How good is your coping mechanism?

Emotions are unavoidable, we all experience them and there is a range of emotions that we experience, they are an essential and unavoidable part of our lives. The range of emotions is vast, sad, happy, love, hate, jealousy, envy, hate, fear, and many more, there are different shades of them. Some of us are better at dealing with these emotions than others, this is not because some of us experience these emotions and some don't, we all experience these emotions, and the difference is our coping mechanism. We cope with these emotions differently, and hence our reactions differ. Most of us neglect to think about our coping mechanisms, this can be knowledge about our own triggers or people who help us to deal with our emotional health. It is important to be aware of our coping mechanisms.

It is tough to control the onset of emotions, they come and go depending on many factors, but we can control our reactions to our emotions. Some emotions affect us positively, some have a negative effect, and some don't affect us at all. Not all reactions need to be modulated or controlled, rather, our impulsive reactions make us human, they nurture our relationships and cultivate our sensitivities. However, when our reactions start hurting us or the people around us, then we need to work on our coping mechanisms. Having a reliable coping mechanism is important to protect ourselves and the people around us from the negative effects of some of our emotions. It is true that we can't control the incoming or outgoing of our emotions, but we can control our reactions, this is also one of the characteristics of being human. The presence of a coping mechanism also differentiates us from animals, the ability it allows us to control our emotions and impulses. Controlling our reactions to our emotions doesn't mean suppressing our feelings, undue suppression of feelings can result in serious mental health issues. The control that I am talking about is not about unhealthy suppression of emotions but control or modulation that we need to protect our mental well-being. A control that allows us to react better, in a more constructive way towards whatever emotion we are experiencing. A control that allows us to be ourselves doesn't force us to change just to fit in, a control that makes us feel that we belong rather than feeling like a misfit. 

One way to have a better coping mechanism is to have people around us who can help us deal with these emotions in a better way. People cannot be a substitute for an internal coping mechanism but they can be a facilitator in developing a better internal mechanism. Actually, we all can help each other to develop a better coping mechanism. Helping others not only may improve their reactions to their own emotions but in this process, we also may learn a few new things about ourselves and improve our own coping mechanisms. Let's work on improving each other's coping mechanisms to deal with emotions that affect us negatively or impact our health. The world will be a much better place if we all learn to control our reactions a little better and learn to treat each other with some more compassion and love, let's work sincerely towards it.

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Lata Mangeshkar- a feeling that will live forever

Lata Mangeshkar, the most celebrated singer of the Indian film industry died on 5th February 2022. Personally, for me, her voice and many of her songs mean a lot, those songs are therapeutic for me, they calm me, give emotional support when I need it, provide immense joy, help me to stay focused, give me hope, and stay with me wherever I go. I also know very well many controversies and facts that are not so pleasant about her life, I also know about her political and ideological leanings that don't match at all with my ideological leanings, I have read and researched a lot about Lata Mangeshkar, the person, I was once her devotee and worshipped not only her voice but her personality as well. Ultimately, I learned to differentiate art from the artist. For me Lata Mangeshkar is not just a person, Lata Mangeshkar is that magical voice that enchants me every time I listen to songs sung by that voice. That voice comes through a person, but that voice is not that person but it is a feeling, a feeling that is going to last with me forever. People come and go, and people have good and bad characteristics or controversies associated with them but beautiful and soothing feelings are pure and live forever. 

It is not that all songs sung by Lata are immortal, and it was not only her voice that made those songs great, Those songs were really well written and composed, lyricists and music composers deserve equal credit for those songs. However, it is also true that many of those songs were composed because those lyricists and music directors knew that only Lata could pull it off. Lata Mangeshkar could not make a bad song great just by her singing, but she definitely could make a good song not just great but immortal by her singing, there are many songs like that, ask any Hindi and Marathi film music lover. 

I address that voice as "Lata," not Lata didi or Latajee because that voice is not 92 years old, songs with that voice are still as fresh and enchanting as they were when they were just released, they will never age, get old or die. Lata Mangeshkar, the person is no more, but Lata "the voice" is very much here and going to be here as long as music exists on this planet. Lata is with us there is no saying goodbye to that Lata, that voice cannot leave us, that feeling cannot leave us, and for that, I am thankful to the person Lata Mangeshkar, thank you for everything, whatever you gave is more than enough for us to survive. Thank you.

