Parents don't own their children

Parenthood is a beautiful thing, but at the same time, it is a physically and mentally challenging job. Parents have a responsibility to provide for and guide their children as they grow and become independent and responsible adults. As parents, we are not only taking care of our own children but also shaping up our society by bringing up future citizens of that city and country. However, parents don't own their children and children should not be treated as mere possessions to be controlled and manipulated to convert them into reflections of self. In many cultures, children are often referred to as the property of their parents, they are considered as a retirement fund of parents, someone who has an obligation and responsibility to take care of their parents no matter what. But this notion is deeply flawed for many reasons.   

This idea that parents own their children may have its roots in a patriarchal society where children were seen as an extension of their father's property. Even today, in many cultures, children are considered as an asset to be used for labor, marriage alliances, or to continue the family lineage. These traditions treat children as objects to be owned and used for the benefit of parents. However, children are independent human beings with their own thoughts, needs, feelings, and desires. Parents produce them by their own actions, human reproduction is a biological process, similar to the reproduction of many mammals who reproduce their offspring by the same mechanism we reproduce. There is nothing spectacular or divine in our reproductive method, it can be initiated in a petri dish in a well-equipped biology lab. 

Just because children are biologically produced by their parents, they don't become the property of their parents. They are not like any other property we own that we produce or buy, like patents, writings, paintings, sculptures, or our pets. Children are not listed as our assets that can be valued or sold if we default on any financial obligations. This is the reason no developed country gives an unrestricted right to any parents to bring up their children in whatever way they want. There are some rules that parents need to follow and if they don't follow these rules, the state may step in to protect the rights of the affected children. In most countries, at least on paper, children have legal rights and protections that are independent of their parents. For example, children have the right to a safe and healthy environment, access to education and healthcare, and protection from abuse and neglect. All these rights are recognized by international human rights laws and are enforced by many governments. This itself is enough to remind parents that children are not their property but independent entities with their own standing, legally and socially.

Children have the right to make their own choices and live their own lives free from the influence of their parents. However, this rarely happens in most cultures. Even though most parents agree that it is the duty of parents to support and nurture their children, and not to dominate and control them so that children can become independent thinkers, rarely do parents allow children to go out of their influence. That is why we see most kids follow the same religion as their parents, support the same political ideology, and even follow the education and profession chosen by their parents. 

Finally, parents must also understand that their children are not a reflection of themselves. Most parents make this mistake, they think that their children are the means to fulfill their own unfulfilled dreams. Many parents own the success and failures of their kids as if it is their own success and failure. Definitely, parents play a role, maybe a big role, in their kids' lives, but the success or failure of their kids doesn't in any way reflect on parents' own lives unless there is gross negligence or misconduct from the parents' side. At the same time, children are not responsible for their parent's success or failure. Having this simple understanding will allow parents to encourage their children to pursue their own interests and passions, even if they are different from their own. 

As parents, it is our responsibility to recognize, respect, and protect the individuality and agency of our children and provide them will all the love and support they need to thrive and become responsible citizens of this world.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

Contradicting ourselves is not as bad as it sounds

Consistency is a virtue most of the time. People like to be consistent and some even brag about how they are consistent throughout their lives. I also believe that consistency is a good characteristic, it demonstrates that the person is reliable and doesn't do a flip-flop when the time comes to stand by what they said or did. However, the inability to contradict ourselves, especially in the presence of new information and data just for the sake of being consistent, is also a problem. We all live with many biases, prejudices, and perceptions, and we form our opinions based on these things. Some of these opinions are about our own and other religions and political and social views. Rarely, do people change their opinions about their own religion and political views, not because there is not enough data available but not to contradict themselves and the people around them who helped them to formulate these opinions. However, the same people love to use scientific research or other available data to prove others' views and opinions wrong. This not only shows that we refuse to change our opinions and views even when data to the contrary is available but also shows our selective use of data to prove someone wrong but ignore the same when it comes to proving ourselves wrong. I try my best to avoid this rigidity, it is not easy, as we are not trained to do this, but it is very helpful to learn new things and understand different perspectives. This is why I seek information that helps me to refine my opinions and if I find reliable and verifiable information/data that contradict my views I don't hesitate to update my views, even if it means I contradict myself. It is important to remember that this contradiction or updating of our views is not for some selfish reasons like being accepted in some group or being pressured by the establishment but because there is enough contrary data that shows that we need to update ourselves. There is a difference between flip-flopping for selfish reasons and being an opportunist and being open to new information that contradicts your own principles and ideas.

The obligation not to contradict ourselves under any circumstance is what bad politicians and their supporters do. These people try to justify everything and anything they do either by pointing fingers at others or turning a blind eye to all the evidence offered to counter their arguments. It seems that most people don't want to truth, they just want and actively seek constant validation that what they already believe in is the truth. However, my aim is not to become such a moron. The fact is that anyone can be proven wrong based on experimental evidence and that's the time when we accept that we were wrong and update ourselves to be consistent with the new evidence until again proven wrong the next time. This cycle will go on as long as the human species exists. 

Also, not accepting that you can be wrong and believing in all conspiracy theories is not just a sign of stupidity it can be a sign of a narcissist. Narcissists want to feel special, they think they are better than everyone else and don't want to accept that they are wrong. One can see that most politicians fit this definition and the ones that don't are not traditionally considered charismatic or strong leaders. However, things are changing slowly, vulnerability is not a sign of weakness but a leadership attribute. When we are proven wrong and we have to contradict our previous statement, we feel vulnerable, only actual leaders can withstand this, narcissists can't. So, be vulnerable, be brave, and avoid being a narcissist. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com   

Passing on generational trauma - common pitfall of parenting

Parenting is a tough job. It is a physically and mentally demanding and challenging task, you need to be on this job 24/7 and 365 days a year, without any leave, there is no place to complain and you cannot quit the job. It is challenging irrespective of one or both parents working, surely, both parents working makes it more complicated and adds additional dimensions to it, but this does not mean work-at-home moms have an easier task at their hands. This is why childcare is so vital for parents in nuclear families. It is impossible for parents to provide the required support to their kids of all ages and perform other non-parental duties expected from them without having reliable and affordable childcare. However, this post is not about general parenting challenges or affordable childcare, this is about one of the most common pitfalls in parenting, parents passing on their generational trauma to their kids. 

Most parents based on their upbringing and childhood experiences have certain insecurities, prejudices, and generational trauma. I and my wife are not an exception to this. Also, as an immigrant to another country or as a migrant to a different place in the same country, some of our insecurities get stronger or we add some more to our list. Knowingly or unknowingly parents try to instill these insecurities and concerns in their kids. We pass on to our kids our fears about job loss, job insecurity, ignorance about non-traditional career paths, lack of education, insecurities related to inter-caste or inter-racial marriage, prejudices related to gender and sexuality, concerns about poverty and abuse, and ignorance about various other issues. A single phrase "generational trauma"  is used here to include all these parental insecurities, prejudices, and ignorance. The problem is that the parents pass on this general trauma with all good intentions, thinking that they are helping their child, thinking that they are protecting their child from obvious dangers that the poor child is unaware of. No matter how good the intention is, the fact remains that we are putting our own biases and fears into our children's minds. 

Generational trauma can be in many forms, scaring our children that their poor academic performance will lead them to beg on the streets is one form, reminding our children continuously about how lucky they are compared to the parent's childhood is another form, criticizing children's choices based on our own fears and ignorance is yet another form, passing on our own bigotry beliefs is also a very common form, and this list can go on but I think you get my point. I am sure every parent will come up with some very good reason why they are persuading their child to follow a particular career path even if their child is interested in something else. No matter how good is our reasoning, the fact is that by doing this we are telling your kids their choices don't matter and undermine their decision-making ability about their own lives. As parents, we do these things instinctively without realizing the consequences of our well-intentioned encroachment on our kids' lives. However, this is avoidable. As a parent, whenever we feel a strong urge to fix our kids' lives, we need to pause and ask an honest question, are we passing our own generational trauma to our child? Remember that the world in which we grew up is not the same, even ten years back the way people interacted with each other was different compared to how we interact today. Are our fears and concerns that originate from our experiences in a world that doesn't exist anymore rational? If not, is it right to indoctrinate our kids with these things? If parents take this simple step and do some introspection, I believe we can stop the continuation of this generational trauma. Remember, as parents, we cannot stop every trauma that our children may experience, but we can definitely minimize our own contribution to their trauma. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

©Vinay Thakur,  Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com  

My first live basketball game

On March 9, 2023, I attended my first live basketball game at Madison Square Garden Arena in NY city. It was a Big East men's basketball tournament quarterfinal between the two arch-rivals, UConn and Providence. I prefer to watch games in the comfort of my home on my TV screen. I attended some college football or gymnastic tournaments in New Haven and attended some tennis matches when CT Open was a thing, but nothing like a basketball match where there is a highly charged environment on and off the court. This was very unlikely for me to attend this game on a working day, but I am glad that I did it, this was one of the best experiences in my life.

It was my daughter's idea that I should go to this game. She insisted that as I like basketball and UConn is playing, I should go and watch this game with my son who is studying at UConn and is one of the top fans of both UConn basketball teams. I decided to give it a shot to this proposal. I bought a train around noon and reached Grand Central around 2pm. I met my son a few blocks away from the Grand Central Terminal and we both walked to the Madison Square Garden arena. The atmosphere there was electric, it was a full house with more than nineteen thousand people in the arena. Fans of both teams were supercharged and singing songs or chanting slogans in support of their respective teams. I sat with UConn supporters. Some students came with face paint and costumes matching their team's jersey. They asked if I wanted some paint on my face, so I went ahead and got my face painted. The game did live up to its expectations. I was one-sided at the beginning with UConn leading by 25 points at one point, but in the last ten minutes, it got really tense. The lead was cut down to 5 with some amazing defense and flawless scoring NY the Providence team. UConn managed to hold on to their lead to win the game with a 73-66 final score. I enjoyed the thrill, ups and downs, and other aspects of the game. In the entire game, there was no dull moment. Even during the breaks and halftime, there was some entertainment either on the court or among the audience that was showcased on the big screens of the arena. Fans added extra flavor and color to that electrifying atmosphere. UConn winning the game made this an unforgettable experience for me. Sitting with the students was extra special, their enthusiasm and energy was infectious. We were standing most of the game, and for the last five minutes or so the entire stadium was on its feet. Watching the game along with my son made it extra special, I could witness his joy and involvement in enjoying the game and supporting his university team. College sports are very special in the USA. Many college teams have a huge and very loyal fan following. Witnessing all this is an enthralling experience. I would still prefer to watch games on my TV as I really get anxious when games get really close, in your home, you can choose to mute the volume or switch off the TV and follow the score on the internet and rejoin whenever you want, but in the stadium, you don't have that option. However, if you are a sports fan, I would advise you to go and watch a live game in the stadium at least once to experience the magic of a sports arena full of passionate sports fans. Sports teach us to compete intensely while the game is on, but once it ends shake hands and move on to the next game. Go and enjoy that experience at least once, I didn't regret it and I am sure you also won't regret it.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

©Vinay Thakur,  Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com  

Eleventh anniversary

Today is the eleventh anniversary of the blog. Eleven years of sharing my reflections with my readers. When I started this endeavor eleven years ago I had no idea how long this would continue. I am not a professional writer and have no training in writing, but I have a lot to share. I always wondered why I got so many questions and why people around me could not provide satisfactory answers to most of my questions. This prompted me to find those answers on my own, and this is also one of the reasons why I thought my journey, views, and opinions were worth sharing. I never regretted even one post since I started writing this blog. Thanks to all my readers for their comments and encouragement. There are more than 550 published posts on this blog on various subjects and issues ranging from personal stories to political and social commentaries. 

In the past few years, I was pleasantly surprised to know that even the younger generation finds my blog posts interesting. I am a lifelong learner, and I have learned a lot from the younger generation, I am glad that I can offer some insights to them through my blog. 

This journey has been phenomenal so far and I am sure the excitement and fulfillment will continue. Thanks again and happy reading. 

Thank you for reading and for your continuous support. 

© Vinay Thakur,  Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com