No one said sorry to my Nani

The title of this post is slightly confusing as it does not convey the subject matter of the post clearly. Who was or is Nani? Why anyone should have said sorry to her? If at all anything wrong happened to her, why didn't she expect an apology? These are some of the questions that might come to the reader's mind after reading the title of this post. Nani was my mother's mom, in the part of India where my parents came mother's mother is called Nani, and mother's father called Nana. I have not seen my Nana as he died very young, even my mom does not remember seeing her father as she was just a few months old when he died in a boat accident in the river Ganga near her village in the state of Uttar Pradesh. This was the first tragedy that struck my Nani and her life changed permanently after this tragedy. I do not know how old was she when my Nana died, my guess is she was in her teens as people used to get married quite young during those times. The death of Nana left my Nani only with her daughter to look after. There was no chance of remarriage. In that society, it was an unthinkable idea for a woman to get remarried after the death of her husband. If she had been a man, for example, my Nana, then it would have been not only easy but the entire family would have forced him to remarry. However, this option was not there for my Nani. No one even thought that there was any need for her to remarry even though she didn't have any source of income and was not educated so that she could work on her own to take care of her daughter. No one thought that this young girl also deserved to live a normal life like any other girl of her age. No one thought that it was not Nani's fault that her husband died in an accident at such a young age. No one thought that she should get a chance to restart her life. No one thought that it is wrong to force a young girl to spend her entire life without a life partner. I don't think even my Nani thought that it was proper to remarry, she just accepted her fate and continued her colorless, joyless, celebrationless life.  

I remember my Nani only wearing plain sarees, she never wore any makeup or fancy clothes. Also, I never saw her pallu coming off her head (pallu is the part of sari which women os that part us to cover their head and sometimes face). Nani always used to cover her head even in front of kids which other women never used to do. My Nana had four other siblings, and it was a joint family for a long time, Nani became part of one of the brothers' family and she took the responsibility for taking care of that household. She used to work very hard. I think that's how she maintained her relevance. She used to do all the daily chores and look after the kids of that family. My mom also became part of that family and it was a mutually beneficial existence. She was happy to see her daughter getting married and especially happy that her daughter had three kids, that too all boys. We used to visit her during our summer vacations and she used to treat us like the prince of some kingdom. No one in the entire village could say anything to us, no matter what we do, and if someone dared to say something, Nani would create havoc. She used to defend us like a lioness, this shows that she was not afraid of people or society or scared of arguing if she wanted to. She just didn't know that she had any rights and, hence never argued for herself the way she did for us. Even when my Nana's joint family divided their familial assets Nani did not get any share. Even though technically Indian law allows for a share for a daughter and a widow, Nani didn't get any, and it is not still uncommon for not giving a share in familial assets to daughters or widows without any son in many parts of India. She did not protest against this illegal act and gross injustice because she thought that without her husband and any son, she had no right to ask for any share in the family property. It seemed as far as personal rights were concerned, she didn't exist, neither for herself nor for society. The day her husband died her life became devoid of any self-enjoyment, for the rest of her life all she cared about was her daughter and grandkids.

WHY? Why did this happen to her and many women like her? Only one answer comes to my mind, just because she was a woman without a living husband and her only child was also a woman, there was no question of giving any property share. I know many Indians will not like this answer, especially when a country claims that it worships women. No doubt, women are worshipped in India, but it is also true that they are not given equal rights and freedom, they are discriminated against and judged with different standards. I did not see any man who lost his wife at such a young age living a life that my Nani lived. Also, it would be wrong only to single out India for such a discriminatory attitude towards women, but I grew up in India and I know from my personal experiences that gender discrimination is rampant there and I do not see any point in justifying it in name of culture, traditions or even offering an excuse other countries also do it.

Some traditions are bad and there can be no justifications for them, and my Nani was the victim of many such traditions. The problem was neither she nor the people around her thought that those were terrible traditions, their culture was deeply flawed. People sympathized with her, felt bad about her husband's untimely death, tried to help her as much as they could, and respected her, but they never thought that there could be an alternative to the life in which so-called traditions, religion, and culture forced her to live. Traditions and culture were more important than the right of a woman to live a normal life. As I grew older, I came to know about other women who lost their husbands at a much younger age than my Nani, some even didn't get to see the faces of their husbands and lived their entire lives as a widow of a man who they didn't even know personally. No one said sorry to my Nani for all this, I don't think she even expected an apology, and this is the ultimate tragedy. My Nani was not only the victim of this openly discriminatory and abusive culture of patriarchy which was supported by religion and traditions, but she was also a propagator of it. She didn't think whatever was forced on her was a fault of religion or culture. She was made to believe and she did believe that it was all her destiny's fault or something bad she did in the last birth that unfortunate things happened with her. This is how patriarchy survived so long, by taking support from religion and turning its victims also into supporters who were not only made to believe in that system but were brainwashed to willingly abide by it.

Nani passed away when I was in my first year of college. Her death didn't impact me that much as I was too naive and young to understand the impact of her loss. But on my subsequent visits, I realized that my maternal village was never the same for me after her death. I missed her presence there, without her I felt like an orphan, it's not like I was not welcomed there, her legacy is such that people still remember her and offer lots of love to me just because I am her grandson, but she was not there, and I always notice that. And as I know about it, it also reminds me of the gross injustice which happened to her. I am grateful to her for one thing which could have changed the course of my life. When it was clear that she wouldn't live long, people started coming to her with my marriage proposals thinking that if Nani said yes, no one could object to it. Nani did want to see the marriage of her grandson, one of the rare occasions of happiness in her life, why she would want to miss that. My mom told me that Nani was really happy to see that many so-called rich or respected people from her society were coming with marriage proposals and a good amount of dowry, but she refused all of them. Nani told them that my grandson is in college and he is going to become a "saheb" (a generic term used by her for educated people). I can't imagine how my life would have turned out if I had got married at the age of 18. I do not know how she avoided the temptation of witnessing her grandson's marriage? But I am eternally grateful to her for this.

As I grew older and read more about discrimination against women in various societies, I realized the injustice that happened with my Nani, I felt sorry for her, not because she didn't remarry, marriage is a personal choice and it's understandable if a person does not want to remarry after losing his or her partner, but because she was not allowed to enjoy even simple joys of life like wearing fancy clothes, having fun by forgetting that a big tragedy happened in her life. All symbols around her and her own appearance were tailored to remind her every moment about her tragedy, this was a psychological abuse that she tolerated for her most of life and I am sorry for that. No one said sorry to Nani, maybe she did not even expect it, and maybe none of the people who find all kinds of justifications for that discriminatory and suppressive culture will ever apologize to her as they might feel that nothing wrong happened to her, and it was all her destiny to endure all the pain and suffering, but I must say sorry to her, sorry for not understanding and acknowledging her sufferings and sorry for being part of that culture which made her to go through all this. I am determined to change that culture and challenge each and every tradition that discriminates. I know this journey is long and challenging, but I can at least do this much in her memory so that no one at least in my family suffers the same way she did.

Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic. 

Civility- It's not too much to ask for

Civility is about respect and courteous behavior towards others. In today's world, it not only applies to our immediate surroundings like home, and office, but also to social media or the virtual world where most of us spend considerable time interacting with others. During any discussion or argument, all it takes just one person acting rudely to poison the atmosphere. If allowed to continue or ignored, bad behavior of one person could impact the behavior of an entire group which might result in bullying or harassment of certain individuals or groups. If you scan atmosphere on the social media or even some social gatherings where people are prone to discuss politics or religion you will realize that civility is becoming increasingly rare. People are not only becoming aggressive about pushing their own opinions on others but they are becoming rude and openly disrespectful towards each other. Is civility too much to ask for?

In any group, society, or country it is normal to have different opinions, some opinions can be radically different from each other. Some of these opinions might be against the beliefs of the majority, might even sound disgusting to some of us, or challenge some of our core beliefs but even after all this, such opinions need to be given space so that they can be a part of debates and discussions. Suppressing any opinion or view does not make it go away, rather, if suppressed, it can take the form of an underground movement and we may never know when it might end. Therefore, civility is important during any interaction, personal or public. Civility ensures a healthy environment for interaction, it allows for the exchange of ideas and a chance to understand each other without being judgemental from the beginning. Personally, I started pointing at people whenever they crossed the line and started acting like a bully during any discussion, many don't like it, but I feel the necessity of doing it. So, please remember whenever you are part of any discussion check if it is being conducted in a civil manner where each and every member is encouraged to share their view, whether proper space is provided for alternate views or they are shouted and shut down. Ask yourself, am I acting in a civil manner, please remember, rudeness is contagious, but so is civility.

Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic. 

Thank you Pappa for teaching me the value of hard work

I call my father "Pappa" or "Seth." Most of you know that many address their father as Pappa, but what about Seth? I call him Seth because he owns a shop, and in Hindi, Marathi, or Bhojpuri shop owners are addressed as sethjee, that's why some of us in our family started calling him Seth. But this post is not about various titles that one can give to their parents, but it is about some very important lessons that Pappa taught me, the most important was the value of hard work. Pappa by his own example taught me that there is no substitute for hard work, there are no shortcuts. His story is very interesting as well as inspiring.

After finishing high school, Pappa moved from his home town Bhadohi in the northern state of Uttar Pradesh to Pune to work in a factory (Vanaz Pvt. Ltd.). While working in Vanaz, he built a small house, put us in a reasonably good school, and had a stable job. Suddenly in the late 1980s, the company for which he worked for more than a decade started facing financial hardships, and it decided to offer a voluntary retirement scheme or the option of continuing working on a reduced salary to its workers. Pappa took the option of VRS and he started a dairy-sweet shop in 1989, investing all the money which he received from VRS. He never had any previous experience in this sector.  I still do not know why he chose this business, I must ask him, I am also curious, why dairy and sweet, among various other choices. It was a risky move, especially with three young kids to support. The area of Pune where he opened his shop was not that populated that's why he could buy that shop with whatever money he had. Today that shop is known as Pankaj Sweets, a well-known place in that area for sweats and snacks, but this was after years of work by Pappa.

Since the day he opened the shop, I saw him working tirelessly to build its reputation, and sales, earning customers' trust, and loyalty and making it a reliable brand. He used to get up around 5AM and work until 10PM every day, 365 days a year, without taking even a single vacation. Many times, he never even got time to go home for lunch, I or my brother used to take a lunch box for him to eat at the shop. He also used to delegate the responsibility of the shop to us since we were kids, he had no option, as there was no one else to help him. This taught us a few important lessons and also allowed us to see his hard work and struggle firsthand. Pappa did this for many years, actually, he followed this routine until my youngest brother started helping him out regularly and eventually took over the management of the shop. Still, he goes to the shop regularly, he just cannot keep himself away from the action. He also taught me that no work is small or big, and one can learn anything if one is willing to put in the required effort. He used to do everything at our shop, starting from sweeping the shop, cleaning floors, washing utensils, working in the shop's kitchen, managing sales, keeping books, and doing all business transactions. He acted like a one-man army. I never saw him shying away from doing any work if it was necessary for the day-to-day operations of his shop. This is another valuable lesson that I learned from him. Watching Pappa work so passionately towards something under uncertainty about what is there for us in the future, especially when there was no one who was traveling the same path that he chose was really something special, not everyone gets a chance to witness something like this in their own family. People who get such a chance are lucky to learn some valuable lifelong lessons and I am proud to say that I am one of them.

I learned quite a few important lessons from this phase of my life. First, if you believe in yourself, don't worry even if no one is following the path you want to follow, trust your instincts and give your best, chances of success are high. Second, there is no substitute for hard work, no point in looking for shortcuts, just focus on your goal and work towards it tirelessly, hard work towards your goal has its own fun and reward. Third, destiny favors risk-takers, if you waste too much time thinking and calculating you might miss the opportunity and it may never come again, so be brave, and take your chances. And the last one, unless your mission becomes your passion, nothing changes in your life. I saw Pappa demonstrating these lessons for me. Many times, we look towards so-called celebrities and successful people for motivation and inspiration even though we can find it within our own family or immediate surroundings. I am lucky to have a few people around me who motivated and inspired me and Pappa is definitely one of them. I and he do not agree on many points, our political and social views differ drastically but that does not stop me from admiring his certain qualities which I appreciate and aspire to learn. Thank you Pappa for everything that you did for me, especially thank you for teaching me the value of hard work.

Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic. 

Argument vs. Discussion

Debates, discussions, and arguments are the ways by which any democratic and progressive society shares its ideas and views about various issues. These are the ways that we all use to exchange our thoughts, ideas, and concerns with each other. The main aim of these interactions is to try to share and understand each other's point of view. Debates normally happen in a very formal setting, but discussions and arguments are more informal, so informal that they can be a part of any social or family gathering. I am sure each one of us can relate to the fact that arguments and discussions have become such an integral part of our personal and professional lives we do not even realize how often we engage in such exchanges. With the invention and immense popularity of social media we are not even restricted by geographical boundaries, we can discuss or argue with anyone, anytime, from anywhere in the world. At the same time, with the internet, we have instant access to a vast amount of information, it is entirely up to us how much information we can consume. However, there is one question we need to ask, did all this improve the quality of our interactions with each other? No doubt, all the progress in technology did improve the number of our interactions. We do interact very often and with many more people, it was physically impossible without social media to keep in touch with so many people at the same time, that hurdle got removed, thanks to various social media platforms. But what about the quality of our interactions? Do we understand each other better? Are we more tolerant of each other's views? Do we have more consensus about certain political or social issues? OR, do we argue unnecessarily? Are we more polarized than ever? Do we only oppose each other on partisan lines but more venomously? Are we more segregated than united? I am sure if each one of us honestly asks these questions to ourselves, and seek honest answers, we might be able to improve the quality of our interactions and take full advantage of this unique opportunity provided to all of us by this amazing technological revolution for the betterment of our society.

Arguments and discussions are fundamental parts of any democratic society, they both serve unique purposes. Arguments are normally about asserting our own point and rebutting the other side's arguments, there is a confrontational premise from the beginning, both parties know that there is a difference of opinion and they are on opposite sides (debate is one such example of an argument is a very formal setting). However, the discussion is supposed to be more friendly and conducive where we try to understand other's points of view and explain our side to them. Both of them involve the give and take of thoughts, but the intentions and styles are different. In an argument we want the other side to accept that our point is more valid than their own point. However, in the discussion, the aim is not to convince but to understand each other, the intention behind the discussion is to explain our side and try to understand what's the logic and rationale behind the other side's views on the same topic. Discussions can be more useful in social settings than arguments to understand different views about the same topic. We first need to understand each other before we start arguing to convince each other who is right. Both arguments and discussions require certain skills, but the problem is that we all think that we have those skills and it's the other person who doesn't know how to argue or discuss. Let's reflect on our own behavior and try to discuss more and argue less. After all, if we all claim that we want to do something better for humanity then how come our common goals cannot even allow us to have a civilized discussion about any issue, no matter how sensitive that issue is.

Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic.