Marriage can be a liberating experience

This month I and Reena will be celebrating our 21st marriage anniversary. So far, it has been an amazing journey for both of us, full of excitement and challenges. I couldn't have asked for a more supportive and understanding partner who not only supported me in all my endeavors but also took up each and every challenge which I threw at her with a lot of good spirit and courage and I hope Reena also feels the same way.

Ours was a classic arranged marriage. We did not know each other personally before a marriage proposal came to my parents from a common acquaintance who knew members of both families. This was a traditional way arranged marriages used to work before the emergence of matchmaking agencies and online matrimonials. I met her only once before we got married and that too only when I insisted on that meeting. I really had to take a stand that I was not getting married to anyone without having at least a one-to-one meeting with that person. This was a shocker to all the elders in my family as something like this never happened before and everyone was wondering what I may achieve by talking with a girl in person? Isn't the photo enough to see how she looks? Isn't what her family tells about her enough to judge that she is going to be an obedient wife and daughter-in-law? What am I going to talk to her? Does it really matter? Yes, it did matter to me. I wanted to tell the person who was going to marry me what type of person I was and what was she getting into. I knew from the beginning that my marriage was not going to be like all other marriages around me. This was all that I told Reena when I met her at her home in Varanasi during the only meeting we had before our marriage. I explained to her my views, and I told her about my family, my Ph.D. work schedule, and my other future plans. I also conveyed to her my expectations about my partner and asked about her expectations. Not to my surprise she had minimum expectations like her husband should not be alcoholic or abusive. The bar was that low for boys to qualify as a suitable groom. I did not know back then how she felt about my insistence on meeting her, later she told me that it was a bit surprising for her that I talked about all these other things rather than where to go for honeymoon and other typical stuff that people ask their prospective brides.

Anyway, we got married in 1998, and since then Reena has been my partner. I see many people complaining amount of restrictions their marriage puts on their lifestyle, there are many jokes about marriage being the end of freedom for a man/woman, but nothing like that happened with us. Our marriage has proven to be a liberating experience for both of us. I never felt restricted from anything, rather I have more freedom as I have someone to share responsibilities and support me apart from my parents and brothers. I have more support after marriage than before marriage. As far as our personal relationship is concerned, we both give each other enough space. We recognize and acknowledge that we both have our own circles from before our marriage, and we need to maintain those relationships without diluting our relationship with each other. This is not an easy balance to strike, but also not difficult if both partners try honestly. A lot of understanding, transparency, and discussion are needed to achieve this and we both never hesitated to initiate complicated or difficult conversations no matter how complicated or sensitive the issue is. We are poles apart on certain issues, but that never affected our personal relationship. Imposing our own views on each other was never our intention, we believe in agreeing to disagree and moving on. We value and encourage independence, but this was not easy in the beginning as it was a shocker for Reena when I told her to decide about her personal issues, like when to visit her family. I know that many people will think that's such a trivial matter, but even this much freedom is not offered to women in many societies. They need permission from their husband or in-laws even to visit their family. I must say that Reena took this challenge very graciously and worked really hard towards it. It was not easy for both of us as it created family conflicts and other challenges, but we did it. This is what I mean by marriage can be a liberating experience, we both are free and independent, not independent of each other, but independent within a relationship that binds us together. We value and respect each other's space, even in disagreement we support each other's right to have different beliefs. We recognize each other's complexities and do not try to make it more complex, but try to support and understand. We discuss and debate a lot, but not always to convince each other, but many times to understand each other. We do need to strike a balance but it is from both sides. I do not get the upper hand for just being a husband and she does not have to compromise just because she is a wife. We try to fight many patriarchial notions together. We not only believe in gender equality but we also practice it. There are many small and big things which contributed to making our relationship really special. Marriage was never a burden or a cage for both of us, and I hope other married couples feel the same way. It all depends on both partners, if they want, marriage can be a liberating experience.

