Whenever news related to an abusive relationship becomes public, people start wondering why the person getting abused didn't quit the relationship when the abuse started. Why stay in an abusive relationship for so long? How difficult it is to understand that serial abuser is not going to change? These are the few questions asked to the victims of abuse. Maybe these questions are well intended and arise from the frustration and helplessness of seeing the victim suffer, but many times such questions are asked to question the intent of the victim. In most of these cases, a woman is the subject of abuse and some of these stories end with a tragic murder or a suicide where the woman pays with her life the cost of staying in that relationship. Why do people find it difficult to come out of abusive relationships? Is it a matter of choice, social conditioning, society's attitude, fear, or something else? Unfortunately, the answer is not that simple, it may involve any one, all, or more than the aspects mentioned here.
A few glaring problems that make it difficult to come out of an abusive relationship are financial dependence and patriarchal culture. In most households, even today, it is the woman who has to make compromises with their career for the sake of the family. Many women find it difficult to re-enter the job market after taking breaks to fulfill family responsibilities, most of the time these responsibilities are related to parenting. This makes them dependent on their partners for financial stability and their partners take full advantage of this dependency. Where will you go and how will you survive alone are the two questions asked to the victims of abuse if they are financially dependent on the abuser. This is not an easy question to answer. Not everyone is educated about the legal process of divorce and their rights under family law. Even in the legal process, the more financially resourceful party tries to game the system and play every trick to pay the fair share to the other party. Many abusers manipulate their victims by taking advantage of the victim's dependency and vulnerability.
Another reason is the patriarchal culture, where a single woman is forced to feel insecure and targeted as a vulnerable target. This situation is changing in some developed countries but in many countries even today it is not easy to live as a single woman. This forces many women to tolerate their abusive partner. Many of them feel that it is better to tolerate a known abuser rather than deal with a new one every single day. Even the families of many victims advise them not to quit such relationships and try to adjust and this advice to adjust is mostly offered to the victim. Many times victims are advised that having a child will resolve the relationship troubles, or in the beginning things are a little rocky and they will settle as time passes, these are other reasons why people get stuck in such relationships. This is a shameful situation, but it is a reality in many places around the world.
Whenever abuse victims fail to challenge abusers or come out of an abusive relationship we as a society need to introspect. Yes, whether to quit or take some other corrective action is the victim's choice, but do we make it easy for them to make this choice, in some cases, do we even offer them this choice? Why can't we offer a safe environment where these victims can raise their voices without being worried about the repercussions? Why can't we make these victims feel confident that society will stand behind them if they come out and expose their abuser? Why can't we stop questioning the intent of the victim rather than making sure of their safety and mental well-being? Until we take such steps we are not going to make it easy for victims of abusive relationships to come out of those relationships. It is not just the abuser, but we as a society are also equally responsible for making it difficult to quit abusive relationships. Whenever you see such situations please try to offer as much help as you can, many times, offering moral support can build confidence to take corrective actions. Let's make it easier for abuse victims to make the choice to end the abuse, as a civilized society we can at least do this much.
Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic.
© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com
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