25 years of togetherness

Today is the 25th anniversary of our marriage. Reena and I got married on 31st May 1998. These 25 years of togetherness have been full of love, excitement, and many other things. I could not have asked for a better companion than Reena for this journey. This journey took us to places that none of us imagined we will go and threw a myriad of challenges that we faced together. She has not only been a committed wife, but also a friend, a critic, and a cheerleader for me. I don't know if we are made for each other, but definitely, we made each other.  

Just to be clear, it was not a fairy tale like they show in movies or we read in books. Ours was not love at first sight or any other love story where we have to struggle and fight with the system or with our families to get married. Ours was an arranged marriage. Even though it could be categorized as an arranged marriage, it was missing some essential ingredients of a typical arranged marriage. Reena's parents and my parents belonged to the same state, Uttar Pradesh (UP), hence my parents wanted to find a bride from UP even after knowing that none of their kids belonged to UP and share any social and cultural aspects of that state. So, I and Reena did not speak the same language, did not grow up in the same cultural and social settings, and did not share the same values. Normally, in a typical arranged marriage bride and groom share these common socio-cultural aspects, but we didn't. As expected, our start was not as smooth as anyone could have expected due to all these differences. Ours was not love at first sight, but it was love after many sights. But once the love entered it never left or got less, rather, it grew year by year and we are now in our 25th year of togetherness.

We tested and challenged each other on many fronts, before realizing that we really complement each other and then the ride together has been a journey full of excitement and joy. Of course, there were challenges and there will be more to come, but we know for sure that we have each other to face them. The key to our togetherness was transparency and trust. We are so different than each other that we cannot live together without this trust and transparency. We are very different, even after 25 years, each one of us has parts of our lives where the other is not required, and we respect that. We know our differences and don't try to change each other. Husband and wife are not a single entity, they are two different individuals who agree and decide to live together, there is no need for one to dissolve in another to make this relationship a success. This is a simple philosophy that we follow and it has been working great so far. I hope people who want to be in a relationship realize the importance of protecting each other's individuality and personal space. If you don't respect these things about your partner, you don't respect that person, and without respect, there is no love. Marriages can survive without love, marriage is just a legal contract nothing more without love and respect. But if you want marriage to be something more than a legal contract, something more than a way to have a display for society, there needs to be mutual respect, trust, and transparency, I am glad that we managed to achieve that. Most marriages come with patriarchal conditioning where the husband has an upper hand and ours was no different. It took a lot of work from both of us to negate this burden and create our own dynamics that had no precedence in our family or culture, but I am glad that we did that and never followed the status quo. I thank Reena for accepting this challenge and making this work, I know it was not easy for her, but she not only accepted the challenge but added new dimensions to it. The journey continues and I am looking forward to our next phase with equal excitement and awe.   

Happy anniversary Reena, and thank you for allowing me to be me.

Thank you for reading and please share your story of togetherness with others, it may inspire more such stories. 

©Vinay Thakur,  Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

My first film-set experience

I love movies, this love started in childhood and still going on strong. Movies were the only entertainment that was available for free. India's national TV channel, Doordarshan, the only TV channel back then, used to telecast three movies per week, one in Hindi, one in Marathi (because we lived in Maharashtra where most people speak Marathi), and one in any other regional language. I tried to watch all three, even though we did not have our own TV set until my teenage years. I watch all kinds of movies, thanks to Doordarshan days as we could not select which movie to watch whatever was telecasted was a movie of our choice and we enjoyed it. 

However, I never got a chance to visit a movie set to see how actual movies are shot. I always wondered why there is a long list of people in the end credits and why moviemaking needs to involve so many people. My dream was fulfilled and most questions were answered this month. On May 23, I got to participate as an extra on the sets of a movie called ReEntry. My daughter, Sara, is working in the production unit of this movie and she told me that they needed some extras for a scene, I gladly volunteered and I am glad that I did. It was such an amazing and unforgettable experience to see the process and hard work that goes into moviemaking from such close quarters. We got to interact with the writer, assistant directors, production assistants, and other extras. Even though moviemaking is a group effort, movies are the director's medium. The director controls shots on the set, of course, there is a team to support the director, but the director is the captain of the team. There are so many things going on on the sets starting from arranging chairs to managing expensive camera units, food also has to be arranged for all people working on the set, it is amazing to see how all this works and how there is some system in what looks like chaos from the outside. Without passion and love, apart from actors I don't think people can work longer in the moviemaking profession. There is too much hassle and mental and physical work, without all the fame and love that only actors and a few others like really successful directors, producers, and writers get. Most people who do all the hard work are mentioned in the end credits the audience hardly cares to watch, but now I know that their contribution is equally important and many times is the reason why the movie looks so great. These are the people who make errands to get the mint that actors need before their intimate scene, they make sure that the lead actor's demands are fulfilled so that they are focused on giving a great shot, and they make sure extras are there on the set and are ready whenever a shot is ready, they make sure retakes are taken without any problem or boredom. A film set is an amusement park in itself, where many things happen and one can feel like being in a wonderland. My experience of witnessing filmmaking was great. This experience has made me appreciate the movies even more. Now, even after watching a bad movie, I can appreciate the efforts behind making it. Now, I feel that every movie deserves applause just for all the hard work the entire film crew puts in to make that movie and bring it to the audience.  

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

©Vinay Thakur,  Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

We may never know the truth

We all need some basic ideas to build our principles and values. We strongly believe that our values and ideals are based on the truth and we base our entire value system on that perceived truth. In reality, the truth can change, and new evidence can counter or even prove them wrong, what is considered true today may not be true tomorrow in light of new evidence. This has happened in the past and may happen in the future too. Only religion can afford to have this rigid attitude and survive, most religions propagate things as eternal truths, things that cannot be questioned, and people believe them without any evidence. The interesting part is that people always want religions other than the one they follow to demonstrate their belief system with evidence but don't expect the same from their own religion. Another funny thing is that all religions claim that they are based on scientific facts without even providing any verifiable evidence about them. However, no matter what any religion says or what our belief system is, we should appreciate the fact that we may never know the real truth. We can only base our judgment on all the evidence and data we have today and be ready to accept new evidence if it counters our current set of values. This approach is what scientists take when they are performing their research, there is a hypothesis, but it may or may not be true based on the data collected after performing related experiments. Rigidity with our values causes polarization, hurt sentiments, and even communal riots. Why? Just because someone feels my belief system is better than someone else's, people kill each other just because of a difference of opinion. Humans are supposed to be intelligent and thinking creatures, and such acts challenge this notion. Whoever claims to know everything is the most ignorant person, no book on this planet has answers to all questions, there are many great books and many more will come, but they all are books, written by some human expressing their ideas or opinions, nothing more. Therefore, please accept the fact that we may never know the truth and be humble and kind. Be amenable to the fact that what we believe so passionately today may be proven wrong. This will be our greatest contribution towards preserving humanity and evolving our species one more step ahead of animals.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

©Vinay Thakur,  Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com

Human fetish for permanency

Since smartphones have become integral parts of our lives most of us have got into the habit of capturing every moment on camera. Even people who go to watch stage shows, concerts, or movies try to take pictures of the show or theater to capture those moments with their cameras. I was trying to do the same while watching a beautiful sunset, the place is immaterial as we give too much importance to places, but it was a beautiful sunset. While clicking pictures I realized that nature doesn't try to keep anything permanent, this beautiful sunset will last for a few minutes and will fade away permanently and there will be again something equally stunning tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. It is we, humans who try to fix things and define beauty by those fixed standards, nature doesn't care, every day it creates something new, and every moment it erases something permanently. Nature doesn't have a Monalisa portrait because it doesn't need it, it can create a new beauty every day, every moment. What we see today didn't exist a few thousand years ago and what will exist after thousand years we can't see today. Human fetish for permanency has created so much chaos that we try to memorialize every moment of our lives as if there won't be another equally wonderful moment. One can understand capturing a few special moments like both, weddings, funerals, and a few more, but we try to capture our lunches, dinners, and even breakfasts. Even after knowing that we should be enjoying the present moment to the fullest, we get busy creating memories for the future while that magical moment is happening right in front of us. Photos and videos are nice, but they are not a substitute for enjoying the present moment. Enjoy many and capture few, capture first and enjoy letter rarely works, just check how many photos and videos that you recorded by spending countless hours you rewatched. 

Please take a pause and enjoy the surroundings, look at it without the camera lens and try to capture it in your mind, smell the air and feel light, experience the atmosphere, and feel the warmth of love and joy of having people around you.

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

©Vinay Thakur,  Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com  

Restless mind

The human brain is a complex organ. We still don't understand it completely, but we know about it much better than any of our previous generations. Many of us have a restless mind, I am one of them. Often, it is hard to control our thinking, the more we try to control the more mind resists, and the more we try to stop, the more it persists. A restless mind or a continuous unending stream of thoughts can be a challenging and exhausting experience. This affects our ability to focus or concentrate and may induce a feeling of being overwhelmed and stressed. Fortunately, there are ways to deal with the restless mind, it's not a one-time fix or a permanent cure, we need to practice whatever works for us regularly. 

One of the main reasons for a restless mind is stress. Stress could be a result of lack of sleep or some other factors. When we experience stress, our body releases cortisol, a hormone that prepares us for the fight-or-flight response. This hormone and the corresponding response are very necessary for our survival, this is how humans survived many attacks in the past and prevented our species from getting extinct. However, in today's world, this can lead to a racing mind as our thoughts become focused on perceived but not actual threats or problems. Our minds can become overstimulated and unable to focus on a single thing. Racing thoughts are not easy to handle. 

A chronic restless mind could have far-reaching effects. It may affect our ability to focus on work or study effectively, as our concentration and attention span are affected. It can also lead to anxiety and depression as we may become overwhelmed by the constant stream of negative thoughts and emotions. It may also affect our personal lives by affecting our relationships as we may struggle to be present while being with others, this may cause us to become irritable or easily frustrated. Also, we may need something to constantly distract our mind so that it doesn't get trapped in a negative stream of emotions, this can lead to more restlessness.

Fortunately, there are some strategies that we can develop that can help us to manage a restless mind. One of the strategies is to focus on the present moment and observe the thoughts without judgment. As I mentioned, the more we resist, the more it persists. So, allowing our thoughts to flow without getting affected by them results in some calmness as we are not trying to react to every thought that comes to our minds. This can help to reduce stress and calm the mind. Thoughts will come and go, but we just observe them without any judgment. It is difficult to do, but one can learn this by practice. Many also benefit from mindfulness meditation, it is basically the same thing, observing our mind without any judgment, but is a different setting with some set routine. People who try to control their minds by controlling the flow of thoughts often fail to get the benefits of meditation. I agree with the fact that meditation does not work for everybody, but if you are struggling with a restless mind, it is worth a shot. Another strategy is physical exercise. It doesn't have to be a gym workout of tracking, a simple half an hour walk is enough to reduce stress and improve clarity. Getting enough sleep is also an important factor, but if we work on other aspects sleep pattern automatically improves as lack of enough sleep is most of the time related to some other habits that impact our sleep directly or indirectly. If there is no change in the restlessness of the mind even after trying all this, then it is important to get professional help. There are many options like wellness counseling, therapy, and mindfulness sessions, that can help. A mental health professional can also provide some additional strategies that are not listed here to manage the symptoms of a restless mind and improve overall mental health.  

A restless mind can become challenging and exhausting if no attention is given, it is important to acknowledge it and take suitable steps to manage it. There is no one size fits all solution for this, humans are very complex organisms and we need to find what works best for us. All of us face some mental health-related issues, there is nothing wrong in acknowledging them and taking necessary steps to manage them, it helps to improve our overall mental health.     

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur, All rights reserved, Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com 

Effect of gender equality on relationships

Like our society, our personal relationships are also heavily influenced by patriarchal traditions. As feminist movements are pushing for more gender equality, it is bound to affect our personal relationships. Exploitation, domestic abuse, and toxic relationships are all results of gender inequality where one partner dominates and exploits another partner. Due to the patriarchal nature of our world in most of these cases victims of exploitation are females. 

Patriarchy is a default setting for all of us, we all are born in patriarchy, it is the system that has been prevalent in all cultures, societies, and countries for centuries. Generations have lived in patriarchy and there is a strong social, cultural, and religious culture that propagates it in various ways. We don't have to do anything special to propagate patriarchy, it exists around us, and we all become part of it as that's the culture we inherit in all societies. Individual families sometimes may differ, but even those families live in societies that are patriarchal. The patriarchal mindset has been challenged by the gender equality movement, also called feminism. Feminism has challenged gender discrimination at every level and in this process, it has also affected the dynamics of male-female relationships. For most men, it is not easy to live with a strong-minded and/or opinionated woman. Men not only feel threatened but also feel the loss of power and control of the relationship that they had for centuries. At the same time, it is a big challenge for women to find a partner who understands the changed dynamics and is comfortable with the situation that none of our previous generations encountered as far as male-female relationships are concerned. This is also why many men are hesitant to say that they are feminists, they mistakenly feel that they are subscribing to some ideology like communism or capitalism, they completely miss the point that feminism is not about any ideology but it is about gender equality, nothing more. 

When one partner shares his/her complaints and expresses what he/she expects the other partner to improve or do, this should be treated as an invitation to make that relationship stronger, not as a sign of a dysfunctional relationship. Ignoring this invitation is a sign of the dismissal of the other partner's feelings. Couples argue over many things, and the more candid the relationship more arguments as two reasonable people can have different views on many subjects. This is also why many couples go for counseling. There are increased rates of divorce not because couples are fighting more but because females are more aware of their needs and rights. The current generation of females is more financially independent than any other previous generations of females in the history of humankind. As females are getting more independent they are less tolerant of misogynist and patriarchal behavior. They object more and take firm stands, and they are not hesitant to walk out of a toxic relationship. This has resulted in more standoffs between couples, and I don't see this necessarily as a bad thing. Previously, females had no bargaining power in a relationship because of their financial dependence. Women were forced to stay in a relationship devoid of any love and respect just because there never used to be an option to leave. Feminism and financial independence have provided more independence for women, they don't have to be in a relationship where there is nothing but exploitation for them. The shift of bargaining power, increased financial independence, and the ability to walk away if the situation doesn't improve are three of the biggest effects of gender equality on relationships. 

Candid conversations in a relationship and expressing each other's concerns and complaints is a good thing. This is a sign of a functional and breathing relationship where partners are not silent over things that matter to them. As females are becoming more vocal, more debates happen in any balanced relationship. However, this exchange requires some amount of maturity and understanding from both sides. No one likes to have endless arguments and go in circles. When two people feel that they both are right and the other is wrong, there is a need for a third objective person who can help to decide which direction to move, hence therapy and counseling help in these situations. Even after seeking professional help and giving their best, if a couple can't find any common ground, then it is better to move on rather than stay together and resent each other. Expressing our complaints and what we need from our partner is not nagging or putting a strain on our relationship, rather it is an invitation to make that relationship stronger. If we can't accept this invitation then it is better to have an open discussion to see if there is any common ground or if both need to go in different directions. Not all things need to work, but at the same time, not all breakups need to be ugly and messy. Life is a beautiful gift from nature, if we can avoid resentment and grudge we should choose that path rather than moving on with bitterness. Respect disagreements, learn to listen and understand before you speak and counter, try to get an objective opinion before you conclude, and move on with a positive note before you slam the door shut. It may be hard to deal with gender equality but if you give it a chance you won't regret it.   

Thank you for reading and please share your views on this topic. 

© Vinay Thakur,  Vinay can be reached at thevinay2022@gmail.com