Difficulty of getting out of abusive relationships

Whenever news related to an abusive relationship becomes public, people start wondering why the person getting abused didn't quit the relationship when the abuse started. Why stay in an abusive relationship for so long? How difficult it is to understand that serial abuser is not going to change? These are the few questions asked to the victims of abuse. Maybe these questions are well intended and arise from the frustration and helplessness of seeing the victim suffer, but many times such questions are asked to question the intent of the victim. In most of these cases, a woman is the subject of abuse and some of these stories end with a tragic murder or a suicide where the woman pays with her life the cost of staying in that relationship. Why do people find it difficult to come out of abusive relationships? Is it a matter of choice, social conditioning, society's attitude, fear, or something else? Unfortunately, the answer is not that simple, it may involve any one, all, or more than the aspects mentioned here.

A few glaring problems that make it difficult to come out of an abusive relationship are financial dependence and patriarchal culture. In most households, even today, it is the woman who has to make compromises with their career for the sake of the family. Many women find it difficult to re-enter the job market after taking breaks to fulfill family responsibilities, most of the time these responsibilities are related to parenting. This makes them dependent on their partners for financial stability and their partners take full advantage of this dependency. Where will you go and how will you survive alone are the two questions asked to the victims of abuse if they are financially dependent on the abuser. This is not an easy question to answer. Not everyone is educated about the legal process of divorce and their rights under family law. Even in the legal process, the more financially resourceful party tries to game the system and play every trick to pay the fair share to the other party. Many abusers manipulate their victims by taking advantage of the victim's dependency and vulnerability.

Another reason is the patriarchal culture, where a single woman is forced to feel insecure and targeted as a vulnerable target. This situation is changing in some developed countries but in many countries even today it is not easy to live as a single woman. This forces many women to tolerate their abusive partner. Many of them feel that it is better to tolerate a known abuser rather than deal with a new one every single day. Even the families of many victims advise them not to quit such relationships and try to adjust and this advice to adjust is mostly offered to the victim. Many times victims are advised that having a child will resolve the relationship troubles, or in the beginning things are a little rocky and they will settle as time passes, these are other reasons why people get stuck in such relationships. This is a shameful situation, but it is a reality in many places around the world. 

Whenever abuse victims fail to challenge abusers or come out of an abusive relationship we as a society need to introspect. Yes, whether to quit or take some other corrective action is the victim's choice, but do we make it easy for them to make this choice, in some cases, do we even offer them this choice? Why can't we offer a safe environment where these victims can raise their voices without being worried about the repercussions? Why can't we make these victims feel confident that society will stand behind them if they come out and expose their abuser? Why can't we stop questioning the intent of the victim rather than making sure of their safety and mental well-being? Until we take such steps we are not going to make it easy for victims of abusive relationships to come out of those relationships. It is not just the abuser, but we as a society are also equally responsible for making it difficult to quit abusive relationships. Whenever you see such situations please try to offer as much help as you can, many times, offering moral support can build confidence to take corrective actions. Let's make it easier for abuse victims to make the choice to end the abuse, as a civilized society we can at least do this much.   

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

Find your own Everest and try to conquer it

Everest summit is a challenging expedition for anyone and under any known standards, it's not only dangerous, but also financially, mentally, and physically very demanding process. Everyone can't dream of attempting this adventure, one needs proper training and expertise to try this, and even after this, there is no guarantee of success. This post is not about know-how about how to climb Everest successfully, but it is about the fact that we all face some challenges in our lives that are as difficult and challenging for us individually. Sometimes these challenges are so tough that metaphorically we can compare them with the Everest summit.

Is this comparison fair? I think it is. Everyone has their own Everest to climb. It doesn't have to be the actual Mount Everest for everyone, for many of us, there could be challenges that are as difficult as climbing the actual Mount Everest. I call this our personal Everest challenge. For someone, it could be learning how to speak English. or someone, it could be how to drive. For someone, it could be to switch professions or change jobs. For someone, it could be to fight discrimination or some other social challenge. Depending on the stage of our life and our individual characteristics and circumstances things can be incredibly challenging to achieve. My advice is, to find your own Everest and try to conquer it. It will take a lot of training, hard work, determination, and persistence, success may not be guaranteed, but that rewarding journey is worth all the effort. If you manage to finish the task, don't forget to celebrate the achievement, and cherish the success. It is important to enjoy the journey as well as celebrate achievements. We often undermine our own struggles and triumphs. Not everyone wins the Olympic Gold, no doubt, that's a great achievement, but so is overcoming some individual hardship and conquering something that was considered unachievable for us. Also, remember that each individual's Everest is different. Someone can speak English or Spanish easily doesn't mean it's easy for everyone. For someone it could be a dream of their life to master that language, for them, that's their Everest, the ultimate goal to achieve. For someone, it might be how to drive, for someone it might be how to fight against some disability. Find your challenge and pursue it, give it your blood, sweat, and tears, and then see how it feels when you achieve it. All the very best with your personal Everest challenge.

Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic. 

The difficulty of being GOOD.

The Difficulty of Being Good is the title of a book by Gurcharan Das. It is a philosophical book that discusses various moral issues humans face with reference to the characters from Mahabharat. I read this book a few years back and found it very engaging. The topic of the difficulty of being good, came to my mind while chatting with one of my friends on the issue of gender discrimination which is present in every religion. I was trying to convey the point that, we all have our own biases and prejudices, many times we don't even realize that, but we all need to introspect and analyze our own thinking to get rid of these things, and it is a very difficult process. It is not that easy to be good at all times. We all speak passionately about the issues or problems that we care about. We all speak in favor of some political figure or celebrity who we love, and against some who we don't like. However, many of us change our stance instantly if we come across the views from the other side. We are normally not that welcoming of the criticism directed toward people we love and we are not that welcoming of the alternate views about the issues about which we care. I am not saying that we need to agree with all those things that opponents say, but many of us get mad to see that people can even think like that. One ideal example is when Hilary supporters can't understand how anyone can support Mr. Trump and Trump supporters can't tolerate the fact that people are supporting Mrs. Clinton.  This is one simple example to demonstrate the point that I am trying to make, the difficulty of understanding the other side's point of view.

By "good" I don't mean nice or not mean or tolerant. I am using this term for being impartial or reasonable or someone who can recognize the differences and still try to look for commonality. I mean someone who can agree to disagree, someone who can see and appreciate that every issue can have two sides and sometimes there is no right or wrong. Someone who can appreciate the ambiguity and uncertainty of life. Someone who can understand the point of view of an atheist as well as a theist. I understand that I am asking for an ideal behavior, but we don't want to give this title of "good person" for doing trivial things, right? There should be some challenges associated with reaching the point where we can call ourselves "a good person."

It is not that easy to be an unbiased person and criticize or praise everything objectively. It's not easy not to belong to any group. If we don't belong to any group, we don't get protection from any camp. When we don't belong to any herd where there are people who think like us and agree with us without any arguments and disagreements, this is not a very comfortable situation to be in. To avoid this discomfort and insecurity, we choose our sides, we either love or hate some political leader, or we get associated with a certain political party. We try to show that our religion or country is the best in the world and others are not that good. The drawbacks of our own religion are trivial, but other religions have terrible shortcomings. We expect others not to offend us, but we should be allowed to say whatever we want. When in a majority, we think that the minority should respect the majority's views and behave accordingly (a beef ban in India is an ideal example of this), but the same if group when in a minority, expects that their ideas and values should be protected and respected by the majority. I observed this last behavior among many Indians living in the USA. Many Indian Americans supported overwhelmingly Mr. Modi and his call for nationalism and majoritarianism during the last general elections of India but got very apprehensive about Mr. Trump when he said very similar things. These people feared that because of their minority status in the US, they might come under attack or suffer some angry reactions from the majority, but the same group was totally dismissive of similar fears expressed by the minorities of India. I am not trying to say that after Mr. Modi's victory in India minority is in a very perilous state or they are suffering at the hands of the majority, but his tone during the election campaign was not that different than Mr. Trump's tone, and I can see the different response by the same group of people, just because of their different strength in that society.

The desire to be good is very common and natural, but the willingness to make conscious efforts to become good is not that common. We all want to be good without making efforts to become good, and that is why it is very difficult to be good. It is tough, but we all can try to achieve it. I hope readers of this blog will try their best to be a "good person." We need more good people in this world, I don't think anyone will disagree with this statement. Let's first recognize the difficulty of being good and then try to overcome those very sincerely. I am trying my best, are you?

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]