Why I don't participate in campaigns like #Selfiewithdaughter?

I read the news that #selfiewithdaughter is trending on Twitter since India's PM Mr. Modi asked people to share selfies with their daughters along with the line 'beti bachao, beti padhao' (which means, save daughters, educate daughters). I understand that the intention behind this is to spread awareness about decreasing male to female ratio in Indian society. The tagline "save daughters" is directed towards female feticide, where gender-selective abortions are very common. But I see a problem with this, many people who are concerned with dropping male to female ratio or female feticide issue try to project females or girls as something special, something precious which needs extra protection or attention or care. They all forget that this is the same attitude that resulted in gender discrimination and the perception that females are the weaker sex or a liability to the family. Such campaigns, no matter how well intended, fail to produce any desired results. They do create some media coverage, the issue gets discussed in some debates but hardly anything changes on the ground. There are enough government programs and laws in India like the anti-dowry law, there is even a law that gives daughters an equal share in ancestral property, but still, dowry is a very common practice and very few people bother to give girls their legal share in ancestral property. They all consider their daughters very special, treat them very nicely, and all love them, but they are not considered as EQUALS. Always or in most cases son is considered as heir of property or leader of the family, and there is a different set of rules for sons compared to daughters. I agree that the situation is changing slowly but not at the speed with which it should. It is also true that the situation of women in many Western countries is comparatively much better than in countries like India, India has a lot of ground to cover and this campaign is not going to help in that direction. Problems on the ground are very different, the situation and status of women in society needs a major revamp. Unless women are made equal partners in each and every decision-making process, their situation is not going to improve. One doesn't need to respect only their mothers, sisters, or daughters but also their wives, neighbors, and colleagues. We should stop looking at women only through the prism of some personal relationships, and treat them as equal individuals. 

So, why do I think that such campaigns are not useful, or why I don't participate in such campaigns especially when I claim to be a feminist and someone who believes in gender equality? Actually, I am against any special treatment offered to women or men just because of their gender, this is against the basic concept of equality. My daughter is just one of my kids, she is not any more special than my son. She is like any other member of my family with EQUAL rights; no more, no less. She gets all the privileges and rights that my son or I get in my family. She is allowed to party the same way my son is allowed, she is allowed to hang out with her friends (male or female doesn't matter) the same way my son is allowed to do it, she is allowed to watch the movies or TV programs which are suitable to her age (based on ratings), she is allowed to use words which I am allowed to use while speaking in home or in public, she is expected to do chores like everyone else, she or my son are not treated any different based on their gender. We don't offer any concession or privilege to her just because she is a girl. The same is true for my son, he doesn't get anything extra just because he is a boy. My daughter is not assigned any chores just because this is what girls are supposed to learn or do; it is her choice if she wants to learn cooking or not, she has to decide whether she wants to learn driving or not and the same is true for my son also. Equality doesn't come with any special privileges, rather equality means that there should not be any special privileges for anyone. If we want to teach our daughters the meaning of equality first and basic thing we need to do is to treat them as equals. If we don't practice equality in real life then just talking about it will not make any difference. Equality means giving equal respect, freedom, opportunity, and responsibility.

Whether it is positive or negative both types of discrimination are bad. Daughters are not special, they are equal and responsible members of any family. They deserve equal status, not some special treatment. Such special treatment offered to them for centuries is the very reason that they are discriminated against. Many societies worship female gods, they treat them as special and show extra protectiveness and concern. What is the result of all this? Women are not treated as equals, many restrictions are forced upon them just because of their gender, and they are considered as weak or less capable. Now the time has come not to give any special treatment, but to give them equal resources, opportunities, freedom, and responsibilities which they deserve. Any society or country is not doing any favor by giving women equal rights, rather societies should be ashamed that still women have to demand equal rights for them. These types of campaigns might create some media buzz, but we need a change in the mentality of people, let parents take oath that they will give equal share to their daughters in their property, they will let her choose her career and life partner, and they will not restrict her from doing something just because of her gender. Let them promise that they will make sure that daughters will have all the freedom that any other male member of her age from their family enjoys. Parents can post selfies with their daughters on the internet, it is a very easy thing to do but I hope they go many steps further and treat her as an equal human being, not something fragile, weak, and inferior. Gender inequality is a very big problem across the world, and it is even bigger in countries like India. Even though I don't think that any such campaign has any capacity to bring any real change, I will be happy if this initiative helps to create awareness about gender equality. I also hope this doesn't send the wrong message that daughters are in any way special because they are not, they are equals, and please treat them as equals.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Kanyadan or giving daughter away, example of gender bias or a tradition?

There is a tradition, custom, or ritual of giving away the bride in Christian weddings, where the father walks the bride to the groom, so it's like a transfer of a daughter from a father to make her the wife of a husband. A similar ritual in Hindu marriages is Kanyadan (Kanya = daughter or girl, dan = donation, so literally it means donation of one's daughter). Both are symbolic rituals where the father gives away his daughter to a man to whom she is getting married. I have seen this ritual happening in all marriages that I attended. Such rituals and their significance are highlighted in many movies and books. The scenes about these rituals are often very emotional. Very few feel there is anything wrong with it (or there is any gender bias in these rituals). Even during my marriage, I witnessed this ritual. My father-in-law and mother-in-law together did this ritual, donating their daughter to me, telling me symbolically that this (girl) was in our possession till today and from today it's your property (or responsibility), and as a husband, I need to take care of her. There is nothing overtly offensive or objectionable in this entire process, after all, this is just a symbolic ritual, part of our culture and tradition, going on for centuries (like Baptism, Mundan (shaving off head), thread ceremony, etc.). We are supposed to respect and follow our traditions. After carefully looking at this process I disagree with this tradition. One of my friends said to me after the marriage of his daughter that while performing all those rituals as a father he felt that his daughter was now going away from him and he was giving away his daughter. It seems every ritual reminded him that now she belongs to some other family. This raised the question in my mind, why didn't my dad feel the same or would my friend feel the same during his son's marriage? The answer is No. After all, there is no ceremony called "giving away the groom" or "Putradan" (Putra = son) during marriage.

As I said the ceremony itself is very emotional and is performed at a very important junction of life. Marriage is a very important and emotional event for all involved in it and no one likes to question the rituals of marriage to avoid spoiling the mood and atmosphere of the function. I can understand this hesitation, I never objected to it as long as I was not aware of the gender discrimination aspect of this ritual, and even after becoming aware of this aspect, I never objected to this ceremony during any marriage for the same reason (not to cause any disturbance). But I wonder how come as a society we never object to such rituals. How do we never see anything wrong with practicing them? Is it just because they are part of something emotional and romantic event like marriage? Or as a society, we are still fine with gender discriminatory rituals like this which indirectly give secondary status to females?

Some traditions like this look harmless but they have a deep impact on the thinking and psyche of people. This is how husbands start thinking that wives are their property, no one tells them this, they just assume this from whatever is happening around them. We all become a part of this patriarchal system without even knowing it. That is why I feel we need to question any gender-discriminatory ritual, custom, or tradition like this. If these things are really needed, they must be modified to remove any gender discrimination. I have no idea what will happen during the marriage of my daughter, I will stand for my beliefs and will do what I believe is right. But at the same time, I don't force my ideas on anyone, she will be free to choose what path she likes. I can always register my protest and opposition but I also know that change will be slow and will require a lot of persistent effort. I know that I can't change things overnight but that doesn't mean I stop trying. Another reason people give me for not opposing such rituals is that they don't want to hurt their parents or elders by opposing or questioning these traditions and rituals. They claim that as their parents are so touchy or emotional about these rituals they do these things just to make them happy. Not wanting to hurt the sentiments of parents is a very noble thought, I don't think anyone willingly wants to hurt their parents, this is always the last option, but if we don't challenge discrimination within our own family we have no right to challenge it when others do the same thing. One needs to take a stand for what they believe is right. Sometimes it's not possible to bring the desired change without hurting someone's feelings. Many want to see the change but they do not want to start from their own family. They want the change but don't want the struggle associated with it. It's like they want to save their country from the enemy but do not want their kids to fight in a war, someone else's kid should do it because the life of their own kids is too precious to waste. Similarly, their parents are too sensitive to hurt their feelings, therefore, others should hurt their parents to bring change. This is not how social reforms happen, this is hypocrisy. I believe in Gandhi's sentence "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." Whoever understands the meaning of this sentence will relate to this post, for all others, it might sound offensive, anti-tradition, or anti-religion.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]

Links:
1. Giving Away the Bride: Traditions and Alternatives
2. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kanyadan
3.  Gaudaan... Vastradaan... Annadaan... Bhoodaan... Kanyadaan?

Why daughters hesitate to claim their share in ancestral property in India?

This issue is somewhat sensitive in many families and people don't want to discuss it because of the possibility of tension it might create and also the possibility of spoiling relations, but I have been always curious about this issue. I am discussing this subject exclusively in the Indian context because I have seen this problem there, maybe it is also present in many other cultures but I am personally aware of this problem in India. Fight for equal rights for women is going on all over the world and India is no exception to this. Like everywhere else property rights of Indian women are unequal and unfair. A lot of improvements have been made on paper, some laws are also introduced to protect their rights but they are hardly followed. So, even on paper, the situation looks better but in reality, nothing has changed much. In India now at least by law daughters are legally eligible for an equal share in the ancestral property. However, many of them don't want to exercise this legal right, they worry about their family's reaction, society's reaction, and also about spoiling relationships, all these things make them very reluctant even to think about this important right given to them by law. Implementation of this law on the ground is still a very far-fetched dream.

Why daughters don't want their share? Why do they hesitate to claim it? What is stopping them? As far as sons are concerned they all think that it's their birthright to inherit ancestral property and they fight for it if they feel any injustice has been done to them but daughters hardly react if their share is not offered to them. Daughters don't bother to ask for it even if they are in financial difficulty and really need that share, they just think it's not their right, and even if this right is offered to them by the law it's not appropriate to exercise it. This is the effect of years of female suppression and brainwashing. No matter what rights the law is offering to them they are still hesitant to use most of those rights. To make things more complicated, there is a lot of confusion about women's property rights law and many people don't even know where to look for details. As Shruti Pandey (see link 3) said in her article there is no single body of property rights of Indian women, they get determined by which religion she follows, is she is married or unmarried, which part of the country she comes from, whether she is tribal or non-tribal, etc. All these factors along with a lack of awareness and desire result in many daughters not getting their share in ancestral property. This issue may sound very trivial but as far as women's independence and equality are concerned I think this is a very important matter.

I think the dowry system must have started to tackle the problem of offering shares to daughters in ancestral property, but this system itself became a big problem rather than solving the problem of equitable property distribution. The problem of dowry became so big that the government has to introduce a separate law to stop it, it's another issue that it's still practiced in some form all over India. Any girl asking for her share in the ancestral property is considered greedy and often faces the wrath of other family members (like brother and sister-in-law) who feel that she is unfairly trying to grab their share of the property. The feeling of guilt is also very strong in many girls' minds, most of them believe that the true heir to property has to be a male and hence it's not fair for daughters to ask for any share in ancestral property. The dowry system is not an answer to this problem, this system itself has created many troubles for women. The current system of dowry creates a lot of trouble for brides whenever their in-laws feel that they didn't get enough dowry and then demand more and torture the girl. Offering legal and proportional shares to daughters in ancestral property might be a better solution as this practice might help to remove the ambiguity associated with how much share a daughter can get. Often the dowry is demanded out of greed, so there is no limit on how much the other party (the groom's side) can demand, whereas a share in property is calculated as per law so there are fewer chances of unreasonable demands. This law would not stop all atrocities against brides but at least it would eliminate the social evil of dowry from their lives. But this needs a lot of courage and determination from daughters who normally hesitate to ask for their rights, and their families who don't bother to make sure that daughters get their share. Daughters need to prepare themselves for all the criticism and badmouthing, they need to believe that their rights are as important as their brother's rights. This will be a test of their patience, diplomatic skills, and courage, but in the end, this is their choice. After all, this is a question of their rights and no one can force them to do this if they don't want to, and the choice is entirely theirs. 

Thanks for reading and please share your views about this topic. 

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing] 

Links:
1. Daughter's rights in new amendment
2. Daughter’s rights in ancestral property in India
3. Property rights of Indian women By Shruti Pandey