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All scientific knowledge is uncertain, and that's why it's of a great value

Prof. Richard Feynman said that all scientific knowledge is uncertain. When I read this statement for the first time, I really didn't understand its meaning, but when I started conducting research in the field of chemistry I understood the importance of uncertainty in the field of science. Actually, uncertainty is what makes scientific knowledge different than any other field. The possibility that anyone can challenge any hypothesis, anyone can propose any rule, anyone can experimentally prove or disprove any theory, makes the field of science interesting and unpredictable. Anything, no matter who proposed by whom or how long ago can be proven wrong by anyone with enough data. This non-hierarchical aspect of science makes research a fun and exciting endeavor. Scientists are used to dealing with doubt and uncertainty, otherwise, how can one dare to solve a problem which has never been solved before? How can one propose some new rule or predict some new theory? How can one try to find a cure for something untreatable before? This is why experiences with doubt and uncertainty are very important for any scientist or a science student. Science is as much about asking new questions as it is about finding answers to unanswered questions, this is an inherent feature of scientific knowledge. 

When Feynman called scientific knowledge uncertain, he did not even remotely mean that it was unreliable. Uncertain doesn't mean unreliable in this context, it just means that it is subject to change and nothing is fixed in stone. Now, this concept might be difficult to digest at first. How can something be uncertain and still be reliable at the same time? However, this can be the case, and if we look at the process of generating and evaluating the data in science we can very well understand how and why. Here, the uncertainty is not because of the content, but due to the process by which it is generated. The process has an inbuilt mechanism to challenge the status quo, encouragement to improve things and push the lines, start new frontiers, take up new challenges, and finally, try to prove things wrong, and this is what Feynman meant by calling scientific knowledge uncertain. Scientific knowledge is not static, it's in continuous flux. Once I understood this uncertainty, I really enjoyed my research and learned a lot from the many failures that I faced while conducting it. Failures, actually, many of them, are an integral part of every researcher's life, and acknowledging the inherent presence of doubt and uncertainty makes the journey more enjoyable and rewarding. Remember, this uncertainty is what stops from scientific knowledge becoming dogmatic. So, embrace the uncertainty and enjoy the journey of exciting scientific pursuit.

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Balancing physics, chemistry, and biology of a relationship

If we analyze the dynamics of any relationship we will find they do involve elements of physics, chemistry, and biology. I don't mean that they literally involve basic concepts from these branches of science, but any relationship, especially our relationship with our partner does involve important aspects of these three branches of science.

Let's first take chemistry, we need to have compatibility in any relationship, especially with our partner. Without compatibility, it's tough to live happily together. Imagine a relationship where people argue or fight continuously because they are not compatible with each other. Compatibility also doesn't mean you need to be very similar to each other or your things have to match on every point. People can be very different and still complement each other very well. This is why chemistry becomes important, we all have certain traits and characteristics that we value or want to preserve, find a person who values them, and who gives you enough space and freedom to be yourself. You want to complement each other not to complete each other. Every person is complete, we don't need anyone else to complete ourselves, we need someone who can understand us and support us when needed. When two people make they should form a strong bond, not an explosive reaction. Only strong bonds survive tough conditions and make that relationship long-lasting, look for such strong bonds. 

Next is physics. There are physical aspects to our relationships. This is an ignored and taboo subject in most of the societies. People are not very open to talking about the physical aspects of the couple's relationship, but it is as important as any other aspect of the relationship. This aspect requires a lot of compassion, love, care, as well as respect. Consent should not be taken for granted and the wishes of each other should be respected to have a healthy physical relationship. Ignoring this aspect of the relationship could have a serious effect on other aspects of the relationship. A lack of good physics could spoil the good chemistry.

Lastly, biology, which many times we can control and many times we can't. This part requires some care, precaution, and knowledge. Without properly knowing the biological consequences of our actions, it is easy to make mistakes and then regret them. Some mistakes are correctable because of the help of medical science, but this is not the case always. It is better to be safe than sorry and this is true at every stage of the relationship. I am not just talking about the biological aspects of sexual behavior, but also about the effects of negligence towards personal health. Unhealthy habits are bound to show their effects at some stage, it is always better to be aware of our own personal health challenges and work to mitigate any health-related issues. Biology could affect the physics of a relationship and they both together could affect the chemistry of a relationship to weaken the bond.

