The journey of Reena - from a shy village girl to an independent woman

Reena and I got married 18 years back and ours was an arranged marriage, full of all the uncertainties and concerns that any arranged marriage brings along with it. The journey was not an easy ride, we had our ups and downs and went through our own struggles to understand each other and adjust to each other. I learned a lot from her and I am sure she feels the same. I lived most of my life in a patriarchal society in India, where the status of women was not equal to men. I must also mention that in the USA situation is much better, but still, a lot of work is needed even in the USA so one can imagine the situation in India. I was raised in an environment of male superiority, but fortunately, it had the opposite effect on me. Patriarchy and rampant misogyny around me made me a feminist. I realized the importance of making a woman an equal partner in any relationship. I realized that in the modern world women are an equal stakeholder and they need to to treated like that.

Reena lived in a small village in Uttar Pradesh until her sixth grade and then she moved to Varanasi. Varanasi is one of the biggest cities of UP, but the situation of women is not that different compared to other parts of UP. Definitely, it is better than many villages, but the difference is not that much. So, when we got married, my first task was to make my wife independent of me. She came from a culture where the husband had the status of a demigod - the provider for her needs, the protector of her honor and dignity, and the controller of her life and destiny. I needed to break all these myths. This was not an easy task for me as well as for her. It was confusing for her and very complicated for me. There was no easy way for both of us to maneuver through the maze of cultural mess that arranged marriage and patriarchal culture brought into our lives. When I told her that she is an equal partner in our relationship, which means she has equal rights and has to share an equal responsibility. The second part was more confusing and complicated for her (about the responsibilities). I stressed both, rights and responsibilities because rights without responsibility is a useless endeavor. But I must say that she responded with a lot of courage and perseverance. She took on this challenge head-on after initial hesitation. Initially, she thought her responsibilities were limited to traditional household work which women were expected to perform, this was the way she was raised. But when she realized that her scope of duty involved many tasks that she never thought were women's jobs, she was a little hesitant. There was a struggle, and I witnessed that struggle. I refused to help on many occasions, but that was necessary for her to realize her own potential. She overcame many obstacles on her own, with no or very little help from anyone around her. I was just her companion, once she decided to take on this challenge, she did things on her own, and she deserves the credit for all her successes.

When we moved to the USA, it opened many more new doors for her. She was free from all the social and familial constraints that were present in India. This made her embark on an exciting and rewarding journey. Today, I live with a totally transformed person, she is a much more confident and independent person. We both support each other, and our relationship is more balanced now compared to what it was at the time of our marriage. She is a very confident person and an independent woman who doesn't need her husband's support for her survival, and I am glad to see that she can manage her life on her own. She is a pillar of strength and support for me along with the rest of my family and friends. We both complement each other as husband and wife rather than having a typical husband-dominated marital relationship. It is not easy to write about your partner or parents or for that matter any person in just one blog post, but I want my readers to get the idea that it doesn't matter who we are or from where we come, if we decide and get enough support we all can achieve many things which may look impossible.

Reena's journey so far is not only a success story in its own way but also a source of inspiration for me. She still has many more challenges and many more obstacles to cross, but now she can do these things on her own. There are many successful people around us, but we fail to notice them. Normally we only recognize success or failure based on media reports and very often ignore many inspiring stories of people around us. Many times, no one bothers to tell stories of common people like us. Many times, we fail to notice some inspirational struggle or success story happening right in front of our eyes. We ignore that just because these people don't become celebrities or they don't end up making millions of dollars. I am fortunate to notice and appreciate many such success stories around me. My family members, friends, and colleagues faced many challenges and fought hard to overcome them. For me, all these struggles and triumphs are very inspiring. All these stories along with many others provide me the required self-confidence and optimistic outlook towards life. Reena's journey is one such story. We all have someone around us who is making progress day by day and if we learn to recognize that struggle and draw inspiration from their struggle, life will be beautiful. My life is more beautiful because of Reena and I hope she feels the same.

Thanks for reading.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Pappu

Pappu is my friend from our village Rajapur in Bhadohi (also called a carpet city, a town in the state of Uttar Pradesh). I meet him every time I visit Rajapur, rather he makes it a point to meet me whenever he knows that I am in Rajapur. He can't speak or hear, he was not born with these disabilities, but he lost his hearing ability (and hence speech also) because of some serious illness during his early childhood. People from the village also say that if he had received proper treatment on time, he would have regained these abilities, but it didn't happen due to the lack of resources and knowledge. He is more than 30 years old now, and he is physically very strong and does most of the physically demanding work. He has his own method of communicating with people around him. Because of his condition, he couldn't go to school, there is no separate school for people with special abilities near my village and other schools don't admit students who are not "normal" according to them. Therefore, he couldn't take any formal education in any school this is the reason he also doesn't know the sign language which people like him use all over the world but this didn't stop him from inventing his own sign language which he can use to communicate with others. I don't understand his sign language but most people (even small kids) from the village can understand this special sign language and can have normal conversations with him. I need an interpreter who can explain his gestures and then translate back what I say to him. Fortunately, I always find someone willing to do this job happily for me. My interaction with him is always interesting.

His desire and ability to communicate with others are amazing, he can talk on almost every subject from politics, family disputes, and village gossip. As mentioned, he mostly does physically demanding work like farm work, taking care of cattle, cleaning the home, etc. Many families from the village call him to perform some tasks like milking a cow which has some temper issues, or help with lifting heavy objects. Maybe they call him because they think it is not safe for people from their own families to engage in these tasks and as Pappu is used to doing these types of jobs he readily agrees to do these things. But his sign language is very specific to our village and anyone from outside our village cannot understand it. He can manage to communicate well with people from our village but he can't do the same with anyone who doesn't belong to our village. I feel bad because his life is confined to this small village, and he is confined to performing certain types of jobs. It is not that there are no facilities in India where people like him can get proper training to overcome any disabilities and live their life like any other person but these things are not accessible to everyone, especially in villages there is a lack of awareness about these resources. This situation persists even today in many parts of rural India and I hope it changes very soon.

Pappu is living his life to the best of his abilities, he is trying to make the best of whatever society has offered to him but he still has a desire to get married and have a family like many people of his age around him. He got married once but his wife died recently because of hepatitis. He was not happy with his marriage as his wife was also with some disability and he thought he deserved a "normal" wife like everyone else around him. Even today he expresses his desire to get remarry and most people around him don't think it is going to happen. Pappu also doesn't want to marry a girl who is not "normal" he was not happy with his first wife, maybe he thinks that his kids also won't be "normal" kids if his wife is not "normal." This is such flawed and outdated thinking but he learned these things from people around him. People like him don't need sympathy but they need fair treatment and equal opportunity. They are often considered "abnormal" by people around them and this should stop. There are many examples all over the world (including India) where people with disabilities display their capabilities and talent if given proper training and opportunities. Unfortunately, even these examples failed to change the attitude of society towards people like Pappu, still, they get a lot of sympathy but no equal treatment. Pappu doesn't need any sympathy. I find him capable enough to do any job if he is offered proper training, but he is confined to do particular tasks which he does excellently. I wish people like him were given the freedom to explore their talents like everyone else around them. I am sure there are many Pappus in our society who can not explore their true potential just because of society's attitude towards them. The situation in cities is slightly better but in villages government needs to carry out aggressive awareness campaigns like they did for girl's education. Despite all odds, people like Pappu fight and excel in whatever work they do, this shows that they have immense potential and talent. I hope that people in India change their attitude towards people with special abilities and offer them proper resources and a fair chance to explore their potential.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]