Hate is politically potent currency that politicians use abundantly

Political polarization does not happen accidentally, it is a carefully planned and designed phenomenon by politicians who know for sure what are they doing. Hate is a very powerful emotion, it can shut rationality and logic, even for the most sophisticated minds, that is why it is a potent and valuable political currency and politicians use it abundantly. Politics is an intense and fiercely competitive field, that's why political battles are fought like wars with troops from opposite sides trying to defeat each other. However, there is one major difference between politics and other wars, in politics, the aim is to defeat your opponents' ideas or ideology, not to eliminate or kill them as individuals. Politics is all about the clash of ideologies and policies, it is not about people who convey those ideas. Yes, charismatic orators or personalities help to convey those ideas in a better way, but in the end, it's all about those ideas and not about the person expressing them. 

However, when ideas are not that strong, rather they are weak and full of objectionable motives, or the opposition also has equally good or even better ideas, then, hate helps. Hate is such a strong emotion that politicians are tempted to use it more often than any other emotion. It is used so often that many times, the hate itself becomes the agenda. It is easy to divide people between we versus they, nationals versus anti-nationals, pro-x versus anti-x, or any other division. Hateful propaganda reaps political dividends, and politicians enjoy success with the complete awareness that they are inflicting serious damage to their country or society. Political victories are addictive to politicians as well as their supporters, these victories not only give a sense of ideological triumph but also act as a validation of their tactics. It creates a perception that hate is justified because it is validated through a ballot box. 

When hate is mixed in politics with any ideology, the opponent does not remain only a political rival but becomes an enemy of the nation and society, worthy of exodus, all this just because of a political disagreement. However, people engaged in all this forget that hate is like fire, it burns indiscriminately after a certain point. A hateful campaign may reap political dividends in the short term, but the hateful society it creates always remains at a flashpoint. Once politicians legitimize hate and violence directly or indirectly it becomes an accepted method to resolve any conflict. People start using violence or spewing hate wherever they feel there is some conflict, and this cannot be controlled even by the same politicians who used hatred to come into power. Hateful societies can never be a healthy place to live as they become exclusive, they cannot allow flourishing for all types of talent, as there will be always a violent reaction to disagreements.   

The current trend of political polarization and making almost each and every debatable issue a politically sensitive topic is a new popular trend in world politics. People who participate in these campaigns are equally responsible along with the politicians that instigate them. After all, politicians get elected on votes, and if people support hate, politicians are shamelessly going to use it for electoral victories. The situation is getting so bad that there is no even pretense, hate is visible and felt during many political campaigns across the world, and may seem to be okay with this. These are testing times for humanity and everyone who thinks that diversity of opinion is necessary, minority opinion is valuable even when they are wrong, every voice needs to be heard and given space, and decent needs to be protected. Let's see who wins, hate and exclusiveness or love and inclusiveness.

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Fear of being judged

Fear of being judged is a real fear among individuals. We fear being judged based on various parameters, some examples are being judged based on our gender, age, religion, nationality, education, job, sexual orientation, political views, marital or familial status. Getting judged based on our parenting or the way our kids perform is one of them. 

A survey of parents revealed that about 90% of mothers and 85% of fathers feel judged, and almost half of them feel judged all the time by people they know and even by complete strangers. This fear makes them try various things so that they can overcome feelings of their own insecurities and avoid being labeled as irresponsible parenting. Tiger parenting, free-range parenting, liberal parenting, conservative parenting, and whatnot, parents look in every direction and source to find some tips to raise successful kids. They all intend that their kids will become successful and be happy. However, in this process, parents don't realize that they are engineering the life of their child as per their own wishes and inclinations, they are shaping their child's thinking, even dictating choices based on their own prejudices, and for a considerable time, that child has no say in his or her own life. Parenting is complex, and these aspects make it more complex and confusing, this is one of the reasons why most parents choose the prescribed or most popular format, at least that format guarantees a certain outcome in most cases, a so-called successful child, who is going to have standard education and a well-paying job. 

