This month I and Reena will be celebrating our 21st marriage anniversary. So far, it has been an amazing journey for both of us, full of excitement and challenges. I couldn't have asked for a more supportive and understanding partner who not only supported me in all my endeavors but also took up each and every challenge which I threw at her with a lot of good spirit and courage and I hope Reena also feels the same way.
Ours was a classic arranged marriage. We did not know each other personally before a marriage proposal came to my parents from a common acquaintance who knew members of both families. This was a traditional way arranged marriages used to work before the emergence of matchmaking agencies and online matrimonials. I met her only once before we got married and that too only when I insisted on that meeting. I really had to take a stand that I was not getting married to anyone without having at least a one-to-one meeting with that person. This was a shocker to all the elders in my family as something like this never happened before and everyone was wondering what I may achieve by talking with a girl in person? Isn't the photo enough to see how she looks? Isn't what her family tells about her enough to judge that she is going to be an obedient wife and daughter-in-law? What am I going to talk to her? Does it really matter? Yes, it did matter to me. I wanted to tell the person who was going to marry me what type of person I was and what was she getting into. I knew from the beginning that my marriage was not going to be like all other marriages around me. This was all that I told Reena when I met her at her home in Varanasi during the only meeting we had before our marriage. I explained to her my views, and I told her about my family, my Ph.D. work schedule, and my other future plans. I also conveyed to her my expectations about my partner and asked about her expectations. Not to my surprise she had minimum expectations like her husband should not be alcoholic or abusive. The bar was that low for boys to qualify as a suitable groom. I did not know back then how she felt about my insistence on meeting her, later she told me that it was a bit surprising for her that I talked about all these other things rather than where to go for honeymoon and other typical stuff that people ask their prospective brides.
Ours was a classic arranged marriage. We did not know each other personally before a marriage proposal came to my parents from a common acquaintance who knew members of both families. This was a traditional way arranged marriages used to work before the emergence of matchmaking agencies and online matrimonials. I met her only once before we got married and that too only when I insisted on that meeting. I really had to take a stand that I was not getting married to anyone without having at least a one-to-one meeting with that person. This was a shocker to all the elders in my family as something like this never happened before and everyone was wondering what I may achieve by talking with a girl in person? Isn't the photo enough to see how she looks? Isn't what her family tells about her enough to judge that she is going to be an obedient wife and daughter-in-law? What am I going to talk to her? Does it really matter? Yes, it did matter to me. I wanted to tell the person who was going to marry me what type of person I was and what was she getting into. I knew from the beginning that my marriage was not going to be like all other marriages around me. This was all that I told Reena when I met her at her home in Varanasi during the only meeting we had before our marriage. I explained to her my views, and I told her about my family, my Ph.D. work schedule, and my other future plans. I also conveyed to her my expectations about my partner and asked about her expectations. Not to my surprise she had minimum expectations like her husband should not be alcoholic or abusive. The bar was that low for boys to qualify as a suitable groom. I did not know back then how she felt about my insistence on meeting her, later she told me that it was a bit surprising for her that I talked about all these other things rather than where to go for honeymoon and other typical stuff that people ask their prospective brides.
Anyway, we got married in 1998, and since then Reena has been my partner. I see many people complaining amount of restrictions their marriage puts on their lifestyle, there are many jokes about marriage being the end of freedom for a man/woman, but nothing like that happened with us. Our marriage has proven to be a liberating experience for both of us. I never felt restricted from anything, rather I have more freedom as I have someone to share responsibilities and support me apart from my parents and brothers. I have more support after marriage than before marriage. As far as our personal relationship is concerned, we both give each other enough space. We recognize and acknowledge that we both have our own circles from before our marriage, and we need to maintain those relationships without diluting our relationship with each other. This is not an easy balance to strike, but also not difficult if both partners try honestly. A lot of understanding, transparency, and discussion are needed to achieve this and we both never hesitated to initiate complicated or difficult conversations no matter how complicated or sensitive the issue is. We are poles apart on certain issues, but that never affected our personal relationship. Imposing our own views on each other was never our intention, we believe in agreeing to disagree and moving on. We value and encourage independence, but this was not easy in the beginning as it was a shocker for Reena when I told her to decide about her personal issues, like when to visit her family. I know that many people will think that's such a trivial matter, but even this much freedom is not offered to women in many societies. They need permission from their husband or in-laws even to visit their family. I must say that Reena took this challenge very graciously and worked really hard towards it. It was not easy for both of us as it created family conflicts and other challenges, but we did it. This is what I mean by marriage can be a liberating experience, we both are free and independent, not independent of each other, but independent within a relationship that binds us together. We value and respect each other's space, even in disagreement we support each other's right to have different beliefs. We recognize each other's complexities and do not try to make it more complex, but try to support and understand. We discuss and debate a lot, but not always to convince each other, but many times to understand each other. We do need to strike a balance but it is from both sides. I do not get the upper hand for just being a husband and she does not have to compromise just because she is a wife. We try to fight many patriarchial notions together. We not only believe in gender equality but we also practice it. There are many small and big things which contributed to making our relationship really special. Marriage was never a burden or a cage for both of us, and I hope other married couples feel the same way. It all depends on both partners, if they want, marriage can be a liberating experience.
Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic.
Thanks for reading and please share your opinion about this topic.
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