Marriage can be a liberating experience

This month I and Reena will be celebrating our 21st marriage anniversary. So far, it has been an amazing journey for both of us, full of excitement and challenges. I couldn't have asked for a more supportive and understanding partner who not only supported me in all my endeavors but also took up each and every challenge which I threw at her with a lot of good spirit and courage and I hope Reena also feels the same way.

Ours was a classic arranged marriage. We did not know each other personally before a marriage proposal came to my parents from a common acquaintance who knew members of both families. This was a traditional way arranged marriages used to work before the emergence of matchmaking agencies and online matrimonials. I met her only once before we got married and that too only when I insisted on that meeting. I really had to take a stand that I was not getting married to anyone without having at least a one-to-one meeting with that person. This was a shocker to all the elders in my family as something like this never happened before and everyone was wondering what I may achieve by talking with a girl in person? Isn't the photo enough to see how she looks? Isn't what her family tells about her enough to judge that she is going to be an obedient wife and daughter-in-law? What am I going to talk to her? Does it really matter? Yes, it did matter to me. I wanted to tell the person who was going to marry me what type of person I was and what was she getting into. I knew from the beginning that my marriage was not going to be like all other marriages around me. This was all that I told Reena when I met her at her home in Varanasi during the only meeting we had before our marriage. I explained to her my views, and I told her about my family, my Ph.D. work schedule, and my other future plans. I also conveyed to her my expectations about my partner and asked about her expectations. Not to my surprise she had minimum expectations like her husband should not be alcoholic or abusive. The bar was that low for boys to qualify as a suitable groom. I did not know back then how she felt about my insistence on meeting her, later she told me that it was a bit surprising for her that I talked about all these other things rather than where to go for honeymoon and other typical stuff that people ask their prospective brides.

Anyway, we got married in 1998, and since then Reena has been my partner. I see many people complaining amount of restrictions their marriage puts on their lifestyle, there are many jokes about marriage being the end of freedom for a man/woman, but nothing like that happened with us. Our marriage has proven to be a liberating experience for both of us. I never felt restricted from anything, rather I have more freedom as I have someone to share responsibilities and support me apart from my parents and brothers. I have more support after marriage than before marriage. As far as our personal relationship is concerned, we both give each other enough space. We recognize and acknowledge that we both have our own circles from before our marriage, and we need to maintain those relationships without diluting our relationship with each other. This is not an easy balance to strike, but also not difficult if both partners try honestly. A lot of understanding, transparency, and discussion are needed to achieve this and we both never hesitated to initiate complicated or difficult conversations no matter how complicated or sensitive the issue is. We are poles apart on certain issues, but that never affected our personal relationship. Imposing our own views on each other was never our intention, we believe in agreeing to disagree and moving on. We value and encourage independence, but this was not easy in the beginning as it was a shocker for Reena when I told her to decide about her personal issues, like when to visit her family. I know that many people will think that's such a trivial matter, but even this much freedom is not offered to women in many societies. They need permission from their husband or in-laws even to visit their family. I must say that Reena took this challenge very graciously and worked really hard towards it. It was not easy for both of us as it created family conflicts and other challenges, but we did it. This is what I mean by marriage can be a liberating experience, we both are free and independent, not independent of each other, but independent within a relationship that binds us together. We value and respect each other's space, even in disagreement we support each other's right to have different beliefs. We recognize each other's complexities and do not try to make it more complex, but try to support and understand. We discuss and debate a lot, but not always to convince each other, but many times to understand each other. We do need to strike a balance but it is from both sides. I do not get the upper hand for just being a husband and she does not have to compromise just because she is a wife. We try to fight many patriarchial notions together. We not only believe in gender equality but we also practice it. There are many small and big things which contributed to making our relationship really special. Marriage was never a burden or a cage for both of us, and I hope other married couples feel the same way. It all depends on both partners, if they want, marriage can be a liberating experience.

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All scientific knowledge is uncertain, and that's why it's of a great value

Prof. Richard Feynman said that all scientific knowledge is uncertain. When I read this statement for the first time, I really didn't understand its meaning, but when I started conducting research in the field of chemistry I understood the importance of uncertainty in the field of science. Actually, uncertainty is what makes scientific knowledge different than any other field. The possibility that anyone can challenge any hypothesis, anyone can propose any rule, anyone can experimentally prove or disprove any theory, makes the field of science interesting and unpredictable. Anything, no matter who proposed by whom or how long ago can be proven wrong by anyone with enough data. This non-hierarchical aspect of science makes research a fun and exciting endeavor. Scientists are used to dealing with doubt and uncertainty, otherwise, how can one dare to solve a problem which has never been solved before? How can one propose some new rule or predict some new theory? How can one try to find a cure for something untreatable before? This is why experiences with doubt and uncertainty are very important for any scientist or a science student. Science is as much about asking new questions as it is about finding answers to unanswered questions, this is an inherent feature of scientific knowledge. 

When Feynman called scientific knowledge uncertain, he did not even remotely mean that it was unreliable. Uncertain doesn't mean unreliable in this context, it just means that it is subject to change and nothing is fixed in stone. Now, this concept might be difficult to digest at first. How can something be uncertain and still be reliable at the same time? However, this can be the case, and if we look at the process of generating and evaluating the data in science we can very well understand how and why. Here, the uncertainty is not because of the content, but due to the process by which it is generated. The process has an inbuilt mechanism to challenge the status quo, encouragement to improve things and push the lines, start new frontiers, take up new challenges, and finally, try to prove things wrong, and this is what Feynman meant by calling scientific knowledge uncertain. Scientific knowledge is not static, it's in continuous flux. Once I understood this uncertainty, I really enjoyed my research and learned a lot from the many failures that I faced while conducting it. Failures, actually, many of them, are an integral part of every researcher's life, and acknowledging the inherent presence of doubt and uncertainty makes the journey more enjoyable and rewarding. Remember, this uncertainty is what stops from scientific knowledge becoming dogmatic. So, embrace the uncertainty and enjoy the journey of exciting scientific pursuit.

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Balancing physics, chemistry, and biology of a relationship

If we analyze the dynamics of any relationship we will find they do involve elements of physics, chemistry, and biology. I don't mean that they literally involve basic concepts from these branches of science, but any relationship, especially our relationship with our partner does involve important aspects of these three branches of science.

Let's first take chemistry, we need to have compatibility in any relationship, especially with our partner. Without compatibility, it's tough to live happily together. Imagine a relationship where people argue or fight continuously because they are not compatible with each other. Compatibility also doesn't mean you need to be very similar to each other or your things have to match on every point. People can be very different and still complement each other very well. This is why chemistry becomes important, we all have certain traits and characteristics that we value or want to preserve, find a person who values them, and who gives you enough space and freedom to be yourself. You want to complement each other not to complete each other. Every person is complete, we don't need anyone else to complete ourselves, we need someone who can understand us and support us when needed. When two people make they should form a strong bond, not an explosive reaction. Only strong bonds survive tough conditions and make that relationship long-lasting, look for such strong bonds. 

Next is physics. There are physical aspects to our relationships. This is an ignored and taboo subject in most of the societies. People are not very open to talking about the physical aspects of the couple's relationship, but it is as important as any other aspect of the relationship. This aspect requires a lot of compassion, love, care, as well as respect. Consent should not be taken for granted and the wishes of each other should be respected to have a healthy physical relationship. Ignoring this aspect of the relationship could have a serious effect on other aspects of the relationship. A lack of good physics could spoil the good chemistry.

Lastly, biology, which many times we can control and many times we can't. This part requires some care, precaution, and knowledge. Without properly knowing the biological consequences of our actions, it is easy to make mistakes and then regret them. Some mistakes are correctable because of the help of medical science, but this is not the case always. It is better to be safe than sorry and this is true at every stage of the relationship. I am not just talking about the biological aspects of sexual behavior, but also about the effects of negligence towards personal health. Unhealthy habits are bound to show their effects at some stage, it is always better to be aware of our own personal health challenges and work to mitigate any health-related issues. Biology could affect the physics of a relationship and they both together could affect the chemistry of a relationship to weaken the bond.

Striking the balance between all three aspects of a relationship is not easy, people often struggle with one aspect or another. Sometimes they get the chemistry right but mess up with physics and biology, and sometimes it's the other way around. There is no right or wrong formula, every couple has to come up with what works best for them. This requires the participation of both partners as unilateral solutions rarely work. Also, this is a continuous and never-ending process, it continues as long as that relationship exists, and we need to tune the balance at every stage of life. This is always a work in progress, but very important work. Please don't neglect it.

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