So, how to deal with the fear of being judged? Well, you can't stop people from judging you, but you can stop your actions from being influenced by the fear of that judgment. It's not easy and in practice, no one accepts that their actions are influenced by what others will say, but in reality, they are. When in any society most people follow a certain pattern, it establishes certain norms. One can sense that these norms are based on the way certain behavior, let's call it a confirmative behavior, is rewarded and praised, and other behaviors not fitting in the set pattern, a non-confirmative behavior, is criticized or called a risky behavior. It is really up to individual parents how they want to parent their children. Every child is different, even between two siblings one cannot expect the same behavior even after being raised in the same household with the same parents, it is that uncertain, but as parents, we want to bring certainty as it comforts us. However, parents' desire to play safe, or have a certain outcome has resulted in homes becoming factories for raising standardized kids, who conform to their parent's desires and choices. Legally child labor is banned, but now school work and extracurricular activities have become a legal form of child labor, kids are forced to do these things to an extent their parents want them to do, it really doesn't matter whether the kids want or not. Therefore, it's really up to parents to notice what they are doing as kids have very little say in all this, there are risks associated with every parenting style as nothing guarantees the desired outcome, but at least parents can choose not to be a dictator but be a facilitator. Let's be a facilitator as much as we can because no matter how good, dictatorship is after all a dictatorship with no freedom for a non-dictating party and our kids do deserve the freedom to be themselves, not our own shadows or not what we can't become but wanted to become.

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Social paradigms of settlement

We all hear well-intentioned advice from people around us to "get settled" in life. Different societies and cultures have developed different social paradigms for what they mean by getting settled in life. One can find a few common things among all these social paradigms of settlement, for example, getting a degree, finding a decent-paying job, getting married, buying a house, having kids, and then trying to repeat the entire cycle in your kid's life. There may be some very good reasons why these indicators are being included in the socially accepted meaning of "settlement," maybe there was a good intention behind creating this standard format and maybe most subscribe to and like this structure. However, there is a negative side to all this. These definitions also have created pressure on individuals, sometimes, it is entrapment, anyone who does not subscribe to these standards is considered a misfit, abnormal, or even a failure. 

Theoretically, most agree that every individual has the right to choose the way they want to live their life, but in reality, very few work towards creating such an environment. Most start dictating their kid's life from a very early age, the fear of insecurity or missing out is so much in parents of every generation, and more so today, that parents send their kids to every possible training or coaching here they feel it will help that child to beat the competition. The poor kids have no choice but to live the life that their parents plan for them, no doubt, this all is done by good intentions, but the good intentions do not mitigate the harm. The result of all this is that most knowingly or unknowingly subscribe to these ideas, they try to fit in. Things like chasing your dreams, and pursuing your passion are thrown randomly when the reality is that most don't even know what is their passion or what are their dreams. 

How easy to defy these social paradigms of settlement and create your own? It is not easy, but it is not impossible. Based on our needs and inclinations we need to charter our path, but first, we need to learn to identify our inclinations based on our own understanding. We indeed develop our understanding based on what we learn from our surroundings, so, it is natural to be influenced by the environment around us. Also, it is not easy to make decisions that don't fit in the generally accepted social paradigm, for example, if you don't get married or buy a house after a certain age dictated by these paradigms you are bound to face relentless questioning, and intrusion of our personal boundaries by people around us and many can't stand that pressure or scrutiny. It is also true that not everyone needs to defy these standards or raise a rebellious flag against each and every norm, but if it doesn't suit you, please don't hesitate to defy them, no matter how old or how well-intentioned they may be. Creating our own path is tough and risky but a worthy endeavor, if we succeed we show that there is an alternative way, if we fail, we at least have the satisfaction that we tried rather than surrendering to something that was not for us. Subscribe to social paradigms of settlement if you want, if they suit you, good, if they don't, then defy them and create your own, charter your own path, no matter how different it is, it will be your own path. Enjoy the journey and don't worry about the destination, no matter what it is, the journey will be amazing and unique, for sure. Good luck.

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Happy New Year

Celebrations for a new year have become a universal phenomenon, they are like a worldwide birthday celebration. Change of a year is no more a mere calendar page change or change of one date to another, it is more like entering into a new phase of life, we allowed this incident to gain that status to this event. People make New Year's resolutions and many wait for the new year to start something important and new. 

