Representation matters, without that gender equality is a distant dream

Gender equality is still a hot topic, many people have written about it and many more will write. I have also written extensively about the issue of gender quality. Even after all the progress and barrier-breaking, gender equality is a distant dream. I know, many men and maybe women may disagree with me and argue that there is already gender equality as women are free to do whatever they want in many societies, especially in developed countries like the USA. However, this is far from reality. People who make this argument have no idea about the prejudices and challenges women need to face every day and at every step of their life for things that are granted to men just because of their gender. For example, women still get harassed in public places; they still need to be conscious about the way they dress as many judge their character based on the dress they wear; there are specific beauty standards set for women; they need to perform better than men just to show that they deserve that job; and in most households even when both partners work, it is the woman who is expected to cook and bear childcare related workload. I have cited just a few most common challenges faced by women, the list can grow depending on which country, religion, and socio-economic background they come from. All these hurdles that hinder their path make their journey incredibly difficult and unpredictable. This is why I have tremendous respect for all women who fight against all these odds and still chase their professional and personal goals. Women are still fighting for representation forget about gender equality, and that's still a distant dream. Representation matters. It not only provides opportunities but also provides hope for all those who are struggling and trying to maneuver through different obstacles. One can look at the data and see that women are missing from many key domains of decision-making. This needs to change. Be it by affirmative action, reservation, or by any other means, this needs to change. Also, there is nothing against men in the process of improving women's representation, men need to work on improving their representation in all domains where women were forced to cordon themselves. One of the problems why we are still struggling is that people who have no clue about the real difficulties faced by women are sitting in policy development. These people are either ignorant or full of prejudices and they propose solutions or policies that hardly produce any desired results. We aimed for gender equality but we are still struggling with representation, gender equality is not possible without proper representation. Unless we improve women's representation all our talk about gender equality is just a talk, nothing else. Therefore, focus on representation first, once we reach there, we will work towards equality. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com 

Society's endless desire to control women's rights

It is true that we have come a long way as far as women's rights are concerned. Just a few decades ago, women did not have the right to vote, own property, sign a contract, or right to ancestral property. However, this does not mean society's desire to control women and their rights has ended or eroded, we see glimpses of this in various incidents around the world. Whether it is commenting on their dress, sexual behavior, right to choose a career over family, their reproductive rights, or in some countries their right to choose a spouse (for example, love jihad laws in India), all this is targetted towards women and their rights to make independent choices about various aspects of their life. The question is why women's rights are endlessly targeted? Why do societies fear independent and self-sufficient women? 

The answer is simple, society, no matter whether developed, developing, or undeveloped, is not yet used to living with independent and strong-minded women. Societies, especially, men are worried that if they lose control over women they may become a disposable entity and that's why there are efforts to control women's rights using various political and social methods. Women's reproductive rights are a very good example of this. A man has no inhibition to use contraceptives and decide whether he wants to become a father or not. The same rights are not offered to a woman. In many places, even if a woman becomes pregnant due to rape or incest, or even if their life is in danger they cannot terminate the pregnancy. This means, society literally forces a woman to give birth to a child that she doesn't want to have. Imagine the consequences of this for that mother and that child, they both are subjected to live in a relationship that both didn't choose. Also, society only takes interest in this until the child is born, the same society that forced women to give birth by banning abortion or birth control does not show any interest in taking care of that child once it is out of that woman's womb. One would expect that when some society claims to care about unborn fetuses so much it will create a great facility to take care of unwanted children born out of forced pregnancies. Such a society will provide necessary facilities such as childcare, food, shelter, and education until such children become independent. But no, they just force a woman to produce that child and leave both of them on their own, such is their interest in the welfare of that mother and child. They just want to control the reproductive rights of women, they have zero interest in the welfare of any woman with an unwanted pregnancy or any child born from such pregnancy. The words "pro-life" and "pro-choice" are just marketing tag lines, there is nothing pro in abortion. Reproductive rights including abortion is a woman's right to choose whether she wants to become a mother or not, period. 

