Haldi-Kumkum - discriminatory tradition

Haldi-Kumkum is a traditional or social gathering event celebrated in various parts of India by married women during the festival season. It seems that historically it was started as an occasion to give an opportunity for married women to interact socially. This sounds quite logical because, in a patriarchal society where women were not allowed to go out of their homes alone, there were not many opportunities for them to socially interact with other women. Due to such a restricted environment, it made perfect sense to have some function like this where women can gather in a relaxed environment, interact with each other socially, and discuss topics of their interest. So, why I am calling this gathering discriminatory? Is it because men are not invited to it, am I alleging gender discrimination here? Absolutely not, one can have male social gatherings as well as female social gatherings, and there is no question of gender discrimination when each gender is allowed to have its own gatherings. This is not about gender discrimination but about discrimination within the same gender. I witnessed this discrimination as a child, but at that time I didn't realize that this was discrimination as I thought it was a part of our culture and tradition. So, where is the discrimination, and what I am really talking about here? If you check about this function widows are not invited to this function. Now, you may ask why are they not invited? The simple answer is because their husbands are no more, they can't be a part of a function where still having a living husband is celebrated. Note that even though this gathering is of women, this is not about them, but it is about the presence of a man, their husband, in their lives, that's what they are celebrating. I am sure most readers know that in Hindu tradition only married women put kumkum on their forehead and widows are not allowed to put that mark on their forehead. Basically, that mark denotes that woman's husband is still alive,  note that no such mark or symbol is required for males to indicate whether their wife is alive or not. Actually, I was told that if widows are invited to this function, it can bring a bad omen for all other married women in that function which is why they are not invited. It seems due to the presence of widows somehow all those married women also might get widowhood, and it can spread like some contagious disease. Another reason might be that when being alive husband is celebrated these widows might feel bad that their husbands are no more, therefore, to spare them from this grief they are excluded. But if this is true, then why it is branded as a social function for women? Just accept that it is a celebration of having a living husband. Both cannot be correct, if it was supposed to be a social function then there is no reason why widows should not be allowed to be a part of it, they were also married and socially more isolated, rather, they need such social functions more than other married women. Also, not many years before widows used to be excluded from all these so-called auspicious occasions, things are changing slowly now but traditions like this show strong prejudice against widows and women in general.

As a child, I never realized that anything was wrong with any of these traditions. I was too naive and ill-informed, I observed these things silently with many questions in my mind and no one around to answer them. I saw widows like my maternal grandma (we used to call her nani) wearing really simple clothes and participating in very limited functions. Actually, I saw both my grandmas (nani and aaji) only as widows, but my nani lived a much more subdued or simple life than my aaji, maybe because nani had only a daughter as her only child but my aaji had 5 sons. I never realized back then the reason behind the lack of colors in their lives. I also never felt anything wrong about it as I never knew that these women also have the right to live life like any other married woman around them. I was trained to believe that it is part of our culture and tradition, so I accepted widowhood and their colorless lives as something these women have to live with rest of their lives. It was their bad luck or misfortune and their family or society can't do anything to change it. Fortunately, this ignorance didn't last long, slowly I realized that many of these traditions were discriminatory, misogynistic, and part of patriarchal culture to have complete control over women's bodies and their lives. I also realized that not only men but women are equally responsible for following and propagating these things and since then I have questioned and opposed any such ritual or tradition that is discriminatory. I am glad that some people are questioning these things and some are even modifying these traditions to make them more inclusive and non-discriminatory. Both things are necessary, as getting rid of these traditions altogether is not the only solution, one can modify them, remove the discriminatory rules and rituals, and keep on practicing them for social gatherings. For example, raksha bandhan is celebrated in our home in a gender-unbiased way where brother and sister both tie rakhi to each other. I hope this ritual also goes through some major reforms and women start inviting all women irrespective of their marital status. This will be a real social gathering and real interaction, having a living husband should not be the only criteria.

Thanks for reading and please share your views on this topic.

[Copyright: Vinay Thakur. Please contact the author for re-posting or publishing]