Wishing all my readers a happy and successful new year. Don't forget to celebrate your achievements so far and get ready for new challenges. A new year is about a new beginning and anything new may come with a lot of surprises, good as well as bad. We need to be ready to deal with all. 

Stay happy and stay focused, spread the love and get love in return, and don't get bogged down by the negativity some try to spread. Happy New Year and happy reading.

My "weird" tiger tooth

I have a unique arrangement of my teeth, they can make a challenging project for any orthodontist. I have one tooth that is different than others, called "tiger tooth" and I call it "weird" not because I think it is weird, but just to highlight the fact that it is unique and different from my other teeth. While growing up in India I never felt that my teeth were unique, as there were quite a few with similar teeth. However, when I came to the USA I was amazed to see the nearly perfect alignment of teeth of almost every individual. I never knew about orthodontists while growing up, also, I never heard of anyone getting their teeth arrangement fixed. Going to a dentist was a rare event in my neighborhood, people visited the dentist only and only when tooth pain became unbearable or there was some accident where they had some damage to their teeth. We did not know anything about annual dental cleaning or flossing regularly. So, like many others, my spectacular teeth remained as they naturally chose to arrange themselves. This was perfectly normal until television and movies started dictating all over the world what is a perfect smile and how having perfectly arranged teeth is an essential aspect of being presentable.  

When my kids got into their teens they needed to visit an orthodontist as I don't think they can survive in today's world with the kind of teeth that I have :) Occasionally, some young child tells me that my teeth need to get fixed, and I nicely tell them that they don't, they are just different from theirs, the same way as my skin color or my height or bodyweight is different than many people around me, my teeth are little different than many others around me. They accepted my answer, but their question indicated how conditioned we and our society are getting due to the standardization of certain beauty or appearance standards. I am not saying resisting these things is easy, rather, it is extremely difficult to swim against the tide. How do you enter a room where everyone is sitting in a suit and you are the only one without it, especially when you are a beginner and most people don't know who you are? It's frightening for many that they will be judged based on their teeth, body hair, or clothes. Therefore, most of us try to fit in and subscribe to the standards dictated to us. I never consciously chose not to go to the orthodontist, I never had access to them, due to money and other reasons. But when I could afford an orthodontist, it was my choice not to get my teeth "fixed." This was for all kids like me who were not aware of the dictated beauty standards. Every smile is beautiful, is a cliche, people say it, but the conditioning is so deep that you will never see a toothpaste or any other advertisement with a person like me, not because we don't smile but because our smile doesn't fit in the standardized definition of a beautiful smile.

It is also true that I never faced any problems due to my teeth, people are extremely cordial and nice to me, but I see the trauma and stress many go through at a very young age because they have something that doesn't fit into the standardized definition of beautiful. I encourage them to create their own standards and be confident about them. Wouldn't it be amazing if we all express and enjoy the beauty in our own way, rather than trying to fit in the definitions created by someone who doesn't even know us? 

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The phenomenon of over-earning

We are taught at a very young age the importance of money to live a decent life, we are also told that it is important to earn a decent wage to earn that money to support ourselves and our families. However, we are not taught how much money is enough for a person or a family to live a decent life. The result is we all learn from various sources what is a decent life, we are coached about how to be happy, and we are continuously bombarded with advertisements and messages that claim to inform us about what we need. I wish this all could help us at least to draw a baseline for what we really need to fulfill our needs and be content. These advertisements, movies, and now social media confuse us so much that we don't even know the difference between our needs and desires. We routinely mistake our desires for our needs and run after them as if we can't survive without them.

There is no denial of the importance of money in our society. We need money (or something that society values) for almost everything, food, clothes, shelter, and any other services we need. It is also true that this pressure to earn money motivates many of us to take many challenging jobs in our lives and many of us achieve great things and help society while trying to fulfill our needs and desires. So, if the pressure to be self-sufficient motivates us to earn what's the problem? 