Abortion is not an easy choice for any woman, but it is their right to make that choice. Sperms and eggs both have the probability to develop into humans under the right conditions and so is the embryo, no one is banned from disposing of their sperm or egg, so what a big deal with an embryo. Who is the state to control women's bodies and reproduction? Every woman should have exclusive rights over her own body and her reproductive rights. Just because nature has given women the ability to become pregnant society does not get the right to control their body and reproduction. Society needs to let go of the endless desire to control women. Women must be treated as humans and not just reproductive machines, not infringing on their reproductive rights is a step in that direction. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

©Vinay Thakur,  Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com  

Misogyny is the product of religion

Religion is one of the oldest enterprises humans are engaged in. All religions are man-made. I am purposely using the phrase "man-made," because they all are conceived by men Don't believe me, verify yourself, the easiest way to verify is to glance at some famous books from any religion and check the gender of the authors of those books. Therefore, all religions are misogynist as they are conceived through the mind of men of that era who were shaped by the misogynist society of that respective era. Even religion like Hinduism that makes tall claims about worshipping female gods and giving women higher status was and still is cruel and barbaric towards women. Claiming to worship female gods and treating women like humans and not like property are totally different things. In all countries where women are treated better compared to any point in human history, it is because of modern laws and not because of any religion. Rather, in some places where tremendous progress was made, there is a pushback on women's rights citing religious beliefs as one of the reasons. Religion is always used to curb women's rights but never to expand them.  

I know this is a sensitive issue and will ruffle many feathers. Believers of all religions will feel hurt and will argue that their religion cares about women and it is the other religions that are responsible for all mistreatment offered to women. This is an expected and age-old reaction by all religions whenever the topic of misogyny is raised. Also, worshipping or having female gods or prophets, or trying to protect women by sheltering them, or giving them higher or special status (and in return restricting their freedom) are usual lame excuses offered by all religions to laminate their real agenda of controlling women and their bodies. No religion has shown courage so far to apologize and accept their mistreatment of women, they all do offer some lame excuses or even shamelessly justify the injustice delivered to women. It is not that the history of misogyny associated with every religion baffles me but the impunity and shameless defense of that history by their believers, even today.   

Convincing women that religion is good for them is one of the greatest marketing scams of human history, there is nothing equivalent to this scam. I also must mention that product like religion is necessary for many people, it provides them some comfort and solace psychologically, and it was the only option in the era when there was no other help available for any mental health-related issues. The availability of other resources that can calm our nerves is one of the reasons why religion is losing some ground, but it is still one of the strongest forces that control the human mind and behavior. Therefore, it is important to analyze and scrutinize all of them and force gradual changes. Many religions have mended their ways silently without accepting any wrongdoings, this is good and definitely a step in the right direction, but still not enough, they also need to acknowledge their contribution to misogyny and apologize. They can at least do this much for all the suffering and mistreatment directed toward women in the name of that religion. I hope women will take up this cause and make them accountable.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

How is your social health?

Most of us try our best to look after our physical health. Regular checkups and various diagnostic tests help us to monitor our physical health. Post Covid we are also aware of mental health issues and slowly, and really slowly society is becoming comfortable with discussing mental health-related topics. We still have a long way to go, mental health issues are pervasive and widespread but their discussion is not that common, many families and individuals still hesitate to be open about their mental health. This is why I am bringing in the topic of social health. How are we doing about our relationships? These relationships include our family and other relationships like friends and colleagues. Various research studies and data suggest that our social health contributes not only to our mental health but also to our physical health. Therefore, it is important to pay attention to our relationships and nurture them, especially the ones that matter to us.  