Striking the balance between all three aspects of a relationship is not easy, people often struggle with one aspect or another. Sometimes they get the chemistry right but mess up with physics and biology, and sometimes it's the other way around. There is no right or wrong formula, every couple has to come up with what works best for them. This requires the participation of both partners as unilateral solutions rarely work. Also, this is a continuous and never-ending process, it continues as long as that relationship exists, and we need to tune the balance at every stage of life. This is always a work in progress, but very important work. Please don't neglect it.

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Find your own Everest and try to conquer it

Everest summit is a challenging expedition for anyone and under any known standards, it's not only dangerous, but also financially, mentally, and physically very demanding process. Everyone can't dream of attempting this adventure, one needs proper training and expertise to try this, and even after this, there is no guarantee of success. This post is not about know-how about how to climb Everest successfully, but it is about the fact that we all face some challenges in our lives that are as difficult and challenging for us individually. Sometimes these challenges are so tough that metaphorically we can compare them with the Everest summit.

Is this comparison fair? I think it is. Everyone has their own Everest to climb. It doesn't have to be the actual Mount Everest for everyone, for many of us, there could be challenges that are as difficult as climbing the actual Mount Everest. I call this our personal Everest challenge. For someone, it could be learning how to speak English. or someone, it could be how to drive. For someone, it could be to switch professions or change jobs. For someone, it could be to fight discrimination or some other social challenge. Depending on the stage of our life and our individual characteristics and circumstances things can be incredibly challenging to achieve. My advice is, to find your own Everest and try to conquer it. It will take a lot of training, hard work, determination, and persistence, success may not be guaranteed, but that rewarding journey is worth all the effort. If you manage to finish the task, don't forget to celebrate the achievement, and cherish the success. It is important to enjoy the journey as well as celebrate achievements. We often undermine our own struggles and triumphs. Not everyone wins the Olympic Gold, no doubt, that's a great achievement, but so is overcoming some individual hardship and conquering something that was considered unachievable for us. Also, remember that each individual's Everest is different. Someone can speak English or Spanish easily doesn't mean it's easy for everyone. For someone it could be a dream of their life to master that language, for them, that's their Everest, the ultimate goal to achieve. For someone, it might be how to drive, for someone it might be how to fight against some disability. Find your challenge and pursue it, give it your blood, sweat, and tears, and then see how it feels when you achieve it. All the very best with your personal Everest challenge.

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Importance of healthy relationships in our lives

Humans are social animals. We prefer to live in groups, and many of our oldest institutions like religion, and marriage are the result of our need to have some sort of organized social and family structure to live as a community. As a result of this communal need, we also believe in building and cultivating relationships. This is the reason we not only cherish and value our biological relationships but we equally care and value our social or non-biological relationships as well. The fact is that no matter what type of relationship it is, it takes time, effort, honesty, and sincerity to cultivate it and make it strong. Every relationship goes through ups and downs, there can be rough patches along with smooth sailings, but there are going to be variations, and during these ups and downs our patience, persistence, and sincerity are tested. 

Each and every relationship has to be a two-way exchange. One-sided relationships don't last long, and if they do, then one person gets exploited as another person has no contribution towards nurturing that relationship. I think we all need to pay special attention to our professional and personal relationships for our own mental well-being. Both of them occupy two major spheres of our lives, one is a personal and another one is a professional sphere, both are equally important. If we tilt the balance in the favor of one at the cost of another then the ignored part is going to hurt us and the people around us in that sphere. People might think why am I giving so much importance to professional relationships? After all, work is work how can it be so important? Actually, it is very important. Not only for your survival but also for a healthy and vibrant workplace where others feel comfortable and welcomed so that the overall performance of the organization is enhanced, and not only we personally benefit, but society at large benefits. 

Developing and maintaining a healthy relationship is hard work. It demands a lot of our time and effort, but if we look at the long-term benefits of having strong bonds with people around us we won't complain about all the efforts we have to put into developing those bonds. My only suggestion is, no matter what type of relationship it is, biological or nonbiological give it a fair chance, participate wholeheartedly and honestly, keep things sorted and simple, and don't make things too complicated when they don't have to be. Enjoy the relationships and don't feel burdened by them because when we enjoy things we don't care how tough they are or how much effort they take, be happy and try to make others happy. But remember, it is important to be happy first, then only you can make others happy.  Everyone needs companionship and support, and it is not that difficult to get it, just follow the right path. Relationships are important, so treat them with the respect and importance they command. When you are respectful and committed make sure that you receive equal respect and commitment from the other side. Don't be in a one-way and exploitative relationship, no matter what the relationship is. A healthy relationship makes our journey of life more exciting, after all, we all are going to become a memory one day, so make sure that you create a good one. 

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Seven years!

Today is the seventh anniversary of the blog. Seven amazing years of learning and sharing through this unique platform. The journey so far has been really rewarding for me and I value a lot what I learned in this process. Like any journey, there are ups and downs in this journey also, some mistakes are made, and many lessons are learned. There is no doubt that this is helping me to become a better human being and I thank all readers for their help in making this possible, especially the ones who share their views in the comments section, via emails, or on other social media platforms. 

The frequency of posts has reduced, but that's a natural consequence of many other things going on side by side. I don't intend to increase the frequency of posts but do plan to continue to write once in a while as new ideas come to my mind or if I find something worth sharing on this platform. Once again a big thank you to my all readers and please keep on sharing your views.

You are the navigator of your wellness, take control of it

We all have a tendency to blame others for our problems and miseries. We conveniently chose a suitable target to blame, some of us blame it on our busy schedule for not finding any time for exercise, some blame it on stress from our various addictions, and some blame it on the pressure to remain connected to our addiction to social media, some to family pressure, some to the boss or job-related stuff, and the list goes on like this. Most of the time, we blame it on everything except ourselves for the problems we face, especially the problems related to our wellness. It gives us a false sense of belief that we are trying our best, but the situations and people around us are making it difficult, or there is something beyond our control that is responsible for the way we live and behave. But the truth is, we are the primary beneficiary of our wellness so we should be able to navigate it and manage it better than anyone else, and we should start from ourselves first if something is not right.

Wellness is a personal issue, others can definitely help but only the concerned person holds the key to start and restart the engine which drives it to do something and gives it a direction. Also, wellness requires some simple initial steps: healthy diet choices, regular physical activity (it doesn't have to be a gym or rigorous sports, one can choose from simple walking to competing in a marathon), a regular sleep schedule, and stress management. I agree that drastic changes introduced in our lives due to tremendous technological development have made many of these things that were part of our regular lifestyle just a few decades ago extremely challenging, but this cannot be an excuse to compromise our health and wellness. The major benefit of improving our lifestyle choices could be felt in all aspects of our day-to-day lives. The extra strength and energy that we get could be used in doing things that we enjoy, staying disease-free, and being healthy also allows us to help others if they need any help. These are just a few benefits among many which can be listed.

So, what's stopping you from taking control of your wellness? Remember, you are the prime beneficiary of your wellness, so think twice before blaming it on something else for your bad lifestyle choices. Take responsibility and contribute towards having a healthy and happy society. 

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Be aware of your personal blind spots

We are taught to be aware of the blind spot during driving lessons. In the normal course of driving, it's not easy to check what's there in the area of a blind spot, and depending on what it is, it can be really dangerous for the driver or the thing that is in the blind spot. Therefore, it is very important to make sure that we have some way to make sure that there is nothing in the blind spot area before we change our lanes or direction while driving. We try to use various techniques or different rearview mirrors to look for the vehicles and objects in the blind spot range to avoid accidents and to be safe. But we are not that careful to look for blind spots in our minds in our day-to-day lives which is equally important to avoid unnecessary clashes and terrible mistakes due to our ignorance and lack of knowledge.

Why do we need to be aware that there are blind spots when we drive our thought process? Very simple, because then only we will make some efforts to eliminate them. If we are not aware of our personal blind spots, we are not going to make any efforts to overcome this problem, and then the problem will become chronic. Ignorance or lack of knowledge can be cured by learning and acquiring knowledge. In today's era, we have so many resources available literally at our fingertips. Yes, I am talking about the world of the internet, which we can access from our phones or any stationary or mobile device connected to the internet connection. The internet has created a level field by allowing access to a variety of websites where you can learn about many things and gain useful information. One can access diverse resources to collect vast amounts of information to learn about almost anything. We can self-educate ourselves. Please spend some quality time learning about the issues that affect you, and about the things that you care about before getting into a debate with anyone. This will not only help you to get well-informed but also help the next person to have a very informative and constructive discussion. Being well-informed is also necessary for being a responsible citizen of any country. It helps to form a well-informed public opinion. So, take the first step and start by taking some positive steps in a direction to eliminate the personal blind spots of your thinking. All the very best.

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The saga of RaGa

I think most people in India know what NaMo and RaGa mean. These are the brand names of two of the most famous national political figures Narendra Modi and Rahul Gandhi. Unprecedented branding of political figures started in India with the rise of Narendra Modi. Mr. Modi and his team aggressively developed his brand just like any other product, this started during his tenure as a chief minister of Gujarat. When that strategy worked superbly, every party started doing the same thing, no one could match the fire and force of the BJP for quite some time, but all are still trying and the RaGa brand is Indian National Congress's answer to BJP's NaMo brand. 

Rahul Gandhi belongs to the Nehru-Gandhi family. There is no doubt that one of the major reasons behind where he is today is the family to which he belongs. He recognizes it, acknowledges it and I don't think there is any doubt about the role his last name played in his political existence. But dynasty is not an uncommon thing, it is prevalent in many parts of the world and India is not an exception. It is common to see dynasties in Indian politics, business, or any other field where there is a scope to have a dynasty. In the Indian film industry, some dynasties are in their third or fourth generation, big corporations are run by families where top management consistently comes from the same family, and Indian mythological stories are full of dynasties. It is difficult to ignore the presence of dynasties in various fields including business, media, film, and politics. Dynasties are present in most political parties in India, the level and positions they occupy might be different in different parties, but they are there. This all is not to justify the rule of the dynasty but to show that the Nehru-Gandhi family is not the only dynasty in India, but it is the most famous one. I think Rahul got into politics out of compulsion rather than his own choice. His father, Late Rajiv Gandhi also got dragged into politics after the untimely death of his brother Sanjay and then the death of his mother Mrs. Indira Gandhi. Somehow the Indian National Congress feels the perpetual need to have someone from the Nehru-Gandhi family at the helm. Somehow the party and its workers feel safe and secure under their leadership. Many senior leaders acknowledge this thing and they feel it keeps the party united. This reasoning never made any sense to me, but this is what it is. 

Rahul didn't have a conventional upbringing, his uncle, grandmother, and father all died unnatural deaths. Two of them (grandma and father) were assassinated brutally by terrorists. He was very young when his grandma and father were assassinated. His mother was forced to enter politics and then he had to follow her. In the beginning, he was not even considered as a viable option. He was visibly uncomfortable during his political appearances. Congress party suffered humiliating loss after loss at the hands of BJP and other parties, and Rahul was projected as one of the reasons for these debacles. He was attacked for who he was (a Gandhi dynast), he was ridiculed as "Pappu," his lack of stage confidence, and fumbles during interviews were highlighted, his comments were edited so that they sounded utterly stupid, and eventually it was unimaginable for people to even compare Modi and Rahul. But, somehow he survived all these attacks from outside. The main reason was that no one within his party asked for his resignation due to all those failures. This is the advantage one gets when your position within the party is secure. There was absolutely no challenge to his position within his own party. He became president of the Congress party even though the party was not performing well in election after election. Recent victories in some state elections might justify his promotion and may turn his party's fortunes in another direction, and people might see him now as a national leader who can challenge Mr. Modi. But, this is too early to predict any such thing, and Rahul has a lot to prove before he can present himself as a serious contender for the prime minister's position. Actually, the BJP helped him a lot by constantly attacking him and ridiculing him, they always kept him relevant for some reason, they used him as a punching bag and it seems that the punching bag punched them back really bad. In the same way, the Congress party helped Mr. Modi to gain prominence on the national stage by attacking him relentlessly. I am not judging Rahul's political acumen and capabilities, he needs more time to prove himself. I was purely drawn to his story because of his unique background and his roller-coaster political journey. As I already mentioned there is no doubt that he got many privileges and advantages just because he was born in a particular family, but for the same reason, his life took many unexpected turns and presented him with unique challenges. It will be interesting to see his future progression. 

I had very high expectations from Mr. Modi's government. After all, the BJP secured a single-party majority under his leadership and this government had a golden opportunity to introduce some reforms which only a single-party majority government could implement in a country like India. However, instead of focusing on that, he focused all his attention on conquering all states of India. Let's see how RaGa compares to NaMo as far as delivering reformative governance is concerned. I am happy to see that at least Rahul is not talking about eliminating BJP from India. The presence of strong opposition is necessary for any democracy to be vibrant and functioning. I wish both brands RaGa and NaMo deliver what they claim, and people hold them accountable for their promises and not get blinded by their glitter and glamor. If this doesn't happen, then the same old musical chair circus will continue without much change in governance, RaGa and NaMo brands might become successful, but brand India will fail and I don't think any right-minded Indian would like to see this happen.

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Me Too - easy to mock, but difficult to understand

Sexual harassment is a serious issue. This is a widespread problem in each and every country around the world. It would be really naive to assume that it is more prevalent in developed countries where women participate more in the workforce compared to developing or undeveloped countries. Also, this problem is more prevalent than one can imagine. We underestimate it because traditionally many behaviors were not recognized as harassing, for many centuries societies around the world ignored such harassing behaviors or accepted them under some lame justifications like "boys will be boys."  Patriarchy and chauvinism not only sheltered such behavior but also legitimized it and generations were raised believing that this was a part of social male-female interaction in a male-dominated society.  Now, before anyone points it out, let me make it clear that this is not a gender-specific problem, men also get sexually harassed, but women are at the receiving end of this type of harassment in disproportionately high numbers and one can confirm this by checking the data.

When the "Me Too" movement started and many women started openly talking about the sexual harassment they faced, societies got rattled. It was totally unexpected and not a very comfortable situation for them to see the elephant in the room being addressed so openly and directly. I am sure most women knew that this problem existed but somehow we accepted it as a part of the day-to-day ordeal of being a woman. Many famous and not-so-famous people got exposed for their predatory and harassing behavior, this is how it caught the media's attention. The "Me Too" movement became viral on the internet and was in the news all over the world. Now, like any other movement, some will try to misuse it, but this problem is not unique to Me Too, that's the nature of our society. Any law or popular movement is always misused by a few people, and I don't think Me Too will be an exception. Misuse by a few people cannot be a reason to question the legitimacy of any social transformation. But the way this movement got ridiculed from its start, especially in India was not a very good sign. I was tired of reading so many messages on WhatsApp making fun of Me Too and questioning the motives of women who chose to come forward with these allegations. The messages were so many that it was not easy to ignore them, for a few weeks it seemed like it became a favorite time pass on WhatsApp, especially for men. 

First of all, it takes immense courage to share any such thing publicly knowing that nothing might come out of this except ridicule, humiliation, and character assassination. Second, the kind of publicity you get after coming out is not always desirable, one can look at the way most of the victims were treated. Would any of us like to be in that situation? And lastly, for all people who ask the question, why now? Why not when it happened? Please try to understand the vulnerability, and social and personal situation of the victim before passing any judgments. Many harassment or discrimination incidents are exposed much later than the time when they actually happen. The main reason for this is that normally the victims are suppressed and not in a position to raise their voices when they face such incidents, they fear serious repercussions for their personal and professional lives and prefer to keep quiet. Normally the victim and their harasser have disproportionately different professional standings and harassers take advantage of it. This is not a failure to report by the victim but as a society, it is our failure to provide them with an atmosphere where they feel comfortable in reporting such incidents. 

I just have one request, before being judgemental about any victim of any harassment or discrimination please try to understand their situation at the time the incident happened with them. If you can, I am sure you will be empathetic towards their plight and offer them all the support and help they need. At the same time, we must acknowledge that it is everyone's right to express their opinion, no matter what it is. No one should be penalized just for expressing their opinion no matter how offensive we might feel that opinion is. It is important to offer criticism whenever we see anyone misusing any movement or law, this is necessary to keep the legitimacy of such social movements intact. Mocking any social movement like Me Too without understanding it is very easy, the difficult part is to try to understand the intricacies of such a movement and relate to the victim's plight. The choice is always ours.

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