There is a tradition, custom, or ritual of giving away the bride in Christian weddings, where the father walks the bride to the groom, so it's like a transfer of a daughter from a father to make her the wife of a husband. A similar ritual in Hindu marriages is Kanyadan (Kanya = daughter or girl, dan = donation, so literally it means donation of one's daughter). Both are symbolic rituals where the father gives away his daughter to a man to whom she is getting married. I have seen this ritual happening in all marriages that I attended. Such rituals and their significance are highlighted in many movies and books. The scenes about these rituals are often very emotional. Very few feel there is anything wrong with it (or there is any gender bias in these rituals). Even during my marriage, I witnessed this ritual. My father-in-law and mother-in-law together did this ritual, donating their daughter to me, telling me symbolically that this (girl) was in our possession till today and from today it's your property (or responsibility), and as a husband, I need to take care of her. There is nothing overtly offensive or objectionable in this entire process, after all, this is just a symbolic ritual, part of our culture and tradition, going on for centuries (like Baptism, Mundan (shaving off head), thread ceremony, etc.). We are supposed to respect and follow our traditions. After carefully looking at this process I disagree with this tradition. One of my friends said to me after the marriage of his daughter that while performing all those rituals as a father he felt that his daughter was now going away from him and he was giving away his daughter. It seems every ritual reminded him that now she belongs to some other family. This raised the question in my mind, why didn't my dad feel the same or would my friend feel the same during his son's marriage? The answer is No. After all, there is no ceremony called "giving away the groom" or "Putradan" (Putra = son) during marriage.
As I said the ceremony itself is very emotional and is performed at a very important junction of life. Marriage is a very important and emotional event for all involved in it and no one likes to question the rituals of marriage to avoid spoiling the mood and atmosphere of the function. I can understand this hesitation, I never objected to it as long as I was not aware of the gender discrimination aspect of this ritual, and even after becoming aware of this aspect, I never objected to this ceremony during any marriage for the same reason (not to cause any disturbance). But I wonder how come as a society we never object to such rituals. How do we never see anything wrong with practicing them? Is it just because they are part of something emotional and romantic event like marriage? Or as a society, we are still fine with gender discriminatory rituals like this which indirectly give secondary status to females?
Some traditions like this look harmless but they have a deep impact on the thinking and psyche of people. This is how husbands start thinking that wives are their property, no one tells them this, they just assume this from whatever is happening around them. We all become a part of this patriarchal system without even knowing it. That is why I feel we need to question any gender-discriminatory ritual, custom, or tradition like this. If these things are really needed, they must be modified to remove any gender discrimination. I have no idea what will happen during the marriage of my daughter, I will stand for my beliefs and will do what I believe is right. But at the same time, I don't force my ideas on anyone, she will be free to choose what path she likes. I can always register my protest and opposition but I also know that change will be slow and will require a lot of persistent effort. I know that I can't change things overnight but that doesn't mean I stop trying. Another reason people give me for not opposing such rituals is that they don't want to hurt their parents or elders by opposing or questioning these traditions and rituals. They claim that as their parents are so touchy or emotional about these rituals they do these things just to make them happy. Not wanting to hurt the sentiments of parents is a very noble thought, I don't think anyone willingly wants to hurt their parents, this is always the last option, but if we don't challenge discrimination within our own family we have no right to challenge it when others do the same thing. One needs to take a stand for what they believe is right. Sometimes it's not possible to bring the desired change without hurting someone's feelings. Many want to see the change but they do not want to start from their own family. They want the change but don't want the struggle associated with it. It's like they want to save their country from the enemy but do not want their kids to fight in a war, someone else's kid should do it because the life of their own kids is too precious to waste. Similarly, their parents are too sensitive to hurt their feelings, therefore, others should hurt their parents to bring change. This is not how social reforms happen, this is hypocrisy. I believe in Gandhi's sentence "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." Whoever understands the meaning of this sentence will relate to this post, for all others, it might sound offensive, anti-tradition, or anti-religion.
As I said the ceremony itself is very emotional and is performed at a very important junction of life. Marriage is a very important and emotional event for all involved in it and no one likes to question the rituals of marriage to avoid spoiling the mood and atmosphere of the function. I can understand this hesitation, I never objected to it as long as I was not aware of the gender discrimination aspect of this ritual, and even after becoming aware of this aspect, I never objected to this ceremony during any marriage for the same reason (not to cause any disturbance). But I wonder how come as a society we never object to such rituals. How do we never see anything wrong with practicing them? Is it just because they are part of something emotional and romantic event like marriage? Or as a society, we are still fine with gender discriminatory rituals like this which indirectly give secondary status to females?
Some traditions like this look harmless but they have a deep impact on the thinking and psyche of people. This is how husbands start thinking that wives are their property, no one tells them this, they just assume this from whatever is happening around them. We all become a part of this patriarchal system without even knowing it. That is why I feel we need to question any gender-discriminatory ritual, custom, or tradition like this. If these things are really needed, they must be modified to remove any gender discrimination. I have no idea what will happen during the marriage of my daughter, I will stand for my beliefs and will do what I believe is right. But at the same time, I don't force my ideas on anyone, she will be free to choose what path she likes. I can always register my protest and opposition but I also know that change will be slow and will require a lot of persistent effort. I know that I can't change things overnight but that doesn't mean I stop trying. Another reason people give me for not opposing such rituals is that they don't want to hurt their parents or elders by opposing or questioning these traditions and rituals. They claim that as their parents are so touchy or emotional about these rituals they do these things just to make them happy. Not wanting to hurt the sentiments of parents is a very noble thought, I don't think anyone willingly wants to hurt their parents, this is always the last option, but if we don't challenge discrimination within our own family we have no right to challenge it when others do the same thing. One needs to take a stand for what they believe is right. Sometimes it's not possible to bring the desired change without hurting someone's feelings. Many want to see the change but they do not want to start from their own family. They want the change but don't want the struggle associated with it. It's like they want to save their country from the enemy but do not want their kids to fight in a war, someone else's kid should do it because the life of their own kids is too precious to waste. Similarly, their parents are too sensitive to hurt their feelings, therefore, others should hurt their parents to bring change. This is not how social reforms happen, this is hypocrisy. I believe in Gandhi's sentence "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." Whoever understands the meaning of this sentence will relate to this post, for all others, it might sound offensive, anti-tradition, or anti-religion.
Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.
[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]
Links:1. Giving Away the Bride: Traditions and Alternatives
2. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kanyadan
3. Gaudaan... Vastradaan... Annadaan... Bhoodaan... Kanyadaan?
Very nicely expressed thoughts ! And I absolutely agree to each word of it. But as you mentioned, have always found it very difficult to oppose to it, just due to the fear that even my closest ones are so much in agreement of this tradition.
ReplyDeleteThis ritual for sure has no harm associated to it, if taken just as a ritual, but when it starts to govern minds, girls are the one who are treated as a property....who in turn starts treating the husbands family as her own. I doubt if the boys ever get that feeling about the girl's family.
Thanks a lot Neha for sharing your views on this topic. I agree with you that many times it's very difficult to oppose such traditions because many people from our own family see nothing wrong in practicing it but these traditions unknowingly condition many people's minds and they develop certain type of attitude towards particular gender or social group (casteism), that's why we need to oppose them. I also like other point which you raised about husband not treating his wife's family like his own, I think I myself have to improve in this area as I have very limited interaction with my wife's family compared to my own (actually both are my own families now but social norms make this distinction very clear, that's why I used terms like my own family and my wife's family), thanks a lot for pointing this out.
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