My turbulent teenage years

Teenage years are not easy, even though they are one of the best and most interesting phases of our lives, the journey through these years can be rocky and bumpy. Those were turbulent times for me and the lack of access to information did not make it easy. People of my generation love to roast today's generation about internet addiction and social media dependence, but they fail to recognize that there is a huge positive side to this connectivity, it allows one to access useful information. I could not access the information that I needed as there were no resources available for me. Concepts like personal choice, passion, feminism, equality, justice, and privacy were neither part of my vocabulary nor did anyone around me care about these things. Also, I grew up in a sexually suppressed society, even a benign kiss or a hug on the screen was taboo. The interaction with the opposite sex was neither encouraged nor easily possible. Even in my college days, my interaction with girls was very awkward and I tried to avoid it as much as I could, not because I didn't want to interact, I just didn't know how to interact. I was confused from the inside but acted confident from the outside. Turbulent from the inside, but calm from the outside. Angry but did not know why and on whom. With many questions but with no way to find any answers.

As a teenager, I was also very confused about things happening around me. I did not understand why we struggled for money even after my parents really worked hard and did not have any conventional bad habits like drinking or gambling. I struggled to understand why females were treated differently than males. I and my brothers were expected to do good in school, but there was no such expectation from any of my sisters. It is not that these things started happening around me when I entered my teenage. They have been happening around me since I was born, but I started getting affected by them only during my teenage. As a male, I was conditioned to think and behave in a certain way, even in the poor neighborhood, I had many privileges just because of my gender. Females were looked at and treated in a certain way, almost like some object. There were strict boundaries for them that they were not supposed to cross, and if they crossed, there were serious consequences. Even their own families did not spare them if they dared to cross those boundaries. 

Education for me was only a key to coming out of poverty, nothing more than that. I was desperate to get out of poverty and education was the only option available to me. I did not go to school and college because I loved it or enjoyed it, but because I had to as it was my ticket to the outside world. The world that I saw around me but didn't belong to. I desperately wanted to be rich, rich enough so that I didn't have to think about how to get things that I needed. During my high school and college days, I started reading books outside my study books. Reading was not my hobby of choice, but it just happened that it was the only option available once my other friends went their own ways pursuing different options that economically underprivileged neighborhoods offered. It was sad to part ways, but it was also unavoidable. As I did not have much to do, I started reading newspapers beyond sports and film portions, and from there I got introduced to politics, religion, and other subjects. I wanted to know more and this is how I started borrowing books from libraries around me. This is when my life changed. 

My family thinks that I am a feminist or have liberal social values because I came to America, but this is not true. I was like this even when I was living in Pune but I did not talk about it much. I also never used to stay much at home and at home, I never used to talk much. For example, my daughter is named Sara, which is not a name considered for a girl in Hindu families, not because I visited America or knew anything about America, but because I wanted her to understand that people may judge you just based on your name and she should not the one doing this. It was this simple, I was not looking for anything else. I learned this from the book I read about Dr. Shriram Lagoo, a famous Marathi, and Hindi movie/stage actor. I read so many books that I don't even remember their names or authors. I just remember what I read not who wrote it or where I read it. I just read whatever came into my hands, even at the cost of my academic performance. The education system in which I studied never encouraged any outside reading, rather it was considered a waste of time. I am sure my academic performance would have been much better if I had not listened to Hindi movie songs or read as much as I did. I might have become an engineer, a doctor, or even a government officer that my parents desperately wanted me to become, but definitely would not have learned about feminism, casteism, gender discrimination, communalism, socialism, communism, capitalism, hate politics, secularism, and many other things. I do not regret wasting my time in reading at all, it provided some answers to the questions that I had but did not who to ask. Books saved me from being a narrow-minded, patriarchal, casteist, communal male, they made me a better person than I was. All the books I read and the Hindi film music made my teenage years less bumpy and turbulent than they could have been. It also saved me from various addictions that were common in my neighborhood. I was so addicted to reading books, watching movies, and buying audio cassettes that I had no money left for cigarettes, alcohol, or gutkha (a chewing tobacco product that was a craze during my college days).  

I hope at least some of the readers will relate to my teenage years. These years are years of internal and external changes. Along with our body and hormone levels, our understanding of our surroundings also evolves. It is good to find some channel or mechanism to cope with this change. I found that channel in movies, music, and books. Some may find it in performing arts or sports. Some may find it in writing or cooking. Find that channel that will make your ride less bumpy and turbulent. It will be still shaky, but not as much to knock you off the road or throw you off the cliff. You will be fine, just find the channel that works for you. These are our formative years, if my experience helps you to find some solace and guidance, I am happy. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

Toxic relationships

Humans are social animals. We all crave social belonging, validation, love, and support. Our relationships fulfill part of these needs that's why they are important. We have biological relationships that we don't choose, this is a set of relatives that we get because of our biological connections. And we have social relationships like friends and colleagues that we develop on our own. Both these relationships play a vital part in our development and growth as a person. Trust is one of the essential ingredients that makes any relationship special, without trust no relationship lasts long and can be called a reliable relationship. However, not all relationships help us to thrive and flourish, some become toxic over a period of time. Toxic relationships make us feel suffocated, they take a severe toll on our mental health. Actually, no one wants to be in a toxic relationship, but sometimes, things are not in our hands, they depend a lot on how the next person behaves. Also, it is hard to get out of some toxic relationships depending on the length and complexity of these relationships. It is also tragic, that some relationships that are supposed to be full of love and care, like between parent and child, and relationships between siblings, and spouses, become toxic leaving a permanent scar on our minds.  

If we don't take the necessary steps either to repair our toxic relationships or get out of them, they can mess up our mental health. Most of the time, by the time any relationship becomes toxic, it is beyond the scope of revival, the best way at this point is to part ways amicably and move on. It is not easy, and it may be a painful process to part ways, especially if the relationship has been long and intimate, but the pain of separation is better than daily exposure to the toxic environment of that relationship. The toxicity of any relationship does not only affect our own mental health, but it may also affect our relationships with others. It may alter our personality in some undesired way that we push people away who care for us. Therefore, if you find yourself in a toxic relationship, start working towards coming out of it as soon as you can. Get all the help you need to analyze the situation and take the necessary steps. Ideally, this work should start much before the relationship becomes so toxic that you need to come out of it, but it is better to be late than never. It is a sad reality that some people refuse to change, they refuse to see that the other person is suffering because of their lack of empathy and understanding. Many times, there is nothing much to say or do once we give our best and still don't see any improvement. Coming out of a toxic relationship may allow us to cherish any beautiful moments that the relationship might have had. While remaining in it at the cost of our mental well-being ruins everything forever. Don't allow anyone to demean you, don't allow anyone to exploit you, don't allow anyone to take undue advantage of your kindness, don't allow anyone to take you for granted, don't allow anyone to violate your personal boundaries, and don't allow anyone to force you to be in any relationship. Take control of your own life. Toxic relationships only benefit the person who creates that toxicity, therefore, the sooner you take steps better for you. Stay safe and stay away from toxic relationships. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

Let's move it, move it

Our lives have become increasingly comfortable physically compared to our ancestors. We don't have to constantly move for food or live in constant danger of being attacked by predators as humans have managed to put themselves at the top of the food chain. However, this all came with a cost, our lives have become more sedentary, we move less, and day by day it is becoming lesser and lesser. We move so little that most of us have to join a gym or include some regimental exercise routine in our day-to-day lives to get that required dose of physical activity. Joining the gym is easy, but regularly going to the gym is not, planning to exercise is easy, but doing it every day is not. This is why we all plan but fail to execute, then, plan again, but again fail to execute, and this cycle continues. I was trapped in this cycle. 

Once I join any gym, I go regularly. However, for me, the big challenge is to find a gym close to my apartment as I am not an enthusiastic driver. It is hard to find a gym that is open when I want to go and also reasonably priced as I don't need any fancy stuff. Rarely any gym used to fit these criteria. Also, I think that one does not need to join any gym or any other club to remain fit. Hence, I started to have my own exercise plan. There is only one routine, do it every day, no fixed time, no fixed routine, no fixed place, just move. I feel the biggest hurdle to being physically active is that we don't move. Many of us have desk jobs, we either drive or take public transport, we watch TV sitting on a couch or chair, and we do most of the stuff where little or no movement is required. Therefore, I feel it is important to move, no matter how, when, and where, just move. 

I plan to do at least 30 minutes of physical activities every day. This can be walking, skipping on the spot, weights, yoga, stretching, dancing, or a combination of any of these activities. There is no set routine, it depends on how I feel and what I want to do on that day, I just need to do that every day. No breaks, unless there is a compelling reason to take a break (like travel or sickness). This has helped me a lot. First, I don't have to join any gym to remain physically active. Second, I can do my exercise any time of the day, so, it is flexible, it is not like after some time I cannot do it as the place is closed. Finally, I can choose my routine and set my own daily targets. For everyone who is struggling to remain physically active, my suggestion is just to start moving, regularly, diligently, and with intent. Include physical activities in your daily routine, for example, walking instead of driving, or exercising while watching TV, rather make a rule, your first hour of TV watching will include at least 30 minutes of physical activity of your choice. 

If you struggle to find a time slot for your exercise, don't keep exercise as a separate task, club it with something that you love to do or you have to do. Make your exercise a part of any daily activity, like work, watching TV, or talking on the phone, so that your exercise happens while you perform that activity. Mix a variety of physical activities so that you don't get bored with your routine. Include things that you enjoy, if you like to dance, pair it with aerobics, if you like yoga, club it with weights, and so on. Start with small and reasonable goals. The goals that are achievable for your age and physical abilities. Once you get into the habit of achieving those goals, then, gradually ramp up the speed and time that suits you. Don't start with a lofty target to show off, that will only make you feel frustrated and dejected after the first week. If you have time, read about the research related to the effect of movement on our general well-being. The research suggests that movements affect almost every system of our body, mental as well as physical. The best physical activities are where we also involve our mind, this gives us a wholesome workout. So, friends, let's move it, move it. Let's make our general well-being a mission. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

Negative bias

A negative bias is something we all have it. We may not be happy to accept this or would like to believe that we are not the ones with any negativeness in our personality but that's not true. Negative bias is not about being negative or anything bad, this is a natural tendency of humans to compare. We naturally compare ourselves with others around us, with the advent of social media people don't even have to be around us, we can compare ourselves with anyone we want. However, the problem is that we tend to compare upwards more than downwards and often find ourselves at the bottom of the comparison ladder. We do this futile exercise, again and again, knowing that it is only going to bring anxiety and despair. Even after all this, it is hard, if not impossible, to get rid of the negative bias. 

Comparison is a double-edged sword. It can motivate us to do better, and we can learn so many things from each other to improve and enrich our lives. On the other hand, it can make us feel disappointed in our choices and think that others are doing much better than us with much less hard work and talent. Mostly success stories are shared with a lot of flare and glitter, whereas failure is only whispered. Also, we always tend to compare upward, that is with people who supposedly doing better than us. It is obvious to find ourselves at the bottom of the comparison ladder when we always compare upwards. Instead of getting motivated to continue our journey for our dreams and happiness, we get entangled in the vicious cycle of comparison and regret. Social media does not make this any easier. We see others posting about their amazing lives and feel what the heck is wrong with us. We feel our life sucks whereas others are having the time of their life. We forget that we are also doing the same and someone looking at our social media posts might be feeling jealous about the amazing display of our life on social media. 

Social media does not cultivate authenticity for most of us. Actually, most of us perform on social media. Very few of us dare to show our true selves on social media, most try to showcase only the best versions, even if they have to fake them. This is the biggest problem of social media, it is not as social as we imagine. It has become a place where people perform for validation from others, it has become a form of entertainment. There is not much interaction, there are performers and there is an audience. 

When we only watch others perform and believe it is reality, we exacerbate the problem of negative bias. It is like watching a fiction movie and comparing it with our day-to-day life. Of course, our day-to-day life is not as entertaining as the movie because the movie is scripted, acted, edited, and polished. It is a refined product that is meant to entertain, but our real life is not meant to entertain others. So, relax, take it easy, and don't fall into the trap of negative bias so much that you get disconnected from your own reality. Compare but be aware that you are comparing, use the comparison for motivation and encouragement. Occasional jealousy is normal, but don't be in a mode of constant validation from others. Likes or comments on social media do not define our life or who we are, we define it, this awareness and control are valuable, so don't surrender them.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

Courage is to speak when it's easy to keep mum

Bullying is a type of abuse, physical and mental abuse. It is also called ragging or many other names, but the fact is that it is a type of abuse and torture. Bullying is also different than many other types of abuse, it happens in the full public glare. It happens in schools, colleges, universities, neighborhoods, social media, families, locker rooms, and many other public places where others are present, but they either don't react or watch as mute spectators. It is also true that it is not easy to stand up against a bully or resist raging. When most don't resist. When most surrender, ignore it as a minor nuisance or a necessary evil and try to justify it as a junior-senior interaction or friendly banter. It is hard to resist it. It is hard to stand against it. Even people subjected to bullying or ragging try to downplay it as they feel resisting it is much more damaging than tolerating it.

People justify their lack of action as a choice of the lesser evil. They feel standing up for abuse is more damaging than tolerating it, they find obedience more convenient than resistance. They may have their own reasons for behaving like this. However, not everyone thinks and behaves that way. Not everyone tolerates abuse wrapped as friendly banter or a necessary evil. Some chose to speak while the rest chose to keep mum. They do it at the cost of their mental peace and without any support. It is not easy to stand up for something when you see everyone accepting the status quo and obliging. It is not easy to resist when people who should resist try to convince you to keep quiet and tolerate it. Despite all this, some show this courage, and they are heroes. They choose to speak up even when it is scary, even when they feel threatened and intimidated, even when there is no support from friends and colleagues, and even when they know that speaking up may have unfavorable consequences. 

It is not easy to stand up against a bully, but that's the choice we have to make. This bully can be anyone, it is not always a human. In many cases, it is a person or a group of persons, like your seniors or even your own family, but not always. The bully can be a religion or some age-old tradition that may force you to do something against your wish, or we may get ridiculed or heckled by society or the community just for raising our voice of dissent against such practices. We must stand, we must resist, and we must raise our voices against all forms of bullying. Why? Because that's the right thing to do. It may not be easy or convenient, but it is the right thing. Nothing may change even after we register our dissent. It doesn't matter. We must stand, not because we will see that change, but to initiate that change. Someone must initiate the process of resistance, it may take years or decades to bring that desired change after the initiation, but initiation is important. I stand in solidarity with all those who show this courage. The world may never recognize or appreciate our actions, but every place we speak up, it changes something, may be a trivial change considering the vastness of the problem, but still, it is a change. The change that is initiated by us. We did the right thing when others chose to ignore and that is what matters the most. This post is dedicated to all who chose to stand up when it is not convenient to stand; to all who speak up when it is convenient to ignore and keep mum; and who resist when it's easier to oblige and surrender. Be proud of your actions, tell your stories to kids, and inspire them to resist suppression and injustice in any form and size.  

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com