it, but because they achieve great things despite society being hostile towards them. If any reader knows about any time period from the ancient history of Indian civilization when this Varna system was at work as people claim it to be, I am interested to know about it, please share the factual data with references. It will give me another perspective to analyze what went wrong that the Varna system got converted into a caste system and if the original system was so great why people did not revert back to it.

According to me, the original system is as flawed as the caste system. As I said the division of society based on economic status and profession is not something new. It happens on its own and people do move from one economic layer to another based on their income, education, inheritance, and other things. This is not a system but just a way how people feel comfortable to associating with a group of people to whom they relate most. Rather, to make such an association into some kind of a system is a horrendous idea. It is like encouraging and legitimizing segregation, and this is why I feel the Varna system, like a caste system, was wrong. Once again, if anyone thinks I am wrong, please provide factual evidence so that I can correct myself. I hope the caste system goes away. It has been diluted in certain parts of India due to economic progress, but in general, it is still strong and very much present in most parts of India. The ways and methods that people use to discriminate based on caste have evolved, but sadly it still exists. I hope that defenders of the Varna system work to eradicate the caste system instead of wasting their energy to defend the system that never delivered its promise.

Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic. 

Marriage can be a liberating experience

This month I and Reena will be celebrating our 21st marriage anniversary. So far, it has been an amazing journey for both of us, full of excitement and challenges. I couldn't have asked for a more supportive and understanding partner who not only supported me in all my endeavors but also took up each and every challenge which I threw at her with a lot of good spirit and courage and I hope Reena also feels the same way.

Ours was a classic arranged marriage. We did not know each other personally before a marriage proposal came to my parents from a common acquaintance who knew members of both families. This was a traditional way arranged marriages used to work before the emergence of matchmaking agencies and online matrimonials. I met her only once before we got married and that too only when I insisted on that meeting. I really had to take a stand that I was not getting married to anyone without having at least a one-to-one meeting with that person. This was a shocker to all the elders in my family as something like this never happened before and everyone was wondering what I may achieve by talking with a girl in person? Isn't the photo enough to see how she looks? Isn't what her family tells about her enough to judge that she is going to be an obedient wife and daughter-in-law? What am I going to talk to her? Does it really matter? Yes, it did matter to me. I wanted to tell the person who was going to marry me what type of person I was and what was she getting into. I knew from the beginning that my marriage was not going to be like all other marriages around me. This was all that I told Reena when I met her at her home in Varanasi during the only meeting we had before our marriage. I explained to her my views, and I told her about my family, my Ph.D. work schedule, and my other future plans. I also conveyed to her my expectations about my partner and asked about her expectations. Not to my surprise she had minimum expectations like her husband should not be alcoholic or abusive. The bar was that low for boys to qualify as a suitable groom. I did not know back then how she felt about my insistence on meeting her, later she told me that it was a bit surprising for her that I talked about all these other things rather than where to go for honeymoon and other typical stuff that people ask their prospective brides.

Anyway, we got married in 1998, and since then Reena has been my partner. I see many people complaining amount of restrictions their marriage puts on their lifestyle, there are many jokes about marriage being the end of freedom for a man/woman, but nothing like that happened with us. Our marriage has proven to be a liberating experience for both of us. I never felt restricted from anything, rather I have more freedom as I have someone to share responsibilities and support me apart from my parents and brothers. I have more support after marriage than before marriage. As far as our personal relationship is concerned, we both give each other enough space. We recognize and acknowledge that we both have our own circles from before our marriage, and we need to maintain those relationships without diluting our relationship with each other. This is not an easy balance to strike, but also not difficult if both partners try honestly. A lot of understanding, transparency, and discussion are needed to achieve this and we both never hesitated to initiate complicated or difficult conversations no matter how complicated or sensitive the issue is. We are poles apart on certain issues, but that never affected our personal relationship. Imposing our own views on each other was never our intention, we believe in agreeing to disagree and moving on. We value and encourage independence, but this was not easy in the beginning as it was a shocker for Reena when I told her to decide about her personal issues, like when to visit her family. I know that many people will think that's such a trivial matter, but even this much freedom is not offered to women in many societies. They need permission from their husband or in-laws even to visit their family. I must say that Reena took this challenge very graciously and worked really hard towards it. It was not easy for both of us as it created family conflicts and other challenges, but we did it. This is what I mean by marriage can be a liberating experience, we both are free and independent, not independent of each other, but independent within a relationship that binds us together. We value and respect each other's space, even in disagreement we support each other's right to have different beliefs. We recognize each other's complexities and do not try to make it more complex, but try to support and understand. We discuss and debate a lot, but not always to convince each other, but many times to understand each other. We do need to strike a balance but it is from both sides. I do not get the upper hand for just being a husband and she does not have to compromise just because she is a wife. We try to fight many patriarchial notions together. We not only believe in gender equality but we also practice it. There are many small and big things which contributed to making our relationship really special. Marriage was never a burden or a cage for both of us, and I hope other married couples feel the same way. It all depends on both partners, if they want, marriage can be a liberating experience.

Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic.