Eight years

On the 5th of this month was the eighth anniversary of this blog. Eight amazing years of learning and sharing through this amazing platform. The journey so far has been really rewarding for me and I value a lot what I learned in this process. The last four years were extremely busy, especially due to managing my law school studies and a full-time job. Like any journey, there are ups and downs in this journey, some mistakes made, and many lessons learned. There is no doubt that this is helping me to become a better human being and I thank all readers for their help in making this possible, especially the ones who share their views in the comments section, via emails, or on other social media platforms where I share the contents of the blog. The frequency of posts might go up depending on how much time I can devote to the blog once I finish law school.

Once again a big thank you to my all readers and please keep on sharing your views.

My mom and I

My mom, I call her mummy, and I share a unique bond. It's the same and at the same time different than any other mother-son relationship. I am her first child, so, I got an edge over my other two brothers because I got an early start.😉 My mom and I share a unique bond, it's hard to describe. As a person, we are poles apart, there are very few things common between us. Whatever characteristics and features I received from her genetically are there, but apart from that, we are completely different, still very close. I oppose most of her beliefs and many times, criticize them in the harshest possible words, but strongly support her right to practice them. She wonders why I am like this and I also wonder the same about her. This all sounds complicated, but it's not.

There is one thing for which I really give her credit and thank her, she never forced me to do anything against my wishes. This might sound an obvious thing to many, but it's a big deal and I don't know how did she manage to resist the pressure of making your kid follow all your religious and cultural values. I can't thank her enough for doing this, I am sure she must have regretted it whenever I revolted against most of the so-called traditions and rituals, but for me, this was the best thing that she did. This is still quite common in most societies, parents want their kids to inculcate all their values, religious, social, political, personal, and even professional. It was especially prevalent in the neighborhood where I grew up, most kids even ended up doing the same or similar job that their parents did. Like many, I also had a roller coaster teenage and college years. I wondered about things around me, had a lot of unanswered questions, and had no clue where I was heading in my life. My mom supported me, she didn't know what was going on, what did MSc or Ph.D. meant, or why my son was not doing a "normal" job like others, but she stood behind most of my choices. She also didn't force me to get married early which was again a common tradition in the community back then. I am sure all this was not easy for her, but she did it and it worked in my favor.

Mom lost her dad when she was a few months old, and this has created a deep impact on her mind. She has seen struggles of my grandmom as a single mom, and always gets emotional while talking about her. She had a comfortable childhood as her uncle and grandparents took care of her in the absence of her dad. She could only manage to complete her middle school at most as educating girls was not a priority back then. She got married at a very young age, she was around 13 or 14 years young. She migrated to Pune, a city in the Indian state of Maharashtra after marrying my dad. When she arrived in Pune she didn't know a single word of Marathi, it was very tough for her to adjust to this new place with a new culture and totally alien language. I still remember an incident about which told me when she got lost one evening while returning from an errand back to the rented room and couldn't ask anyone for directions as she didn't know the address as well as the local language. It seems one of my dad's friends found her stranded and brought her back to the room, she was petrified by this. She also went through all the struggles and troubles that a migrant family goes through while trying to establish themselves in a new place. Lack of proper education didn't make it easy for her, life was emotionally and physically challenging for her during her initial years in Pune. I still remember the days when she, I, and my younger brother Pankaj used to carry buckets of water every day from a water tanker that used to supply water as our neighborhood did not have access to tap water. 

Mom is overprotective of me. Maybe her own childhood and experiences made her so overprotective about her kids. Since my childhood, she never allowed me to travel alone, the first time I traveled alone in my life was when I took my flight to come to the US. She is very scared of rivers and oceans, the main reason is that my maternal grandpa died in a boat accident in the river Ganga. One can imagine her situation when Pankaj, my younger brother, decided to join a merchant navy. Like many mothers, she still worries about me and offers many suggestions that I don't follow, but she offers them anyway. We also had many arguments and disagreements, some serious ones, but none of those managed to create any personal rift between us that could not be bridged. My concept of respecting one's parents doesn't mean blindly obeying them, following their every order like an obedient son, I can't do this. I am not an obedient son, rather, I am the disobedient one. I am the one who refused to follow the orders and was absent from ritualistic functions because I didn't agree with those rituals. Defied all religious dietary restrictions. But this did not matter as far as my personal bond with my parents was concerned. Actually, over the years, I managed to evolve my relationship with both of my parents in such a way that I treat them more like friends than parents. This was the best way for a rebellious son to preserve the bond with his parents and maintain love and respect without being burdened with the expectation of obeying them. Like friends do, I make fun of them, discuss various things, criticize their views, advise them on their personal issues, and have a great time whenever I meet them personally. This is working great so far. I know that there are a few things that I may never be able to change about my mom, but I will keep on trying. I know that she will be doing the same thing from her side. This will keep both of us busy and can be one of the reasons to keep on persuading each other. Sometimes, 

With my kids, I find myself in a strange situation where I have to explain some of my mom's beliefs to them. They find themselves more distanced from these beliefs than me. It's a tough job, but it's also necessary, someone needs to explain why she has those beliefs. Mom's contribution towards my upbringing is undeniable, I am a witness to some of her struggles and I thank her for not quitting or succumbing to the pressure of society. But she knows this won't stop me from confronting her and this is the beauty of our relationship. I am grateful to her but not burdened by her sacrifices. I am her son, not a devotee, and I think she knows this very well. So, mummy, thank you for everything 🙏 and as always I love you and value what you did for me, and you know that I am not sorry about the many arguments we had so far and might have in the future.😀 Stay happy and stay well. 

Thanks for reading and please share your story about the relationship with your mom. 

When everything is looked through a political prism

What happens when everything you say, write or do is looked through a political prism even though you didn't intend it to be political? I see this happening increasingly, especially on social media platforms like Facebook, Twitter, and WhatsApp. No matter what you post, whether it's a joke, comment, news, or an opinion, people either support or criticize it based on their political leanings, and not only that, they also link you to a particular political ideology or party based on the tone of the post. For many, this is not a problem as most people associate themselves with a certain political leader, party, or ideology. However, for someone like me who does not find any political party suitable to pledge my allegiance, this is a very annoying situation. When I don't intend any political connotation in my posts and people start dragging petty politics into it, it just destroys the intent behind that post. This made me be very blunt and confrontational while dealing with such comments (which I am, but only during in-person discussions not on social media). Now, whenever I see that people are showing islamophobia, I call them and request to say openly that they hate Muslims rather than galvanizing their words and implying something hateful. I flag the sexiest jokes and comments. To my surprise, these things are so common and rampant that I find myself incapable of answering every comment or flagging every sexiest joke, but still, I try my best. 

I will give one example of how things get lose their importance or get twisted when they are looked through a political frame all the time. Suppose, I post a link commenting about a heinous rape incident, depending on the religion or caste or race of the accused, which people guess quickly based on their names, people start commenting. They only comment about the religion of those people than discussing the problem of rape culture in that society. The discussion drags towards political mudslinging and blaming that particular community or political party. It is true that if we want we can link everything going on in our lives with politics because theoretically, it can influence every aspect of our lives. I never imagined that people will become so politically polarized that they start condemning or justifying murders, lynchings, rapes, riots, and wars only based on their political ideologies. This is not just happening in bipartisan political systems like the US, but it's happening even more in multipartisan systems like India. I never imagined that people would either love or hate their political leaders and that they would either justify everything or condemn everything they did, and both of these scenarios are equally deplorable. My problem is that I receive crossfire from every political supporter as I can find some serious flaws in some of their policies and actions. I also strongly feel that just because you voted for a certain political party you don't have to justify each and every action. Similarly, just because the party which you voted for lost an election you don't have to criticize each and every action of the current ruling party. Strong opposition is needed, but it should be effective and issue-based, opposing just for the sake of opposing is a meaningless endeavor to pursue. 

I am quite frank and open with my opinions. When I want to make a political comment or share my political views, I make it clear in my posts, I don't hide it behind any news or sugarcoat it. I am not someone who is allergic to blunt remarks, I make such remarks and totally get it when people direct similar remarks towards me, but such remarks should be on point, if they are off the topic, they are neither blunt nor deserve my attention. So, what's the solution? Please stick to the topic of discussion, one can bring related topics into a discussion, but when the initiator of the discussion says that he or she wants to keep the discussion limited to a certain topic, respect that, or start your own discussion. And finally, not every post is intended to make a political statement. Maybe your thinking is overshadowed by your political beliefs, but that's not the case with everyone, please keep this in mind when you drag politics into the completely apolitical discussion.

Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic. 

Bollywood songs and the culture of sexual harassment

Songs are an integral part of Hindi cinema (or Bollywood as it is popularly known all over the world now). As a kid and teenager, the only sources of entertainment for me were Hindi/Marathi cinema and the Indian government TV channel Doordarshan. Like any other generation, the life of my generation was also heavily influenced by the contents of the entertainment that we consumed. In one of the episodes of Amir Khan's show "Satyamev Jayate" and also my daughter Sara pointed out that many Bollywood songs openly encourage the culture of sexual harassment. This was a bitter pill to swallow as I love many Hindi movie songs as I grew up listening to them, but when I look back I have to agree that many of these songs propagated sexual harassment. In almost every movie, the main protagonist of the movie (the Hero) used to chase the leading lady (the Heroine), harass her, and stalk her until she eventually fell in love with her. Also, there used to be another person who did more or less the same acts, but without any success and that character used to be a villain, some villains used to take an extreme step of raping the heroine to punish her for rejecting their advances. So, this was the general path to conquer love which we used to watch in almost every movie. Hero's harassment was considered as "love" as eventually his target of harassment used to fall in love with him, but the same acts of the villain were not OK, as he did not get the heroine, but both performed the same acts, one succeeded and another failed. As an audience, we used to know who was the hero and who was the villain as actors were typecasted in these roles. 

Generations got their "how to win love" lessons from these movies and their songs which were extremely popular.  Many songs of the sixties are still popular, their lyrics and music are great and I love many of those songs, but if I watch them now I can see why generations who grew up watching these songs did think that harassing a woman is OK. Everyone who watched those movies knew that the hero succeeds and the villain ultimately fails, but in real life who wants to think that they are villains, everyone used to believe that the girl they like is their heroine, they are her hero, and eventually they can win her by using the same tactics which the hero employed in movies. This propagated the culture of sexual harassment which continues even today. Boys were taught that they need to be aggressive and persistent without being bothered by the girl's response, to the extent that the girl has no option but to accept their so-called love. Girls were taught to say no and not to express their feelings even if they liked the boy and be tolerate such harassment as a part of being a girl (For example, watch this superhit song, mana janab ne pukara nahi, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kT3WKSb1q_Q). There is nothing wrong with the lyrics of the song, and that's the beauty of these songs, their lyrics are not at all offensive, but the way they are picturized is where the real problem lies.

I must provide some other relevant examples to prove my point because one random example is not enough. Dev Anand was known as a chocolate hero, a very cute and mild-mannered love boy, and an evergreen hero. Many of his songs and movies are still popular, below is one of his super hit songs "hai apana dil to awara." 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4FC7hlqsZQ

In this song watch, how the hero (Dev Anand) tries to make the heroine (Waheeda Rehman) feel uncomfortable in a public place. Also, how the public reacts to Dev's acts even though they see that the girl he is trying to impress is feeling uncomfortable they do nothing about this but watch him with awe and admiration. This movie is from 1958. There is no physical harassment in this, but readers can imagine things getting worse from here. Check this 1967 movie, An Evening in Paris, another super hit song, "akele akele kaha jaa rahe ho," and superhit romantic hero Shammi Kapoor. The heroine, Sharmila Tagore, is actually trying to avoid both him and the villain, please let me know if anyone thinks this is not harassment.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VeWoNv2JMiY

There are many songs like these, I can make a comprehensive list, but providing such a list is not the aim of the post. I have seen the effect of these songs and felt it myself. I agree with Sara that these songs do teach that harassing girls to win their love is okay, I cannot imagine the problems girls were forced to deal with all these heroes who were harassing them while imagining themselves as some Bollywood hero set to pursue the love of their life. I am glad that finally, Amir Khan acknowledged this problem and hopefully the Indian movie industry will take steps to address this issue. I do understand that movies are meant for entertainment and should be taken only as entertainment, not as a moral teaching tool, but if they teach something so persistently, it is bound to have an effect on society. 

Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic. 

It is in their blood

How many of you have heard someone saying "It's in their blood" while referring to some undesirable social or criminal behavior by some individual to blame that entire community, religion, race, or country for that one person's behavior? This is a deeply prejudicial and biased statement, full of underlying hatred. I have heard it many times since I can remember. This line is often used to insult a particular community, religion, or country rather than for anyone's praise. I heard people using it against Muslims, Christians, Hindus, and within Hindus so-called upper caste people using it against so-called lower caste groups, and so on. Recently, I heard this line while attending a social function sometime before India was expecting a major decision from its supreme court in the Ram Mandir-Babri Masjid land dispute case. This dispute dragged on for decades and was used by the BJP and some other political parties as an effective political pool. Finally, when the Supreme Court of India decided to declare its judgment about this dispute, there was a concern about the effect of this judgment on the communal harmony of the country. During this social gathering, the discussion drifted toward this topic, one of my friends sounded pretty sure that there would be communal riots in India, and I asked him what made him believe that riots would happen for sure. He thought that Muslims of India wouldn't take the count's decision in the right spirit and start rioting. My next question was why was he so sure that Muslims would initiate the riot and not the Hindus? What if the decision goes against the Hindus? My question was more theoretical than practical, it was clear to everyone in whose favor the court would rule, but I wanted to know why he was so sure to blame Muslims for communal riots. His quick reply was that it was in their blood to do such things. I was stunned, not because I heard this for the first time, but because of where I heard this. So far, I have not heard such a statement from some literate person who knew quite a few Muslims and someone who lived in the US and some other countries for many years.

Even though it was shocking that someone could make such a statement about some community, it should not have surprised me considering I had some of these biases until my college days. Over a period of time, I also realized that for many people it is impossible to get rid of some of their prejudices and biases. This is the reason why the politics of hate still work, why some religious leaders from all religions can propagate hate and still get many followers. Why do some organizations openly propagate race or gender supremacy and still find many who subscribe to their bigotry? Also, anyone can be a bigot, starting from an illiterate to a Ph.D. or a Nobel laureate. I did not feel anger or frustration but felt pity for my friend that he is living with such a deep prejudice against Muslims. However, I couldn't do anything to cure it, I tried it but I failed. This friend is just an example, I do not want to single this person out for such behavior, there are many who think and believe in such things. Any social trait or criminal behavior is not in anyone's blood, people act in a certain way for a variety of reasons. It is not only wrong to accuse someone as a born violent or born criminal, but it also shows how screwed up our own thinking is. I wish such people a speedy recovery from their prejudice and bias. To a certain extent, we all are affected by certain prejudices and biases and we all must try first to consciously find them, and make every effort to overcome them by continuously educating ourselves. It is not easy, it is not comfortable, but it is necessary. If we dream of a peaceful and tolerant world, we need to eliminate our own biases as much as possible. My own journey in this direction is quite rewarding and fulfilling and I hope everyone who reads this will start their own journey to de-clutter their mind to remove things that act as a poison for our consciousness.

Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic.