How to become a perfect parent?

I am sure you found the title of this post interesting, and the title might be the only reason you are reading this. I am a parent of two kids who are now in their twenties. I can tell you from experience that parenting is a tough job. No parent knows that frustration and failures would be an integral part of this job before becoming a parent. They struggle, find it hard to deal with their kids, and try to seek advice from various places thinking that others must have figured this out. Many parents of young kids come to me and my wife for parenting advice and they think we must have figured this thing out. Let me clear one misunderstanding first, there is nothing like a perfect parent, they don't exist. Every parent makes mistakes and they struggle a lot. As a parent, we lose our patience, yell at our kids, get frustrated, say things we don't really mean, and regret later on, get too busy, and miss some school functions or meetings, the list can go on but I think you get my point. So, even though there is nothing like a perfect parent, each parent can improve based on their interactions with their kids and can try to be a better parent. As there is no perfect parent, there is also no perfect kid. Both, parents and kids, are learning from each other. This is the key to parenting, learning from each of our mistakes, and learning from our kids. Our kids tell us something valuable during each argument, each unpleasant or pleasant interaction, and don't miss that lesson.

Restarting the conversation is one essential technique every parent must know. Especially, after having a heated argument it is not easy to restart the conversation on a positive or normal note. A very common mistake parents make is to restart in a condescending manner. They want to tell their child how fortunate the kids are compared to them to have all the privileges and freedom. Once you start on the wrong foot, it really doesn't matter what you say afterward, your child is not going to tune in to that conversation and your good intentions really don't matter at this point. In most cases, the next generation has more privileges and freedoms compared to the previous generation. So, our kids having the same is not a big deal, it's not their fault, and as a parent, we should not use this against them, especially, when they are most vulnerable. A parent must restart the conversation on a positive note treating their child as an equal, condescending tone is not going to help at all. Also remember that as a parent we always have an upper hand as kids depend on us, we should not use this advantage as an opportunity to preach on every occasion. Of course, they will listen, not because they want to, but because they have to. This is the one thing that has helped me the most, after every argument, I always go back and talk to my kids. I don't wait for them to come to me, I go to them. I want to understand their side, if they are not willing to talk at that moment, I come back later, but I never avoid an opportunity to listen to them. My doors are open whenever they are ready. Restarting while addressing unresolved issues is not easy that's why most parents avoid it, they pretend nothing happened. As a parent we try our best, we put our child's interests before us, at least that's what we feel we are doing, therefore, it is not easy to apologize to our child or to digest when our child calls us the worst parent of the world or says some other nasty thing. It is easy not to talk about such incidents or act as if nothing happened, but this doesn't help much. As parents, we need to acknowledge our mistakes explain our side to our children, and also try to understand their side and acknowledge their difficulties and struggles. Believe me, kids don't have an easy life, their struggles are as difficult as ours and are more complicated. As a parent, we should not be adding to their difficulties but try to help them to navigate through their difficulties. 

Another common mistake most parents make is that based on their own life experiences they think they know better than their kids. This may be true in certain situations but in most cases, our experience is useless for our kids. The generation gap is a real thing, and every parent needs to be aware of that gap. Our experiences belong to a certain time and era, and the lessons might be relevant, but our kids face completely different situations and challenges, and parents must try to understand these situations before going into their preaching mode. Don't be under foolish arrogance that just because you are older you are wiser than your kids, this is not going to help you in building a strong bond with your child. Your child will think that you are a jerk. So, be mindful when you undermine your child's views just because according to you they are young and immature. 

Parenting is tough but so is growing up. When we struggle as a parent to keep up with our children, our children also struggle to keep up with us. Parents should not undermine the struggles of their children just because they are finding it hard to juggle their own responsibilities. As a parent, if you need help, your kids can be a good source for that help, provided you sincerely seek that help. The parent's job is not only to love their child but also to trust them and give them freedom of choice. Give your kids a chance to help you and believe me you won't be disappointed. We can't become perfect parents, but we definitely can become better parents compared to yesterday. To become a better parent we need honest and unfiltered feedback and there is no better person than our child to get this feedback. Remember, every child acknowledges their parent's contributions at some point, they may even call us the best parents in the world, we better earn that praise rather than our child saying it just because everyone says it. Happy parenting.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

How did we get there?

My last post was about the effect of negative politics. Our society is getting increasingly siloed and polarized, that too in an era where information is available at our fingertips and we can connect with almost anyone, anywhere in the world who has access to the internet connection. How come we are so disconnected from each other when there are so many social media platforms available. We all need to ask at least one question to ourselves; how did we get there? 

Until recently, diversity was a desirable trait to have in our society. Initially, immigration was encouraged for cheap labor, but it resulted in bringing diversity to that society and such societies immensely benefitted from this phenomenon. Then, how come suddenly diversity became a bad thing? I feel we are convoluting diversity with threat, we are getting paranoid about our own perceived identities assuming that human culture is static and needs to be preserved from destruction. Anything different than our beliefs, culture, or political ideology is perceived as a threat rather than an opportunity to engage in conversation and learn something new. We are convoluting the opportunity to learn with the perception of threat. How did we get there? 

 
Human culture has always evolved, that's the only reason for our progress so far. If we compare any region, religion, culture, or country with what it was just a century ago, we will find how much it has changed. Agreed, now all changes are for good, but there are many positive changes. Most of these changes are the result of challenging the status quo, challenging old customs and traditions. Suddenly, it seems we are scared of change. We are scared to offer women their reproductive rights. We are scared to encourage diverse viewpoints related to sex, gender, sexual orientation, and many other topics. We are scared of social reforms that can help some of our fellow humans to live a dignified life. How did we get there?

Developed countries like the USA used to be a brave and experimental society. But it seems even we are now scared to experiment. We want to stick with every old tradition or belief no matter how negatively it affects some sections of our society. Issues like racism, casteism, and sexism that are universally condemned not only still exist in our societies, but they are openly used by popular politicians to appease their voter base and win elections. Social ills like racism, casteism, and sexism divide our society, they project diversity as a threat, not a strength. These things have resulted in suffering for large sections of our society for centuries. When we all agree that these divisive things are bad and must be condemned, I wonder how are we tolerating divisive politics that uses these things openly to divide us. How did we get there? 

Some of us detest and hate fellow humans just for who they are. They want to deprive others of living their lives on their own term. Somehow freedom to practice religion (which should be there) is considered as a more fundamental right than freedom to practice your sexual orientation. People are not angry by racist or bigotry comments by popular politicians but they are angry over the use of some pronouns. People are okay with voting for divisive and narcissistic leaders just because they feel their political agenda can be implemented. Despite having information and data, we are getting increasingly insensitive toward the social and emotional well-being of our fellow humans. How did we get there?

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

The effect of negative politics

Politics has been always a part of our lives. Whether we vote or not, support any political party or not, engage in political discussions or not, politics touches different realms of our lives, especially when it starts polarizing society to such an extent that there is no middle ground. You are assumed to be either with or against them. You will be assigned a side, even if you don't choose any. Actually, choosing a side is not bad, we must take a stand on issues. Neutrality doesn't solve any problems, it makes it worse. However, bracketing someone as a friend or enemy based on their stand is the problem. Extreme polarization is a direct effect of negative politics. This is a type of politics where a leader or a political party establishes their identity entirely based on their political opponent. The political opponent is no longer just a political rival but is categorized as an enemy of the state, and the same label is given to all its supporters. This is the type of politics where the party we support entirely evades any scrutiny as they want our attention only focused on our opponents. Each and every move of the opponent is highlighted as an antinational activity. No wonder such politics divides a country more than any enemy propaganda can. People start treating their political rivals as anti-nationals, each election is like a war against the enemy of the state rather than an election between ideologies. 

Now you may ask, what's new in all this? Political parties and their leaders were always attacking each other, political rivalries and heated arguments have been part of our culture for centuries, and political polarization existed before. And you are right. However, we were not as siloed as we are now. I was amazed to see how soloed people are. Nowadays, people read only a particular newspaper or watch only a particular news channel, and follow a particular movie star, not because they feel that's the best or most informative, but just because it supports their political ideology. People surround themselves with people who think and behave the same. How pathetic it is for the development of our society. We are hesitant to engage with people different than us and without any engagement we have very strong opinions about them. In an era where information is easily accessible to a large population, we chose to live in echo chambers. In an era where we know most about gender equality, different sexualities, and different facets of human life, many of us chose to close our eyes and ears and think that the regressive society of 100 years back was a better place than today's society. 

Does all this make me angry, frustrated, sad, or all three? Well, sometimes. But mostly I feel pity. I feel pity for all who only define themselves based on their perceived political enemies without having their own identity. I feel pity for all those who refuse to accept the feelings and choices of their fellow humans and resent or hate them just for who they are. I feel pity, not because I feel I am more intelligent or better informed than them, but because they have access to the same information that I used to refine and update my views but they refuse to do it. I had very dated views about many social and political issues as came from an underprivileged background and access to information was not easy. But when that access became available I used it to check each and every value and opinion that I held on to so dearly. Many of them couldn't stand that scrutiny, the choice I had was to stick to my old beliefs and refuse to change or accept that many things that I learned from my culture were regressive and I should change. I am glad that I chose to change. This is why I can now recognize the negative politics and stay away from it. I am optimistic that people will come out of their siloed chambers and recognize and appreciate the diversity of our world. Imagine having the same color, same pattern, same leader, same song, same ideology, and same gender, and the same everything around. How unreal and unnatural that world will look. The negative politics wants us to desire just that, a society without any diversity, be aware, and act accordingly. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

The moon landing and debris of the livelihood - the same country, two different pictures

On 23 August 2023, the Indian Space Research Organization (ISRO) successfully put a lander and a rover (Chandrayaan-3) near the south pole of the Moon. The entire world celebrated this scientific achievement and India rightfully highlighted its scientific capabilities through this achievement. Many Indians celebrated this event in their own way, my brother, who runs a small business, a sweet shop, also celebrated this by distributing two free jalebis (a popular Indian sweet) to all customers who visited his shop the next day of the landing. The same shop from which he earns his livelihood and supports his family, the same shop where he celebrated his country's marvelous scientific achievement, was ruthlessly demolished by the same country's government machinery whose success he was celebrating just a few days back. However, this is not the post about Chandrayaan-3 or my brother's loss. This is the story of India which on one side celebrates the achievements of some and then crushes the livelihoods of some who try their best to support their families by whatever means available to them. 

The businesses that were demolished were present on private property but their fault was that they didn't have all the required papers or permits. So, instead of charging the fines, making sure that proper permits are procured, or dragging them into a court of law, the government thought the best mode of action was to demolish those properties without any due process. And this all happened in this century, that too in the country that calls itself the biggest democracy in the world. To tell you the truth, this is not the first time I have seen this happening. We have lived under the threat of demolition for more than 25 years in our home in Pune, India. The reason was the same, lack of proper government documentation. The home was built on the land purchased by my father but he couldn't obtain proper permits due to his lack of knowledge and also as no one else in that neighborhood had any permits. However, our home was never demolished as we had protection from the local politician, and that home still stands there even today, but we have seen other homes and shops getting demolished. Some of these demolitions were for land encroachment where people encroach on government land. At least such demolitions are somewhat justified as the land belonged to the government, but that's an exception and not the norm, most of these demolitions involve properties built on privately owned land. Such demolitions destroy families, as most of the time they invest their entire fortune to build that structure. For some it's their only home, for some, it's their only source of income, some take hefty loans to set up that business, some sell their lands and jewelry to raise money to build their dream home. Once such property gets destroyed these people have nowhere to go, their only shelter or livelihood is gone and the economic impact is so devastating that for most it is impossible to come out of the burden of debt and sense of total loss. Many times, these people get fooled by misleading or false promises by the land seller or their landlord, however, neither the landlord who rented or sold the land nor the government who demolished the property gets affected, and the only victim in all this is the family currently dependent on that property. 

The lander and rover of the Chandrayaan-3 mission are sending photos of the Moon and ISRO is proudly sharing them. Indians are happy as this was funded by their tax money. I wonder what my brother and many like him whose investments and dreams are demolished by the government machinery must be thinking while looking at those moon pictures and then looking at the debris of their hard work. Will they feel any happiness about this achievement that was supported by their tax money when the same tax money was used to destroy their shops? What message is one supposed to get when on one side the government claims to encourage entrepreneurship and then ruthlessly destroys the businesses of solo entrepreneurs? What the country's youth is supposed to do when unemployment is high and there is a serious threat of government actions Two completely different pictures, from the same country: one happy, another very sad; one looking at the future with enthusiasm, another worrying if they can have any future at all; one shared all over the world, another no one bothers to even check. The same country, the same taxpayers money, but completely different outcomes, one optimistic another ruthlessly dark and gloomy. 

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com