The problem is we are not told where to stop, and most of us have no idea how much we need to earn to feel safe and comfortable, this is what results in a phenomenon of over-earning. We are filled with so much uncertainty and insecurity that we can't stop thinking about making more money. The desire to make more money is not a problem in itself, but to get trapped in the phenomenon of over-earning and stop enjoying life is the problem. Initially, we need a decent job and residence, then, want to own a house and a car, then, even a bigger house and a more fancy car, and we keep on shifting the goalpost throughout our lives without celebrating the goals that we achieve. We try to make sure we have enough for the uncertain things that may or may never happen in our lives, for example, unemployment, our kids going to expensive schools, and fancy holidays that we are told are necessary to live a happy life. We are sold countless dreams every day, and what we do, we chase them all. We earn and save for that one vacation that we dream about every year and don't manage to take because the very job we do to earn money for that vacation does not allow us to take any time off. We save money and then pressure our kids to get into that prestigious college or university where our kids may not want to go. Everyone's list can be unique, but the problem is the same, we are trapped in over-earning, forever, and our insecurities and fears grow so much on us that we can't come out of them. We keep on fearing for things that may never happen and save money for things that we may never do. It's like running on a treadmill from which we don't know how to get off or slow down.

So, is there any solution? It depends. I know this is not a desirable answer, but that's what it is, it really depends on how badly you are trapped in over-earning. The first step is to acknowledge that we have enough of what we need and we are over-earning. Then, try to differentiate between our needs and desires, keep a check on our insecurities, stop worrying, make sure to take those vacations for which we save, and be aware of all the brainwashing and conditioning we are subjected to by countless advertisements and social media posts. It's not easy, as having more money than we need is comforting, no one likes to live on the edge, but the reality is that most of us live like we are living on the edge even after having more money than what we need and we should work towards changing this. Over-earning is a thing, it's not some hypothetical problem, it adds stress to our lives and forces us to live in the perpetual feeling of insecurity. It seems that during the last couple of years, many people have realized the problem of over-earning due to losses they suffered during the COVID-19 pandemic. It took a pandemic for us to realize that our priorities were messed up. But now as we realize the problem, let's fix it.

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It's time to clean our burdensome culture

Whenever I used to question some rituals or some rules that were imposed on us, for being a boy, or on my sisters for being a girl, I used to get a very common response, just do it, this is our culture. No one bothered to answer why. Things have not changed much in the last 30-40 years, rather I see that people have become more aggressive and sensitive about these age-old discriminatory rituals and practices. Still, certain things are questioned or imposed as they may hurt the religious sentiments of the majority or minority. Any woman not subscribing to these oppressive traditions is labeled as Western, uncultured, or worse, an anti-something (put Hindu or Muslim or any other group in the place of "something"). I wonder what fun people get in carrying the weight of this burdensome culture, why people insist on continuing with openly discriminatory practices, and why it is so difficult to understand that just because something has been practiced for centuries it does not make it right. 

Females are worst affected by these discriminatory cultural practices. In many cultures across the world, females are expected to carry the burden of cultural traditions, they are at the receiving end of any rituals that require obedience or submissiveness. They are expected to fast, expected to serve, expected to cover their body, expected to take the blame for blatant sexual assaults directed towards them, expected to bear the burden of parenthood, expected to protect their and their family's honor, the list is long and includes different things based on which part of the world we consider. The time has come for all of us to let go of this burdensome culture, no matter how old it is. Just because it is old, or going on for ages, it doesn't become worthy of protection, it does not become right, and definitely, it does not become acceptable to discriminate. Discrimination is very subtle in many of these rituals, after all, the people who designed them were not stupid, they wanted to create a patriarchal system that could go on forever, conditioned, both, men and women so that both can carry these traditions with equal faith and conviction. This is why it is not easy to fight against these discriminatory traditions because many who suffer and get discriminated against by these traditions support them thinking that these are sacred and need to be protected. My personal experience is that fighting against these discriminatory and burdensome traditions is one of the most difficult challenges one can take, mainly because many times, you have to fight against your own. One needs to stand up against their own parents or other family members, it is complete hypocrisy to speak against these things on social media or other places and keep mum when it happens within our own family. I have seen many who claim to be progressive and against any type of discrimination keeping mum when their own parents or other so-called respected relatives practice some of these discriminatory traditions. This type of double face is very common nowadays in the era of social media where people have different personalities in the virtual world and different in the real world.

The time has come to get rid of this discriminatory and burdensome culture, we need to create our own traditions and culture that suit our time and place. Old is not always gold, we need to evaluate old traditions with our current set of standards and get rid of the junk or modify it to suit the needs and demands of our time. Let's start cleaning our culture, during the festival season it is not only important to clean our bodies and house, but let's clean our culture also.

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Aryan Khan and the Indian news media

Shahrukh Khan needs no introduction, he is the most popular Hindi film industry star in the world, maybe more popular than Amitabh Bachchan, so, when his son, Aryan Khan got arrested for allegedly being a part of a drug racket it was a headline in most Indian news media houses. So far it is understandable, the twenty-three-year-old son of a movie icon getting arrested for drug-related charges is a worthy headline to catch the attention of your viewers. However, what happened after that totally exposed the pathetic state of affairs of Indian news media. Most news channels started running 24x7 updates about Aryan Khan, what he does, what he eats, about the role of parenting in his arrest, and whatnot. Everything related to him was covered as if his arrest and bail is the biggest crisis India is facing right now. To make things more sensational there were rhyming headlines, poetic tags, super excited anchors, every time exclusive photos or interviews, whatever one can imagine from top to bottom was used by media houses to cover this hot story.

Before this incident the only identity of Aryan Khan was Shahrukh and Gauri Khan's elder son, that's all. Thanks to the Indian media outlets now the name Aryan Khan needs no introduction, I am sure whoever watches Indian news channels knows about him. I am sure this is not the way Aryan or his family expected him to get popular but he is now popular and currently may be more popular than his dad in India. It was a simple case of a rave party where young kids consume illegal drugs, the law should have taken its own course, and formalities like arrests and bail should have followed the procedure they normally follow in such cases, but it did not happen. It seems when the media started covering this case minute by minute the Narcotics Control Bureau (NCB) of India also got carried away. As a result, the issue became much bigger than it was and now the NCB itself is facing some credibility issues related to this case. I am sure Aryan must be wondering why such a big deal was made out of the fact that some of his friends wanted to smoke weed. No doubt, Aryan comes from a very privileged background, after all, how many people can afford to have the former attorney general of India represent them for a bail petition. However, as people should not get any special treatment because they come from a privileged background they should not be treated worse because they are privileged. 

Another point to note is the way the Indian movie industry chooses to remain silent on the most sensitive issues. Even its biggest stars keep mum or issue some meaningless generic statements on some of the biggest atrocities committed in the country. They genuinely fear that their commercial interests will be hurt and their movies or families will be targeted, but this silence is noticeable to the extent that the industry's biggest stars who carry a macho image on the screen appear spineless in their real lives. However, the same stars expect public support when something happens to them, and they do receive a lot of support (as well as criticism, as hate and love are different sides of the same coin for any celebrity's life). Similarly, in this case, also there was a lot of support and hatred, the issue even took a political twist keeping with the current pattern where everything ends up becoming political and communal starting from a cricket match to the arrest of a superstar's son. Also, politics and communalism are so deeply ingrained in India that most people don't react based on what happened but they first check who are the people involved and then react accordingly. If it's from their own religion or political party then they find each and every possible reason to downplay or even justify murder or rape, and if it's someone from a different religion or opposite political party they can make a big deal about smoking a pot. The role of Indian media is very important in all this, they not only initiate this divide but actively cultivate and make sure that it doesn't get bridged by very aggressive and biased reporting. Any sensible person will cringe multiple times while watching most Indian news channels, they don't even try to hide their love for the ruling party and hatred towards the opposition, they don't even try to pretend to be objective, they shamelessly take sides and act as propaganda machines. I stopped watching them long back, but my parents watch it regularly and I always used to wonder what's the source of their so many conspiracy theories. During my recent India visit, I decided to watch these news channels with them and I realized from where they are getting all this misleading and fabricated information. The problem is there are many like my parents who believe these news channels, after all, why will the news channels lie, it's news, how can it not be true? Many Indians are fed with such lies continuously and I don't know how they will come out of it or will they ever come out of this vicious cycle. Aryan Khan will get bail for sure, it's just a matter of time, his case will also reach some conclusion but the thing Indians should worry about is what their news media is doing with them. The Indian news media is feeding something more dangerous than narcotics to their viewers, and the worst part is the viewers don't even know that they are being drugged.

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