Most of us make the mistake of taking our relationships for granted. Just because someone loves us doesn't mean they should tolerate each and every nonsense from us. The relationship is a bilateral process, you give and you take, if one person is only taking or giving that relationship is exploitative and nonsustainable, and if it lasts long it is damaging to both, especially to the constant giver. Also, relationships help us to remain human. Humans are social animals, and being connected is one of our basic needs. This is the reason why social media has become so popular, it fulfills our need to be connected. But too much social media is counterproductive, instead of getting benefitted from increased connectivity with the outside world we start getting disconnected from our immediate surroundings. We start comparing our insides with the outsides that others share on social media. This is why I call social media a double-edged sword, it can benefit you if you use it properly, but if not, it can be damaging, and we don't even know the extent of the damage until it's too late. Also, every relationship demands and needs attention. Our attention is the single most valuable asset that we can provide in any relationship. Many of us know this but forget to practice in real life. Focusing our attention is very important if we want to be present for the person we care about. Our improved attention can improve our social health, and this in turn can improve our mental and physical health. Therefore, start working on your social health, take stock of your relationships, and review where you need to focus and which parts need work from your side. Remember, as long as they are there it is never too late to express your gratitude and love to a person you love. Spend enough time nurturing the relationships that matter to you and you will never regret it, as these are the things you will cherish and remember fondly in the long run. All the very best.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

Is it enough to be a democracy?

Recently, during the visit of Indian Prime Minister Mr. Modi, India and the USA patted each other's backs for being the largest and the oldest democracies. This was such a pathetic display of self-praise without recognizing the respective problems these democracies are facing. Just because regular elections are held and people vote doesn't make any country a true democracy. If we consider the criteria of regular elections and voting, then many countries could qualify or claim themselves as democracies, but we all know that this is not true. Yes, elections and voting are important aspects of any democracy but they are not the only aspects of it. Freedom of expression, political prosecution of opponents, uniformity of voting rights, subjugation of minorities by the majority, and transparency of the electoral process are some of the other factors that can tell whether it is a functioning democracy or just a paper democracy.

When politicians, especially elected ones, behave in an autocratic manner like kings and queens, is it a real democracy? When the economic fortune of elected politicians multiplies by orders of magnitude after their elections and no one, either the government or the people, questions this, is it a real democracy? When people vote for a bottle of liquor and some money, is it a real democracy? When the voting rights of some people are suppressed because of their social or economic status, is it a real democracy? When voters are continuously misinformed and fed with propaganda and religious fanatism, is it a real democracy? The questions are many, and the point is when some sections are systematically suppressed can we call that system a true democracy?

Agreed, with all its flaws and problems, democracy is still the best system we have. It is messy and not perfect, but this is the reason it is not a big deal to be a paper democracy, where the processes are present but the effect is autocracy. Implementing some democratic process is the minimum any country can do, and the US and India do a great job at it. Also, there are many countries that do not even have these processes, but they also don't claim to be the largest or the oldest democracies. This is why it becomes more important for any country that wants to flaunt its democratic credentials to make sure that its process is not ridden with loopholes and problems making it inefficient and undemocratic. This chest thumping can be a good public relations event or may mesmerize respective political bases, but beyond that, it does not have any meaning. FIX the broken system. It looks pathetic when leaders of two important democratic countries praise each other while their countries are ridden with problems that need their immediate attention. Optics are great for PR, but go and fix the real problems. It is not enough to be a paper democracy, make sure that every eligible person gets the right to vote and no voices are suppressed either directly or indirectly, and then, let's have a party.   

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

Since when the US is scared of opinions and facts

I was a little taken back by reading phrases like "cancel culture," or other similar related terms where a group of people tries to ban or boycott a person, organization, product, brand, or anything else due to an issue that this group of people disapproves or finds offensive. Nothing is surprising in people getting offended, hurt, or angry because of something said by someone, this has happened before, and this is happening more often and on a larger scale due to social media. What is surprising is that a country like the USA is trying to stifle freedom of expression because someone is offended or disapproves of something said by someone, that too on college campuses where such exchanges should happen frequently and in a civilized manner. Any society where the freedom of expression is stifled blocks its way toward progress. Yes, freedom of expression comes with a price, it includes the risk of getting offended or hurt, and it includes the duty to protect others' right to express themselves so that our own rights are protected. Imagine a society where only nice things that everyone agrees or feels happy about are said and heard, does anyone think such a society exists anywhere? No. It doesn't. Not even in mythological books. 

We can't agree on everything all the time. Also, if we all agree on everything all the time we won't need the fundamental right of freedom of expression, we need this right only when something offensive or derogatory is said, when someone disagrees and needs legal protection to express that disagreement without being intimidated by the government or any other public entity. The USA has done a great job so far in protecting this right and this is also one of the reasons for its progress. This is why it is concerning when a country like the US behaves in a way as if it is scared of unpopular opinions or facts that do not validate some popular perceptions. This behavior of stifling freedom of expression is happening from both sides of the political spectrum, maybe one is doing more than the other, but supporters of both the major parties in the US are behaving as if the other has no right to express their opinions. This phenomenon is concerning for someone like me who has been impressed by the freedom of expression offered in the US. In fact, this is the major aspect that made me fall in love with this country. There are many other aspects that one can admire about the US but freedom of expression is the top one in my list. Also, don't interpret my statement to mean that there is nothing to criticize about the US. As there are many aspects to admire, there is ample opportunity for growth and many aspects that could be and should be criticized, and this is why the right to freedom of expression needs to be protected at every level, especially in colleges and universities. 

So, if you are an American and want to preserve and capitalize on the progress made by this country, then don't let your own biases and prejudice come in the way of limiting the right of freedom of expression of your opponents. As we have the right to say things we want, our opponents also have the same right, nothing more, and nothing less. Yes, it will be great if people don't say offensive stuff, but they do. Yes, it will be great, if people don't behave like jerks, morons, or bigots, but they do. Yes, it will be great if our opponents behave and don't say nasty things about us, but they do. And as long as all these things are within the allowed legal boundaries they should be protected no matter who is doing or why are they doing it. Remember, any civilized society is not scared of opinions and facts no matter how unpleasant or offensive they are, and a strong country is not offended by criticism directed towards it, rather, it uses these things to become a better and stronger country. I am sure irrespective of their political affiliations all Americans want their country to be a better and stronger country.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com 

Ideas are ineffective without skills to use them

The Internet and social media platforms have provided an excellent platform to express and propagate different thoughts and ideas. There are many great ideas and concepts introduced by people from different backgrounds. These ideas are mainly propagated through books, talks, social media posts, or blogs. Most of these ideas have great potential to influence our lives in a positive way. This is why they get attention and recognition from a wide audience pool. Many of these concepts are very well received and people are intrigued to learn about them, but unfortunately, things don't proceed beyond this point. 

I am no different, I also get impressed by many talks and books by many thinkers. However, even though these concepts are appealing and sound useful, in most cases, there needs to be some practical guidance on how to use them effectively in our day-to-day life. Without any demonstrated public use people find these ideas and concepts interesting but fail to use them in their real life. The ideas get popular, people introducing them become popular, and we get some new influencers, but hardly anything changes at the workplace, in homes, or in society. Many of these potentially useful ideas (or social and personal tools) remain just ideas that are discussed and debated, but not practiced, and this happens not because people don't want to use or practice them, they just don't know how to do it. That is, without the proper skills to use these ideas, they remain only interesting and appealing theoretical concepts without much practical use. The only positive gain from this process is that the innovators of these concepts get popular they get invitations to deliver talks as these talks motivate people, but beyond that nothing much changes. These useful tools remain in their infancy forever or just remain interesting topics for debates and discussions.

So, how can we change this so that all these ideas or tools are effectively used for the betterment of our personal and social lives? One way is to learn the skills that are needed to practice and implement these new ideas. For example, just saying vulnerability is a strength and not a weakness is not enough, people clap and continue judging anyone showing their vulnerable side. We need to not only appreciate these new ideas but also seriously practice or encourage anyone who is trying to practice them, no matter how uncomfortable or storage we feel in the beginning. As a matter of fact, we are going to feel uncomfortable in the beginning as some of these concepts are completely alien to our society. There is resistance to even a small change that challenges the status quo, imagine the reaction to something radical and new. Therefore, it becomes the responsibility of all who appreciate or introduce these ideas to make sure that they and all others who consult with them are equipped with the required skills to use these ideas. Once again taking the example of vulnerability, it becomes our responsibility to accept and respect when someone displays or shares their vulnerability with us. It is difficult not to judge, but we need to learn the new skill of not judging if we want to change the existing system that is a legacy of patriarchy, misogyny, and racism. Without being equipped with new skills we cannot defeat old social evils that have robust and well-functioning mechanisms to propagate exploitory culture. So, don't just be a cheerleader for new ideas be a practitioner and the agent for the change you want, be that "someone" you always wanted should initiate the change, and be the listener as well as a doer. All the very best.   

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

©Vinay Thakur,  Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com  

Good colleges or just elite colleges?

If you ask anyone for a list of good colleges or universities, you can predict what will be on their list. Most lists include colleges featuring in the popular top-ranking systems used in various regions and most of these colleges will have extremely low acceptance rates, less than 10%, some even less than 5%, that is, these institutions reject most students that apply to them. At the same time, there are colleges that accept most people who apply to them. Recently I heard a TED talk by Cecilia M. Orphan, that was about what makes a good college. She made a very excellent point that got me thinking, why colleges reject most of the students who apply to them are considered good colleges, and colleges that accept most of the students, give the opportunity to students to get a college education that none of these so-called good colleges offer, are not included in the list of good colleges of many people. She rightly flags our skewed perception. The perception we all have developed through relentless advertising and deeply flawed college ranking systems. 

Why do we think that colleges that only select top-ranked students, the students that can go anywhere and excel or students who have resources and privilege to attend any college are considered good colleges; but colleges that give opportunities to all students that may not get an opportunity to attend a college or get a college degree unless admitted to that state or regional state university are not in the list of good colleges? Honestly, in the US, I fell in love with every educational institute I visited, the infrastructure and campus just blew me away, since then I had a dream to attend a US educational institution as a student and I fulfilled that dream when I attended UConn Law School for the JD program. Celilia's talk raises another great point about already super-rich institutions getting more grants and growing their endowments in the billions of dollars, whereas other colleges provide educational opportunities to many more deserving students struggling to balance their budgets. Most donations and grants flow to institutions that already have enough money to support their programs, this inequality gets worse over time and the result is rich colleges getting richer whereas colleges with less money keep on struggling for funds. Both, raise tuition, but the tuition raised by colleges that need funds to balance their budgets affects more students and creates a bigger uproar compared to tuition raised by rich colleges. 

The point of this post is not to say that colleges that consistently feature on top in various college ranking systems are not good. They are good institutions and there are good reasons why they score high in most ranking systems, but many more colleges are doing a much more difficult job and serving a much wider student community that needs the same amount of recognition and support. Craving for a luxury brand is not a bad thing. Even in education, there are luxury brands, and parents and students do crave these brands and are willing to do whatever it takes to get into these branded institutions. However, there are many other brands that are more inclusive and diverse that need to be recognized for what they do best, which is to provide educational opportunities to many underprivileged and struggling students who may have to drop out without this opportunity. Public universities, regional public schools, and many small colleges are doing this great work, they are serving much larger and more diverse communities and as a society, we need to appreciate and value this. We all can show this appreciation by supporting them financially, by giving money where it's needed most and can have a wider effect. Let's redefine what makes a good college.      

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

©Vinay Thakur,  Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com   

Patriarchy and motherhood

"This feminism has really messed up our traditions and culture, many women are avoiding being mothers," one of my friends said with a tinge of remorse in his voice. He knew that I am a proud feminist and was trying to score a point. 

"Women are not avoiding anything, they are choosing whether they want to become a mother and if they want when to become mothers, motherhood is neither an obligation nor an imposed burden for many feminist women, and I think that's good for both, men and women," was my reply. This didn't make my friend happy as he insisted every woman has a fundamental duty towards her family to bear at least one child, he just couldn't fathom a scenario where a woman could have a choice of rejecting motherhood, this was an unthinkable aspect to him. He is not alone who think like this, many men as well as women think that motherhood is an inherent part of being a woman, such is the stronghold of patriarchy over our thinking.

Now, you may ask, "what's the relationship between patriarchy and motherhood?" There shouldn't be any, right? But there is, patriarchy has glorified motherhood so much to make women feel that without motherhood they are incomplete. This is one of the greatest scams successfully pulled off by the patriarchy. When I pointed out this, my friend strongly disagreed and recited the usual stuff related to the glorification of motherhood. However, he did not have any answers to why motherhood defines women, but why fatherhood is not necessary to define any man. There are many men from history who left their wives, and kids, for some other pursuit and still considered great, but one can hardly find similar examples of women. No society or culture dares to glorify a woman who abandons her kids and family and goes in search of something else. Her act of abandonment of her family and kids will overshadow everything else, however, men are immune from such treatment. 

Most cultures around the world still consider motherhood an essential element of being a woman, but fortunately, this is changing fast. Thanks to contraceptives, many women voluntarily chose their time to be a mother, and many women chose not to be a mother. In places where access to contraceptives is limited for whatever reason motherhood is imposed on women against their will. Whether they choose to be a mother or not, they all are women. Glorification of motherhood is a well-planned strategy to trap women in childbearing and childcare so that they remain engaged in other household work. To make this entrapment permanent and secure concepts like divinity, the superiority of a mother's love compared to a father's love, and how motherhood makes a woman complete were introduced. This also added a guilt factor. Any woman not following this well-guarded and exploitative path was riddled with impending guilt and shame for not fulfilling her duties as a woman. These tactics have worked stupendously so far, many women are the flag bearers of the idea that a woman is not complete unless she becomes a mother. Motherhood has to be a matter of choice, without choice, it becomes a burden as it is imposed and not by choice. 

In reality, motherhood is purely a biological incident. Like every other species we need to reproduce so that we don't become extinct, motherhood and fatherhood both result from this reproduction process. Nature has given one of the genders in every species the ability to be a host for the initial phase of the reproductive cycle. However, now with the availability of modern technology, the entire process of reproduction, starting from fertilization (union of an egg and sperm) to the development of a deliverable baby can be carried out in a lab, without the need for any host. This will become a reality sooner or later once society gets over its moral guilt about outsourcing child production. Yes, society will achieve a comfort level where kids can be produced outside the human body, same the way it did to outsource childcare. The glorification of motherhood was mainly to instill the feeling of guilt in women so that they don't complain about the imposed motherhood. Even today, if any woman decides not to have a child to advance their career or goes back to work by her own choice immediately after delivering their baby, she is shamed and made feel guilty whereas men are totally immune from such attacks. 

One may expect that after all this imposition and hard work, the woman gets all the credit, and the child at least carries her name and legacy. No, never. The child still bears only the father's name, even father dies before the birth of the child or had zero contribution to upbringing, the child still bears the father's identity, not the mother's, this is the masterstroke by patriarchy, making women bear all the pain and do all hard work but give the product of all this man's label. So, women do all the hard work, including putting their lives at risk (many women used to die and still die during childbirth), and in return, they only get a hollow glorification, the man gets to attach his name just for being a man. This is also why women's sexual freedom was heavily guarded whereas men were free to have multiple relationships or marriages. Before DNA testing, there was no way for men to confirm that the child from their relationship or marriage was their genetic child. Women didn't need any proof to confirm their genetic link to their baby as they literally produced that baby, but the men had no other way to confirm this without prohibiting other sexual intercourse until the initiation of the pregnancy. This is how the concept of purity and sanctity of the female body arose, just to prohibit females from engaging in the same type of sexual behavior that men freely engaged in. Even today, in many cultures, it is abuse to say that someone has multiple fathers, but the other way (having multiple mothers) is perfectly okay. 

Patriarchy affects both, men and women, but the way it affects women is very complex. Many traditions that look harmless and fun are designed to keep women in only certain roles and stunt their personal and professional growth so that many areas exclusively belong to men. Guilt and shame are often used to attack women who dare to break these traditional boundaries imposed on them. The sooner women realize this better it is for them. Being a parent is a choice, parents share the joy and burden of bringing a child into this world. Putting the entire onus of love and tenderness on women is unfair and brutal. Mother or father, any parent can provide childcare, just because of one's gender no one should be forced to bear a child or take care of a child, or compromise their professional ambitions, the day we realize this we move one step closer to gender equality. Until then, keep supporting feminism, because that's the best mechanism we have currently to counter all the nonsense against women.         

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

©Vinay Thakur,  Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com  

25 years of togetherness

Today is the 25th anniversary of our marriage. Reena and I got married on 31st May 1998. These 25 years of togetherness have been full of love, excitement, and many other things. I could not have asked for a better companion than Reena for this journey. This journey took us to places that none of us imagined we will go and threw a myriad of challenges that we faced together. She has not only been a committed wife, but also a friend, a critic, and a cheerleader for me. I don't know if we are made for each other, but definitely, we made each other.  

Just to be clear, it was not a fairy tale like they show in movies or we read in books. Ours was not love at first sight or any other love story where we have to struggle and fight with the system or with our families to get married. Ours was an arranged marriage. Even though it could be categorized as an arranged marriage, it was missing some essential ingredients of a typical arranged marriage. Reena's parents and my parents belonged to the same state, Uttar Pradesh (UP), hence my parents wanted to find a bride from UP even after knowing that none of their kids belonged to UP and share any social and cultural aspects of that state. So, I and Reena did not speak the same language, did not grow up in the same cultural and social settings, and did not share the same values. Normally, in a typical arranged marriage bride and groom share these common socio-cultural aspects, but we didn't. As expected, our start was not as smooth as anyone could have expected due to all these differences. Ours was not love at first sight, but it was love after many sights. But once the love entered it never left or got less, rather, it grew year by year and we are now in our 25th year of togetherness.

We tested and challenged each other on many fronts, before realizing that we really complement each other and then the ride together has been a journey full of excitement and joy. Of course, there were challenges and there will be more to come, but we know for sure that we have each other to face them. The key to our togetherness was transparency and trust. We are so different than each other that we cannot live together without this trust and transparency. We are very different, even after 25 years, each one of us has parts of our lives where the other is not required, and we respect that. We know our differences and don't try to change each other. Husband and wife are not a single entity, they are two different individuals who agree and decide to live together, there is no need for one to dissolve in another to make this relationship a success. This is a simple philosophy that we follow and it has been working great so far. I hope people who want to be in a relationship realize the importance of protecting each other's individuality and personal space. If you don't respect these things about your partner, you don't respect that person, and without respect, there is no love. Marriages can survive without love, marriage is just a legal contract nothing more without love and respect. But if you want marriage to be something more than a legal contract, something more than a way to have a display for society, there needs to be mutual respect, trust, and transparency, I am glad that we managed to achieve that. Most marriages come with patriarchal conditioning where the husband has an upper hand and ours was no different. It took a lot of work from both of us to negate this burden and create our own dynamics that had no precedence in our family or culture, but I am glad that we did that and never followed the status quo. I thank Reena for accepting this challenge and making this work, I know it was not easy for her, but she not only accepted the challenge but added new dimensions to it. The journey continues and I am looking forward to our next phase with equal excitement and awe.   

Happy anniversary Reena, and thank you for allowing me to be me.

Thank you for reading and please share your story of togetherness with others, it may inspire more such stories. 

©Vinay Thakur,  Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com