Gender biased etiquettes

Open and hold your car door for ladies, pull out the chair for them before you sit, and offer your seat to them in a crowded bus or train, these are a few tips offered to men who wish to behave like true gentlemen. It is also said that true gentlemen treat women as women, I guess this means giving them special treatment, but definitely it doesn't mean treating them as equals. While these etiquettes might make women feel special, privileged, or even happy on these occasions. According to me, these etiquettes are gender biased. They are examples of positive gender discrimination, where women are getting special or preferred treatment just because of their gender. Superficially, there doesn't seem anything wrong with it, these gestures are well-mannered, intentioned, and respectful, but such minor incidents sow the seed of discrimination in people's minds.  Because of some of these things, some men get the impression that women are different (or special or weak) and always need some help from men and they should be treated somewhat differently than men. Then these people also expect that in return women should behave like women because they are special and different than men, and this is where the crux of the problem lies. Some of these men are shocked when women demand equality.

Gender discrimination like any other discrimination can be either positive (where some person is offered special treatment just because of their gender) or negative (where a person is discriminated just because of their gender). Men and women both are victims of this type of discrimination, especially women. But whenever men or women face positive discrimination, that is, when they get any special treatment just because of their gender they don't complain, this is why many men are silent about the privileges that come to them just because of their gender. I see most men and women enjoy this type of special treatment offered to them but when it becomes negative discrimination they start complaining. Any type of discrimination (positive or negative) should be questioned, because if you tolerate one type (positive) then people expect you to tolerate another type of discrimination (negative). Some families treat boys differently than girls. Boys are allowed to go out more frequently, and they can stay out late, drink, or even smoke after a certain age but similar things are not allowed for girls. Boys often don't see anything wrong in this preferred treatment, and they don't complain about this special treatment but then the same families expect boys to outperform girls in every competition, they are expected to work and earn a living for their entire family (bread earner), they need to be strong under all circumstances, they are expected to be the man of family, the savior, the protector, and bread earner. All these expectations put tremendous pressure on them, they are expected to perform and succeed not to fail or show any weakness. Men who don't fit in this mold struggle, feel guilty, or even get ridiculed by society (for not being real men). I have written about discrimination and bias against women in some posts before so I won't go into details about that. The truth is both genders get special treatment and then also face gender discrimination, women way more than men. Once we accept special treatment or positive discrimination then the other negative discrimination follows.

Why do women need to be treated any differently than men in our day-to-day interactions? What couples do during their date is their personal matter but to make gender-biased etiquette part of male-female interactions is problematic for gender equality. Women can open car doors themselves, pull their own chairs, and unless pregnant they can also stand like any other normal passenger on a train or bus. I have seen many ladies politely reject seats offered to them just because they are women. There are reserved seats for ladies in trains and buses in India but there is an altogether different reason for that, I think everyone who has traveled in crowded buses and trains in India knows why ladies are offered reserved seats or reserved compartments. But I think we don't need any reserved seats just for ladies anywhere, in special cases like pregnant women, both men and women should be courteous enough to offer them their seats. Women are capable of taking care of themselves they don't need any special treatment, especially, in a way that makes them feel that they are the weaker sex. I hope that more and more women reject this type of special treatment offered to them just because of their gender. Equality comes with some price, it's not a free thing. Equality also comes with some responsibility and struggle, if women want to claim that they are equal to men they need to behave like one. They need to reject all special treatment offered to them just because of their gender. They need to say that they don't need special treatment but need equality. They need to fight for their rights, it might come with the loss of all this special treatment, but I am sure equality is far better than any special treatment that comes at the cost of equality.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]