This year (2014) there was the 16th anniversary of my marriage. I can't believe that sixteen years have passed since I and Reena got married. When I look back I can't stop wondering how quickly time passes, it has been a beautiful and rewarding journey so far for me. I hope the same is true for Reena. Like many couples in India, ours was also an arranged marriage. This system is still very popular in India and even today most people get married via this method. The system of arranged marriage has its own pros and cons, one can have lengthy debates on this but this post is not about that, it is about my amazing journey with my wife who now is also my very good friend. We first began our journey as husband and wife and now we are like best friends, I believe that friendship is an integral part of any marital relationship.
Our journey together started when I was still doing my Ph.D. Anyone familiar with the life of a Ph.D. student would know how tough is that life. I was embroiled in long work days in the lab, a very tiring work schedule, and a life full of frustrations and uncertainties of research. It was not easy for Reena to adjust to this new life after marriage. I must say that she adjusted really well with all this and managed very well on her own. There was a learning curve for both of us. We both took some time to adjust to this new reality of life, it also took some time to understand each other. As it is for every marriage there were ups and downs in our married life also and we learned something from each of these phases. I am sure initially Reena must have felt a little unusual to find a person like me as her husband. A person who doesn't believe in going on honeymoon or on exotic holidays, who was so introverted that he would prefer to read a book rather than have a chat, a person so busy with his research work who worked even on weekends, who doesn't like to go out for dinner or watching movies. These are some of the traits that I used to have back then and my stressful research life added additional demands and complexities. I also offered very little help to her in fighting her battle to establish herself in a new city and new family. She did manage well without my help and I am really proud to say that she never even asked for my help after I made her clear that she should not expect any special treatment just because she is a woman and should fight her own battles. I am sure initially it was a big struggle for her as she was in a city where she didn't understand the local language. She learned Marathi quickly and learned so well that within a few months, she could communicate with my neighbors in Marathi. She also learned to do all official work related to banks and other things without my help. Some people might think that what a big deal if some woman can manage these things on her own. They are right, women should be doing this on their own but in my family they were not even allowed to go out of home alone, so, this was a great achievement. In India, ours is a joint family, I am sure it was not easy for her to adjust to this environment but she never complained, or expressed her displeasure towards anything and I really thank her for that.
When we moved to the US almost a decade back, it was the beginning of another new chapter in life for us. It was not only a new city but a new country, and a new culture and we did not know anyone there. Fortunately, we met very kind and helpful people here with whom we now have relationships like family and I must say that Reena was instrumental in nurturing all these relationships. Actually, I have no hesitation in saying that she is the person who makes me socially relevant, she is the main reason all guests feel welcome in our home. I am not that social person from the beginning. But Reena tries to remember what are likes and dislikes of my friends and then cooks that particular dish whenever they visit, she even remembers most people's birthdays and other important days (like marriage anniversaries) and reminds me to wish them. This quality of hers has played a very pivotal role in our survival in this new country which we now can call our second home. We successfully completed almost a decade here and I credit her a lot for this. Apart from her, there are other women like my mom, and my grandmas who played a very crucial role in my life. It is said that behind every successful man, there is a woman but I disagree with the phrasing of this statement. Why behind? They are always with them, these women are not behind me but they are with me, right beside me. We should say "With every successful man there is a woman." These women didn't play any secondary role in my life but their role was and still is a very primary role. So, Reena's contributions are as crucial as my own contributions, she shares my success equally and is as much responsible for it as I am.
Actually, one blog post is not enough to write about this amazing journey. I just want to express my thanks and gratitude towards her for being such an amazing partner. A very supportive and understanding partner is needed for a successful marriage. This is especially true when we have so many uncommon things between us. For example, we both belong to different states in India (each state has a different language and culture), and we both have very different views about religion and God (Reena considers herself religious and believes in Hinduism and I don't subscribe to any such values), our mother tongue's are also different, despite all these differences where some of them can destroy relationships our family is a bunch of happy people. I consider this as a big success. We don't try to force our views on each other and on our kids but try to encourage them to explore on their own and choose what they feel is good for them. Because of our unique backgrounds and exposure to different cultures, our kids have a variety of things which they can choose from. These all responsibilities and challenges in life make it very interesting. We both are trying to figure out our way through all this while enjoying our journey together. I don't think there is any single formula for successful marriage or successful parenting, for every couple or family different things might work, one needs to find what works for them and I guess we have figured out what works for us. So far this journey has been amazing and I am sure it will continue like this. Thank you, Reena, and thanks for all the wonderful memories.
Our journey together started when I was still doing my Ph.D. Anyone familiar with the life of a Ph.D. student would know how tough is that life. I was embroiled in long work days in the lab, a very tiring work schedule, and a life full of frustrations and uncertainties of research. It was not easy for Reena to adjust to this new life after marriage. I must say that she adjusted really well with all this and managed very well on her own. There was a learning curve for both of us. We both took some time to adjust to this new reality of life, it also took some time to understand each other. As it is for every marriage there were ups and downs in our married life also and we learned something from each of these phases. I am sure initially Reena must have felt a little unusual to find a person like me as her husband. A person who doesn't believe in going on honeymoon or on exotic holidays, who was so introverted that he would prefer to read a book rather than have a chat, a person so busy with his research work who worked even on weekends, who doesn't like to go out for dinner or watching movies. These are some of the traits that I used to have back then and my stressful research life added additional demands and complexities. I also offered very little help to her in fighting her battle to establish herself in a new city and new family. She did manage well without my help and I am really proud to say that she never even asked for my help after I made her clear that she should not expect any special treatment just because she is a woman and should fight her own battles. I am sure initially it was a big struggle for her as she was in a city where she didn't understand the local language. She learned Marathi quickly and learned so well that within a few months, she could communicate with my neighbors in Marathi. She also learned to do all official work related to banks and other things without my help. Some people might think that what a big deal if some woman can manage these things on her own. They are right, women should be doing this on their own but in my family they were not even allowed to go out of home alone, so, this was a great achievement. In India, ours is a joint family, I am sure it was not easy for her to adjust to this environment but she never complained, or expressed her displeasure towards anything and I really thank her for that.
When we moved to the US almost a decade back, it was the beginning of another new chapter in life for us. It was not only a new city but a new country, and a new culture and we did not know anyone there. Fortunately, we met very kind and helpful people here with whom we now have relationships like family and I must say that Reena was instrumental in nurturing all these relationships. Actually, I have no hesitation in saying that she is the person who makes me socially relevant, she is the main reason all guests feel welcome in our home. I am not that social person from the beginning. But Reena tries to remember what are likes and dislikes of my friends and then cooks that particular dish whenever they visit, she even remembers most people's birthdays and other important days (like marriage anniversaries) and reminds me to wish them. This quality of hers has played a very pivotal role in our survival in this new country which we now can call our second home. We successfully completed almost a decade here and I credit her a lot for this. Apart from her, there are other women like my mom, and my grandmas who played a very crucial role in my life. It is said that behind every successful man, there is a woman but I disagree with the phrasing of this statement. Why behind? They are always with them, these women are not behind me but they are with me, right beside me. We should say "With every successful man there is a woman." These women didn't play any secondary role in my life but their role was and still is a very primary role. So, Reena's contributions are as crucial as my own contributions, she shares my success equally and is as much responsible for it as I am.
Actually, one blog post is not enough to write about this amazing journey. I just want to express my thanks and gratitude towards her for being such an amazing partner. A very supportive and understanding partner is needed for a successful marriage. This is especially true when we have so many uncommon things between us. For example, we both belong to different states in India (each state has a different language and culture), and we both have very different views about religion and God (Reena considers herself religious and believes in Hinduism and I don't subscribe to any such values), our mother tongue's are also different, despite all these differences where some of them can destroy relationships our family is a bunch of happy people. I consider this as a big success. We don't try to force our views on each other and on our kids but try to encourage them to explore on their own and choose what they feel is good for them. Because of our unique backgrounds and exposure to different cultures, our kids have a variety of things which they can choose from. These all responsibilities and challenges in life make it very interesting. We both are trying to figure out our way through all this while enjoying our journey together. I don't think there is any single formula for successful marriage or successful parenting, for every couple or family different things might work, one needs to find what works for them and I guess we have figured out what works for us. So far this journey has been amazing and I am sure it will continue like this. Thank you, Reena, and thanks for all the wonderful memories.
Thanks for reading.
[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]
A salute to your candid thoughts and expressions. It is very Important to acknowledge what you have and more so appreciate it. The blog has been given proper justice to it's Name and intentions.
ReplyDeleteYou are one of the very few who accept the shortcomings of yourself and accept those of others. Appreciating the good things and advantages of what you have gives value and respect to your birth as a Human. Always be thankful of what you have, Never think of what you do not and the others do...comparatives are wrong as all parameters are different and very little is in the same perspective...
Be happy Stay happy and keep everyone happy !!
Kudos
My Blessings always!
Thanks a lot uncle for your lovely comment, actually people like you taught me a lot. I learn a lot by observing and interacting with people like you and I also try to take all good things from my surroundings. I am totally aware of my own shortcomings and try everyday to improve on them, I also know that it is going to be a continuous process. Thanks a lot for your kind words they mean a lot to me.
Delete[[The blog has been given proper justice to it's Name and intentions.]]]
DeleteThats utter rubbish.
This blog doesnt deserve the name give it.
Its anti-Hindu for one thign.
All his blogs attack Hindu relgion for absolute no reason whatsoever.
I have challanged as much as I can when he does so.
And he's not even aware of his own shortcommings. He lives in denial most of the time.
Dear Anonymous...I can understand your frustration and helplessness but don't vent it so openly people often do this when they run out of valid points to argue or discuss but please try to comment about specific points mentioned in the blog so that there can be a civilized debate or discussion which everyone can follow. Venting your frustrations or leveling baseless allegations on me is not going to do any good. I hope by now you understand this.
Deletei beleive your uncle can speak for himself. Unless you are also posting as the uncle also!!
DeleteI guess you commented about this blog and it is not written by him thats why I commented about issues only related with this blog. You are more than welcome to have discussion with him, if at all he is interested in it. Lets see...
Delete